Chapter 2 Bad Mother

The sound of the front door closing stirred me out of my nap. I looked up and found my son's deep eyes watching me with concern.

"How was school today, love?" I sat up and pulled him close to me.

He eagerly sat on my lap and hugged me. Panicked, I patted him, worried that something might have happened to him at school. "It's okay sweetie, you can talk to mommy."

Still holding on to me, he looked into my eyes and asked slowly, "Daddy didn't let you go out today again?"

The words came out quietly, like Caleb always spoke but they hit me harder than I could have ever expected. "What? No, of course not." The lie came out shaky and more emotionally charged than I intended. "Mommy just wasn't feeling well, that's all."

His expression didn't change, almost like he didn't believe me but he nodded. "Will you have to go to the hospital?" he asked, still studying my face.

"No dear, it's nothing serious. I just needed to rest." This time my lie had more composure behind it. "Why don't you go upstairs and change so you can help me make dinner?"

"Okay."

As I watched him go up the stairs, casting worried glances at me, I felt my throat burn as I bit down on the inside of my cheek, forcing myself to stay still. I couldn't let my son see me cry. Caleb was only eight and I had hoped he would be blissfully ignorant of the struggles Leo and I were facing, but I was wrong.

I needed to do better, as a mother, as a wife. It was my responsibility to shield my son from any negative emotion, and I was failing.

The thought dwelled in my mind for the rest of the day. I tried to act normally, for Caleb's sake, but I couldn't get rid of it, and the awful feeling of shame that had taken rest in my heart.

Later that night, after Caleb was long asleep, I sat next to Leo, unsure of how to bring up the issue. Finally, I decided to start in the way that felt right. "Leo," he stopped typing on his laptop but didn't turn to face me. And I didn't need him to, his attention was what I wanted. "Today, after Caleb got home from school, he noticed I hadn't gone out like I said I would.... And he asked if it was because you didn't let me." I noticed his fist tighten and I quickly added. "Of course, I let him understand that it was my choice to stay back. But it has me thinking.... I don't think I'm doing my job as a mother right."

He placed his laptop on the drawer by his side of the bed and turned to face me fully. "You see what I mean? You always spend too much time thinking about irrelevant things that you failed to notice that your son -your only child - was suffering."

When he said that, my heart shattered. I immediately wanted to undo everything I had done wrong during all our years of marriage. "I'm sorry Leo," I looked away, unable to meet his gaze. "You must be so disappointed in me."

In the most gentle but firm way, he pulled me close to him. His embrace answered my question before his words did.

'Yes I am, but you can fix it.'

"You still have a chance to make things right." He finally said, still holding me.

I nodded, holding back tears. "I was thinking.... This Saturday, maybe we could go the park-"

It felt like the whole world stopped, even Leo's heart had slowed, or maybe I just imagined it. Slowly, he moved away from me. "What is wrong with you? Even after what we just talked about, you're still bringing this up?"

"N-no, I just-"

"This house is more than enough for anything you'd want to do. What are you always looking for outside?"

"I just felt that he might want to visit a park or maybe a movie theater -"

"Then let the housekeeper take him."

"Leo-"

His response was a slight click of his tongue, and it was more than enough to pass his message across. I swallowed hard, trying to fight off the feeling of disappointment that rose in my throat.

Smiling, I said, "I'll give him the news tomorrow. Goodnight."

He nodded and carried his laptop, returning his full focus on the device.

★★★

Almost immediately Leo left the house the next morning, I was greeted by the smiling face of my mother in law. "Hello dear," she hugged me as she let herself into the living room.

"Good morning mum, did Leo ask you to come?"

"He worries about you dear, thinks you might be lonely. And I hear you need some assistance with little Caleb?"

Her words held no hostility but it still poked at my heart with a painful jab. So Leo was disappointed after all. "I'm really not sure what I'm doing wrong mum, I don't want to fail my son."

She wiped my tears, smiling ever so kindly. "It's alright dear. Motherhood is tough, and this is your first child so it's very natural to make some mistakes from time to time. That's why I'm here."

I nodded and allowed myself to be led further into the living room. We sat next to each other on the sofa, my mother in law's hands never leaving mine. It was a kind gesture, but at the same time, it left me feeling like a child who had done something wrong and was supposed to be scolded.

Sharon was Leo's mother, and the only one in his family who was fond of me. She was always looking out for me and worrying for my comfort. She was also the only one who knew my secret.

Ever since I lost my mother, she never let me feel the gap and even before then, she had been my angel.

"Talk to me dear, what happened?"

In the most steady voice I could find, I started to explain. "Recently, Leo has been coming home very late...."

I told her how his withdrawal had been affecting me, how my emotions had been all over the place, even though Leo hadn't really done anything wrong. Finally, when I talked about Caleb and his comment, I noticed her expression change.

Though it only lasted a second, I caught it, the slight furrow in her brows and the tiniest frown that twitched the corner of her lips.

After I finished, she smiled again. "Well, it seems like you already know what to do, don't you?"

Slowly, I nodded. "I should respect Leo's actions more."

"Good." The way her smile widened indicated that my response pleased her. In her warm, motherly tone, she added, "And don't talk back. A perfect wife should never question her husband."

The same thing she had been saying to me throughout my nine years of marriage.

It felt like those words had been etched into my brain and it made voicing out my opinion feel like I was at war with my body.

A part of me wanted to go against them, but another- much bigger part of me- had been clinging so desperately to them for the past nine years that my whole personality had been built around them.

"Thank you mum." I smiled softly, regaining most of my composure.

"Do you feel better?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now go and get dressed, we have a family meeting this weekend and you need a new dress."

Excited, I rushed upstairs to change. Opportunities like this were rare, and I didn't dare waste any time delaying.