burning templation

I put the last tray of the night under the kitchen table and took a deep breath.

background. It was already dawn and my body was asking for a bed and rest with urgency. I took off my apron and grabbed the bag with my name on it and the leftovers from the dinner provided. It would be my first meal after long hours.

I'm working at a buffet on the weekends to support my extra bills lately. It hasn't been easy keeping my routine as a violinist with the Chicago Philharmonic Orchestra during the week and have strength to smile and wave through endless parties and fine cocktails

on weekends.

- Hey Kate, here's your money. I call you during the week to confirm the schedule of events next week. – Andy, the manager from the buffet, he said as he handed me the envelope.

I smiled slightly as I finished tucking my bag in

my back.

- Thanks Andy.

- Go straight home girl, you look like you've been hit by a bus.

- Thanks for raising my self-esteem Andy. you look great too after seven hours on your feet. - I started towards the back door.

kitchen. - Bye, see you next week.

I got a taxi just around the corner, the only luxury I allowed on the weekends thanks to my tight budget, and I closed the eyes for a moment allowing all the weariness of the week to take over.

take care of my body. A twinge in the back of my neck reminded me that my next headache would not be long in coming.

It had been six weeks since my diagnosis and I was still struggling against him.

"Kate, I'm so sorry, but you have a brain tumor. It's inoperable. "

That's what the first doctor to diagnose me told me. and also the three others that I have visited in recent weeks. It was the same thing, just with

some different words. I had gone home every time with the insistent tears down my face and a stubbornness in accepting what everyone those professionals had told me. I went to the hospital two weeks ago because of a very strong headache that the medicines at home

they weren't noticing. It was then that the doctor on duty referred me to the only neurosurgeon in Chicago who might be interested in my case.

The problem was that the health service would not cover this consultation and the extra weekend money would be destined for one thing: a appointment next Monday.

It was my last hope I felt the car stop and opened my eyes to see my building up ahead.

I paid the fare and started up the steps like a robot. I lived in a charming historic building in West Town, a few few doors and no elevators, but nothing took away my charm for

that place. I started to climb the stairs to the second floor when the clatter of bracelets and a thin heel rose behind me.

- You look like an old lady going up slowly like that.

It was Amber, my neighbor. Our doors were facing each other and we always had time for a little gossip and coffee.

- It's almost three in the morning Amber, anyone coming homebat that time you have the right to walk at the pace of the elderly. what are you going up the stairs in that violent way?

- My shoes are killing me! -She said as she looked at the foot.

- Have you thought about taking them off?

- They're too wonderful for that.

- Are you sure they're worth the pain? Her foot looks a little swollen...

- They're worth a life, Kate. Look at that amazing red sole and tell me aren't they wonderful?

- Oh my God, this is...

- Yes, Christian Louboutin is at my feet. - She said proudly as he continued up the steps beside me. - I won in the week passed from an old man.

"Amber, get away from me. I'm too underdressed to stay close to it. - We started laughing.

I got a good look at Amber in her long, tight evening gown.

blue, the incredible cleavage and revealing beyond her long red hair and the striking makeup that made her look like a movie star, and soon I deduced that she came from a night with one of her stupidly rich customers.

We'd been neighbors for about a year, ever since she got married.

change wearing high sandals and micro shorts, climbing frantically boxes like those shoes didn't matter. I was impressed on how she managed to remain elegant in such an exhausting situation.

It didn't take long for us to start talking excitedly. when we met in the hallway and despite the exterior, we had lots of things in common. One night, after a few movies and several glasses of wine, Amber said she earned her living as a luxury escort.

I had already seen the sophisticated cars coming to pick her up at the entrance, and all

the robed killers she wore gave me a good lead. Is it over there he waited a few seconds noticing each of my expressions facials. I took another sip of wine and said, "Well, I really was.

waiting for the right moment to say that I fnd all your evening dresses wonderful, so don't be alarmed if one day I knock on your door asking

some borrowed". I saw something like relief pass through her.

face, but then she started laughing and we continued talking.

I worried, but I knew she didn't need that from me, she alreadybshould have a lot of her own and other people.

We were still laughing when we got to our foor as I dragged me with weariness.

- Kate, do you want to come eat something? I have a lasagna myself waiting in the oven. - She said as she tied the long red strands in a coke.

