Wretched Self

Why do life sucks?

Life is wretched. And I hate it so much. All I want is to have a simple and happy life. But to my jinx, what happened was the opposite.

I want to smile, laugh, show everyone my greatest beam, but I just can't.

I'm suffering. Everytime, everywhere. I have no companion but only my family. How I wish they would not leave me.

I don't understand why people loathe me so much. I only know that I am what I am. I know to myself what myself is. I only know myself and not them.

"Leave this family! We don't need you! " My mother yelled straight at my face. I closed my eyes tightly and felt the pool of my tears that was starting to form around my eyes.

I wiped them away when they gave up. I sobbed to stop myself from crying again and again. My hands turned into fists harshly and I looked away to avoid my mother's raging eyes.

My father and siblings were just sitting beside us. Crying while looking at us. My older sister, Faye, covered Cine's ears so she could not hear my mother's rants.

"Go to your room!" mother told them to obey immediately. "You go outside and leave us!"

"M-Mom.." I gulped, trying to clear my throat.

"Don't call me that word! I don't have a daughter named Astra!"

"I am your daughter! You are my mother! We are a family---"

"We aren't! Are you gonna leave or not?" She cut me off then pointed to the door. I shook my head and wiped my tears again.

"No.. I will not." I uttered it with conviction. I was trying to be strong. I will not get down in front of my mother. I gritted my teeth subtly as I saw my father heading to their room.

Isn't he going to defend me? Dad, I am your daughter. How can you resist me? I.. I am your family.. and now you're the one.. who's going to leave and reject me.

"Mom! Please!" I pleaded when she pushed me towards the door. I held onto the wood beside to get her to stop pushing me. I wept and kneeled in front of her. "Please, I love you.. Mom.. I.. I l-love you.."

"No! Go away!" Pointing at the door again. She slapped my cheeks when I didn't follow her. I cried even more because of the pain caused by her. I held her shirt and pleaded again and again.

"I won't leave, I won't. I would not!" I howled multiple times. I will not leave this house. This is my home. I can't afford to leave them. They are my home.

Can't life be like this wretch? I had already suffered at my school and I expected them to comfort me.

This can't be. I will plead no matter what happens. I will not leave them!

"No! I'll stay!" I even cried in front of her. I looked down and held her toes, then pleaded. I shook my head multiple times while hurting.

"All you did was to shame us! You didn't do great things! We don't need you! Now, leave!"

"W-Why can't you s-see my efforts, M-Mom?" I slowly looked up at her. I only see madness on her face and that hurts me more. "I am doing my very best to make you proud of me!"

"Don't yell at me!"

"D-Don't you.. appreciate.. my existence? D-Don't you..? I.. I am also human.. I.. I am a-also hurting.. but.. why a-are you showing me that.. I.. am not? T-treat my as your.. daughter, p-please?"

"Yes! No one would value your existence! Go away! Don't touch me!"

I held my cheeks and rubbed them gently. Her slap still hurts. I then gathered all my strength to stand up and face her. I know I looked too weak, yet I made my feelings and emotions strong and brave.

"I-Is this what you want, Mother?"

They may be cruel to me, but I can't do anything but cherish them. I can't hate and feel the lunacy of them either. I won't go with the flow.

"Yes! So yes!"

"Okay, then." I uttered, "I will leave this family. I won't come back. I will not show myself to you anymore."

Leaving doesn't have the definition of a comeback, anyway. I would do what I was saying. I willkeep my promises and I promise to not show myself to them anymore.

"Now, get out. No one loves you!" She yelled before pushing me towards the door. I wasn't completely on the outside when she slammed the door shut. I let my tears out of their hideout and looked at our awful house for the last time.

"Good bye, my home..." I whispered to myself. Tears were flowing down my cheeks. I then wiped them all off and heaved a sigh.

No one loves you, Astra.

My mother's remarks were like a broken record that was playing in my mind multiple times.

"You love yourself, Astra." I said to myself, giving comfort because of this fck situation of mine.

I walked from nowhere. It was like I was none of myself. Later on, I saw an available bench. It's also lonely. Hence, I went there and gave my baby bench a companion.

