Chapter 4 Burning desire

Acry pierced right through my heart. I held his hand and watched as he took his last breath. The crying grew louder and I felt my body shake with an unexpected, horrifying grief. I felt desert sand stuck deep in my nostrils, and sucked down into my lungs. There was so much of it stuck in my chest that I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. He was leaving me, and there was nothing I could do. The crying became a wail and it dragged me from my nightmare and back into my body, sitting bolt upright with my eyes wide open.

"Wha-?!" I gasped, glancing around and trying to make out where the hell I was. I took one big sniff and the smell of antiseptic, bleach, and a slightest whiff of blood told me that I was deep inside a hospital. For a panicked second I thought that I was back in my medic tent, but there was no smell of desert dust, deep wounds, or bomb residue. Another cry snapped me right back to reality. "Oh, shit! Hope," I whispered as I focused on my baby girl. "Shh," my cousin, Holden, cooed to my baby in his arms who was alternating between crying and giggling. I bounded off the cot and slid across the linoleum floor, skidding to a stop by Holden's bed. I smiled at Hope, and was surprised that she immediately started to settle down as I reached out to touch her face. "Well, this is a strange secret to keep from your favorite cousin..." Holden mused and gave me a look. A little flicker of guilt went off inside me, but I quickly snuffed it out. "I just didn't want to steal your thunder. You were carrying twins! I couldn't compete with that," I said with a shrug. I reached out again and booped Hope on her nose. She wrinkled it up and cooed. Incredible. So damn adorable. I hadn't been able to keep my eyes off her since she'd been born. She looked so much like her other dad. I felt like I was carrying a little piece of him with me, whenever I looked at her. "Ridiculous," Holden rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm just glad I get to know her! I can't believe you're back..." "Neither can I," I said honestly. "Blackwater hasn't been home for a while." "You're right. That makes it mean even more that you decided to come back here. I guess you could have gone anywhere after you finished up with the military, right?" Holden looked down at Hope as he spoke and I caught a glimmer of vulnerability in his voice. He was right though – I could have gone anywhere. Something about Blackwater pulled me back, despite my resistance to being anywhere near my childhood home. Maybe it was just the desire to be near Holden and his newborns...... Maybe I had unfinished business. Maybe there was no logical reason. As soon as I'd given birth to Hope, my wolf pushed me to come back, and I knew that I needed to get back to where I'd grown up. "Well, hey, now that I've got Hope, it's important to be near family, right?" I said. "It's pretty cool that our kids are going to grow up together. They'll probably be close, right?" Holden said, hopefully. "Yeah, I suppose they will be," I smiled. "I'd like that for them," he said in barely a whisper as he gazed down at Hope. "Not something either of us had, is it?" "No... It's not," I said sadly as a surge of memory moved through me. Holden was eight years younger than me, so I was already a teenager by the time he'd grown into someone old enough to actually hang out with. But once I'd gotten myself some wheels, I'd spent as much free time as I could with him – he'd been a good excuse to get out of the house. I'd loved him like a brother, and begged my mom to take him in when our grandmother died and Holden was left without a guardian. She didn't, of course – she was already routinely drunk as hell all day long by then, and had barely enough interest to take care of me, let alone another mouth to feed. So he didn't become my little bro, but he sure was one of my best friends. Speaking of which... "Is... Pax, uh...?" I glanced around the room, trying to look totally cool. I put a hand behind my head and acted like I was going to yawn, just to show how disinterested I was. And hey, I really was! I hadn't seen the guy in over a decade – for all I knew, he'd turned into a total dork during his time at medical school. Holden saw right through my shit. He let out a loud barking laugh and then hissed, almost keeling over. "Oh my god, my stitches," he chuckled. "Stop laughing! You're going to drop my baby," I joked... while I kept my hawk eyes on how he was handling my bub. "Sorry, sorry. It's just – wow. I feel like I'm in a time machine or something... You acting like you don't care about what he's doing at every moment of the day... Uh, Pax went back to work after he put you to bed." "After he what?" This set off another round of chuckles. "He and Nash put you on the cot. And Pax came back to make sure you were okay, and told the staff left us alone so that you could get some more sleep. No worries about me though, the guy who just gave birth..." That sure sounded like Pax. Overly nice, overly considerate, and overachieving... Overcompensating. I rolled my eyes but I also felt a blush creep up my neck. "I guess I should go thank him then," I said, nonchalantly. "Yeah, you better go thank him..." Holden smirked. I reached for Hope, but he waved me off. "I'll take care of her. The twins are with Nate getting some final checks, and I could