Will I ever feel free?

Today's the day.

Today's the day, the sun is shining through the window and I'm finally getting home.

What's that finding Nemo quote again?

"Todays the day, the sun shining, and the tank is clean – THE TANK IS CLEAN"

That's how I feel, 13 months I have spent in hospital and today I get to leave and try and go back to having a normal life. 13 months ago I came in here as a lonely, scared 15 year old crying out for help. Today I leave as a strong 16 year old, and I am never returning.

You're probably thinking why is that exciting? There must be something up with me if I've been in hospital that long?

Well let's begin.

01 January 2007, new year new me. This was the day I decided I was not going to let my past define me and I was going to finally move out of my abusive parents' home. However, this is where it got a bit tricky, I mean I was 14 years old, where on earth was I meant to go? My grandparents had already passed, we had no family near us. So, what was I meant to do, I was completely stuck. However, I knew someone who might be able to help me. But first I had to share my story.

A few weeks before we broke up for Christmas, I went to school, and sat down with my head teacher. I began to unravelled my life. Finally, after what felt like a few hours, she hugged me and went through my next steps with me.

She explained I would have go to the police and file a report, she explained that it would be a series of tests at the hospitals and many many statements to different people. I had to make sure I stayed calm and spoke clearly. It all sounded pretty straight forward. I had made up my mind, this is what I needed to do.

So, I went to the police, and I filed a report against my stepdad. But it was as easy as my teacher made it seem, yes there was a lot to it but it seemed easy. There was about a million steps, and after it all came to an end I was still trapped.

But if we really want to get to the nitty gritty of how my life became so chaotic, we really best start at the very beginning.

My mum had always been a loving mother, dedicated to spending every spare second, she had with me. Buying me anything and everything I ever wanted. Holidays galore.Can't believe how much things have changed when I think back about what she was like before. I mean literally spend every spare second with each other to this. I vow that I will never become like her, if I'm ever lucky enough to become a mum. She is everything I never want to be.

I remember going to Spain one year, just me and her. Embracing all the sun while down the beach all day. She had such a glow about her life, smiled all day long. I remember movie nights, takeaways in the car. Drives to the beaches the summer where we let the car take us too somewhere magical. Every memory I have of my mother until I turned 10 was just a magical adventure. After all it was just me and her, at first. I have no recollection of my dad, he unfortunately died when I was 3. There was a tragic accident in which his car smashed into lorry. He died instantly.

After my dad died, we moved to a new home closer to my grandparents. This allowed my mum to carry on her working career and me to be watch by my dad's parents. I wish they were still here to see what's happened and help me navigate this life.

By 6, I was enrolled in school and had so many after school activities. My calendar looked a little bit of a mess, but my mum made sure I never missed a thing. I could try anything a wanted and drop whatever I didn't enjoy. Swimming, horse riding, football, dancing and gymnastics. An action- packed week for a 6-year-old. I soon dropped horse riding and football as I lost interest really quickly.

Around this time, my mum introduced me to Stephen - her new boyfriend. He was amazing, spent so much time with me, playing with my toys and always showed up to my events. He never ever missed one. If I wanted something he bought it, my mum never had to lift a finger. Stephen had it covered. Stephen worked for one of the highest paying firms in the country as an accountant. Once they married, which didn't take too long after we met, my mum quit her 9-5 and adapted into her stay-at-home mum life. Looking back, she flaunted his money making sure everyone who looked knew we were now better off than them. Stephen was however an alcoholic, he was what they would consider a functioning alcoholic. He could still get up and do his job and look after himself, and he only drank at night time. But he couldn't go a single night without a crate of beer.

A few months ago, after I stupidly allowed my mum to visit me. I thought she would apologise for everything and have my back. Boy was I wrong! However, she did share the reason that Stephen was an alcoholic. She told me that Stephen started to drink after a horrid accident involving his wife and 3 young girls. They were in a shopping centre, when they were unfortunately shot and killed by a random man. He went on a shooting spree following a mental breakdown. There were loads and loads of casualties, including emergency services.

His girls were only 3, 7 & 9. Tragic really, I mean does anyone ever get over that? Probably not. The shooter was shot dead as well. Not really justice if you ask me. Why didn't he get to suffer having to deal why what he did to those poor people?

Anyway, after the accident Stephen moved from America to England in a way to leave his past behind him, to move on and try and navigate a new life with no wife or kids. This is when the drinking started as he realised moving to a different country, he hasn't been able to escape his mind.

I get it, fully get it. It's so hard to escape your brain. Just don't understand him or his ways.