Chapter 4 4

She felt herself redden. She had misunderstood his question.

"Are you blushing?" he sounded awestruck. He had seen the whole of her emotions in his years with her, but he had never seen her go red with embarrassment.

"You were talking about your client, not your high school crush, " he said.

"No, I wasn't."

"Yes, you were. You fantasized about your client while he was talking to you."

"I didn't."

"There's no point in lying to me Celestia, it will only slow down the therapeutic process and besides, this is a perfectly normal reaction. Therapists feel attracted to clients all the time, we're only human beings, I don't need to tell you this."

Despite her discomfort, she felt relieved. It was painful for her to talk about things like this but at least it would keep him off the scent of the thorny issue of being bribed for fake therapy. She lifted her eyes from the floor and looked him directly in the eye.

"An image flashed through my mind. Just for a second, " she said.

"Would you like to share with me the image that 'flashed' through your mind?"

When he asked if you would like to share something it meant that therapy would go no further until it was out in the open.

She sighed.

The image flashed through her mind again and she felt a thrill of pleasure run straight through her.

God, this is ridiculous. She thought. He's just a guy not some archetype of male sexuality.

He was still waiting, still staring at her, still waiting for an answer. She took a deep breath

"Tell me about the image."

"I'd rather not."

"Was it sexual in nature? Is that why--"

"It was an image of him fucking me on the carpet in my office."

He didn't move.

"Don't tell me you've never had a fantasy about an attractive client in your life, Eddie. Come on, you just told me it's a perfectly normal reaction."

"That's a fairly graphic image, Celestia. Did something specific give rise to that train of thought?"

She searched back in her mind.

"It was something he said. When we shook hands there was a crackle of static electricity and he said I needed to change my carpet."

"Change your carpet?"

"Yes. And then I had the image of him on top of me."

"On top of you, " he said slowly.

How does he always do it?

She thought.

I show up promising myself to only talk about certain things and he always gets to me.

"Do you want to go into any more detail?"

Come on Celestia, this is going to help you.

"He was on top of me, " she continued.

"He felt huge and primal and I was lost in it, as though he were using me as a plaything."

The words were having an effect on her. She felt her nipples swell against her blouse and her panties were beginning to moisten.

This was just crazy.

No client should make her lose control like this and no client, hell no man had ever had this effect on her before.

"And you wanted him to..." he hesitated in his choice of words, "to fuck you, " he said as though the coarseness of his choice of words was distasteful but necessary.

"Of course I did. Why else would I have a fantasy like this?"

"I don't know. Do you normally fantasize about attractive clients this way?"

"No. I do not. I never have. It has never occurred to me."

She paused for breath. Good therapy was never easy.

"He was on top of me and he had taken me because I wanted him to, but then it was more than I could have imagined. The thought of him... God, the thought of him inside of me."

She had to stop again. Her breathing was becoming rapid, her heart beginning to race. David's presence next to her was profoundly uncomfortable.

"But then he reminded me of that boy at school who never did anything but treat me like a joke, a laughable geek. I thought I loved him because he was everything I wasn't athletic, popular, good-looking, but he turned out to be just an arrogant bully, just like this client Jason--"

"Stop there Celestia. Don't tell me his name. No breach of confidentiality, you know better than that."

She hung her head down. She did know better, but it didn't seem to make any difference anymore.

Knowing better and doing better seemed to be growing further apart by the day.

"Look, Celestia, I've got to go now, but there's a simple plan of action here. You can't see this client ever again."

A jolt of fear went through her.

"Do you understand me? You and this person cannot work together. It won't help either him or you and the breach in professional ethics would be unforgivable."

She was stunned. He had never forbidden her to do anything before.

Ever.

Ultimatums weren't in his therapeutic repertoire.

"This goes beyond therapy and into ethics and will have serious repercussions on your ethics committee hearing if it gets out that you are actively entertaining sexual thoughts about another client."

"Another client? What do you mean by that?"

"Your last indiscretion was also with an attractive man."

"There was no indiscretion Eddie, I thought we had discussed all of this?"

"I'm sorry to have to break it to you like this Celestia but with the hearing coming up we don't have time for slow therapeutic breakthroughs. You have to set this denial aside once and for all and acknowledge that what you did was wrong, learn from it, and then change your behavior in order to move. If you go down the same road with a new client then I will have no choice but to report it to the board.

Do you understand me?"

She was reeling.

He was helping her through the process of dealing with the implications of her hearing but he had never framed her actions in these terms. She felt as though the ground were being taken away from under her feet; he was supposed to be on her side. Without his support, things were almost guaranteed to go the wrong way.

"I didn't do anything wrong, Eddie, you've got to--"

"Celestia."

He stopped her firmly.

"We don't have time for this denial of the facts. Come on!"

He held her in his famous fixed stare while she tried to square up this new version of reality in her head.

"Okay, " she said finally in a shaky voice.

"Maybe you're right..." her voice trailed off.

"I may already have to discuss what you've just told me with the board when I meet with them in advance of your hearing, " his voice was filled with disappointment and disapproval, as though she were a child who had let him down.

She looked at him in amazement.

"Can I go now?"

"Can you go now? Celestia, this is your hour. This time is totally for your benefit. Of course, you can go whenever you please. You're a grown woman."

He stood up and walked over to her.

"It's getting late."

"Of course."

She stood up and gathered her things and Eddie escorted to the office door and then stood in front of her blocking the way.

"Celestia, our hour is already up so this is just from me to you, okay?"

He put his arms around her and gently kissed her forehead. Her body stiffened instinctively against his. This was something he had never done before--something totally unprofessional and almost exactly the same action that now threatened to ruin her career with the ethics committee--something Eddie knew very well indeed.

He lowered his mouth from her forehead and then whispered into her ear.

"Everything is going to be okay Celestia. Trust me."

"Eddie, please... I'm not sure this is okay."

He released her from his arms and looked at her with his intense blue eyes.

"You're right, " he said.

"Is that how it felt when you--"

"I don't get where you're going with this Eddie. Can we just--"

"No. You're completely right Celestia. I'm sorry, I overstepped my boundaries there but I just... sometimes as a therapist... as a person, you want to give more than just words. You of all people should know that. I thought you would understand, but I can see I was wrong."

It was true. She had never meant to upset anyone. All she had wanted to do was comfort a man who had been badly treated by life and who was falling apart in front of her eyes--but then his reaction had been to blow things out of all proportion.

How could she hold the same simple action of human comfort against Eddie, one of her most trusted friends and colleagues?

"It's okay. I understand-- really I do. It's just been a difficult, uh... a difficult session."

"Don't worry, " he said with just the glimmer of a smile on his lips.

"We can work everything out. I'm on your side, " he pulled her in close again and squeezed her rigid, resisting body against his own.

"No-one understands you as I do, " he said softly into her ear.

The knot of anxiety in her stomach tightened another notch at the sound of his words.