You, Always

The late evening sun cast the world in an amber glow, its rays penetrated in small patches through the leaves of the weeping willow tree I was standing under. Casting unusual shadows on the grass before my feet. This area of the land seemed to have been forgotten about, as the grass that surrounded the base of the tree, was almost knee-high. The tips of the blades of grass were sharp, and dry, feeling as though they were millions of tiny needles piercing my skin as I moved to our special location. Our meeting point.

Where we had always started our private rendezvous.

The halfway point between our houses.

I was always the first one here. So eager to see her brilliant blue eyes sparkle as she would smile at the sight of me waiting for her. Her plump juicy lips were so delectable, so alluring, I could not refrain from kissing her as my introductory greeting. I always admired how she would walk towards me, through the shadow of the tree, so elegant, so poised, more suited for a catwalk or a red carpet event, than to meet me for our taboo meetings.

Our love is forbidden.

This time, however, she would not come. I would not get the delight of holding her in my arms, or of feeling the softness of her hands clasped in mine. Nor would I get to bask in the warm glow that her energy emitted from every pore in her body, the sense of welcoming, acceptance, of belonging.

Never would I get to share my thoughts, or make plans for our future, with her again.

For she will never meet me here again.

She would never be able to meet me here again.

I had come here today to think, to clear my mind. Trying to erase all of the negative thoughts from my mind, instead trying to focus on the positives.

But that was a hard stretch. There wasn't much positive in my life without her in it.

"Daddy, for you" she offered me a handful of wild daisies, plucked from the patch of them that was beside us, they had grown tall enough for her to reach them in her stroller.

"Thank you, princess, they are beautiful" I smiled taking them from her proffered hand.

Seeing her grin this beautifully, cute smile, her mouth exposing the few teeth she had, her little cherub cheeks dimpled as she beamed brilliantly.

She was so much like her mother, it hurt to look at her for too long; my heart would break every time she made a face or gave me a look that would impersonate her, that would remind me of her. She donned the same shade of chocolate brown hair and the same azure blue eyes that had captured my heart from the very moment she opened them.

There were two traits that she seemed to have inherited from me; or at least the only two traits that had so far developed in the two years of her existence: her dimples, and her stubbornness.

My darling daughter, our sweet, innocent princess; Skye, was the only thing that was good in my life. The only thing that I had to hold onto from her mother. As bittersweet as her resemblance to Caitlin was, it was all that got me through each day.

She was my saviour, the one who prevented me from wanting to join her mother. In a world so far away, that no living, breathing human could ever go.

A place I had envisioned to be paradise, built for the gods, the tranquillity of the afterlife, of spending eternity called to me often. The urge, the want, the longing to see her, to hold her, to spend forever with her as we had once promised to do so.

But this small creature before me needed her. She was all I had left of our perfect union. Unfortunately for Skye, she would never have any memories of her mother. Nothing to hold on to that would be a reminder of her.

Other than me.

She would never grow up knowing the amazing, strong, intellectual person her mum had once been. Never would she be able to recall her face from her memories, only knowing of her mum through my recollection of memories, only recognising who she was through the many photos of her that were displayed in our home. She had been robbed of the mother she would need one day, whom I know she would grow up to resemble even more than she did now.

That was all I had to look forward to, to aspire to; to be the best father possible to this angel Caitlin and I had created. My life's mission is to help support her, to guide her through life, and to ensure she had one of the happiest and most fulfilled life as possible.

The only reason I had to live for was her. My life's sole purpose was to love and protect her until my last breath.

I stared at these daisies gifted to me for a while in silence, as Skye drifted off into an easy, carefree slumber. It's funny how such a small thing could bring back such vivid memories from years ago, feeling as though it had only happened yesterday.

The memory brought tears to my eyes, and an ache in my heart, remembering every minuscule detail from that day. Picturing her as if she was standing before me now.

This memory in particular was one of my most cherished memories. There were so many that I now held onto, refusing to let her go, to disappear as if she never existed. As if she never graced my life with her presence. This memory in particular had led to a chain of events that had changed my life forever.

