Chapter 5 No.5

Por cierto, Sen?r Gobernador * * * * que vuesa merced tiene mucha razon en quanto ha dicho: y que yo ofrezco en nombre de todos los insulanos desta insula, que han de servir à vuesa merced con toda puntualidad, amor y benevolencia, porque el suave modo gobenar que en estos principios vuesa merced ha dado, no les da lugar de hacer, ni de pensar cosa que en deservicio de vuesa merced redunde.

Don Quixote, tome IV.

TRANSLATION.

Doubtless, Sir Governor * * * * you have much reason in all you have been pleased to say: and let me promise you, in behalf of all the inhabitants of this island, that they shall serve your will and pleasure with all due diligence, love, and good-will; for the sweet and mild mode of government that hitherto in the beginning you have administered to them, causes them neither to do, nor even to think, aught that may redound disloyal to your government.

Don Quixote, vol. IV.

Before the Duke had arisen upon the ensuing morning the Duchess thus addressed him, and pronounced, if we may so express it, the curtain-lecture, with which the reader is here made acquainted:-

"My dear and much beloved Lord, you are now about to assume the government of your native island, a land richly abundant in agricultural and commercial resources, possessing a peasantry inured to toil, hardy, industrious, and intelligent; keenly alive to and sensible of wrong and injustice, yet still a passive and a patient people, who, like the Roman ox, stand ready victims, stationed between the ploughshare and the altar, alike prepared for the yoke or for sacrifice!-a soil luxuriant for tillage or for pasture, abounding in quarries, mines, and minerals; blest with a mild and temperate climate, and adorned with scenery picturesque, romantic, and sublime; with mountains high as the lofty spirit of the race who inhabit them, and with harbours (open as their generous hearts) expanding their numerous emporiums to receive the tribute of every coast and every clime.

[Pg 97][Pg 98] "Remember, I pray thee, my good Lord, a passage which once we read, and that I never can forget; we found it in the Lives of Plutarch, where we are told the courtiers of Philip of Macedon essayed to mount and master the noble animal Bucephalus, afterwards the war-horse of the great and renowned Alexander. Courtier succeeding courtier attempted to mount the back of Bucephalus, but in vain. They knew, indeed, how to cringe, and fawn, and flatter in a despot's court, but they were wholly ignorant and incompetent how to manage this nobly spirited war-horse; their shadows, as they successively attempted to mount, startled the steed, and they could make nothing of it. It was then that the son of Ammon sprang forth, and said, 'Father, give him into my hands; I see the noble bearing of the proud and generous animal, let me too, therefore, have a trial!' The request was granted. When Alexander, leading him into the shade where the steed neither startled by the shadow of his person nor the flowing of his mantle, Alexander instantly sprung upon his back, and galloped him several times past the presence of Philip, reining him with full command, wheeling him round in full career, and then suddenly halting to address his admiring king and father, and no less astonished courtiers. At length, overcome with joy and admiration, Philip exclaimed to Alexander, 'Go, go, my son, and seek to rule over other realms, for Macedonia is too small for thee!' Yes, my dear Lord, I at once see you forcibly feel the allusion. In the hands of ignorant, or stupid, or bigoted governors, and their underlings, Ireland shall ever prove and remain untractable, as Bucephalus was in the clumsy and untoward hands of the courtiers of Macedon; but rule the inhabitants of this isle with gentleness and moderation, with equal and impartial justice, alike administered to all beneath a mild and conciliatory government, and then mark how submissively they shall obey their ruler. In peace you shall see drawn home the heavy harvest team; and on the day of battle our navies shall ride triumphant, and our armies march victorious!"

[Pg 99][Pg 100]

The Duke smiled at the conclusion of this lengthened lecture; but he was truly pleased withal at the judicious remarks, the sound sense, and also with the enthusiastic feeling of his Duchess; and he said somewhat gaily, "Bravo! well done, my Katherine. I long knew the extensive range of your reading and information; but, 'fore Jupiter Ammon, I certes did not know until the present what a famous politician thou hast become. Thou assuredly hast pronounced a very notable and altisonant lecture upon legislation, wherewithal from which I fully trust that I shall ultimately derive much advantage. But yet under favour, lady mine, my vice-regal femme covert, you will peradventure please to carry in your noble recollection, that I am no sovereign prince or potentate, and that the roy le veult belongs not to me, but to my royal master; that simply I am but a deputy, and therefore it is evident that I can have no will of mine own, but, on the contrary, that every measure must emanate from the throne. However, it is nevertheless true, that although I owe much to my regarded sovereign, yet unhappily should this reflected light of majesty prove to be but mere "disastrous twilight," I have still the power to resign; and albeit I am not devoid certainly of ambition, yet there exists not a man who is more attached to retirement than what I confessedly am;-none, I am sure, more devoted to his country, friends, family, and home!"

