Chapter 9 It's okay not to be okay

"Are you okay?" Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I forced a smile and nodded. "I'm good."

I wondered how she would react when she learned that I was infertile...

"Because of your pure intention, I won't fire you," she smiled.

I sighed in relief and bowed. "Thank you so much..."

"Oh... no need."

"I will make sure it won't happen again!"

"Come on, you're funny."

.....

"Hey... why are you looking like that? Did you see a ghost?"

That was when I realised I was already home. I was hugging my handbag tightly to my chest!

"Oh, I'm home," I scoffed and dashed to my room, Sofia following me in confusion.

"Lisa, are you okay? Why are you in tears!"

"I'm fine," I sniffed.

"Hey, wait..." She caught my hand before I could enter my room. I couldn't hold it anymore, I burst into tears.

"Oh my gosh... what's going on with you, babe," she whispered and hugged me, placing my forehead on her shoulder, patting my back.

"Whatever you're thinking, it's going to be alright. I promise."

Will I really be alright? I always wished for romantic love with a good-looking man, especially one who was caring. That's why I mistook Timothy's care for love. I'm scared... scared of staying alone, scared of being single while my mates celebrated five, ten, twenty years of wedding anniversaries.

One thing I despised was divorce... Why would he divorce me if he loved me so much? I want someone who will care for me too, to treat me like a queen and a kid.

But, what I'm afraid of... It's happening.... That's why I'm always depressed. Getting this homeroom teacher job was just to kill boredom.

If I knew things would turn out like that with my ex-husband, I wouldn't have rushed into that marriage. Rushing into marriage isn't good... I'm regretting it.

Why did I submit myself to a man who didn't value me? Ahh! I'm the one at fault! I shouldn't have let fear dictate my actions. Sometimes, it's okay not to be okay...

I'm embarrassed about my parents' relationship. I'm not fine with it. I keep thinking it's a generational curse. My grandmother was alone. I have no idea who my grandfather is. I heard he was heartless. There's a secret picture of my grandmother with a swollen face... that says it all.

My mom also ended up single for one reason or another. I'm not fucking okay with that! I'm scared of meeting a man like my father or grandfather! I should have burned that feeling... of being alone... I shouldn't have been afraid of it. Now I've ended up labelling myself a divorced woman. Every man who finds out looks at me differently, thinking I cheated on my husband, that's why he divorced me...

After divorcing my husband, I learned one thing, rushing into marriage isn't good. I think it's the same mistake my mom and grandma made. I should have thought about it before letting fear eat me alive.

Not every man who approaches a woman wants to follow the law of forever and ever.

.....

"I think my case is far worse than theirs," I sighed and sat on my bed, Sofia sitting beside me.

"Will you stop doing this to yourself," she frowned. "If you keep doing that, how will you be respected? The first rule of life is loving yourself!"

"I know," I giggled. "I'm just trying to understand something. My case is different from my mom's or my grandmother's. My husband divorced me because of... the infertility stuff... I don't want to talk about it"

"Hmmm... is that what you've been telling yourself?" she frowned. "Don't tell me you still love that jerk."

I quickly shook my head. "Of course not! I'm just saying no man will want me because I'm disabled."

Sofia suddenly roared with laughter. "Wow! I didn't know you were this stupid for real."

I froze. "What?"

"Listen, idiot," she said seriously. "Whether you can bear a child or not is none of his concern. He didn't love you. He wanted a child because his family was desperate for one."

"Ohhh..."

"Exactly. You're saying all this because you've never experienced real love. If a man loves you, Lisa, he won't care about anything bad about you. And you're not disabled! Look, there's a famous hospital. You can go for a check-up. Whatever the result is, it's the truth."

"Dwell Health Hospital?" I looked at her in confusion and froze when she nodded.

"Where will I get the money for their check-up?" It's the best hospital. I heard the doctor barely comes around because he travels a lot. He's the best, with many professional doctors and expert nurses under him. Only the richest can afford him...

"I can just try a local one..."

"Listen, gullible," she said. "I was able to book an appointment through my fiancé."

We both paused. She shook her head and continued.

"He managed to book with the doctor himself."

I froze. "Wait... what? How did he do that?" We've been investigating his job and found nothing special except the wine he sells. He made it sound like nothing serious.

"I don't know either," she sighed. "I feel like he's hiding something from me..." She dropped the card in front of me. "I'm scared to marry him."

"Don't even dare marry him if you're still doubting him," I warned. I don't want her to make my mistake.

She chuckled. "Don't worry. We've been together for three years. I'll handle it. Today is my appointment with them." She checked her watch. "Ohh, it's almost time. You should start going. You're about to meet the owner himself."

"Ahh... really? Thanks. I'm not prepared for that..." I paused. "But why did you even book an appointment for me? Are you sick?"

She thought for a moment. "Actually, it's for you. I told him about your situation and he wants to help."

"You told him about me?" I froze in embarrassment. What if he sees me as disgusting... as his fiancée's broken friend?

"Don't worry. He isn't a jerk like your ex. He understood."

I rolled my eyes and headed straight to the hospital. Even with Sofia's directions, it took me a long time to locate the first floor. The tallest among the sixteen buildings.

I was told to wait in the waiting area. Not many patients. They designed it this way in case of emergencies. Nice idea. There were so many doctors and nurses. No wonder it's the best hospital.

Then a tall man in a black suit approached me. "Miss Lisa Gilbert?"

"That's me," I said, standing up quickly. Oh... the appointment is really for me. It's registered in my name...

"Follow me, please."

I nodded and followed him into a luxurious office nervously. A couple walked out, and then I saw a man in a navy-blue suit writing on a jotter.

My gosh. He's deadly good-looking!! "Have a seat," he said.

I sat nervously. "Good... good afternoon, sir."

"Good afternoon, Miss Lisa," he said, then looked up at me.

I froze. I was surprised to see him! The man who sat beside Mr Donavon when Mrs Donovan was introducing me to her husband! But how?

I'm doomed!