Heck. I am very close to craziness.

"I'll live on my own already.." I just realised how difficult it is to live by yourself. No other companion and no one is willing to help you.

How can I begin a new life when life for me is already over? I have already started to build my so-called life, but it has already ended. Just lately, actually.

"Can you even survive?" I asked myself while looking at nothingness. I can feel the sticky thing on my face and cheeks that was caused by my tears.

Be brave, Astrallaine Sage. You can survive this challenge. Just move. You must do something. Don't just stay still.

"No challenges would come if He knew you couldn't pass through it."

I was stunned when someone just spoke from behind me. I didn't have the urge to look at that person immediately because I was still shocked.

"If you want something to happen, then you can pass through it. Patience and sweat were needed."

Minutes later, I was able to look at his area. He was just leaning on a post while his hands were on the inside of the pocket of his coat. He was also wearing a cup, so I couldn't see his face clearly. Not to mention that it's already dark.

"Pardon me?"

I heard him chuckle. He's a bit far from me, so I wouldn't hear his laugh. But I am sure it was sexy. He's hot too by just leaning on a post.

He shifted his gaze from the other side before looking at me again.

"Funny, broken family? Hmm, I find it corny." By just reminding me of what had just happened, something just tugged at my heart.

"H-How did you know..?" I asked slowly, making sure that my voice was calm and enough for him to hear it.

He shrugged before standing straight, getting off of leaning. He then adjusted his cap and wore his black hoodie on his head.

"Hey!" I called him when he suddenly walked away. He didn't even tell me about his next move. He has no respect!

Heck! He's kind of a creepy person!

How did he know about my family's breakup? In annoyance, I ran towards him and held the fabric of his clothes at his back to stop him from walking away from me.

"How did you know?" I asked emphatically. I don't know why I get annoyed with him.

He stopped walking but didn't look back at me. "I know everything.."

I laughed in sarcasm. "Stalker you brat!"

"I am not,"

"I will report you to the cops---"

"Go on,"

My brows furrowed. Is he a human? Why doesn't he care at all? Heck, I will really report him!

"Make a scene if you want,"

"Of course, I will!"

"You can't survive in this world. Having that attitude can't go on in life.."

"You just said earlier that I could pass it..." My tone turned into a good child. I was not just in myself, okay? I am not in a good mood because of what just happened.

I know that I have to move on, but I just can't. Heck, how can it be easy? I don't have a scar yet. I'm still in my wounds and I am not yet in the process of healing.

"Then change your attitude."

It was like I was nailed from where I was standing. I didn't have the urge to run again after him when he continued walking.

I gulped hard. How can I change my attitude?

Do I have to change myself?

I love what I am.

And I don't have the heart to change myself just because of the opinion of someone who is creepy and a stranger to me.

I was already listening to others' opinions before, that I must change myself. And the idiot me obeyed. It's like I transformed into another person. I did everything for them to like me. But then, no one stayed.

People just want you temporarily.

Don't listen to someone else's opinion again, Astra. They are not good for you. You have to be with yourself. To be the person who you really are.

I gulped before looking up. Seeing the stars twinkling made me smile and feel embittered. Knowing that they are giving blazes but I am in my darkest situation made me feel guilty.

"Go on, continue your life. It's not yet over." I muttered, sighing. I gathered all of my strength before walking in a known direction. I am heading to a café. I will try my luck. I hope they will give me a chance. I am at the right age to work though.

I hugged myself in the midst of walking. The cold breeze touched my skin and, just like that, my tears fell from my eyes again. I just took the opportunity. The ambiance was perfect for a drama.

I entered the café. It was silent and the only thing I could hear was the sounds of mugs and how the customers sipped on their coffees.

"Hello, what was your order, Ma'am?" A crew approached. I gave her a faint smile before roaming my eyes around. This café is well-known for its unique experimentation with servings.

"I would like to work here, Miss." None itself, I uttered slowly and looked down. What if they wouldn't accept me as their worker? I'll surely look for another place to live.

"Oh, is that it? Go with me, we'll head to the manager." My face twinkled after hearing her statement. I looked at her and she just smiled.