- No, Amber, thank you. I can't think of anything else but mine bed at this time.

- You look extremely tired. The buffet is very

pulled?

- Yeah, I'm exhausted. My trays were too heavy today, my head is about to explode. I'm just going to take some aspirin and go to sleep

as much as I can.

- Kate, um... I don't really know how to say this, but... You never

thought of doing something lighter to get some extra money... Something else easy?

- Like this? - I looked at Amber for a few moments without understanding very well, until my penny dropped. - Do something... How do you do it?

- Well, what do you think exactly I do? - Things a luxury escort does... - I really was getting uncomfortable with the direction this conversation was taking.

- Oh my God Kate, you're blushing. - She started to laugh. - Look, there are a million things an escort can do, but at the same time

Contrary to what most people think, I don't spend the night in a brothel and beaten by a pimp. Most of the time, my work is the same as

a model. - She said in an amused tone that made me laugh.

- Model?

- Exactly. I sleep with some clients? Yes, sometimes, but only with the ones I want and trust. Most of the time I just have to use

an expensive dress and walk up and down with a smile on her face.

arm in arm with some rich guy. Exhibitions, balls, business dinners Just smile and wave.

- I'm not good at that kind of thing. I would bore a guy in two times.

- Not with that body. - She said taking the keys in her purse. - The thing the whole thing is this, I see you coming and going and well... I can tell that you don't walk very well, you always look tired and clearly is in need of money... The truth is that you have a choice between earn a few tens of dollars an hour as a waiter, or you can

earn a few thousand in one night.

- A few thousand...?

- From five hundred to

Kate - See, that's exactly the point.

- My God, that explains that jewel shining on your feet We both started laughing.

- I had never imagined myself in this kind of situation, thank you for putting so much faith in me. - I laughed again, but Amber remained serious.

- Kate, this is my way of saying that if you need any thing... Just talk I hugged Amber.

My head started to ache with full force.

I had been trying not to break down and hope for weeks. she didn't have no one else to trust or confde in. Even so, something held and could not tell her about the large mass growing in my brain, or the possibility of not being in this world for the next few months. She wasn't prepared for this, but it was nice to know that someone was worried about me. It gave me tremendous strength.

- Thank you, Amber. She looked me in the eye, waiting for an answer.

but that would be all she got from me tonight. - I don't want talk about my life now... maybe another time, coffee in hand.

- There's always a cup here for you!

We said goodbye and I went into the house. My apartment was about sixty meters divided into bedroom, living room and kitchen, and most importantly: it was mine. Was the only thing I had in the world.

I threw my backpack on the sofa and went straight to the kitchen to get some a glass of water to help swallow the pills. my aches and pains headaches were becoming more and more frequent and strong. In the week

past I had seen everything dark for a few seconds during a severe crisis and had spent a few hours lying in bed scared as hell.

hell. I took the medicine and went to the shower.

It was past three-thirty in the morning when I fnally managed to get in sleep and that's why I spent a good Sunday afternoon sleeping. I used that day to make my body recover its energies and try to take away all the tiredness that

had during the week. I had lunch at a time very distant from the timenormal and I used the rest of the afternoon to wash my clothes and rehearse in my violin.

It was the only thing that helped me clear my head of problems.

Little notes, a few chords, and then I'd dive into a melody that It made me forget even where I was. The hours passed and I I kept practicing. The orchestra was preparing for the season of

presentations that would start in three months. I joined a year ago as a reserve violinist. I followed the rehearsals, but only presenting if someone was unavailable. I only introduced myself time and that was enough for them to want me as the lead next time.

season. It's not like I was going to have a solo or anything, but there was shown that it was good enough to be among the main ones.

I didn't hear from Amber that day, nor did I hear anything from her.

movement from across the hall.

I woke up the next morning earlier than usual. I looked out the window for the day that had not yet dawned and I tried to be as positive as possible.

possible. It was an important day for my illness, the fourth important day and the other three all fnished in a bad way, but needed to be strong.

I threw away the voice that insisted on telling me that I was only spending a mountain of money to be told one more time that he was going to die I couldn't break now.

I counted once more all the money I had left and all I had managed to collect in the last few weeks just to pay for the consultation. He was

paying my bills and buying food with my credit card.