The intention of the Duke of Tyrconnel being fixed to pursue his journey onward without unnecessary delay, to assume the reins of his vice-regal government, His Grace and his amiable Duchess descended betimes to the breakfast saloon. The Duke was in uncommon good spirits, spoke sportively to his beloved Adelaide. The Ladies Letitia and Lucy soon made their appearance, and Sir Patricius was not the last to take his station at the breakfast-table, on which was duly placed every solace for the regalement of the worthy Baronet, if indeed a salutary morning walk amid the mountain-air could have rendered his appetite fastidious.

The Duke soon began in a jocular way to rally the Ladies Letitia and Lucy, by observing, "I propose very soon, gentle ladies, so hearken to me both, to dispose of you twain by promotion-in the temple of Hymen! What say ye, ladies fair, to my proposition? Doubtless it will meet with your joint approval, and most dutiful concurrence to my high and puissant command!"

Lady Lucy replied, that she had no wish nor intention whatsoever to alter her situation, feeling perfectly happy and contented as she was, desirous of no change, and fully resolved, as far as was within her control, that no cruel empêchement should ever separate her from those she so dearly regarded and loved."

Lady Letitia said in reply: "As for your high men, they are always sure to have their own high ways in aught perchance they would do or dare; and I needs must observe that I have no wish whatever to be connected with such high cavaliers, having, alas! upon a former occasion experienced much vexation and disappointment at the hands of one of those said high men."

"Prithee, Letitia, explain in what manner," rejoined the Duke.

"You must know, then, that a proposal of marriage was made to me from one of noble birth, and likewise of affluent fortune, while you, my Lord, were absent in foreign lands. The gentleman was the Honourable Mr. Gwillim Ap-Gwillim, of Caper Ap-Shenkin, in North Wales, who was not slow in using every endeavour to win my love and affections; and, alas! he succeeded but too well in the accomplishment of his wishes. But after all, a long courtship and fair promises, this Cambrian proved himself to be one of your 'perhaps' knights-errant; and so, my good Lord, no more of them for poor me! The man, prince, potentate, or peer, who deals in the shuffling word 'perhaps,' shall never possess my affection, nor have my hand in the tie of holy wedlock. Never, I am resolved. No; for ever I forswear and detest the word, as being the most offensive and deceitful in the English tongue, past, present, or to come."

"Hold, hold, Letitia," said the Duke, "you are off in full gallop from your story. Pray rein in thy noble indignation and imagination awhile, and do let us have the conclusion of your most tragical hero, whom you stigmatize with the title and appanage of 'perhaps?'"

"I fairly promised my hand where before I had given my heart; that is to say, provided you had so approved; and while matters were, as I conceived, happily arriving, as I had fondly hoped, at the long wished claracism (eclaircissement), who would have suspected or have dreamed the result?

"'I am told, Sir,' addressing Mr. Gwillim Ap-Gwillim, of Caper Ap-Shenkin, 'I am told, Sir,' said I, with proud tears in my eyes, 'that you at present entertain a paramour?'

"'Well, Madam,' rejoined he, 'perhaps' (oh, the abominable word) 'I do; and if so, it is surely not unusual or marvellous in an unmarried man.'

"'But then, Sir,' I replied, (somewhat enraged at his tawdry 'perhaps',) 'sure before we become man and wife, you will no doubt part with and discharge this said paramour?'

"'Perhaps,' he rejoined, 'perhaps, (the third time, observe,) Madam, I may.'

"'Perhaps, Sir,' I loudly re-echoed, my blood boiling, my breath parting, my tongue gasping, and enraged to the very utmost, 'Perhaps, Sir,' I said vehemently, 'know, my hand never shall be yours-never, never!' Then with a strong impulse of collected coolness, for very often what is the most opposite will occur, I distantly retired, with the utmost indifference I dropt a low court courtesy, and never beheld him more."

