What we shouldn't be

KENZ POV – CHAPTER ONE

"Fuck Jeremy," I moaned as his hands slowly slid lower.

The kiss was the most erotic thing I'd ever felt.

He pulled his top up, and I saw the most perfectly carved body.

"Get on your knees," he commanded in his calm but deep voice.

I reached out for his trousers, maintaining deep eye contact like the world was going to end if I looked away.

Carefully, I took his zip down, and then-

"Kenz! Kenz!"

Mrs. Chaperone's voice snapped me out of it.

"What's so special outside the window that you can't take your eyes away from?" she asked in her usual grumpy, dry voice.

"Oh... I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't realize I was drifting off."

Only then did I realize I had been daydreaming through the entire class.

"Well, you might as well drift out of the classroom. It's been over for about ten minutes."

She picked up her handbag and prepared to leave.

I looked around.

The classroom was empty.

Fuck.

How long had I been out?

My cheeks burned with embarrassment as I remembered that I had spent the entire last period fantasizing.

I rubbed my eyes, adjusted my glasses, and picked up my bag.

The school was unusually quiet.

The once-bustling hallways were now quieter than a graveyard.

Sunlight spilled through the windows, and, for a moment, it almost looked like somewhere I would want to stay forever.

But hell no.

This was Greenville.

Nothing about this place made me want to live here.

Greenville always had this quiet, suffocating atmosphere hanging over it.

No matter what happened, nothing ever changed.

Most people probably didn't feel the same way I did.

Maybe reality simply hadn't caught up with them yet.

Or maybe they weren't queer like me.

As I stepped into the hallway, my phone buzzed three times.

Two messages from Toria.

One from my mum.

How pathetic.

I opened Toria's text immediately.

Hey, still alive?

Unfortunately, yes.

Her reply came a second later.

Meet me at the coffee shop in exactly five minutes.

And when I say exactly five minutes, I mean exactly five minutes. Not one minute more.

A ticking clock emoji followed the message.

I snorted.

The coffee shop was only four minutes away from Greenville High School anyway.

As I walked, I heard the distant voices of the football team practising nearby.

I recognized some of them.

The usual idiots.

Still, I was convinced that most of them had kissed a guy at least once before.

They just refused to admit that it was gay.

Seriously, every single thing they did screamed queer.

Showering together.

Comparing sizes.

Touching each other to measure.

Drinking beer straight from each other's mouths.

Even Adlai, the most openly queer guy in Greenville, hadn't done all that.

Sometimes I wished I could be more like him.

Well, maybe not completely.

The guy wore miniskirts and pink underwear that made his bulky ass impossible to ignore.

I pushed the thought away and entered the coffee shop.

Toria sat in the far corner, looking exhausted, as usual.

The moment she saw me, she waved.

"So, he lives."

"Only a matter of time before I don't."

She frowned.

"Bro, stop saying stuff like that. I really don't like it."

"Okay, okay. Sorry."

I rubbed her messy bun.

"So, what's wrong?" she asked. "You look stressed."

"Yeah. I am."

"Family?"

I laughed quietly.

"When has it not been family?"

She didn't laugh.

"But it's more than that this time," I continued. "Final exam results, NYU acceptance, and wondering whether I'll ever get out of this place."

I picked at my nails absentmindedly.

"Oh, relax."

She leaned back in her chair.

"Soon you'll become one of those ridiculously attractive New York college students. The Justin Bieber kind."

I nearly choked on my coffee.

"Justin Bieber isn't from New York."

"Fine."

"The Kanye West kind, then."

"Kanye is Black."

"You're completely missing the point."

I laughed.

"Maybe."

"Just calm down," she said. "Everything will work out."

At that exact moment, my phone buzzed.

Another text from my mum.

Shit.

I had completely forgotten about the first message.

Where are you, Kenz? Fellowship starts at seven.

"Fuck."

I stood up so quickly that my chair scraped against the floor.

"I have to go."

"Go where?"

"We're having one of those church gatherings."

Toria groaned.

"Oh, no."

"Yep."

"The church board is coming over. There'll be food, prayers, and all the usual church stuff."

She burst into laughter.

I didn't bother replying.

I waved goodbye and hurried home.

The second I walked inside, my mum's voice rang through the house.

"Kenz! Where have you been? Didn't you see my messages?"

"I forgot."

"You forgot?"

She stared at me as though I had committed a crime.

"We discussed this three days ago. We discussed it this morning. And you forgot?"

She tightened her grip on the wooden spoon in her hand.

"I could smack you right now, but I need you looking presentable."

I rolled my eyes.

"Should a deaconess really be swearing like that?"

Her expression darkened.

"You should probably say a Hail Mary before the priest gets here."

"Kenz!"

My father's voice thundered from downstairs.

"You don't speak to your mother that way."

The entire house smelled of food and candle wax.

I hated it.

The scent always clung to my clothes long after the guests had gone.

I walked into my room and dropped onto my bed.

My phone was still in my hand.

No new notifications.

Nothing.

How depressing.

"Kenz!"

My mum again.

"You'd better not be on that phone."

I groaned.

"I'm nineteen, not six."

"That doesn't matter."

"I can still take it away."

"That's hardly a threat."

"Oh, really?"

Her footsteps stopped outside my door.

"I don't know what's gotten into you lately, and frankly, I don't care."

"You'd better pull yourself together and not embarrass me tonight."

A few moments later, her footsteps disappeared.

I lay there quietly.

Her words settled on me like a heavy blanket.

Still, I was used to it.

I showered for almost twenty minutes.

By the time I came out, voices echoed throughout the house.

People had arrived.

I sat down on the edge of my bed.

