Chapter 6

Thursday 5 January9st 3 (excellent progress - 21b of fat spontaneously combusted through joy and sexual promise), alcohol units 6 (v.g. for party), cigarettes 12 (continuing good work), calories 1258 (love has eradicated need to pig out).11 a.m. Office. Oh my God. Daniel Cleaver just sent me a message. Was trying to work on CV without Per?petua noticing (in preparation for improving career) when Message Pending suddenly flashed up on top of screen.

Delighted by, well, anything - as always am if is not work - I quickly pressed RMS Execute and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Cleave at the bottom of the message. I instantly thought he had been able to tap into the computer and see that I was not getting on with my work. But then I read the message:MessageJonesYou appear to have forgotten your skirt. As I think is made perfectly clear in yourcontract of employment, staff are expectedto be fully dressed at all times.CleaveHah! Undeniably flirtatious. Thought for a little while whilst pretending to study tedious-beyond-belief manu?script from lunatic Have never messaged Daniel Cleaver before but brilliant thing about messaging system is you can be really quite cheeky and informal, even to your boss. Also can spend ages practising. This is what sent.Message CleaveSir, am appalled by message. Whilst skirtcould reasonably be described as a littleon the skimpy side (thrift being ever ourwatchword in editorial), consider it grossmisrepresentation to describe said skirt asabsent, and considering contacting union. JonesWaited in frenzy of excitement for reply. Sure enough Message Pending quickly flashed up. Pressed RMS:Will whoever has thoughtlessly removed theedited script of KAFKA'S MOTORBIKE from mydesk PLEASE have the decency to return itimmediately.DianeAargh. After that: zilch.Noon. Oh God. Daniel has not replied. Must be furious. Maybe he was being serious about the skirt. Oh God oh God. Have been seduced by informality of messaging medium into being impertinent to boss.12.10.Maybe he has not got it yet. If one could get message back. Think will go for walk and see if can somehow go into Daniel's office and erase it.12.15. Hah. All-explained. He is in meeting with Simon from Marketing. He gave me a look when walked past. Aha. Ahahahaha. Message Pending:Message JonesIf walking past office was attempt todemonstrate presence of skirt can only saythat it has failed parlously. Skirt isindisputably absent. Is skirt off sick? CleaveMessage Pending then flashed up again immediately.MessageJonesIf skirt is indeed sick, please look into howmany days sick leave skirt has taken in prev?ioustwelvemonth. Spasmodic nature of recentskirt attendance suggests malingeringCleaveJust sending back:Message CleaveSkirt is demonstrably neither sick norabscent. Appalled by management'sblatently sizist attitude to skirt.Obsessive interest in skirt suggestsmanagement sick rather than skirt. JonesHmm. Think will cross last bit out as contains mild accusation of sexual harassment whereas v. much enjoying being sexually harassed by Daniel Cleaver.Aaargh. Perpetua just walked past and started reading over shoulder. Just managed to press Alt Screen in nick of time but big mistake as merely put CV back up on screen.'Do let me know when you've finished reading, won't you?' said Perpetua, with a nasty smirk. 'I'd hate to feel you were being underused.'The second she was safely back on the phone - 'I mean frankly, Mr Birkett, what is the point in putting three to four bedrooms when it is going to be obvious the second we appear that bedroom four is an airing cupboard?' - I got back to work. This is what I am about to send.Message CleaveSkirt is demonstrably neither sick norabscent. Appalled by management'sblatently sizist attitude to skirt.Considering appeal to industrial tribunal,tabloids, etc.Jones.Oh dear. This was return message.Message JonesAbsent, Jones, not abscent. Blatantly, notBlatently. Please attempt to acquire atleast perfunctory grasp of spelling. Thoughby no means trying to suggest language fixedrather than constantly adapting, fluctuat?ingtool of communication (cf Hoenigswald)computer spell check might help.CleaveWas just feeling crestfallen when Daniel walked past with Simon from Marketing and shot a very sexy look at my skirt with one eyebrow raised. Love the lovely com?puter messaging. Must work on spelling, though. After all, have degree in English.