An invoice that was due soon and that I had no idea how to pay My appointment was at eight, so an hour and a half before I was

down the stairs with my exams in my backpack. I took the subway and felt Anxiety takes over my body. My stomach didn't accept anything for

breakfast and I was scared of my recurrent morning sickness appear.

I arrived at the building quite early and was awestruck by the richness of that environment. Dr. Patterson had a very expensive ofce in

a very fancy place and I'd be screwed if I had to do more queries. The receptionist gave me a smile as I walked through the front door.

ofce and the waiting room was with few people. It was an environment common with some plants, the walls in neutral tones and the

mahogany. I waited, doing my best to remain calm, and then I heard thereceptionist pronounce my name.

The Doctor. Patterson was very different from what I had imagined. He had

athletic build and appeared to be no older than forty. I swore that I would fnd someone in their sixties with white hair and glasses.

He had a serene expression and received me with great attention.

I explained my situation and he looked at each of my scans with a thorough look. He asked me a few questions about how I felt and I replied by talking about each of the symptoms I've been presenting. Him questioned my medications and still wanted to know if they were giving me

quality of life or just reasonably lessened my symptoms.

No other doctor had asked me all this this way, they they had just looked at the exams and given me the card: "You are going to die."

Please Dr. Patterson, be different.

- Miss Sullivan, I don't beat around the bush with my patients, so I'd like you not to be scared by what I'm going to say. Whereby I can see, you have been to other professionals correct?

- Yes.

- And what did they tell you?

- Which is inoperable. It's already too serious to do anything.

I saw Dr. Patterson put my exams on the table and glared at me very serious.

- Miss Sullivan...

- Kate, please call me Kate.

He looked surprised, but he obeyed me.

- Kate... There's no subtle way to say this, but... You're with a time bomb in the brain. - He warned, but I felt the impact of it form. - Your tumor, from what I can see, grows every day. your symptoms indicate a serious progression of your state of health. the tumor is located in a highly sensitive area of ​your brain. there are very few doctors who have the courage to venture into something like this, but I am a

from them.

I stopped breathing for a full fve seconds and stared at him, feeling his chest hold tight. He must have seen the change in my eyes, because I felt them fll with tears.

- I coordinate a scientifc study on your type of tumor. At the At the moment, there are very few treatments for a brain tumor like its in such an advanced state. Surgeries are often fatal, so theMost of my colleagues prefer their patients to spend their last days in comfort.

I saw him take some papers out of the drawer and he went back to talking in his friendly.

- I am developing a new technique invented in Europe in the last years. We basically prepare your body with injections. We will do what we can to stop your symptoms and prevent the

tumor grows. The drugs are strong and contain many side effects. But she will allow me to have a greater chance of success in resecting and extracting the your tumour.

- And do I ft in your study? Do I have a chance? - I asked trembling with what I had never lost... Hope.

- Yes, you are a perfect candidate, Kate. But I need to warn you.

Our study is new and I cannot promise success in your surgery. The place in which your tumor has developed compromises many important areas.

Even if you manage to remove the entire cancerous mass, the chances of sequels

are highly possible.

- How high?

- In a year and a half, my team has treated six cases. We had two deaths and all other patients had sequelae I didn't expect that.

- What kind of sequels are you talking about? - I asked without having I wasn't sure I really wanted to hear the answer. The Doctor. Patterson took a deep breath.

- Blindness, loss of sensation or paralysis of any of the limbs, loss of speech and memory. Those are the ones that happened. Everything is new, no we can be sure exactly what could happen to you. Kate, yeah important that you understand all the risks.

My voice came out a little hoarse.

- It means that if I don't operate there is nothing that can be done besides

wait my death And if I operate, in addition to hoping to succeed survive, am I stuck in a Russian roulette sequel?

- Unfortunately, that's exactly it. - The Doctor. Patterson looked incredibly aware of my situation. He gave me a Kleenex and waited

I gently pull myself together after a torrent of tears.

- I... - My voice was too choked up. -I do not want to die. - It was the only thing that lingered on my mind day and night. - I came for that... All the other doctors told me that I was going to die, and in the hospital theperson who referred me to you, told me it was the only place I could

help me. And now, I don't know if I should choose between dying or living for always without some part of me...

- Kate... - He held my hand. - When did you wake up morning, what were your chances of surviving?

- What? - I was confused.

