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Chapter 8 No.8

A Plan suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy.-The Idea not New, but one which the Leaders of the Fierce Democracy have acted upon from the Beginning.

Confedrit × Roads

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),

January 27, 1866.

Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It beams onto me! It penetrates me! It fills me! Goy to the world!

I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy. I seed it yisterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky, wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizen theirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my many virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I hedn't so many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker. Therefore the account mite be considered closed. Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleeved in total depravity.

While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich fell across my pathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party of men borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me. Their operations showed me the way to success-the shoor path to triumph.

"When," said I to myself, "when men seek gain they bore for it. They go down-never up." Even so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, downward, downward, through all the strata uv society. We went through the groceries; the next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then we struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the heft uv the people uv Noo Gersy; then Southern Illinoy and Indiana; then Pike county, Missouri; and so on. We never went upward for converts, cause 'twant no use. When a man wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots of converts.

There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats who wuznt born in the party hev slid down; to wit:-

Quarter dollar smiles.

15 cent nips.

10 cent drinks.

5 cent sucks.

A flat flask conceeled.

A bottle openly.

Dimocrisy.

We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we hev now kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whiskey forced two thirds uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on their feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to dig into, and give up in disgust.

But I hev deskivered that lower stratum-I hev found it; and when the idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! The nigger is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty years' lease uv power.

We must cultivate the nigger. He must hev the suffrage! It is a burnin shame, that, in this Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv intelligence, livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men "free and ekal," that a large body uv men shood be denied the glorius privilege uv bein taken up to the poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he not taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote? Ah! why, indeed?

"But this is Ablishnism!" methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy observe in horrer. "And why give them votes who will use em agin us?"

My gentle friend, will they use their ballot agin us? Ef I know myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz bin agin us. Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism; every noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God there wuzn't a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite ez him in Congress year after year?

Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin representashen to voters alone. The Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress and more electoral votes than afore the war; and them States we kin depend on.

But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers ain't needed in the South. We'll send em North. A few thousand will overbalance the Ablishun majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will bring Ohio back to the fold; the same number will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country is saved-we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself; the club he cut for us will break his own head.

Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is more precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones. He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He shel lift me into a Post orifis. We must give our Afrikin brother,-for is he not a man and a brother?-not only the suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give it to him. I want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv mules, and a cook stove; and each female Afrikin brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet. I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than two hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second thought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the bill, as the Sennit hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything he proposes, that they'd slather this without considerin it, on jineral principles.

Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll take twenty years afore the Ablishinists kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin their tikkit; and even that time won't do it if we kin git the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.

Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin hands and enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev met. Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the conshence. But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez follered the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious results.

"There's a lite about to gleem,

There's a fount about to streem,

Wait a little longer!"

Petroleum V. Nasby,

Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

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