Chapter 4 Lingering Feelings

Ryan

Damn that girl for making me feel things I swore I would never feel again.

She lingered in my mind, refusing to leave me alone. No matter how much I tried, her face, her voice, her body-every piece of her-had taken root inside me, and I couldn't rip it out.

Did I sense she was a virgin? Yes. And at first, I didn't care. All I wanted was someone who could carry my child, someone whose womb I could fill and watch bear my heir. That was all this was supposed to be. A transaction. A necessity.

But when the moment came, I couldn't do it.

If I really wanted to lie to myself, I could pretend it was Nathan's words echoing in my head, clouding my judgment. But deep down, I knew that wasn't the truth. The truth was far more terrifying.

I wanted to be gentle with her.

I wanted to kiss my way down her body, taste her sweetness, hear her soft moans spill from her lips as I pushed her into pleasure she'd never known. I wanted to worship her before I ever claimed her.

I wanted to make love to her.

The second that thought hit me, I panicked. Love wasn't supposed to be part of this. Not for me. Not ever again. And so, I snapped. I told her to leave, shouted at her like some monster just to protect myself from what I was really feeling.

It took everything in me to keep my wolf at bay, to stop the animal inside me from acting out the filthy fantasies running through my mind. The last time I had felt anything like this was with my mate, Franciscka. And even entertaining these thoughts now felt like betrayal.

I had sworn, the night she died, that no one else would ever hold my heart. That even if she was gone, I would keep her alive inside me. And now look at me-breaking that vow because of some girl I barely knew.

Once upon a time, I was happy.

I had just been crowned Alpha after my father's death. I had my mate, the love of my life. Franciscka and I were young and in love, dreaming of the future we would build together. She was pregnant with our son. Everything was perfect.

Until the rogues came.

They tore her apart in front of me, ripped her from limb to limb until there was nothing left but blood and silence. And all because I was ten minutes too late. Ten minutes. That failure cost me my mate, my child, my entire world.

Tell me, how do you move on from that?

And yet here I was, lusting after a woman I had bought. A woman who should mean nothing to me.

A growl of frustration escaped me as I finished in the bathroom, disgust and shame washing over me. Relief came, but never enough. Never enough to erase her from my thoughts.

I had been touching myself ever since I left her. My body was restless, my cock hard and aching with a hunger only she could satisfy. And tonight, in that lingerie... God, she was breathtaking. That black lace clung to her curves, offering me glimpses I wanted to devour. She was temptation itself.

And she was mine.

My hand twitched toward myself again, but then a sharp knock at my door yanked me back to reality. I cursed under my breath, quickly tucking myself back into my pants before opening the door.

Nathan stood there, eyes wide, expectant. Of course. If there was one thing about him, it was that nothing ever got past him. He was like a bloodhound for gossip. No surprise he was here barely half an hour after my... disaster.

"What happened?" he asked immediately, his voice brimming with curiosity.

I raked a frustrated hand through my hair and groaned. "I couldn't do it."

Nathan blinked. "Did anything happen?" His voice carried genuine concern, though I couldn't tell if it was for me or for her.

"She's a fucking virgin."

"And...?"

The confusion on his face nearly made me laugh. For anyone else, it wouldn't have mattered. For me? It shattered everything.

"You don't understand, Nathan. I looked at her and I didn't just want to fuck her. I wanted to make love to her. Do you get that? After everything... after Franciscka... I can't."

At my words, something softened in his expression. "But is it really so terrible, Alpha? To let yourself be happy again?"

A snarl escaped me before I could stop it. "I don't want to be happy with anyone who isn't Franciscka."

Nathan immediately lowered his gaze. "Forgive me. I overstepped."

I sighed, running my hands over my face. "I'm just... overwhelmed."

He hesitated, then said carefully, "But Alpha, you know why this is necessary. You need an heir."

The reminder hit me like a stone. My jaw tightened, and I nodded once. "I know."

My brother, Liam, was reason enough. A wild card. Bitter since the day our father chose me over him to inherit the title of Alpha. Bitter because I beat him at everything. Our father had seen the truth clearly-Liam was too unstable, too reckless to rule. But that didn't mean he had accepted it.

He never did.

I saw it in his eyes the day Franciscka died with our child. The spark of hope, the twisted satisfaction. He knew I was vulnerable then, that my throne wasn't as secure without an heir. And Liam? He's always waiting, always scheming, always looking for an opening to take what isn't his.

That's why I needed a child. My child. My blood to carry on the line. And I would get that child at any cost.

"I'll fuck her, Nathan. Just not today."

Nathan flushed at my blunt words. Years later and he still wasn't used to what he called my "crass vocabulary." I liked to think of it as colorful honesty.

"I should go," he muttered, still pink in the face.

I managed a faint smile. "Thank you for checking on me."

He nodded, started to leave, then paused at the doorway. "Alpha?"

"Yeah?"

"Just... try. Try to be happy. Franciscka is gone, and I know she was everything to you. But don't condemn yourself to misery for the rest of your life."

I swallowed hard, his words heavy in my chest. He meant well, but moving on? That was easier said than done. Loving someone new would feel like erasing Franciscka, like replacing her with nothing but shadows.

Still, I forced myself to nod. "I'll try."

He studied me for a moment, then gave a small smile. "Goodnight, Alpha."

"Goodnight."

When the door closed behind him, silence wrapped around me like chains. Sleep never came. All night, my mind replayed her face, her body, the sound of her breath when she looked at me with those wide, vulnerable eyes.

Zaya had invaded me.

And I hated that part of me didn't want her to leave.

Which is why, before the sun even rose, I left the house. I couldn't see her. Not yet.

Not when my heart and my wolf were this close to betraying everything I had promised to protect.