I must not feel embarrassed this time. first attempt and I didn't fail. I am thankful. After everything that happened, I still have the fortune.

"G-Good evening.." I greeted the person who was sitting in her swivel chair inside the office. The crew introduced her to me, saying that she was the manager.

"Good evening, fill this form up."

I did what she wanted. I must do what she wanted. She guided me on how to fill it up and when I was already done, she congratulated me.

I smiled at her with warmth, thankful for the blessing that I was receiving.

"Thank you so much. This means a lot to me."

She just nodded her head in response. I then sighed in relief. What I must do next is to find an apartment for me to live in. I have to look for an extra job too, because I must continue my education.

Even though I was suffering in school, I must bear with it. I didn't want to tell the admins and dean about the things that were happening to me. I don't want another conflict. I'll bear with it on my own will.

I will continue doing the things that have not been done yet. I will continue it by myself. Without any companions.

Best of luck to you, wretched self.

The heat of the sun woke me up from sleeping. I rubbed my eyes using my finger before getting out a yawn.

I hope this day will stand as a hope for me.

"Coffee for another wonderful day, Astra..."

I almost jumped in shock when a crew member of the cafe spoke from behind. She was the woman who guided me last night to apply for their place. Yeah, I slept inside the shop. The manager let me in, though.

"Shameless self," I uttered, laughing at myself. I didn't want to accept it, but I felt like I was rejecting their help.

"Don't be, Astra. Come on and get this. You have to freshen yourself for a good day. "

I nodded and slowly got the cup that she was handing to me. Oh, I don't know her name. Would she introduce herself to me?

"Pardon?"

She stared at me for a while before chuckling. "I'm Sew,"

"Ah.." I nodded and laughed with her too. I drank the coffee and it really tasted so good. Praise for this shop.

I got myself ready for my job. It is a good thing they are nice. They let me take a bath and clean myself up so I could freshen up. I really looks so unpleasant lately.

I heaved a sigh while I was wearing my apron in the locker area. I gulped as I felt the pool of tears that were starting to form in my eyes again.

I was promising that I would be brave, but here I am, feeling weak and don't know what to do first to start a wonderful day.

I was thinking about them, like, are they even good? Are they okay? Are they happy now that I am gone from their sight? I felt more pain from what I was just thinking about.

"Good morning, Ma'am." I greeted a customer. She nodded her head at me slightly before heading to an available table and calling for a crew for her order.

Time passed and I was just standing beside the entrance, greeting the customers that were entering the shop. Later on, I helped the crews serve the customers. I wasn't used to how to serve and what was right to do, but it was a good thing Sew was guiding me.

"Sorry, Ma'am." I apologized immediately when I accidentally bumped a customer who was walking towards the mini-restroom.

I felt nervousness in myself when the coffee spilled on her white dress. I felt my palms sweating because I knew I didn't consider cuatiousness.

"What the..." I heard her curse before looking at me angrily. I gulped and could not even move from where I was standing.

"S-Sorry----"I didn't finish what I was supposed to say when I slapped my pale cheeks. My face turned to the right side because of the impact that was caused by her.

We stole the attention of other customers. I was even more embarrassed because of the scene that I was in.

"This dress cost thousands, yet you just spilled a stain on it!" She yelled right in my face. I closed my eyes harshly and bit my lower lip. Heck! My cheeks hurt! Yesterday, my mother gave me a palm and now I have received another from someone!

"Astra." Sew approached my area. She got the tray that I was holding away from me. While me? I was still in my position earlier. I was facing the right direction and couldn't grasp in my own system what had just happened.

"Look! She did this to me! I value this dress the most, but she ruined its beauty."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

"You didn't mean it? I know 'cause you're literally blind! Get out of my face before I call your manager and get you fired!"

I looked down in shame. Sew apologized again before gently dragging me away from that woman. I couldn't even stop myself when I felt my tears were slowly falling from my eyes.

"S-sorry, I didn't mean it." I apologized to Sew when we stopped walking. We were now on the outside of the shop and I am sure that she brought me here just to scold me.

But what I thought was the opposite of what she said after me.

"You didn't mean it. Don't be sorry for me. And you already apologized to her. Go on and get a rest. I know you're not feeling well and you are experiencing some pain."