** [Flashback] **

She looked beautiful laid there on her back; her brown hair fanned around her head, weaving in and out of the luscious green grass, tickling her face like feathers soufflés sly kissing her soft, delicate skin. Surrounding her were brilliant white wild daisies, with the middles so vibrantly yellow, they looked like hundreds of suns orbiting her.

Even in the shadow of our willow tree, I could see her cheeks were still flushed red, the usual occupancy after our passionate lovemaking, along with her shimmering bright blue eyes, her skin glistening with sweat, the corners of her mouth turned upwards into that sexy satisfied grin of hers.

Even after being together, against all odds for five years, I still could not get over the beauty of her. As I often found myself staring at her, admiring all the little details, from every scar or mole that blemished her otherwise flawless skin, she saw as imperfections, I saw as beauty marks. Indicators of her individuality.

Despite all these years of studying her, she sometimes would give me a look I had not seen before, or spot something about her I had never noticed before, each time making mental notes, savouring them, learning from them.

I zipped away my member, as she pulled up her lacy underwear so that we could both just lay here, basking in the sun as well as in the mutual atmosphere of contented happiness between us.

We watched as bees buzzed unfazed by our presence from one daisy to another, getting their work done swiftly and effectively, and watched as the rays of the sun peeped through the gaps of the branches and leaves of the willow tree.

She turned onto her side, her elbow propping her up as she faced me. "I love you, Carter," she said, with such fondness and love in her voice, I couldn't help but draw her face closer to mine using only the softest touch of my fingertips under her chin, bringing her in for a kiss.

"I don't think you will ever truly know how much I love you" she whispered, her breath hot against my lips, as her words drifted like a favourite symphony playing into my ears.

"I do kitten" I responded, giving her a playful kiss on the tip of her nose, "because I love you more" She kissed me with such a passion that I knew the time had come, that we were ready to take the next serious step of our relationship, now that we lived together, it seemed only right to commemorate our love, documenting it in legal scripture.

Her eyebrows knitted together as she looked at me quizzically, "You look so lost in thought, my lion, tell me what are you thinking about?" She asked, her voice barely a whisper.

I ran my fingers along the side of her face, traipsing down her exposed arm that protruded from her pale blue cap-sleeve T-shirt.

"Kit, you make me so happy, you are everything that I could ever want, that I could ever need." I told her, my eyes never leaving hers, "I was thinking about us, about our future. How I can't imagine wanting to grow old with anyone else but you."

She blinked slowly, her cheeks blushing once more, "when I look into your eyes, I see the future that I want us to share. An eternity by each others' side, a family of our own. You complete me, like the last piece of the puzzle."

I took a deep breath, gaging her reaction before continuing with the speech I had been practising and perfecting for the past few weeks, "I have wanted to ask you something for some time, as I know you are the only one for me, the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with."

I reached into the pocket of my leather jacket, my fingers enclosing around the small velvet box, opening it and offering it to her, "It's not anything big or flashy, and I know you deserve a much better ring." I paused, trying to steady my nervous heart. "I wish that I was someone who could buy you something much better, someone who would buy you the world and treat you to lots of fancy things." I paused again as I saw her eyebrows furrowed deeper, her teeth biting her bottom lip. My heart was racing, barely able to contain it in my chest.

"What I do know is that I can give you all of me, can give you the promise to be loyal and faithful to you, to love and cherish you until my dying breath" I could see tears welling in her eyes as I spoke, as I opened the box to show her the ring inside. "'Caitlin, I am already the happiest, luckiest man alive, to have you for myself, but I want you. Always you. Only you, for the rest of my life." I cleared my throat, feeling it become dry and scratchy as I held back my emotions. "Please will you do me the greatest honour of marrying me? Of becoming my wife?"

***

Tears sprung from her eyes as she stared at the modest ring, that sat in the Box. A plain white gold rip and, with a small diamond affixed to the external surface of the ring. I knew she deserved bigger and better things, more than the humble offerings I could give her.

"Yes, Carter!" She cried as we both sat upright, her grin flashing her white teeth, holding out her hand for me to slide it onto her finger. My heart was pounding, my hands shaking as I slid it along, thanking my lucky stars that I had managed to get her ring size correct.

"It's beautiful Carter" she said, holding her outstretched hand before her. The sunlight caught the multifaceted diamond, glittering on her finger like a mini disco. "It's perfect" she beamed, before pulling me into her embrace. "I love you so much!"

