You never loved me

RAELYNN

My whole body went still as my eyes connected with his. Something passed between us and his eyes flickered for a moment. Both of us didn't move. The spark that was passing between us kept on burning. I was feeling things I never felt before. But I was looking at him and he was looking at me. And that's what mattered.

~ BEFORE ~

"ARE YOU UP?" My mom, being the most curious person I've ever seen, screamed at the top of her voice. I came down after freshening up a little still looking like a mess. She came to a halt but being the dramatic woman she was, she nearly fainted when she looked at me.

"What have you done to yourself? Sherri will be here any minute now and you are standing here?" I gave my mom an apologetic smile which she definitely did not buy. "Rae, go change please and for God's sake, put on some makeup."

"Ugh okay, call me if you need help," I started walking towards my mom's room for clothes because Sherri was a fashionista. She hated people wearing clothes that were baggy or not extra. And all I owned were clothes that were baggy or not extra.

Sherri had been my best friend since I was born. I always wanted to be her. Carefree, wild, out there and most importantly, she did what she wanted to. Her dreams were big. Like me. And we used to dream together. She never had me in any of her dreams.. which pretty much explained her moving away to LA after high school and cutting off all contacts with us.

She has been chasing her dreams ever since high school ended and a major role in her dreams was played by her filthy rich family. I couldn't do that because of obvious reasons. We weren't rich. Were they coming back to meet us? No. But they were coming back.

I lived in Portsmouth, a small town in New Hampshire, USA. It was a really pretty town. I loved it here but I didn't want to spend my whole life here. I put on a cute cardigan and a pair of black pants. After pulling up my hair into a ponytail, I finally drop the idea of putting on make-up. I walked back to the living room.

The bell rang and I started getting a weird sensation in my stomach. Mom opened the door and my dad entered the room. Behind him entered Mr & Mrs Davis and Sherri. I looked at her. She had changed so much, she was so pretty. With a radiant glow, curvier body and tanned skin, I had no words.

The two families talked a lot while I had an awkward silence with Sherri.

"Baby, why don't you and Raelynn go hang out for a bit?" Mrs Davis shifted her look to me smiling sweetly. Sherri looked at me.

"Let's go!" She said. We walked back to my room.

"Nostalgia is hitting me like a ton of bricks," she smiled looking around and then flopping down on my bed.

"You've changed so much!" I sat down in a chair.

"Yes, LA does that to you, you know."

Sherri wanted a lot from the world. I was curious, I wanted to know if she made it. "Los Angeles is beautiful, fast and elegant. You need more than just luck to not just be there but belong there. I've been living my life to the fullest. You sure have heard I'm working with Anna Winter, the editor of Vogue."

She sounded too happy not even realising how many years she has been neglecting me. She was doing a great job though.

"I'm happy for you Sherri. You will make your life even bigger than this," and a smile slipped on her face.

We talked and laughed so much just like in the old times when everything was easier. It felt like yesterday we were kids. But it was different. She was something now. And me? I was too afraid to be the one I wanted to be.

The next few days were amazing. We went on picnics, field trips, hung out, watched movies and everything. It was good. It's been a long time I've lived without friends. I loved her company and finally having someone with me.

But the last day, she got a phone call and she was stressing over it. The Davis family were really tense. Something might have happened. They were leaving for LA the next day. I had so much fun I hadn't had in years and now it was gonna become a distant memory.

Suddenly, Sherri barged into my room and held both of my hands.

"Come with us," she said. I was shocked.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You had big dreams. You wanted to go to LA too. You wanted to be the best fashion designer in the world," I was blank. I had no clue how to react to that. "Raelynn, don't overthink this. Come with us, only for 2 days and I'll show you what can you do to belong there. Listen to your heart just this once."

Sherri gave me a pleading look.

My dad had a disapproving look on his face. He looked at me and looked back to Mr Davis. And it was a long conversation.

Finally, dad agreed but he said, "just for 2 days." I was so overwhelmed in disbelief. I was finally going to live the life I wanted to, even if I had just 2 days.

I and Sherri spend the whole night packing, laughing and telling stories about all these years we missed. She was talking most of the time and that's when I realised how little I've lived all my life.

The next day, I hugged my mom and dad as I was leaving. The families bid their goodbyes as no one knew how many years they were not gonna see each other this time. My parents didn't have many friends except the Davis family and I knew how much they missed them.

We checked in at the airport. Sherri was happier than she was yesterday. We were still BFFs.

It took almost 6 hours for the flight to land and almost 6000 times my parents tried to check up on me. Soon we were in Los Angeles. My dreams. I always knew if I wanted something I wanted it here.

LA was so gorgeous. The people here were so glamorous and they made me feel out of breath.