My tears fall even more. She's like a mother that I never had. How I wish she was with me. I am longing for parental care.

"But... this is just my first day, Sew..."

"This cafe isn't only for a shop, Astra. This also gives comfort. This is not only for business, but for a helpful approach also."

I gulped, feeling blessed. I was thinking that no one loves or likes me, that everyone loathes me, but then, here Sew is, introducing me to things that are made for comfort.

She told me that I could have my rest even though this was my first day as a worker. On the first day, I did a scene. I scolded myself because of what happened.

I let out a heavy sigh before looking around. There were tall trees and they were swaying because of the wind. Fresh flowers are always blooming.

That's when I knew that life was too beautiful to be this wretched. You just need to fix yourself and prepare for the unexpected things that will come.

I closed my eyes to feel the fresh air. And when I opened my eyes again, they immediately darted to an area where a guy with a cap and hoodie was standing.

My brows creased because of the insights. He is familiar with it.

I stared at him for a minute while he was busy typing on his phone with the earphones that were placed in his ears. I immediately shifted my gaze before he was able to look back in my direction.

Heck!

Why am I staring at that annoying guy? It was the person that I talked to last night. The guy was a stalker. Why is he stalking me anyway? How is he related to me? Is there someone who dared him to follow me for an exchange?

All of a sudden, my cheap phone suddenly beeped. I got it while my brows were creased. Who is texting me? How I wish it was my family.

My brows furrowed even more when I saw an unfamiliar and unregistered number. Out of curiosity, I opened the message and read it.

"Look at your back," I read the text. I arched my brows. Who's this?

None itself. I looked at my back and was surprised when I saw the guy earlier. What the... I looked in the direction where he was earlier and saw that he wasn't already there. He's literally here now at my back. Heck, how did he do that? That was fast!

"H-Hey.." I uttered, but could not grasp how fast he was. Don't tell me he does have magic?

"How are you?" His voice was now firm, unlike yesterday. I gulped when he walked beside me before he sat with me in a lounge.

"F-Fine." I want to answer him rudely, but I just can't. His approach to me this time is now nice. And also, I can now clearly see his face. Heck! He's such a goddess!

I already saw a perfect human. He's so hot!

I looked away when I realized that I had already been staring at him for almost a minute! But.. his eyes were like calling mine and my idiot self let him call mine.

"Are you going to live here?"

I shook my head while busy roaming my own eyes around. "No...?"

"And you'll just take a rest? Knowing that you can use this extra time of yours to look for an apartment or something, don't just stare at someone. That wouldn't help you,"

I sighed. Why is he telling me this? And why would he even care? We're strangers, not friends.

"You're getting creepy, Mister." I hissed. I heard him chuckle, making me look at him again. Why does he laugh sexily?

"You were my neighbor, Astra. How come you don't recognize me?"

My mouth opened slightly because of what he just said. Neighbors? Really? Okay, then. I don't interact with my neighbors though. Let's just say they never interact with me.

I shook my head in annoyance before clearing my throat. "Excuse me, I do have work."

"Good thing you remembered it," I could sense the sarcasm in his tone. I sighed before shaking my head again. I then stood up and excused myself because I was going to continue my work. It is a good thing that the manager understands what I have been doing lately. She just warned me about being cautious. While Sew is always reminding me to focus on one thing.

After work, I still don't know where to go. I stood outside the café and thought about having an apartment. But I don't have any money yet!

Time passed and I couldn't believe that it was almost dark. Did I just think for an hour? Heck! What a waste of time!

I tousled my hair out of frustration. Darn! I can't think clearly! Why am I even pressuring myself?

"As, where are you going?" Before I stepped out of where I was standing, Sew asked. She walked towards me.

Sew 'older than me, maybe she's in her 20's? 24, I think. I wonder why she works here.

"Uh.. I'll look for money to get an apartment,"

she nodded before putting her arms above my shoulders. She then dragged me gently using her arms on me.

"Go with me, I have an apartment."

My brows met. "We're not close,"

"But that doesn't mean that you can't live with me. I was alone there. I want a companion and I want you."

