Chapter 2 My First Diary – "7 DAYS OF CLEANSING"

(That's the title I've chosen for my first diary)

Everything started with the BREAK-UP. Desperate, fast, incomprehensible, painful.

Like Alice in Wonderland, I had been led to the edge of the abyss... Not this! This one was supposed to be my last relationship, that destined, predetermined, perfect one, that which would last until death, forever...

Whatever doubts I had during those five hundred and ninety days of my relationship, were refuted by my love and eternal optimism. I believed that it all would kind of fall into place, and put on rose-coloured spectacles, but it didn't help... Although being with him meant that I couldn't fulfil my essential role as a woman – the natural desire to have a child and family, I reconciled with this fact, as I believed that this man needed me more than I needed him. I felt my mission was to help him feel love, seek the causes so he would cleanse himself from all the blocks and influencing people and would know happiness.

So here I am, lying on the sofa in Rebecca's flat, my friend whom I thought then is a sister to me. We both have always been so similar and had almost the same way of life, equally career women, lonely in life or just with a lover, the wisest and most intelligent, understanding each other without words. However, it changed a little during my relationship with Patrick, but now I don't care, I just need to be with her, with someone, just to not be alone.

I cry all the time and watch the telephone and Patrick's online status, to see whether my phone beeps. It beeped. But from Daniel; my tutor, mentor, spiritual leader..., so strange that he came into my life just three weeks before my break-up with Patrick.

"How are you? If you're alone, stop for a moment and define what you want – in the area of relationships, business, hobbies, visions..., anything you want. Write it down. And start writing, according to you, how to proceed step by step and imagine how you can reach that. Write also how you feel, how you will react and after every single sentence, remember to say: thank you for this and for that. And most importantly, keep on feeling it thoroughly and rejoice with that :-).

"Dream a lot and imagine that you are a small innocent child and how such a child acts when she is happy.

"Our goal is to make you as emotionally spontaneous as a child, and as full of wisdom of the ages as an old person, and remind yourself that you have the strength to move mountains. Thus be aware. You are the winner of a twenty-billion-sperm race, and your consciousness is larger than the known universe full of energy that is unparalleled :-). Enjoy it. Bye."

At first, I looked at the message as a Doubting Thomas, but then I did what he'd written. I laid down on the sofa in the living room, closed my eyes, and tried to concentrate only on myself. After a long period of blocking perhaps all my chakras and dulling my senses, a myriad of thoughts started to flow, and these thoughts were so clear and liberating!

I took a pencil and paper and began to write "my desires"... This one pencil scribbled paper I'll keep forever as one of my treasures because the magic system linking my thoughts and my inner energy with the universe had just occurred. I felt it with my whole being. I calmed down, the sun rose, the crying stopped, and so did the rain outside.

I want to find and feel happiness. I think that it'll come true if I meet love, if it reappears with Patrick or if I find a new one... Here's what I wrote, literally:

I'll meet a MAN, which is destined for me and who will finally love me for "me", for whom and what I am. We both will know immediately – that we have finally found each other and we'll be moved to tears from happiness. He's already in a waiting room somewhere, and soon I'll meet him and get to know him. I'll become his goddess, his girlfriend, life partner and we will also have a child. Probably a boy.

House, a white one, on a hill, above the sea. Maybe a yacht.

We will have common work interests.

I'll start being more dedicated towards artistic activities such as writing. I'll be more creative and explicitly use the creative energy that I feel in me.

Dance.

Calmness, love, and peace in my inner being.

And afterwards, EVERYTHING started to change...