Sherri's house was huge, beautiful. I lied down on the bed of the guest room assigned to me after freshening up. Slowly drifting to sleep.

I didn't think it had been that long I've been sleeping but once I open my eyes, I saw Sherri sitting at my feet on the bed. I sat up fast, shocked by her presence in the room.

"Sherri?" Sherri looked at me apologetically.

"Rae, please don't be mad," she asked. I kept staring at her, puzzled.

"I am going to tell you the real reason I brought you here. But you can't say no. After all, we are best friends...", She started. I was completely unaware of what she was going to say. I was panicking inside.

Putting it in another way, she was using me for something which will be good for her.

"Just tell me, let's see how bad it is.."

"You, Raelynn Taylor, are going to take my place. You have to accompany Anna Winter to an event, full of celebrities and people, looking the best you can, tomorrow..."

"You have to do it. Not just because I am requesting you to but also because I promised you that I'll show you how to make a decision. You'll do it. Not because of me. But...

For your dreams."

RAELYNN

THE NEXT DAY ~

After 2 hours or so, the beauticians told me I was ready and good to go. I turned to the mirror and my jaw dropped open with awe.

I've never looked this beautiful ever in my whole life. I didn't look like the usual me anymore, I looked like a woman, not a girl. I was dumbstruck, speechless.

My hair was tied in a tight bun with locks running down my cheeks and plain but classy makeup with red-tinted lips. I was wearing the most gorgeous deep red evening dress slit from the bottom which hugged my body giving it a perfect definition. I was given red stilettos to go with it.

I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I felt like all of my dreams were coming true. I turned around, flared the dress, and then flashed the biggest smile I could.

Sherri had asked me to take my place because she had an important business to cater to. I texted her as she was already gone.

The car came and I was asked to come down. Mrs Davis filled me in with the details. I looked at myself for one last time before facing my fears. A black shining limousine was standing right before me. The driver came out and opened the door for me. The car started moving.

I was assigned as Anna Winter's assistant for today. She would be arriving late so I needed to wait around for some time.

In no time, I found myself walking on the red carpet through huge crowds of journalists and others trying to pounce through the barricades they were behind. I was surprised at how confident I felt. I wouldn't deny the inner panic attacks but I did just fine.

People were clicking my pictures, telling me to look at them for the perfect shot without even knowing who I was. LA had to be a strange place. One minute you're a stranger and the other minute you get all the attention.

The event didn't start yet, but I was in the middle of so many celebrities looking so gorgeous and I... I needed air. I was not comfortable nor that confident about myself anymore. It's been some time and I needed a break to get hold of myself.

I was dying to go and start a conversation with the people around, click some pictures with them but instead I headed to the washroom. I felt dizzy.

As I was going to walk into the washroom, I noticed a small passage opposite the washroom. At the end of the passage, there was a little open door. Bright moonlight was pouring in from the door, which looked so attractive that I couldn't help myself but explore.

So I start walking through the passage and the door. It looked magical.. an empty garden with tall trees, bushes and flowers which glowed under the bright full moon above. It looked almost like a dense forest.

I was in front of a garden bench when I suddenly had the urge of doing something silly. I took off my stilettos because it hurt so much and I stepped into the soft grass. The soft strands of grass caressed my feet and I was relieved for the first time today.

I walked around for some time forgetting everything.

Suddenly, I heard something behind me. Like footsteps. I felt someone's presence behind me. I was too terrified to spin around and confront whoever was behind me but I couldn't even run away.

I shook my head and slowly turn around, my eyes planted to the ground. Then, looked up.

My heart skipped a beat and I almost couldn't breathe. A pair of gorgeous brown eyes sparkled in the moonlight. A man with a chiselled jaw and a tuxedo that couldn't hide his amazing body. Zayn.

Zayn Mitchell. The world-famous singer was standing right before me, looking at me. I was clueless.

I looked at him this time into his eyes.. and our eyes met. His expression was unpredictable. He looked like a dream as his eyes stared into mine, no one moved. Sparks ran all over my body making chills run down my spine. His eyes broke the contact and started lingering all over me, then he shook his head a little, squinting his eyebrows.

I didn't know how my expression was so rational but I got the hint. I was wandering out here all alone being a stranger and I might be looking suspicious. I gathered up all the courage I ever had and I took a deep breath that was almost audible.

"I... um... I am sorry, I was just..." Without completing the sentence, I took steps towards my shoes and tried wearing them, still shaking.

"It's okay," he said. His voice was something, it did something to me. I looked up at him. "You being here.. is okay."

I was not being able to make out what his tone meant nor did his words settle in. I shook my head down again, this time looking intensely at the grass below me trying to understand the situation. I heard a little rustle of the grass and what I saw was shocking.