- Why did you come? What were the chances you were given to survive to this tumor?

- None. All the other doctors said it was inoperable and that I only had a few months.

- I'm giving you eighty percent. you had none

percentage and now I'm giving you eighty. You went from zero to eighty. You can go on planning your life, you can think about what you want eat in a month, where do you want to travel in a year, why are you now you know you can survive. And we're not even sure yet that you will.

sequels, you can be our frst miracle and in a year you can be wherever you want, swimming on some beach, well and happy. you have a chance Kate, don't forget this.

I went back to crying for a while and the doctor kept waiting for me patiently.

- What do I do now? - I said in a calmer tone, sighing after the attack of tears. Would this be a normal day in the lives of doctors who dealt with illnesses like mine?

- I knew I was talking to a warrior. - The doctor looked pleased. - Well Kate, there are some technical details that unfortunately we need to treat. To make it easier for my patients, I perform the surgeries totally pro bono, but my team, the hospital and the drugs used need to be paid. No health insurance covers our study, and expenses are high. Surgery and treatment are around one hundred thousand dollars.

I was paralyzed by what I heard.

- I don't have all that. I can't put all of this together in one million years.

- Calm down. Our research is sponsored by a charitable fund from medical university of chicago. I will do anything to get a fifty percent sponsorship for you. You just need to get the

another ffty thousand. - You make it look so easy... I need time to put this together.

- Kate, your case is urgent. You have exams from two weeks ago, but even then they may be outdated. We need to do one more to ensure how your tumor is at the moment. your symptoms are serious and time is the last thing we have.

- The other doctors gave me a few months, look I can try plan something and...

- Your headaches, your blurred vision, lack of balance...

clear indications that your tumor is growing out of control... Do you have weeks, Kate.

I broke out in a cold sweat listening to that.

- Go home, I want to see you tomorrow at the hospital so we can do the exams and fll out all the paperwork to start your treatment. You will

receive the frst dose of medication and then we'll talk better.

We're in this together.

- Thank you, doctor. Really.

He got up and walked me to the door. I left, but not before receive a warm handshake.

I left the ofce in a daze.

I went to the subway and sat down not knowing exactly what to do and where to go.

where to go. I needed something to help me know that everything was going to be okay.

The people who would have done this for me were no longer here. Maybe because of that, without realizing it, I found myself walking to the cemetery.

I touched the names on the tombstones in a futile attempt to feel them more

close to me. I already had a family once. So united, so much love that nothing seemed to go wrong, just premature deaths.

My father died when I was still a baby. I grew up with my mother and my brother, with all of my mother's hard work and love for us.

We lost her first in a stupid car accident. oliver and me we move forward despite the pain. A few years later, it was the turn of war take my brother away. His body came sealed from the Middle East and I I saw alone, forever.

"I'm going to save the world, little sister". That's what he told me in last time I saw him.

I thought I'd get used to it over the years, but moments like this reminded me that nothing would ever replace them and that there is no

no one else looking out for me. I don't know if I can get through it all alone.

I got a chance this morning, and all I could think of was that I couldn't let my family end up like this. I was the last Sullivan that left, I would not leave the world without leaving my mark, or without a good argument. I stayed there a while longer and then I decided to run after what

most needed right now: Money.

My first stop was the bank.

It took forty minutes and a lot of patience while the manager typed a million pieces of data and asked me the same questions. I felt so bored that I counted how many lines he had on the shirt underneath his suit.

This whole time to explain in a general way that I needed money for an investment and that my answer was a no. I saw red in this time. I applied for a loan and was told I was a "risk" and that wouldn't get one. So I tried a mortgage, even though I knew would need a place for after surgery. I was focused on gettingmoney and think about it later.

- Your profile does not allow us to accept, Miss Sullivan.

- I desperately need the money – I took a deep breath, decided to count my personal drama – I'm sick. If you don't get the loan, don't I can pay for the surgery, and if I don't get it, I die. Do you understand how are you being responsible for my death?

- Ma'am, I know you're upset. But we can't do that. if your life finances were more controlled, but we can't do anything...

- I mean, you're saying fuck me, that's it.

- Ma'am, you're being rude.

- I'm going to die, dammit! I'll be as rude as I can!

- Ma'am, please calm down...

- Is there some kind of loan I can take out, some way to get money?