"You already helped me, Sew, and I thank you for that. I don't want you to spoil me, "

"Okay, live with me for just a few days. And then, after you look for a job or money, you can look for another apartment. Deal?"

I sighed. I guess I already have no choice. She's already helping me with what I was struggling with earlier. I must accept her help because I have no one to approach in my time of need.

"Okay, thank you." She smiled at me sweetly. I just returned a faint beam to her.

We waited for a taxi. We immediately got in as we found one. Sew told me where her apartment was located and she also shared with me that she had no family. She's alone in her unit.

"How about you? Where's your family?"

I was stunned for a few seconds when she asked about my family. Should I tell her the truth?

"I left them," was all I was able to say to her.

"Oh? What was their reaction?"

I bit my lower lip and avoided her gaze. "Of course, I am mad and feeling blue." How I wish they were sad because I left, but I know they were happy because finally, their daughter and sister are now gone on their own. They don't even appreciate my existence.

I am the reason why they were suffering. All I did to them was embarass them. They spent more money just to make me study in a school and continue what I had started, but I just disappointed them. I failed. I failed my academics.

"I see. We're the same, though. I also left my family,"

I nodded, though I was shocked. "What was the reason?"

"Lack of money, I think? And I have to work."

I nodded my head again. We were really the same. I can't imagine ourselves being hated just because of that money thing. It really started with money. There is no case if you want to be rich, but make sure it has a valid reason and has a good purpose.

And because of the money, the family was able to shove me away.

"Your apartment is good,"

Sew laughed at me. "Thanks for the compliment. I really chose this one." She said while putting her things on a sofa. I was roaming my eyes around. Her apartment really looks so pretty.

We just arrived at the café. I even saw my former home while we were in the midst of heading here. Our house looks like there is no life. so pale and was covered with serene.

"You can borrow my things, Astra. Of course, private things are an exception."

"I will pay you back,"

"Nah, there is no need. Feel at home, okay? Don't ever think about paying back or anything. It's making me sick. I am not asking you to do that, though."

I smiled at her. No matter what, I will return her goodness to me. I will spoil her soon once I am better.

She invited me to have dinner with her and I didn't refuse it. I am literally hungry and I can't refuse food. That was a great blessing and was special to my family.

Enough with the bitternes.

"I will not be around tomorrow. I only work at the cafe every weekend." Sew said while we were busy feeding ourselves. I want to be fine, but I am too hungry to handle it.

"What would you do on the weekdays?"

"Monday to Wednesday, I work for a company, while Thursday and Friday I work at a bar. I have a gig. Don't get me wrong, I don't do multitasking. It can ruin someone's health. Darn, I am not ready to face death! " She then laughed. My mouth opened slightly before I laughed with her. She's funny, really.

"Same." We laughed even more. We persisted in eating and, after that, she guided me and showed me the room that was supposed to be my permanent room.

"I haven't totally cleaned it. Wait there. I am going to freshen it up. You can watch some movies on TV. Go on." I let out a sigh. I want to clean it, but she's too good to let me do it.

I also wanted to help, but she wanted to do it herself. I snored before heading to the area of television. I didn't turn it on, instead I looked for something that was fabric. I was going to wipe some of the dusky things in the hidden areas and wasn't able to see them immediately.

"Hey, what are you doing, Astra?" I just smiled at Sew. I am now sweeping the floor, and she just got out of the room. "I didn't tell you to do that,"

"But I want to. Let me sew. You said you feel at home, right? These are my doings in my former home, so don't stop me."

She laughed and wagged. I shook my head because of her. I then continued what I was doing and when I was done, I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself.

"Here's my skirt, Astra. Get this," I nodded at her. After I took a bath, I wore the skirts that she had lent me. I then entered the room that was assigned to me and settled there.

I told Sew that I would sleep now and so she did. I closed my eyes as I lay on the bed and my family just entered my mind.

I gulped as I remembered how my mother had shoved me away. I felt my tears fall, so I wiped them immediately.

I wanted to stop these feelings, but I just felt too weak. I just wanted to be numb to not feel the ache that was staying in my insides.

"Be happy." I whispered to myself. I focused myself on sleeping, but my system just won't cooperate.