The Duke proposed, previous to departing, to accompany his noble consort and family in a promenade on the pleasure grounds. Their Graces led the way; and while apart from the attending group, the Duke addressed the Duchess in a low voice-"I shall do every thing, depend upon it, that is within my power, to render my vicegerency popular; not from a love of popularity, but from the impulse of administering even and equal justice to all His Majesty's subjects, which is a debt I shall not fail to discharge, so far as the responsibility of my station admits, and my duty to the king allows. The salary which I may receive during my administration shall, to the uttermost farthing, be expended among the generous people, from whose purses I am to receive it; I shall assist the poor, and the great I will entertain. Thus when the termination of my government arrives, I trust that my departure from the viceregency shall not be mistaken for that of a collector of taxes, who retires sub umbra, having embezzled the public coffers, and who departs ex-officio, attended, justly I admit, with "curses, not loud but deep!" Oh no, my dearest love, by no earthly possibility shall any one mistake me for a Jamaica planter, a bullock feeder, or a Jew broker! Never; my private fortune shall be expended in addition to the princely income which I receive from the nation; and I am resolved that in every way it shall be my study, as it will be my pleasure, to prove indeed the true and appropriate representative of a noble and generous king!"

To this expressive burst of loyal and ardent feeling, the Duchess fully accorded her hearty assent. While the noble pair remained thus employed in discussing the high and grave affairs of state, the ladies Letitia and Lucy, attended by Sir Patricius Placebo and Captain Heaviside, were employed in admiring the surrounding scenery.

"What a romantic delightful prospect here presents itself to the spectator," observed Sir Patricius Placebo to Lady Letitia, who stood next him.

"Oh yes," replied her Ladyship, "it is truly a noble tract of verdant valley and lofty mountain, scenery, sea, and river; the goats on the rock, the sheep on the hill, and the cows in the vale; indeed the Duke positively asserts that the surrounding scene displays perhaps the most beautiful cow-dell (coup d'?il) in the whole kingdom."

The promenaders returned from their ramble, and were stationed on the terrace when the Duke's travelling coach and six drove up to the embattled porch of the castle. The Duke, addressing himself to Sir Patricius, pleasantly and playfully said: "Sir knight we do hereby, by the powers in us vested, constitute, nominate, and appoint, with all the briefness and celerity the occasion demands, you, Sir Patricius Placebo, M. D. Baronet, eques non male notus, our locum tenens, and Lord Constable of this our good castle of Tyrconnel during our absence herefrom; and thou, Sir Patricius Placebo, art bound, in due accordance with right, ancient, and laudable usage, to dispense all manner of ancient hospitality, as if we ourself were in person present; and within a few given days to escort our beloved partner and family to His Majesty's castle of Dublin; all which fail not to do, under the pain and penalty of our heavy displeasure."

The Duke fondly and affectionately embracing his Duchess, his beloved Adelaide, and his sisters, and cordially shaking hands with his guests, entered his travelling carriage, which set off, the horses travelling in a brisk pace, for Dublin, to assume the chief government of the island. The ladies followed the Duchess, who retired into the castle to regret even the temporary absence of her lord.

Meanwhile Sir Patricius proposed to Captain Heaviside an excursion on horseback, to pass away the time jusqué a dinér. After a short interval Sir Patricius having doffed his grave professional peruke; and having assumed his hunting wig, mounted his gallant steed, and set out with the Captain in a ramble through the country. While thus they were employed in exploring the surrounding scenery, Captain Heaviside, addressing Sir Patricius, said, "Pray, my good Sir, did I ever repeat to you my chronicle?"

"Oh no, never, Captain, upon my veracity; but in sooth I should be quite delighted to hear it, so pray let us have it by all manner and means."

"I call it," continued Captain Heaviside, my chronicle, but I must say, really and truly, that it was never written by me;-positively not mine, but written indeed by a particular friend."

"Come, come, bold Captain, that is very well, and likewise most sagely and discreetly expressed; very good indeed-an excellent come off, cum grano salis, hem! It is, however, to be sure, vastly convenient upon all such occasions to enlist a friend into the service who shall enact you the part of a poetical godfather, and act too as pioneer: a most meritorious gentleman truly, who is disposed with such magnanimous generosity to place all our written sins and verses upon his own muster-roll. Vastly, egad vastly convenient, I needs must observe, master Heaviside, hah, hah, hah, sed, litera scripta manet! There is no getting over that, my gallant young Captain, by my halidam!"

"My good Sir Patricius accredit me, it was really written by my very excellent friend, Captain Drinkwater, a dashing dragoon."

"I can then flatly tell you, Captain, that it will never do-I know it will never do; for as friend Horace sings,

'Nulla placere diu nec vivere carmina possunt

Qu? scribuntur aqu? potoribus.'