Zayn was opening his shoes as he lifted his eyes to look at me. He stepped out of his shoes and started walking towards the bench looking at the sky above him. I couldn't help but notice how bright his eyes looked and how sad they were.

He took a moment to sit down on the bench leaning back. I was standing there, dumbfounded, trying to pinch myself back to reality. He turned his head slightly at me. I took the hint, took off my shoes and walked through the thin grass to the bench and sat down beside him leaving enough space between us.

We just sat there for minutes without saying a word.

"Who are you?" He broke the silence. Who am I?

"Oh um, sorry, I am Raelynn Taylor.. from New Hampshire. I've been assigned as Ms Anna Winter's assistant for this event only for..", I started but he cut me off.

"Who are you, Raelynn? Who are you in your mind?" He asked. Should I just leave, I asked myself. I had no clue what he was talking about nor what he wanted to get at. My name sounded so better when he said it.

Suddenly I wanted to know him, even better than anyone does. Who am I?

"I am a nobody," he looked at me with questionable eyes wanting me to elaborate or so I thought. "I am a coward. I have, for not even once in my life, lived for myself."

I.. didn't know why was I telling him that. I frowned and shook my head.

"Sorry..", I said because I didn't know what he wanted to know. But it looked like it was the answer to exactly what he was trying to know.

Zayn looked back up, to the moon and stars aligned miraculously.

"I know you. I've been you countless times." I looked at him, his eyes pouring out the pain he's been holding back. There was silence.

"What if there were no rules? What if none of our lives was more important than the others?" He said and frowned for a moment. I was speechless, he was opening up and every word he said had an alternate meaning.

"What if this whole universe loved us all equally?" I said, drifting my eyes back to the sky after gazing at him for a long time. This time, I could feel a pair of eyes scanning my face. Our eyes met again.

"Would you still be here if I wasn't who I am?" He asked. Something deep inside me was making me feel secure about him. I knew he was hurt by something as not everyone who smiled the brightest was the happiest.

"Yes..", I said. His eyes brightened up as I smiled a little, his eyes never leaving mine. We sat there talking, smiling and looking at each other. It was clearly beautiful.

I didn't know what was happening, nor what was tearing him apart.

Neither what I should do in a moment like this but all I knew was that I never felt this way ever before.

The connection between us was undeniable like it was something different. Something special. I felt the chills.

Suddenly a voice from behind broke my compulsion...

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"

RAELYNN

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" A man, voice full of authority, spoke from behind us. I nearly jumped up at his sudden appearance.

It was an aged man in a blue suit frowning at us. I didn't know who he was but as I looked back to Zayn sitting beside me, I noticed he wasn't even looking at him. I stood up knowing I shouldn't be in between whatever was going on between them. Zayn noticed me standing up to which he finally turned his head to the man.

"I don't understand your role here miss, it'd be better for you to return to the event", the man said. I assumed he was in a good post for ordering people around like that. He was right but I knew if I left Zayn now, I would leave him altogether.

The reality was starting to set in, I was going home tomorrow. Away from everything, away from everyone, away forever. I was scared that if I left now, I'd never see him again. I'd never know what his sorrows were nor what was tearing him apart. I was drawn to him.

But I was a quitter. I knew even if I wore a dress worth thousands and walk in between celebrities, I'd still be me, a loser.

"I am sorry," I started walking away towards the door as something struck me.

I looked back and found the same pair of brown eyes looking at me. As our eyes met, I searched his face.. and I swear when I looked back at Zayn, the corner of his lips turned just the tiniest bit into a smile or it was just my imagination but it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I walked out of their sight but not out of the situation. I kept in the shadows and peeked at them because I wanted to know what was going on. Zayn was still staring in the direction I disappeared when the man took a few steps forward.

"You owe me an explanation," the man said.

"I owe you nothing," Zayn replied. The man looked annoyed at his words.

"Of course you do. You've been holding up just fine because of me and if you don't follow what I tell you, you know the consequences," the man said. Zayn stood up to face him, his face looked angry.

"Whatever I've done in my life, I've done myself. I never needed anyone. I don't even need you," he walked up to the man and stood face to face with him.

The man's face fell, he shook his head down as Zayn stormed out using the path I pretended to use. I never knew things in his life were so intense. I always saw him, sang his songs out loud, thinking he was happy. Like he was content with his life. But not all that glitters was not gold.

I head straight for the washroom after enquiring if Ms Anna was here yet. They said she'll take another 15 minutes.

I entered the washroom turning towards the mirror. I was shocked that everything was intact. Hair, clothes, make-up, perfect.

Then I heard something. Someone was sobbing, a girl. I gasped a little with fear. Gathering all my courage, I knew I was in for another life-changing event. Gut feeling.