I got up in annoyance and grabbed a handful of my hair out of frustration. Damn it.

I stood up and looked at the time on a wall clock. It was already morning. I have a class later because it's Monday already. Heck, I don't know where to get a uniform for our university. My things were still in my former house. How could I get them?

I sighed before walking out of the apartment. To my horror, I saw the stalker guy who was my neighbor, he said, also getting out of the apartment that was next to Sew's.

My brows creased. He really is stalking me! I shook my head and just diverted my attention to the bench beside it. I sat there and hugged myself because of the cold that was pressing on my skin.

"Good morning?" He greeted me, unsure when he also saw me.

I looked at him while his brows were creasing again. I noticed that he always came out of nowhere whenever I was alone and thinking about something.

"Are you stalking me, Mister?" I asked in a low manner. Not that I assumed, but he's showing me that. I don't know why I always get annoyed whenever he is around. Like, I am not rude or something! I respect people. It's just, tsk, he's creepy.

"Don't get me wrong, I have lived here for almost a month. I am not a stalker or anything. Why would I anyway?"

I wagged. I don't have time to defend myself against him. I am too tired of that.

"By the way, I'm Jinx Ezekiel." He extended his arms in front of him. I swallowed hard. Should I accept his introduction? But who am I to reject it, right?

"Astra, Astra Sage." I also introduced myself and reached for his hands. We then shake hands. I don't know why I felt so relieved by just being acquainted.

"We can be friends, you know."

I was stunned for a moment. Did I hear it right? Can we be friends? I have never heard that word from someone before!

"Y-You and M-Me.. can be friends?" I asked, stuttering.

"Yes, why not? I also don't have any friends or anything. I am not fond of it."

"T-Then why are you asking me for an acquaintance?"

"I can have a friend, but I only want you."

My heart beats fast. Like, why me? There are a lot of people available there!

"Don't you want it?"

"H-Huh? N-No, of course. I want it! Let's be friends! We can be friends! It's so very okay with---"

"Why are you panicking? It's not like I bite."

I bit the insides of my cheeks in shame. I also don't know why I am feeling this way. It's just that he's too hot and handsome in front of me! Who can act normal with that?

"Y-Yeah, sorry." I laughed awkwardly. He stared at me for a second, then laughed like an idiot. Is he making fun of me?

"You look cute,"

My jaw almost dropped. That was the best compliment I have ever received! I know it's too OA for me, but, coming from him? It just made my stomach tickle all of a sudden.

"T-Thanks,"

"By the way, I will be going outside to buy noodles. Don't you want to go with me?"

I shook my head before avoiding his gaze. "I don't have any money,"

"My treat,"

"No.. you don't have to. And I was about to sleep and have a good night. Uh... just see you tomorrow, "

"See you later," he corrected me. I smiled forcefully before standing up.

"Okay, then. See you later, have a good time." I then waved my hands while heading to Sew's apartment. I could feel him staring at me from my back, but I had just come inside the unit. I leaned against the door once I entered and closed my eyes harshly.

Damn, Astra. You're too obvious!

If I said earlier that his presence was annoying me, then maybe you've read it incorrectly. Heck, he's too good to not be likened!

After thinking about that Jinx Ezekiel, I decided to sleep early because I was going to school later. I hope I will not have a bad time.

"You can wear civilian clothes, Astra. uniforms aren't a trend in your school though,"

I agreed with Sew. She lent me jeans and a tee shirt again. I thanked her before getting my bag. It was a good thing I was able to get this while my mother was raging on fire. It has a pen and school stuff inside.

"I will lock the apartment and will give you my extra key because you're going to get here after you do your job in the café."

I nodded at her. I bid my good bye first before I got out after she handed me the key. I then hissed when I saw Jinx, leaning against the wall just beside the door of the apartment.

"Aren't you going to school?" I asked him. He removed the earphones from his ears and looked at me.

"I was waiting for you." He shrugged. I gulp in subtle before snouting.

"And why is that?"

"I know you don't have a companion going there,"

I sighed before holding the strings of my bag harshly. This is the first time someone has waited for me.

"Thank you," I muttered in bliss. He's a good man, really.