"I know you deserve better than me, better than what I can give you " I mumbled into her shoulder.

She pulled away from me suddenly. "Carter, I don't want anyone else. How much money someone has doesn't interest me" she sighed, her eyes studying my face, her hands interlinked with mine, "Money doesn't buy happiness, Carter, it cannot buy love like ours" She let go of my hand to admire the ring again, her smile lighting up her face.

"Carter, this ring is perfect, because it was chosen by you" she said, her words breathless, her eyes flicking from the ring to my face. "It was chosen out of love, with the intent to make the biggest commitment anyone could make to another person. The sacrifice of their freedom, to devote the rest of their lives just loving that one person."

She held my face in her hands, "I couldn't think of anyone else I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you, Carter. Always, and only, you."

There was a knock on the front door, "I'll get it" I called to no one in particular, my dad was nearly always in a drunken stupor and my older brother was in his room, his music blaring down the stairs from behind his shut bedroom door. I was expecting Lucie to come over, we had a test in history class tomorrow so she was coming over to revise, although I wasn't sure exactly how much revising we would get done, knowing that she would use her wicked ways to distract me. It's kind of hard to keep for me to stay focused, when she puts her hands, or her face, between my thighs.

"Hey!" I greeted cheerily as I opened the door, "Are you ready to oh...it's you" My eyes did a quick sweep over the person at the door, it certainly wasn't Lucie.

"Uh your brother said to come over" he shrugged, his hand sweeping through his black hair. On anyone else this hairstyle probably would have looked silly, his long black hair was typically tied back in to a man bun, but he had let it all fall out, mesmerisingly due to the heavy rain outside.

Not many could pull it off like he was able to, effortlessly and cool. It added to the bad boy vibes he radiated these days, but it was evident that no hairstyle could withstand being crushed under z motorbike helmet. Nor the never-ending torrent of rain that lashed down outside, causing his hair to flatten against his forehead.

He looked at me puzzled, "he is home, yeah?"

I nodded, cursing myself silently for staring at him, whilst he stood on the doorstep getting soaking wet. I moved aside so he could come in.

Carter Thomas.

The Carter Thomas.

Only the most popular person in our school, with both the students and the teachers. Forever getting into trouble, detention was his second home, but he held a certain charm, this charisma that all the girls, even the female teachers seemed to find irresistible.

He was a million miles away from when I had first met him, the very first time Jack had brought him home after their rugby practice. This tall scrawny boy with short military-style hair, wearing the same muddy clothes that he had been training in.

Now he was a 'bad boy' styling the same black t-shirt, blue jeans and leather jacket combo, tight around his chest and arms that teased just enough of his muscular physique to show he was now buff but still left some room for your imagination. He held this mystical aura as if he knew more than he would ever let on, his eyes could pierce you, making you feel naked and exposed.

My friends were jealous that he was almost always at my house, Darcy especially, her crush on him that had slammed the last few years had not gone unnoticed by myself, nor him. Despite being the boy who all the girls swooned over, whom all the boys wanted to be, deep down once you pulled away the macho exterior, unsheathed the layers of the devil-may-care facade that he donned so expertly, he was a genuinely nice guy.

Back in our childhood days Jack and Carter would allow me to hang out with them, climbing trees, making dens, playing football and hanging around in the park, especially because I didn't have any friends of my own.

Losing my mother at the young age of five, I hadn't developed the whole 'feminine' thing, so trying to make friends had been difficult for me, I didn't have dolls, or typical girly toys, and my father couldn't afford it, instead having whatever toys my brother hadn't broken to play with, such as army men, action figures, some cars and a garage. I didn't mind, looking back now I think it brought out a different side to me, an adventurous, don't mind getting my hands dirty attitude. This prompted me to get into the mechanic industry, fascinated by the workings of the engines, what made them run and helping my father repair his best-up, twenty-year-old truck that now sat idle on the drive.

I shoved my hands in my pockets after I shut the door behind him. I had always opted for baggy, boyish clothes rather than the latest fashion, my face completely natural, my hair tied back in a messy ponytail rather than spending ages styling it and applying makeup. I knew I was the complete opposite of all the girls who would throw themselves at him, but that was fine. I didn't need to impress him, after all, he was here for my brother's company, not mine.