The voice was coming from the washroom in the corner. I headed towards it and then gently knocked once on the door. When there was no answer, I slightly pushed the door, it was open.

To my surprise, a girl, 4-5 years younger than me was sitting on the floor of the washroom crying. Her make-up was all over her face from crying. I freaked out thinking something might have happened to her.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" The girl looked up at me.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE," she said, annoyed.

"You can tell me. Trust me I'll help you out," I said. She opened and closed her mouth, this time she was less rude.

"What will you know, you're an outsider. Stay out of it!"

I should've left long back without having to deal with her but I wanted to help her.

"Look, I'm an outsider, you're right. And just because I'm an outsider, you can trust me, with your secret and not fear it being leaked or something if that's what you're afraid of."

The girl scanned my face for a few seconds then she started sitting up. I helped her and then joined her sitting face to face with her. She hesitated at first but then she started opening up.

"Shelly Peterson.. she's my mom. She wants me to make a speech in front of more than 1000 people." She said. "I can't face people, I'm too introverted to do these things. I don't want to do it... She never understands."

She started sobbing again. She reminded me of me in high school. I was just like that.

"You know what? I was like you when I was your age. I used to hide away when I should've stepped up. When I could have stolen the spotlight, I escaped. But life is all about facing your fears. And once you face them, they'll no longer be your fears. It is not about you dealing with this situation today, it's about you... walking out of this washroom, walking up the stage with your head held high, and just be yourself. So don't be so fussy about it, you weirdo."

The girl looked like she was getting my point but the last line cracked her up. She giggled to my relief and then nodded her head.

"Don't stress yourself, now come on, let's get you cleaned up," I helped her up and took her out to the huge mirror where she almost screamed looking at herself. I fixed her dress while she used the tissue papers for the face.

"Thank you. I'm Della though." The girl smiled.

"I'm Raelynn! Now go."

I run back just in time Ms Anna step out of her limousine and walked in. She recognised me then and there.

"Raelynn, pretty girl." I smiled at her compliment.

"Thank you so much, Ms Anna. They told me the event is starting, should we proceed?" I tried to sound as professional as possible. She smiled and nodded at me. As we were entering, I looked all around but I couldn't find the person I wanted to see. Where was he?

The event went on and it was awesome. I was having the best time of my life because watching these celebrities from so close was like a dream come true. I was sitting in the front row, speechless.

Della was amazing at her speech. She did so well. She spoke her mind, so confident and flawless that my eyes started filling with tears.

The event came to an end and I became restless. I kept looking around, distracted from whatever was going on, but he was nowhere to be found. Ms Anna was doing interviews, posing for pictures, talking to people and I was following her. When she was doing an interview, I sneaked around trying to find Zayn everywhere.

How can he just disappear?

Tomorrow I was turning into the same coward I was. But only this time I felt stronger. This time I felt confident like if I believed in myself, I could do it.

I was lost in my thoughts when a gentle tap on my shoulder woke me up. I turned around to find a woman standing there smiling sweetly at me. She was a brunette, in her 40s and gorgeous.

"Hi, you must be Raelynn," the woman said. How does she know my name?

"Yes, it's Raelynn."

"I'm Shelly Peterson, Della's mother," the woman's words made me remember her instantly. Della told me about her mother.

"Oh Mrs Peterson, Della told me about you, we actually met-," she cut me off.

"I know what happened and that's why I'm here. Thank you so much Raelynn. It is all because of you, my daughter was able to give the speech and also excel in it. I never even expected she'd be so amazing at putting herself out there." She said and I smile at her. I'm just so happy for Della that she did face her fears.

"Please don't say thank you. Della is a great girl." Shelly held my hands and looked at me.

"Thank you isn't enough for what you did, I cannot force you into accepting something from my side but..," she dug through her purse, "..here's my card. Please call me if you ever need anything, any help at all. I'll be waiting for your call." She looked at me expectantly so I took her card politely.

The rest of the night went equally nice. I met Della and congratulated her. Met some people with Ms Anna. Posed for some photos.

And then... I ran into him again. I accidentally bumped into a man near me.

"S-sorry," I looked up to see Zayn's unpredictable gaze on me. He stared at me for a few seconds and then leaned into me.

"You apologize too much, Raelynn Taylor," he smirked a little and then he disappeared just like the wind.

I wanted to meet him. Because I was leaving tomorrow. Maybe forever. Even if I'd never had such a chance again, I wanted to do all I could to find him again.

~

Before I knew it, I was waving goodbye at Sherri, the city and the night that changed my life. I was flying back home with a deep feeling in my heart. But more of determination.

If fate didn't land me into my dreams, I'd make a way.