Chapter 5 What I Pretended Not to feel

Aira pov

I told myself I didn't care.

That was the lie I repeated the most.

I said it in my head while brushing my teeth. While riding the elevator to work. While pretending to focus during meetings that Noah no longer attended.

You don't care, Aira. You're fine.

But my body never listened.

My chest tightened every time I passed the Strategic Development floor. My stomach dipped whenever I heard his name in passing. My fingers hesitated whenever I opened my phone, like part of me still expected to see a message from him.

I didn't.

Not once.

Noah Reed had vanished from my life with surgical precision.

And I was left standing in the quiet aftermath, trying to act normal.

I became very good at pretending.

At work, I smiled more. I spoke when spoken to. I hit deadlines early. I laughed at jokes I barely heard. People complimented my professionalism, my focus, my resilience.

No one noticed the way my hands curled into fists under the desk.

Or how I stayed late just so I wouldn't have to go home and sit alone with my thoughts.

Controlled. That's what I told myself this was.

Not jealousy. Not pain.

Just... adjustment.

The first time I saw Noah again after running into him with Lena, I was prepared.

At least, I thought I was.

It happened during a cross department briefing. Strategic Development had been invited in to present an update, and I told myself it was fine. That I was over it. That seeing him wouldn't matter anymore.

I even chose my outfit carefully neutral, composed, unremarkable.

Armor.

I took my seat early, notebook open, pen poised. When the door opened and people began filing in, I didn't look up immediately.

I knew he'd be there.

I felt it.

When I finally lifted my gaze, he was standing near the front of the room, tablet in hand, expression calm and unreadable.

Noah looked... good.

Not happier. Not lighter.

Just steadier.

Like someone who had made a decision and refused to look back.

Lena sat two seats away from him.

She leaned toward him, whispering something that made him smile faintly. Not the wide, careless smile he used to give me but something softer. More contained.

My grip tightened on my pen.

This wasn't jealousy, I told myself.

This was observation .

Professional awareness.

The meeting started. Slides were presented. Questions were asked and answered.

Noah spoke when it was his turn, his voice even and confident. He didn't look at me once.

Not even accidentally.

That hurt more than if he had.

When the meeting ended, people stood and gathered their things. I stayed seated a moment longer, forcing myself to breathe evenly.

Don't rush.

Don't react.

You're fine.

I stood only when I was sure my expression was neutral.

As I stepped into the aisle, I nearly collided with Lena.

"Oh sorry," she said quickly.

"It's fine," I replied.

She smiled, polite but curious. "You're Aira, right?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Noah mentioned you," she said lightly.

My heart skipped, traitorous and stupid.

"Did he?" I asked, careful to keep my tone casual.

She tilted her head. "You worked together for a long time."

We used to, I thought.

"Yes," I said aloud. "We did."

She studied me for a second, like she was trying to fit me into a puzzle she didn't yet understand. Then she smiled again.

"Well, it was nice meeting you."

"You too."

She walked away, catching up to Noah easily. He said something to her that made her laugh under her breath.

I watched them go.

Not because I wanted to.

Because some part of me needed to.

That night, I didn't cry.

That surprised me.

Instead, I sat on my couch with my laptop open, staring at a blank document while my mind replayed moments I had once dismissed as harmless.

The way Noah used to wait for me before leaving work even when I told him not to.

The way he listened when I spoke, really listened, like my words mattered.

The way he looked at me when he thought I wasn't paying attention.

I had called all of it friendship.

I wondered now if that had been selfish.

My phone buzzed around midnight.

For a split second, hope flared.

Then I saw Maya's name.

Maya: Are you alive?

Me: Barely.

Maya: You okay? You've been... quiet lately.

I hesitated.

Me: Just tired.

Maya: That's not all of it.

She was right.

But I didn't have the words to explain the hollow feeling in my chest. How do you tell someone you lost something you never officially claimed?

Me: I'll be fine.

She didn't reply right away.

When she did, it was one sentence.

Maya: Careful. "Fine" is how people talk themselves out of the truth.

I set my phone down and leaned back, staring at the ceiling.

Truth.

The word felt heavy.

The next few days passed in a blur of work and restraint. I avoided the Strategic Development floor entirely. I didn't ask about Noah. I didn't mention Lena.

I didn't need to.

People talked.

Apparently, Noah and Lena were inseparable.

They worked late together. Grabbed coffee. Left meetings side by side.

Someone said they looked good together.

I smiled and nodded like it didn't bother me.

Inside, something twisted.

This wasn't chaos. I didn't lash out. I didn't confront anyone. I didn't do anything dramatic.

I just... withdrew.

I became smaller.

Quieter.

More careful with my feelings than ever.

One evening, as I was packing up to leave, my phone buzzed again.

Unknown number.

I frowned, then answered.

"Hello?"

"Aira."

My breath caught.

Noah.

I hadn't heard his voice in weeks.

"Yes?" I said, forcing calm into my tone.

There was a pause on the other end. Like he wasn't sure how to continue.

"I didn't mean to call so late," he said finally.

"It's fine," I replied, even though my heart was pounding.

"I just..." He exhaled. "I wanted to check on you."

I swallowed. "Why?"

Another pause.

"Because I still care," he said quietly.

The words hit harder than I expected.

"I'm okay," I said, even though it wasn't entirely true.

"I heard you've been staying late," he added. "You don't have to do that anymore."

The familiarity in his concern made my chest ache.

"You don't get to tell me what I have to do anymore," I said softly.

"I know," he replied. "I just wanted you to know I noticed."

Noticed.

Just like he always had.

"And Lena?" I asked before I could stop myself.

He went quiet.

"Yes?" he said cautiously.

"You and her," I continued. "You seem... close."

There it was.

Controlled. Measured. Honest-without being desperate.

"Yes," he said. "We are."

The word felt final.

"I'm glad," I lied.

"I didn't call to hurt you," he said quickly.

"I know," I replied. And I did.

We sat in silence for a moment, connected by a call neither of us seemed ready to end.

"I should let you go," he said eventually.

"Okay."

"Aira?"

"Yes?"

"I meant what I said before," he added. "Staying was destroying me."

I closed my eyes.

"And leaving?" I asked.

Another pause.

"I'm still figuring that out."

The line went dead.

I sat there long after the call ended, my phone warm in my hand.

He still cared.

But he wasn't coming back.

And somehow, that hurt more than anything else.

The next morning, I received an email.

Subject line: Project Reassignment

My stomach dropped as I opened it.

Effective next week, I would be reassigned to work directly with Strategic Development.

With Noah.

I stared at the screen, my pulse racing.

This wasn't coincidence .

This wasn't harmless.

This was fate or cruelty testing how controlled I really was.

I leaned back in my chair, heart pounding, one thought echoing louder than the rest.

I had avoided my feelings for too long.

And now, there would be nowhere left to hide.

If I was going to face Noah again every day I would have to decide one thing

Keep pretending I felt nothing...

or finally admit what I had already lost.