"You ok Kit?" He asked me, a small smile on his face.

Kit was a nickname he and my brother had penned for me, rather than calling me Caitlin, as that was such a girly, feminine name, and I was far from that. They started calling me it after they both chipped in for my birthday one year and got me my first mechanics kit, laughing at me as I spent hours making up model cars that had real working motors. It had stuck, e erroneous know knew me as Kit. The only person who still called me my real name, Caitlin, was my father, and that was only when he was sober enough to recognise me as his daughter, and not his long-deceased wife, Evelyn, my mom.

I stood there, fascinated by the beads of water that formed on the edges of his fringe, watching as they grew too heavy to defy gravity any longer, watching them fall, trickling along his face to finally land on that chiselled chest of his, that his sodden T-shirt clung to.

"Yeh," I told him, tightening my ponytail, something of a nervous reaction for me. "Just waiting for Lucie, we have got some revision to do"

"Hmmm," he winked, his smile turning more into a smirk. "How's your dad?"

I shrugged, casting my gaze on the floor. "The usual...crashed out on the sofa"

His face grew serious, "Kit, you are ok, yeah?" He took a step towards me "He hasn't, you know, been violent or anything towards you?"

If only you knew. I thought if only you knew the full extent of what he is capable of doing.

"I'm fine," I said as I tried to put on a happy voice, "thankfully he's been asleep pretty much since I got home from work" I was about to give him my best, fakest smile when I suddenly felt his arms wrap around me, embracing me in a bear hug. The firmness of his chest hit me like a wall, feeling the heat that radiated from his body despite his soaked clothing. "Kit. I mean it if he gets like that ever again..." I felt him tighten his grip on me. "You are like my sister too, Kit, I won't have him try to use you as a punching bag... like before"

"Kit!" Jack shouted down the stairs, "Carter here yet?" He released me from his grasp, ruffling my hair, pulling loose strands out from my ponytail, knowing that it annoyed me. I held my breath at his touch. "catch you later, Kit" as said, before effortlessly bounding up the stairs, the sounds of their conversation floated down the stairs.

Only when he was out of sight did I allow myself to exhale. I could see how attractive he was, I could understand why practically every girl had a crush on him, including myself, though I would never admit thst he has this affect on me, my feelings for him had developed somewhat over the years, the change in his character, the change in his appearance. I had no choice but to act as though he didn't affect me in thst way, continue under the pretence thst I only saw him as another older brother. To him I would always be the dorky, loner, kid sister of his best friend. There was no point in kidding myself. I hadn't been friend-zoned but more like sibling-zoned, something he had made crystal clear over the past year.

Throughout the entirety of knowing him, they had both protected me, as older brothers did. I had much to thank them both for, they both helped raise me, especially in areas where my father failed, without either of them I probably would have ended up in the system or a fate much worse than that.

He had been there when my dad had staring hitting me, pushing me around in one of his violent drunken rages, calling me a queer and a disgrace when he read one of my messages to Lucie over my shoulder. In all honesty, I didn't care about the name calling, but it was when he became violent was when my father scared me the most. That and when he got me confused with my deceased mother.

It had been Carter who was the first one to discover the physical abuse my father inflicted upon me, just under eight months ago he had accidentally walked in on my father in the act.

He had taken out his rage on me for running out of beer, even know I still wasn't old enough to buy it. He was pinning me against the wall with his hand around my throat, lifting me up so I couldn't touch the floor, slowly suffocating, almost at the point of passing out when he had let himself into the house, as he always did, unannounced, here to see my brother.

His instant reaction was to yank him away from me, punching him square in the jaw, causing him to stagger backwards. At that moment he had been my saviour, but I knew that his involvement, Carter's intervention, would only make it worse for me later on. Carter had been fuming, but he wasn't aware that this had not been the first time, or was it the worst thing he had ever done to me.

That had been almost a year ago, not long after my seventeenth birthday, and ever since Carter had looked at me differently, as if I was some chins doll, so fragile that he was worried I would break. Now I was counting down the days until I was eighteen, hoping that I had saved enough money to get away from it all, Lucie and I had spoken about our plans, snout uni. She wanted the social side, the nightlife, wanting to pursue her career ambitions, whereas I simply couldn't wait just to get away from here. To go to a university as far away as possible.

