Chapter 4 The Reason She Left

After King left to greet Gael and Mariella, Dallas stood there bouncing lightly to calm Reina. Moments later, she sat on her parent's bed-not knowing whether to consider it a former possession of theirs or something current. Naturally, she knew that her mother would not be coming back, but a part of her, though knowing that it was naive in thought, hoped that her father would soon return.

Realistically speaking, Dallas knew that her father would more than likely be gone for a prolonged amount of time. It was evident that her brothers felt the same as they seemed to have already come to terms with the idea of taking up the mantle in providing for what was left of their family. And while Dallas had the utmost confidence in them, she too felt an obligation to her family.

She could tell that her siblings were drained in a sense-not just emotionally but mentally and physically. Bea, Dallas was sure, had already come to terms with the idea of giving up quite a bit to help raise Reina. Dallas didn't want that..she didn't want her sister giving up her young life to grow up so fast. She was only Beatricia's senior by two years but she'd already graduated high school while Beatricia was still trying to get through school.

If she were being honest with herself, when she came back initially, Dallas didn't know whether she wanted to return home indefinitely, but now she didn't know if she had a choice. At this point, it would be selfish to leave her siblings with all of this responsibility. She knew in her heart that she could never leave them.

Dallas gently placed a calm Reina down on the bed and laid next to her, a small smile on her face as she watched her baby sister. "Guess you'll have me for a lot longer than I thought." She kissed her sister's head gingerly and inhaled her new baby scent.

It was when Dallas rested her head against her outstretched arm, her hazel eyes on Reina for a few silent moments, that the baby started to become restless.

"I see you're used to being picked up," She said. "Shh, shh, shh," Dallas cooed before humming a soft melody. "Nana nenen..." She started to sing a lullaby that her mother would sing to all of her children when they were young to calm them down. "Fica...bem bem..." Her words were barely a whisper as she recalled her mother's voice in the past, singing this song. "Perto do meu coracao..." Her voice began to break. "Fica...assim...perto de mim..."

"Se ano tem bicho papao."

When she heard the hauntingly familiar voice of her mother, Dallas knew right away that it was her aunt standing there. She looked up to see Mariella standing near the doorway, tears running down her light brown eyes as a solemn smile lay across her lips.

"I'm sorry, boneca," She smiled. "I did not intend to disturb you but,"

"Oh, no! No, no, no!" Dallas carefully sat upright on the bed as she hurriedly wiped her tears away. "Please, come! Sit!" She insisted her mother's twin.

Reluctantly, Mariella sat down next to Dallas's feet. "Your mother used to sing that to you all the time," She smiled. "Our mother sang it to us and..." She lifted her hand slightly, to touch her niece's leg and sighed. "your mother swore to sing it to all of her children." She turned her gaze to Dallas. "We didn't have much back then, but we did have that song. It was a common one among Brazilian culture but...her singing it to us was something far more special than we could ever imagine. You know why?" She asked Dallas, to which Dallas simply shook her head. Mariella shrugged. "Simply because she was mamãe," She chuckled softly. "That was all that mattered to us, and I see she instilled the same in you," Mariella complimented. "There is so much of her in every one of you," She pressed her hand against Dallas's cheek lovingly for a moment before returning her attention to Reina. "And you are going to be raised up in the same way," She smiled, as she picked Reina up and held her in her arms.

Dallas watched her aunt as her dancing eyes longingly rested upon the infant. Mariella always wanted children but unfortunately could not bear them. It broke her heart to find this out. Why she never adopted or tried to find other means of having a child, Dallas always wondered. She always wanted to ask but thought that maybe the inquiry was too much of a sensitive topic to approach.

"Beautiful little girl," Mariella said in a sing-song voice of Portuguese as she fiddled with Reina's wandering little fingers.

As she watched how calm and relaxed Reina was in her aunt's arms, she couldn't resist complimenting. "You're really good with babies,"

"Well, I've had enough practice with the four of you," She chortled. "I'd like to think I've learned a few things."

"You would have been such an amazing mother, tia," Dallas said before she could stop herself.

Mariella looked at her niece and seemed to see that she felt bad for indirectly mentioning her inability to have children of her own. She laid her hand on Dallas's leg and tilted her head. "Thank you, amor."

Dallas moved from where she sat and made her way next to her aunt, laying her head against her arm as she watched Reina.

"Where is Bea?" She asked.

"King said that Bea spent a few days over a friend's house. It was hard for her to be in the house after mom passed," Dallas told her aunt.

"Poor thing," Mariella said.

Dallas agreed with her aunt. She couldn't imagine how Beatricia felt, dealing with all of this on her own. This making Dallas feeling guilty about having not been home in the first place. If nothing else, that reason alone, completely convinced her that she should stay after the funeral.

"I know what you are thinking, boneca," Mariella said, pulling Dallas from her guilt-stricken thoughts. "And do not put such a burden on yourself," She told Dallas. "You're going through grief just like everyone else, do not add guilt to that grief. Your mother sent you to live with your uncle and me for your mental health. And that is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about."

It was easier said than done for Dallas, however. Recollecting on those times made it even harder for Dallas to feel that she should feel guiltless about leaving home. She was fifteen at the time and while a lot of people felt that one shouldn't feel such immense depression at that age, she certainly did.

She was chubbier than her other siblings, and her hair was fine and thin, seeming to not want to grow. It was curly and at the nape of her neck, never growing much longer than that. Ironically enough, her sister's hair flourished and while Bea was insecure about some things, everyone thought that she was beautiful.