- Unfortunately not. With your profile and information about your health, it is unlikely to be approved.

Nobody would give a loan to a woman alone with two jobs to keep and about to die, just hadn't thought about it before to come here. My option was to sell the house, but I would depend on the situation market, and didn't have the luxury of waiting months for the deal to be

concretized.

I left there promising myself that I would stay positive. There was one more thing I could do, as much as it squeezed my heart.

I arrived at real estate with a heavy heart. It was past time lunch and I had rehearsal with the orchestra in a few hours. the agent Realtor was kind to me. She was very interested in

location of my building and we scheduled to inspect the house together and take pictures

night. It was so much better.

I arrived late at rehearsal and received a scolding look from the maestro.

I spent the next few hours training exhaustively, but with my head disconnected from everything that was happening to me. With each note that the maestro asked us to repeat I was submerged in my little world of chords and symphony.

I didn't have much time to rest when I got home. Susan,the real estate agent soon rang the bell. She took a little tour and took

several photos. She thought the house was great, but warned me about the tough market.

even for the amount I needed. She said she had some clients in mind and that I would send some e-mails later today. The value was below

bachelor apartments were highly sought after. We said goodbye and I sat down on the couch, tired. I thought about everything that day had been and tried not to getting very anxious about what was waiting for me tomorrow at the hospital.

Which was a big lie because I ended up losing sleep yet againtime and saw the dawn through my bedroom window.

I took my medicine after showering and got ready without much haste.

I chose jeans and a simple T-shirt. I ate an omelet and toast along with an orange juice. Lucky day! my stomach felt as hopeful as I am and held up some sort of nourishment. The doctors they had made it clear how important my diet was.

I locked the door and decided to say hi to Amber. I waited some time after ringing the doorbell, but she didn't come, she must have been sleeping or else still hadn't gotten home from the night before. She had schedules

pretty crazy.

Unlike the day before, I would not go to the offer, but to the hospital

school at the University of Chicago. Once I identified myself and explained the reason for being there, I was given instructions to find my doctor. the ready help was enormous and I got lost twice until I found the correct floor where

I would meet with Dr. Patterson.

He welcomed me once more with a friendly smile.

- So Kate, how did it go from yesterday to today? - He said while he made a sign for me to sit down in the consulting room.

- Well, no headaches actually. But I'm feeling some stitches at the moment.

- You see, I took the liberty of preparing some recipes. I would like to change some of your medications. We will give you quality

life, okay? So, this medicine here will inhibit the headaches a lot whenever you feel them. Let's keep the medications you're on taking at the moment that help to control the other symptoms, but let's just increase the dosage. I have some boxes here for you, they They are expensive so it relieves you a little.

- Thank you doctor.

- Now, I'll explain how the injections will work. they are painful and will make you nauseous and drowsy. Fever is uncommon, but it might happen. So don't despair if any of these symptoms appear after applications. The side effects only last for a few

hours and can bring extreme tiredness. The tumor will fight the drugs, but remember, you are stronger than him.

- I'll try to keep that in mind.

- Let's do an MRI and soon after you will take the first

injection dose, okay? It may be that today you just feel tired after dose, so you don't have to be scared.

He took me into the exam room and I braced myself to be paralyzed.

during the entire procedure. That tube could be quite claustrophobic.

Soon after, a nurse took me to the room where I would take the injection.

-Today is your first day, so I will apply it to you myself. He can unless I'm not here next time, so don't get used to it so much with the VIP treatment. - He said laughing, I laughed back. - Before let's start I wanted to say that I saw your MRI on the computer and I was

quite worried. We definitely don't have months to wait for surgery. I plan to book her for four weeks, five at the most, depending on how you are about the injections. unfortunately the

hospital policy is quite strict. I got your fry pork fund cent with the university, but the hospital needs you to pay for everything else

before surgery. It is a very risky procedure and the administration is inflexible.

- I'm already giving a way to arrange this. - I think I said that more for myself than for him.

- Very well, then let's do this at once. - He gave some palms in my hand and primed the IV in my arm. I closed my eyes the moment I saw the size of the needle in his hands. One bright yellow liquid glistened in the huge syringe. I continued with my eyes closed, imagining the beach I'd be lounging on in a while year without worrying about any tumor, just which one would be mine next drink, until the pain came and made it all impossible.