I sat down at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, grateful that my dad was asleep and Lucie was not here yet. My mind was working in overdrive, trying to make sense of the confusing thoughts in my head. All of them about Carter-freaking-Thomas who essentially standing before me.

Why did I still feel butterflies in my stomach?

Why did my insides still melt when he had held me in his arms?

Since when had I allowed myself to cave into seeing him in this different light, to see him no longer as a brother figure?

I had fought against my crush on him, with my attraction towards him since the age of sixteen, when I had truly noticed the change in him. But I was always able to handle it, to control it around him. Why has my resolve dissipated recently?

Over the past few weeks I had noticed myself thinking about him more; his body, his face, his gorgeous green eyes, becoming a bit more awkward around him than I ever had been before. More conscious of myself whenever he was around, feeling unnatural, out of place, unable to have the easy conversations with him.

Something from that day when he learned of my father's violent tendencies towards me, the way he had comforted me afterwards, had flicked a switch in my brain, had made it more difficult to contain my attraction to him, forever altering the way I saw him. The way I acted around him. As well as the way he acted around me.

Sometimes I found myself overloaded with arousal, touching myself whilst thinking about him, fantasising out him. I had become like every other girl when it came to him, I had become one of the girls Lucie and I would secretly mock, but it was wrong, taboo almost, considering our bond, our closeness was like that of siblings.

What made it worse was the constant feeling of being ashamed, of being confused whenever he was nearby. Despite having a girlfriend for almost a year, I still harboured this compelling attraction towards him. Something I had hoped would have dissolved after being in a relationship for so long, knowing that he would never see me in the same way. Thst he would never see me in the wash thst Lucie did, as attractive, as sexy, as girlfriend material.

I found out that I was attracted to women at the age of sixteen, when I accidentally stumbled upon a porn website on my brother's laptop. It had made me hot, aroused, watching two girls be intimate with one another, finding my own hands touching myself as I watched them on the screen. Inside feeling disgusted either myself, trying to deny these feelings by having boyfriends.

But I couldn't bring myself to go any further than making-out with any of them, the odd fumble of my breasts over my clothing, whilst secretly wishing that I had the bollocks to do this with a girl, which was why my attraction to Carter didn't make any sense.

I probably would have never accepted the fact that I was a lesbian, always keeping my sexual preference a secret, until I met Lucie. The new girl in college, moving here from France with her aunt and uncle, she too was also in the final year of college. In almost all of my classes too.

The instant my eyes had laid upon her I felt a tingling sensation throughout my body, my core throbbed as I took in her beauty, knowing that she was the most gorgeous girl I had ever met, knowing that if I was to ever be with a girl, I wanted it to be her.

Curvy in all the right places, a teeny tiny waist, where her naturally blonde wavy locks stopped. She had the cutest heart-shaped face with big blue doe-eyes, and plump juicy lips. The sight of her instantly turned me on, I needed her, wanted her, more than I ever had any of my previous boyfriends. Arousing me more than the secret girl-on-girl videos I watched when no one else was at home, watching the videos my brother had watched previously, not to garner any suspicion.

We instantly become friends, we had a lot in common; a broken and disorderly home, her mother was a recovering drug addict, her father left when she was a baby. She had trusted me with this knowledge after the first week of being friends, whilst explaining that her aunt was a British, and they decided coming back here would be in Lucie's best interests.

We were were interested in the same things, music, art, films, as well as secretly being attracted to women, something she had let slip one day after college, I trusted her Enough to confide in my own secret attraction to women, to her. We instantly clicked and had been inseparable ever since.

Despite only coming out as a couple six months ago, our fondling and secret encounters had been going on for the best part of a year. We both were each others 'firsts' for a lot of things, the thrill and excitement of exploring and trying new things together. Learning many ways in which we could pleasure each other.

Being seventeen, fast approaching eighteen, I knew this relationship might not last, but it had become more serious over the past few months, as college was bringing to draw to a close. Discussing our future together; talking through what we both wanted, choosing our university options so that hopefully we may be able to attend the same ones, but still living in the here and know, enjoying her body and her companionship, in case our plans didn't work out.