Even Dallas's so-called friends would say in not so many words that Bea was the one that inherited all of the looks, then would passively say that they were joking, but Dallas knew that it was true. No one ever wanted to really be around or play with Dallas-most reasons being she was 'too big' or 'frumpy' or even just 'unattractive'. And more times than a few, she'd find out that her fake friends would smile in her face and talk terribly about her behind her back.

It didn't stop there, though; even her brothers' friends would tease her-or well at least one in particular. He seemed to be far more relentless than anyone that she was around. His words doubled the reassurance that all of those kids weren't lying about Dallas's physical appearance.

Sure her parents would call her beautiful-her aunt, her uncle, and Bea. By this time Dallas had in mind that family was almost obligated to lie to you and even if they thought that they weren't, it wasn't the outside appearance that they thought was beautiful but the inside. Thing is, they actually took the time to know Dallas as a person-not that she felt that they had much of a choice since they were her family. So of course they had nice things to say, but on the outside...superficially speaking, no one outside of them thought she had much to offer.

Needless to say, all of this played a part in Dallas hating herself at a young age. As she got older she was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, a hormonal disorder that completely threw her body out of wack. It made it significantly harder to lose weight and what little hair she had started to thin. And all the while she kept wondering why...why did she have to go through this and no one else?

She'd look in the mirror and cry because of how ugly she felt that she was. It had gotten to a point where she began to question her existence and avoid reflections altogether. She always felt alone, watching as the world kept going forward while she sat stagnate, with no reassurance of worth. What was worse what the fact that she hated herself even more for feeling as if she needed some sort of validation from those around her. It was when Dallas's mother saw her in her room with the blade to her wrist in contemplation of the decision to end it all that she intervened.

Dallas had begun seeing a therapist with her parents. When the therapist suggested that Dallas have a change of scenery is when her parents reluctantly agreed to send her to Mariella and Gael.

Being there made Dallas feel as if she could start over and not have to deal with the people back home that treated her so cruelly before. It was only shortly after that she begged her parents as well as Mariella and Gael to stay there. Yes, there were a few bullies there as it inevitably would be, but it wasn't as debilitating as being back home, and Dallas could work with that.

The move helped Dallas grow into someone that she could love-a young woman that was more confident in who she was and what she wanted in life. That was something that she could never regret but it did not diminish the guilt of feeling like she was weak for not sticking it out at home. Now she was without a mother and a father...and left with a practically orphaned baby sister.

"Yeah, I guess," Dallas finally replied. "Thanks, tia," She said and kissed her cheek. "For everything,"

She stood from where she sat and headed out of the room. "Where are you going?" Mariella asked.

Dallas paused, and leaned against the doorframe of the room. She didn't know really where she was going but she knew that she needed to be alone for a little while. She looked at her aunt and shrugged.

"Going to go for a walk," Dallas said.

"Is it somewhere in particular?" She asked.

At first, Dallas was confused by her expression, until she thought harder about it. How could she have forgotten about her? The only girl that was ever truly kind to Dallas when she was a kid. Thinking so much about the bad in her life, she forgot to remember one of the few goods.

Caterina was one of Linkoln and King's friends' younger step-sister. At first, she'd barely say two words to Dallas, but after she saw some kids picking on her, she decided to defend her. Afterward, they were practically joined at the hip, but unfortunately, not long enough for Dallas to consider her a reason to stay.

Somehow, her move pushed contact to dissipate into nothing between the two of them. It hurt Dallas at first but then she forced herself to believe that it was for the best. At that point, Dallas was so emotionally damaged from all of the things that she had gone through, she assumed that no friend would ever be permanent in her life. She'd convinced her immature mind that this was the way that it was supposed to be. She hated herself for thinking this way, but it was the simple truth of it.

"She'd probably not want to see me," Dallas said and completely understood. "I'd be surprised if she remembered who I was."

Mariella shrugged as she gently rocked Reina in her arms. "Never hurts to see. You'd be surprised."

"Ever the positive one, mama Mariella," Dallas smirked.

"What sort of aunt would I be if I were not?" She winked.

Dallas left the room and descended the stairs, where she noticed her brothers still talking to her uncle Gael.

"Where you headed?" Linkoln asked her.

By this time, it seemed that her big brother sobered up a bit. The envelope was still in his back pocket and for some reason that relieved Dallas. She glanced at King who seemed to catch her staring and gave her a reassuring smile.

"Just going for a walk," She finally answered. "Need some air,"

Linkoln, King, and their uncle Gael nodded in understanding. "You talk to Cat?" Linkoln asked. "Tell her you were here?"

She shook her head. "Didn't cross my mind until a moment ago, but I'm sure she won't remember me-"

"I seriously doubt that she wouldn't," Linkoln interjected.

"She talks about you enough, when she's around," King rolled his eyes.

Dallas noticed the discord in her brother's voice. "Is...that a bad thing?" She asked with amusement.

"No," King said, but it was obvious that he was still annoyed.

"Why all the hostility then?" Dallas asked.

Linkoln laughed. "He doesn't really...get along with Cat that much-"

"And the only reason you do is because she has a crush on you,"

Linkoln shook his head. "Cat's not that bad."

"Yea, whatever," King countered. "She's...bad news, jellybean. I can tell...so, if she did forget you...you should be so lucky."

"I'm sure she's not that bad," Dallas snickered.

"Suit yourself,"

Dallas chuckled, in the back of her mind missing the little back and forth she'd have with her older brothers. "I'll be back," She said.

"Be careful," Gael kissed her head.

"I will," Dallas said and then left to go for her walk, and maybe find the courage to maybe pop by her old friend's house.