use the distraction." "Thanks, man," I said, and gave Hope a kiss on the cheek. I made my way out of the room and quickly realized that I had no idea where I was going. The hospital wasn't big, so I should have been able to navigate it easy enough, but my mind had not been working well since I'd had Hope... Or maybe a few weeks before that... I bravely stumbled along the stark corridors and as I turned a corner, I spotted Pax leaving a patient's room, jotting down notes in a chart. My legs stopped working and I felt the breath leave my chest. He'd been beautiful as a boy and even in our awkward teen years he'd had a certain grace and poise that set him apart – but now he was just downright hot. An old, pent-up feeling started to regrow in my heart, and I felt my wolf whimpering. I grumbled at it to settle down, but it kept on pining for Pax. HE'D GROWN THOUGH. He'd always been taller than me, and was still a good two inches above me. His shoulders had filled out and his jaw was stronger than I'd remembered it being. His short, dark brown hair was cut into a tight fade, way more professional-looking than the long, wild locks he'd had when we were teens. Pax looked up and immediately spotted me. A sweet smile appeared on his face and my knees almost buckled. Get it together, I hissed to myself as he made his way over. "Did you sleep okay?" he asked. "Are you patronizing me?" I glared, then kicked myself for my knee-jerk reflex against being 'taken care of'. That was a seed that had germinated when I was a kid and grown into a stubborn, huge-ass tree. Pax laughed in shock and then put a hand on my shoulder. "No! Sorry – I'm on my rounds and talking to patients a lot in my doctor voice makes me sound patronizing as hell." "It's fine, I was just kidding," I waved it off, but caught the look he gave me – it was the same one he used to use when we were younger and he knew that I was full of shit. What could I say? He saw right through me then, and he saw right through me now. "Thanks for the cot," I mumbled. "I didn't realize how tired I was until I sat down in that chair." "Exhausted, more like it." Pax said with an understanding grin. A long silence passed between us. I swallowed nervously and he glanced up at the ceiling, like he was searching for what to say next. "I remember what it was like to be a new father," he said. That old seed started to feel like a stone, and now it was stuck in my throat. "How is Mia?" I asked in a voice that sounded more like a hoarse whisper. Pax's eyes lit up at the mention of his daughter, and I felt my own heart flutter. I'd first seen that look on his face during the weeks immediately after Mia had been born. He'd had that goofy grin on his face and stars in his eyes whenever he was taking care of her. Her mom had been kind of disinterested in the baby, so Mia had ended up coming along with Pax everywhere he went... Which was mostly just around his parent's house, since we were only fifteen then. But still... I'd never seen him look so adult, and so deeply in love before. Back then, I'd been completely confused by the new feelings that lit up inside me when I saw him with Mia. In retrospect, it was easy to see that I had been plagued by a whole bunch of jealousy and fear. He'd suddenly grown up and had a purpose in life, while I'd felt younger and more lost than ever. He'd suddenly loved someone else, and needed to spend time with her – and to take care of her, too, when I was so used to him taking care of me. Now though, I loved seeing that look on his face because I understood it. I felt exactly the same way about Hope... Except that I also felt completely confused, lost, and terrified about how the hell I was going to do this dad thing. Pax had had his parents helping him to raise Mia. At least I was an adult now but I had... No one. "Well, Mia's a teenager now," Pax said like he was revealing a surprise. "How do you think she's doing?" "A teenager? Already? Are you kidding me?" I barked an awkward laugh, even though I knew exactly how old she was. She was the same age that we were when I joined the military... and left Pax behind. "Yeah, she's sixteen..." Pax sighed. "Quite a handful." "I can't believe how much time has passed," I said, not knowing what the hell else to say that would make the stone move from my throat. Pax looked at me with a blank stare, which quickly became soft and compassionate. "It's okay," he said as he reached out and squeezed my arm. The physical contact immediately made the stone in my throat swell into a full-on rock. A boulder, even. It felt like I finally had my best friend with me again. I was choking up. My wolf whined. The exhaustion was making my eyes water, and my chin wobble. "Really, it's okay," Pax repeated, rubbing my arm. "What if I mess this up?" I heard myself squeak with vulnerability that I wasn't expecting. I took a deep breath and ran my hands over my buzzed hair as I let out a deep sigh. "I mean... What if I can't do this father thing? What if I completely fuck this up?" Pax didn't hesitate. He grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me square in the eye, the same way he used to do when we were kids. Every part of my body knew that it was time for a pep-talk. "You're home now. You have no reason to do this alone," he said with complete confidence. With the slightest nervous twitch of his lips, he added, "Let me help."