It was nice to feel wanted, to feel loved, to have a feminine figure in my life, whom I could share the burdens of being a female with. Someone who actually understood how painful periods are, and the need for chocolate and ice cream around that time of the month. But aside from all of that, it was just nice to no longer hide my feelings for her, or of the same sex any longer.

She had broadened my horizons, in more ways than one, so she would always hold a special place in my heart. So these recently unearthed feelings for him, for Carter, made me feel guilty, made me feel shame and self-loathing. They were a betrayal to her, and to our relationship.

Even though I knew nothing would ever happen with him, I still wanted something to happen, and that was just as bad in my eyes.

***

My phone vibrated loudly on the countertop, startling me from my little reverie, losing my track of thoughts.

Lucie: mom is in the hospital, overdose. Gone back home 4 a few days 2 c her. Sorry! Miss u pookie! I will make it up 2! Luv u xx

I sighed, knowing I needed her company, or only because I wanted to see her, but because she was a very good, enjoyable way to distract myself from thinking or feeling anything about Carter. but as I thought that I felt like shit, being so selfish to use her like that. Knowing she had been going through Hell these past few months, as her mother's addiction had spiralled out of control.

Needless to say this was not the first time her mother had gone too far, but sadly I knew thst one of these days it would be the last time. I messaged her back.

Kit: oh no, Lulu! I hope she will be ok! hope u r ok 2? Call me l8r if u want 2 talk. Luv u 2 xx

I heard the thundering of their footsteps coming down the stairs, like a pair of elephants the both of them, I winced, hoping that they didn't wake my dad up. I really didn't to deal with him right now.

"Kit, we are going out" Jack said, as they entered the kitchen. I glanced up at them from my phone. They were both dressed to impress; Carter had swapped his black T-shirt and trainers for a black shirt with most of the top buttons undone, revealing a sneak peek at his muscular and hairless chest and a pair of black shiny shoes. Whilst my brother donned a white shirt, blue jeans and a pair of brown brogues.

I found myself staring at him for too long, blushing when he had clocked me eyeing him up and down, grateful he didn't broach the subject. My brother had forgotten his mobile in his room, running back up to retrieve it without a word as the faint sound of his ringtone drifted down the stairs. The atmosphere changed in the room between us as soon as my brother had left, a charged energy as we just stared at each other.

"Are you going to be ok here?" He asked, stepping closer to me, his hand placed on my shoulder. I could feel the heat coming through his hand penetrate the baggy t-shirt i had on. "it's a shame you're not old enough to come with us." He sighed.

I forced a smile and a nod "you wouldn't want me there, cramping your style as you hit on all the girls" I retorted, trying to keep a jokey tone to my voice, but my words fell flat between us.Sounding every bit as bitter and jealous as I felt inside.

Angry with myself for feeling this way at the thought of him giving some other girl the attention that I wanted from him, kissing and touching them in the ways I wanted him to do to me. He had a reputation as a player, and I was disgusted with myself for wanting to become another notch on his bedpost.

He eyed me quizzically, the handsome way where only his left eyebrow would raise. "You scrub up well" I jested, managing to mask my feelings once again, whilst ignoring the text message that came through from Lucie.

"Thanks" he murmured, a little bashful. "When you turn eighteen, I will take you clubbing. Show you that it doesn't always need to be about pulling women" he chucked, showing off his straight white teeth. "Plus it'll be easier to keep you out of trouble." He winked.

"Me, get into trouble? Never" I laughed, feeling my jealousy ebb away a little.

"You attract trouble" he murmured, his face donned a solemn look, his eyes bore into mine intensely. He stayed quiet for a few moments, before his face softened a little "I don't really want to go, knowing you will be here on your own... with him" he tilted his head towards the living room, gesturing my dad. "But as you know your brother can be quite persistent and pushy!" He chuckled lightly, "more so than you, Kit, aka little miss bossy boots!"

I gave him a playful nudge, feeling his hand fall away from my shoulder. Instantly I regretted doing it, enjoying his touch. The spot on my shoulder now feeling cold where his hand had been. Missing him already.

