Chapter 3 The Diary – DAY 1

I looked at myself in the mirror; because of all the tears, in place of my eyes, only lines reminiscent of the Mongolian steppes remained. I couldn't stop thinking about him. What happened? Why? After all, we in no way fatally harmed each other, we did not cheat or lie to each other, nor had we any significant relationship problems. In fact, we were like soul mates. Or was it only me who perceived it this way? He couldn't have been pretending like this, not for so long.

Why would he burst into tears at the end, if he didn't care? After all, if he didn't love me, he wouldn't have cared as much, he wouldn't have such jealous and possessive reactions from time to time, wouldn't seek my company, and insist on spending all our time together. After all, he liked me, always wanted to be with me and share his interests, joys and worries with me. What's going on? What happened really and why don't I understand it? These questions were running in my head 24/7, blame hand in hand with self-blame, alternating between regret and self-pity. A million question marks.

A week after the break-up with Patrick and a two-day brutal weeping, a sense of awareness came. Someone wise once wrote that when a woman showers, puts make-up on or does her hair, then all thoughts that spontaneously come to her mind, represent a clear "vision" to be listened to.

That evening, on the edge of my strength, pain, and tears, I suddenly felt an incredible relief. Patrick was a lesson – the last one. The final test and the last stage of cleaning my karma and the possibility to know true happiness and peace of mind.

I've travelled such a long way; I had to experience so much, so much pain and "slaps" until I felt that this was already my last test. There is a change; we both – two souls – had to pass each other some messages and understandings.

I should have learned humbleness, got to know the feeling of home, gone through the role of a dear wife, mother, nanny, cleaner, in this relationship necessary and combined into one person. I should have learned to take care of the household, and found that I enjoy cooking, "doing nothing", and cuddling up with my partner; that all of a sudden I don't need a strict agenda and schedule for each day, for each second; that I can just lie in silence while reading, surfing the Internet, or watching TV next to my partner and his family; that I don't have to be at work until midnight, but can easily handle everything and be done by 4 pm and devote the rest of my time to a joint program with my new family. I've found that it's very important and nice to have a partner by your side who's happy to spend time with you, longs for you and loves you. Suddenly all the values, paramount until then, disappeared. Only love has remained and a desire to become a real "woman".

No proving, no demonstrating. It all has become dust, leaving only self-discipline, creativity and energy to create, show my abilities, but through wisdom, intellect, and skill.

What should HE have learned?

Right now, I feel the strings between us are gradually beginning to tear, I heard a whisper of an idea that he had loved me incredibly. Perhaps for the first time, he began to love a woman really; however, he was just overpowered by something else... By what? ...As if he was scared of love...