I hate and detest your aqu? potoribus, all your drink-waters, and your water-drinkers, they are beyond all compare the very worst description of enemies that our profession has to contend with: so no more of this; give me your drinkers of aqua vit?, and honest stout-hearted topers of genuine Drogheda usque-baugh; these are the generous souls whose quaffing I admire, and whose fees I dearly prize. But come, my brave Captain, notwithstanding we must positively have your chronicle."

"Well, Sir Patricius, since it must be so, here it is.

CAPTAIN HEAVISIDE'S CHRONICLE,

BEING AN EXCELLENT NEW ANACREONTIC, AND WRITTEN BY

CAPTAIN DRINKWATER OF THE HORSE-GRENADIERS.

Julia first met me with bright sparkling eye;

Next Sally so sober, yet so very sly,

Margery, matchless at grin and grimace;

Then Susan so simple, with innocent face.

Betty was breathless when told of a fray,

And Judy in sooth would have her own way:

Of Nelly 'tis needless ought for to tell,

On ev'ry occasion she bore off the belle.

There was rattling, laughing, roaring young Kate,

Who many did think was perturbed in her pate:

Of Kathlane so cunning, and Mollys a score,

Och, I could sing till I tired you sore.

Let this little sample the truth only tell,

That, ah! I have lov'd too long and too well!"

"Olet lucernam, good master Heaviside! methinks it smells somewhat rather too strong of the lamp. Nay, nay, come noble Captain, I say, cheer up man! never mind, my brave boy, for in faith I like your chronicle, master Heaviside, passing well; and the very first open day, to speak the vox parliamentaria, that is to express, that the first day that the Duke shall dine abroad--hah, hah, which, 'fore Jupiter, egad he does this very day-aye, good-very good,

DOSS MOI, TANE STIGMEN!

this very day, by my halidam, we shall have it! By the mass he who gainsays it wets not his lips with a cup of hermitage! Nay more, down goes my gauntlet; Captain-there is my hand for you! A fig, I say, for your black rods, your white rods, and your green rods! I would fain flagellate them all with their own proper insignia of office; aye, marry, I say, a plague upon them all, master Heaviside! I am a man somewhat gifted with authority, as you are, Captain, fully aware, being no less than grand Seneschal of yonder ancient castle; and by the mass, indubitably, with due and meet discretion, we shall have viva voce this very day your much to be lauded Anacreontic, and that too without a single repugnant 'perhaps,' against which vague, dubious, and most distrustful adverb, that sage and circumspect Lady Letitia doth so continently and cautiously enter her solemn protest. But my good Sir, time and place-place and time? methinks as I don't toss off drams in a morning, that songs sound sweeter heard in the evening. Oh, ever time and place are to be taken into account, my good Captain, for

DOSS MOI, TANE STIGMEN!

as the venerable Archimedes enforces it-hem; and I shall--But come, Captain, for once I will give a gratuitous prescription-take my nostrum-sing, or hear it sang, Captain Harry Heaviside's new Chronicle, which be sure to wash down with the potation of two honest quarts of old bottled Chateau-Margut, or good Burgundy, for I am not squeamish, which shall answer just quite as well;-swallow the dose, charily, charily, but without shaking the bottle!"

The equestrians soon approached the castle on their return to dinner, and the first bell was now heard pealing over battlement and tower, duly giving warning note; hence from a smart trot they hastened to a brisk gallop.

"Ahem," said Sir Patricius, "see, noble Captain, how strong and lustily the smoke mounts up from the kitchen chimney, bonum signum, bonum signum, by Bacchus and Ceres a most propitious omen! Ahem, spur on, my gallant chevalier!"

The two worthies now reached the lordly castle; and entering the embattled porch, Captain Heaviside observed in a whisper to Sir Patricius: "A d--d bore to be sure it is, all this dressing for dinner, my good Sir Patricius. But no matter, it is some consolation, however, that we shall have an excellent feed; and I am resolved to do it justice, exercise and the mountain air having sharpened a natural good appetite."

"But," rejoined Sir Patricius, "hark, again this accursed bell, how it frights the castle from its propriety.

'Ring out the alarum-bell, blow winds come, crack,

At least we'll die with harness on our back.'

But never mind, we shall be ready before the bell rings a third time."

The man of physic and the man of war having thus spoken, they wended their way to their respective toilettes, which were quickly despatched. Here then we leave them to pay their attentions to the Duchess and the ladies, and enjoy all the good cheer at the ducal salle á manger. Meanwhile, in our next chapter, we shall return to the Duke, and escort His Grace to the vice-regal abode at Dublin castle.