"It's fine, honestly, he could do with cheering up" I replied, not looking at him, rather finding a part of the wall behind him to stare at. "Especially after the messy way things ended with him and Kaylee, he needs it" I said, recalling the disgusting way he had caught Kaylee cheating on him. The darkness in his mood, the bitterness in his voice ever since. I couldn't help but imagine Lucie's reaction if she ever learned of my feelings towards Carter.

He placed his hand on top oown, his touch sent shivers through my body, along my spine, Causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end. "Are you sure you will be ok with him alone? Well at least until Lucie gets here?" he asked, his eyes bore into mine. I couldn't tell him that Lucie wasn't coming over, I knew that he would either cancel their plans or cut them short.

I didn't trust my voice to speak, I really didn't want to be home alone with him at all, especially overnight. But I nodded my head despite this, I wasn't going to ruin their night.

"Ok, taxi is outside, dads still asleep, there's twenty quid on my dresser, use that to get something to eat" Jack said as he entered the kitchen, sounding more like a father than only two years my senior.

I slid my hand out from underneath Cartier's quickly before my brother noticed. "Thanks. But I can get it myself, I do have my own money" I told him, getting to my feet.

"Kit, I insist." He said, "I just forgot for bring it down." He rubbed the back of his neck. "What time is Lucie coming over"

"Um, well, anytime now" I lied, my stammer giving me away.

His eyebrow raised, I caught the skeptical look Carter threw my way. "She is definitely still coming over?" Jack asked, his eyes full of worry. He had been distraught, unable to forgive himself for not being aware of the violent assaults our dad inflicted upon me. Disbelieving his own best friend when Carter had told him, against my request not to, only after the bruising came up on my neck the next day did he believe him. Ever since he has been too overprotective of me, not allowing me to stay here or go anywhere on my own.

"Yes! Just go already!" I told him, making a mental note 'to try and improve my lying technique. "Go the pair of you, have a good time" I added as I opened the door for them, they both gave me a look, but walked out through the open door. Their cologne filled my nostrils as they walked past.

I easily picked out his scent, the compelling and alluring sandalwood and vanilla, the same fragrance he always wore. I shut and locked the door behind him.

I called up the pizza restaurant and placed my order, before going upstairs to retrieve the money.

The waft of their cologne hit my nose as soon as I opened it, thankfully it was much better than the mix of stale sweat and marijuana that it usually smelt of in Jack's bedroom.

Carter's discarded T-shirt and lest her jacket were in a heap on Jack"s dresser, next to the promised twenty pound note. I wasn't sure what compelled me, what had taken over me, but the next thing I knew I was inhaling his scent, his T-shirt pressed up against my nose. Horrified by my actions I quickly put it back, snatching the note from the dresser along with his rolled up joint he had left for me on top of it.

I returned to the kitchen, before sparking it in, inhaling deeply until my lungs felt like they were going to burst, allowing the weed to numb my thoughts, trying to forget about him for a while. Thankful for the almost instant mellowed calm that it gave me.

I didn't need to worry about tsmell, my fath was too drunk to notice or care. I would be very surprised if he could smell anything past his own repugnant stench of his own grime, as stale sweat and alcohol oozed from his pores. Besides, he would be a fine one to reprimand us, when it was him who got Carter into weed in the first place. Father of year, I think not.

I enjoyed the occasional joint, here and there, unlike my brother who smoked it religiously. I just needed a hit every now and again, needing the buzz to get me through some of my most trialling times, to erase some dark thoughts at times. I took another drag of the joint, exhaling slowly, watching the smoke below around me. Relishing in the giddying and strong aroma, which matched the tangy after taste in my mouth.

It didn't take long for the pizza to arrive, which I demolished quickly, given the sudden intense hunger, or the 'munchies' as it was commonly referred to, in the wake of finishing the joint.

I glanced up at the clock, realising it had been almost two hours since I ignored Lucie's text.

I quickly I locked my phone and read it.

20:05 - Lucie: she isn't in a good way pookie, they warned me it mayb 2 l8 2 help her this time. here 4 the Nite so won't be able 2 call u l8r. I 'll def call u 2moz! Wish u were here pookie ! Need ur hugs rite now xx

20:15 - Lucie: I love u xx

21:00 - Lucie: plz don't ignore me, u r all I have good rite now x x

21:55 - Lucie: ???

