Chapter 5 Decisions Made

I sat on the couch, the phone still pressed to my ear, but the silence between us was deafening. My heart was pounding, the weight of Julian's words sinking in. "Cleaner," he said. Like this was some kind of mess that could be swept away. A quick fix to something that was never meant to happen.

I closed my eyes, feeling the tightness in my chest grow as his voice echoed in my mind.

"I'm not asking you for anything," I had said, hoping for peace, hoping he'd realize that I didn't need him anymore. I wasn't asking for his help, his approval, or his opinion on my life. And yet, here he was, suggesting that I let go, that I end what was growing inside me. His suggestion the suggestion that he might have the right to choose this for me was more than I could bear.

Cleaner.

The word lingered, sticky and cold, like a scar that wouldn't heal, a reminder of the control he once had, the control he still tried to claim.

I didn't tell him what I felt what I was afraid of, or the guilt that clung to me like a second skin. The shame of letting it happen. I didn't tell him that I hadn't wanted this any of it. Not the pregnancy, not the situation, not him. The call ended with no closure, no answers.

As I sat there, phone in hand, the heavy quiet of the apartment pressed in around me, wrapping itself around me, suffocating me. It was a stillness that seemed to mock the chaos inside me. I let out a shaky breath, wishing for something anything to make sense of the mess my life had become. But no answer came.

The front door creaked open. I didn't need to look up to know who it was.

Lena.

She had that way of entering a room without making a sound, and yet, her presence was always felt. I could hear the faintest rustle of fabric as she dropped her bag by the door. She moved toward me, her footsteps soft, but I could feel her eyes on me, like she was waiting for me to speak.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her voice gentle but insistent.

I opened my mouth to answer, but the words didn't come. How could they? How could I explain what I was feeling when I couldn't even put it into words myself?

"I... I don't know," I whispered, my voice barely audible. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what's right."

Lena didn't say anything. She just came to sit beside me, her shoulder brushing against mine, the warmth of her presence anchoring me in a way nothing else could. We sat in silence for a long while. She didn't ask about Julian. She didn't question my decision or push me to talk. She just was there, a constant in a world that felt like it was spinning out of control.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she spoke again.

"Mira, listen to me."

I turned to face her. Her eyes were steady, her voice low but unwavering.

"You're not alone in this. Whatever happens, I've got you. But you need to make a decision for yourself. No one else."

I didn't answer right away. Her words echoed in my mind. The silence felt oppressive, but the weight of her gaze made it feel like I had no choice but to face whatever was coming.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough for this," I admitted, my voice trembling.

"You are," Lena said softly. "You are strong enough. But it's okay to not know what comes next. Just don't let him decide for you."

I nodded, the words sinking in. It was so simple, and yet so hard. Julian's voice had haunted me for days, his absence a cruel reminder that this wasn't something he would take responsibility for. I had to face this alone, with or without him.

The next few days passed in a haze. I tried to distract myself with work-sorting through emails, organizing schedules, anything to avoid thinking about what was growing inside me. But every time I found a moment of quiet, the truth would hit again.

I was pregnant.

And whether I was ready or not, my life was about to change.

One evening, while Lena was out meeting a client, I found myself staring at my phone, hovering over the 'contacts' list. I hadn't heard from Julian since our last conversation. No texts. No calls. Just his lingering voice in my head. Cleaner.

I shook my head. I couldn't. I wasn't ready for another round of silence from him. Not yet.

Instead, I spent the evening in a kind of numb silence, scrolling through baby name websites, trying to pretend that I was still in control of something. I picked names at random, sometimes for a girl, sometimes for a boy, sometimes for both. A small part of me wanted to believe I could choose the future, but deep down, I knew the decision was bigger than a name. It was about who I was becoming.

When Lena came back, she found me in the living room, lost in a sea of names.

"Still at it?" she asked, flopping onto the couch beside me.

"I don't know," I muttered. "It just... feels like the only thing I can control right now."

Lena sighed, glancing at the screen. "I know it's hard, Mira. But you don't have to do this alone. And you don't have to decide everything all at once."

I swallowed, the lump in my throat thickening. "I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother," I whispered. "What if I'm not good enough?"

"You are," Lena said firmly. "You're more than enough. And no matter what, I'm here. We'll figure it out together."

The words, though comforting, didn't seem to ease the weight in my chest. There was no easy answer, no neat solution to the mess Julian had left behind. But Lena was right. I didn't have to do this alone. And maybe, just maybe, I could make it through one step at a time.

The next morning, I woke to the sound of my phone vibrating on the coffee table. My heart skipped when I saw who it was.

Julian.

My stomach clenched, the familiar rush of fear and anger mixing together in a tight knot. I stared at the phone for a long moment before answering.

"Mira," Julian's voice came through, tentative and unsure. "I-uh, I just wanted to check in. How are you?"

I couldn't bring myself to speak at first. I wanted to scream at him, to demand answers, but all I could do was stare at the floor, trying to keep my composure.

"I'm fine," I said, my voice flat. "Just... taking things one day at a time."

"I know I've messed up," he said, and there was a pause, as if he was looking for the right words. "I... I'm sorry. About everything."

I didn't respond immediately.

"Do you need anything?" he asked, and the question felt hollow. Like he was asking just because it was the right thing to say, not because he actually cared.

"No," I said, finally finding my voice. "I don't need anything from you. I'm figuring it out on my own."

There was a long silence on the other end.

"Mira... I'm here if you need to talk," he said, his voice quiet, almost apologetic.

"I don't need you to be here, Julian," I replied, my voice strong, steady. "I need to move on. I need to figure this out for myself."

I ended the call without waiting for his response, placing the phone back down with a finality I hadn't felt in days.

And in that moment, I knew something. I knew I would be okay.

This time, I would be okay. And I didn't need Julian Cross to define what that meant.