I quickly sent her a reply, feeling awful that I had missed all of these texts.

22:10 - kit: I'm so sorry Lulu! My mob was still on silent 4m work so only just got this. Sorry 2 hear bout ur mum, I hope it's not 2 l8 4 her. Call me when u get chance, but no that I'm here 4 u xx

22:13 kit; I love u 2 BTW x x

My heart sank, I felt awful, she was going through so much and I hadn't been bothered to respond to her first one, instead choosing Carter's attention over her text message. I fired another text to Jack, not anticipating the flurry of texts that would follow.

22:15 - kit: where is ur stash? I need 1 more plz

22:15 - Jack: top drawer of dresser, just 1more tho.

22:15 - Jack: it's strong shit.

22:16 - Carter: don't do it. It's 2 much 4 u 2 handle

22:17- Carter: Lucie there yet?

22:17 - Carter: I didn't think she wanted u 2 smoke that shit n e more?

22:18 - Jack: make sure u put it all back in the DDD.

22:18 - Jack: don't w8 up 4 us either.

22:29 - Carter: ???

My blood was boiling in anger, who the fuck does Carter think he is? I can do what I fucking want. I quickly typed back to Jack

22:20 - Kit: Thx, will do.

And another to Carter:

22:21- Kit: u r not my dad, I am not a kid. I can handle more shit than u will ever no.

I slipped my phone in my pocket, grabbing my dad's antidepressants out of the cupboard. Taking in a small glass of water to him, unbeknown to him I had slipped a dissolvable sleeping pill in the water so he shouldn't bother with me tonight. Feeling guilty for drugging him, but it was necessary measurement I wanted to get through a night without him trying to force himself on me.

As I entered the lounge I realised why I never came in here much. Beer cans and bottles littered the coffee table, and the floor beside it. The room stank of sweat, spilled, stale beer and the Rome ants of whatever concoction he made himself for lunch. This mess was just one days worth, I tidied up behind him most evenings, but not tonight. I wanted to have a nice relaxing bath, smoke another joint and sleep easy in the knowledge he would be passed out down here. It was difficult having an alcoholic for a father, too drunk to hold down a job, too even do simple tasks for himself, so I had found myself at the age of sixteen becoming his career, forced into working a job after college ever evening and weekend to help pay the bills and put food on the table.

Don't get me wrong, Jack helped, a lot, he had sacrificed a lot over the years and had financially kept us afloat for many years with his shady business, in the drug trade. A small time dealer, not something I would condone but we needed the money and it paid more than any regular job, not that he could hold one down if he was stoned all the time.

My dad stirred on the sofa recognising another person in the room with him. "Who dere?' He asked without opening his eyes, his voice hoarse and angry.

"Dad it's me, Caitlin, you're daughter" I spoke quietly, timid. Truth be told he scared me, his mood swings so sudden and erratic, it made his movements unpredictable, gave me no time to prepare my counter actions, resulting in the impulsive fight or flight response. "I've got your meds' I told him, making space on the table for his water, and pills.

With slits for eyes he grabbed them, throwing them to the back of his mouth, picking up the glass to swill them down. Without warning he launched the glass across the room, shattering on impact with the opposing wall. "Wha fook iz dis? Gimme a fookin beer, stoopid beetch!" he slurred.

There was a time where this would have upset me, but now I had grown hardened to his insults, almost desensitised to his violent actions. I would have tried to argue, to protest that he had drank enough, but now, I was deflated, knowing it wasn't worth it.

I had already accepted that my interference wasn't going to change anything. I had to live with the affirmation that his fate would be to drink himself to his grave. A sinister part of me hoped it would be sooner rather than later, before the other part of me felt sickened at the thought of wishing ill against him, wanting him to be dead, instead of my mother..

Sighing at the knowledge that he wasn't going to change his mind, I fetched him his can of beer from the fridge. The fridge was full of bottles and cans of beer, far more alcohol than food inside. Anger coursed through me, it seemed that keeping his beverages ice cold was more important than feeding his family. I slammed the door shut, managing to slip a sleeping pill inside the opening, hoping that he may actually drink enough of this for the sleeping medication to work.

***