Then my phone buzzed.

An Instagram notification appeared on the screen.

JEREMY_ISCOOL SENT YOU A MESSAGE REQUEST

I stared at it.

What the actual fuck?

I opened the message.

Hey, bunny. Been a while.

KENZ'S POV

CHAPTER TWO

I stared at the text for so long that I had no idea what to do.

Why the hell was Jeremy texting me?

He had ignored me completely after we spent the entire summer together, yet those few words had shifted something inside me, and I hated it.

Eventually, I decided to reply.

Not warmly.

Just cold and short.

What?

I wasn't the vulnerable Kenz from last year.

I was about to turn off my phone when another message appeared.

Woah, one-word replies? Doesn't sound like my bunny.

Fuck.

I was irritated to my core, yet I simply couldn't ignore him.

Bunny.

I hated that name so much.

It reminded me of how stupid and easy I had been.

I used to like it when he called me that, but now it only sent shivers of disgust through me.

I shoved my phone into my pocket and stood up.

My reflection in the mirror caught my attention.

Pale.

Brown.

Lean.

I looked as though I had survived a zombie apocalypse.

Not that it mattered.

Nobody would care anyway.

"Kenz! Come downstairs and greet the visitors!" my mum shouted.

"Oof."

I sighed and tried to push Jeremy out of my mind.

I walked downstairs and greeted the guests.

The usual robotic conversations and fake pleasantries filled the house.

"Oh, there he comes," my father announced, as though I were some kind of prince.

I glanced around.

The house was packed with deaconesses dressed in colourful gowns as they chatted and gossiped. The men, dressed in their usual suits, discussed politics and other stereotypical nonsense.

Sometimes I wondered who the people of Greenville were trying to impress.

Nobody here had millions of dollars, yet they acted as though they were relatives of Bill Gates.

"Here's our future surgeon," one of the pastor's wives said dramatically.

Another woman pinched my cheek.

"This boy is too handsome."

"Any girl in mind?" the priest asked.

"No, sir."

"I'm focusing on my exams-"

Before I could finish speaking, my mother interrupted.

"Relationships are too distracting for young people."

"Oh, please," another woman said with a laugh.

"Let the boy enjoy life while he can. Soon, he won't even have time to visit his family."

I quietly slipped into the kitchen before anyone could ask more questions.

All I could think about was Jeremy's message.

"You presented yourself well," my mum said while stirring the chicken soup.

"Thank you, Mum."

I opened the fridge and grabbed a drink.

"You know, everyone downstairs thinks I mistreat you."

"Whatever, Mum."

I took a sip of my ginger ale.

"You're ignoring me now?"

My phone buzzed.

Another message.

Can we talk, please?

Leave me alone, dude, I replied, even though I knew perfectly well that I wanted to see him.

"Kenz!" my dad called from the living room.

"Come and greet Father Benedict."

I groaned and slowly walked back downstairs.

Father Benedict stood near the fireplace with a glass of wine in his hand while everyone surrounded him.

Something about him seemed strange.

"Kenz, you've become a man now."

He smiled.

"Your mother tells me you're planning to study abroad."

"Hopefully."

"Hopefully?" my mum repeated with a chuckle.

I quickly corrected myself.

"I mean, yes, Father."

"Well, if things don't work out, the church will always welcome you. There is no greater occupation than serving the Creator."

That mentality was one of the reasons so many people in Greenville never aimed for anything greater than an ordinary life.

They had no ambition.

No dreams.

Nothing.

I smiled politely as Father Benedict patted my shoulder.

If only he knew how desperately I wanted to escape.

Dinner had started twenty minutes earlier.

Everyone sat around the table while conversations flowed from one end to the other.

"Children these days are becoming something else," one woman said.

"Social media is destroying their minds."

"I'm afraid it's ruining their morality as well."

"Especially all that LGBTQ nonsense."

Not now.

Please.

I wasn't ready for this conversation.

Another woman shook her head.

"Disgusting people."

My father nodded.

"That's why children need strict homes."

My phone buzzed again.

Jeremy.

Come outside.

I ignored the message.

Another one appeared.

Bunny.

I swallowed hard.

I knew I would eventually give in.

Leave me alone!!

Strangely enough, I found myself smiling.

"What's wrong?" my mum asked.

"You haven't touched your food."

"I'm fine. I just need some air."

"Nobody leaves during fellowship," my father said.

"I'll be back."

"Kenz-"

My mum tried to stop me, but I had already walked away.

The cool night air brushed against my skin, leaving goosebumps behind.

I crossed the street.

"Jeremy?" I called.

The darkness made it difficult to see.

Jeremy hadn't changed at all.

He was still the handsome, broad-shouldered guy I had always had a crush on.

"I didn't think you'd come," he said.

"I don't have much time. What do you want?"

Despite everything he had done, I still couldn't resist him.

"Relax, babe. I just wanted to see your pretty face."

He smiled.

"I know I hurt you last summer, but let me make it up to you. How about dinner?"

I wanted to say yes.

I really did.

But I couldn't risk being seen in a restaurant with another guy.

That was Greenville for you.

"No. I have schoolwork."

"Sorry."

"Okay."

He looked disappointed.

"I should go. My dad is waiting for me."

As I turned away, Jeremy suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him.

My heart skipped a beat.

"Just one dinner?" he asked quietly.

"Or we could simply talk in your room."

Fuck.

I was already giving in.

Why did I have to be so weak?

We quietly climbed into my room through the window, trying not to alert anyone.

The atmosphere immediately became awkward.

"Still the same boring room."

Jeremy looked around.

"It looks like a library."

"Shut up."

I stepped closer to him.

I had wanted this for a long time.

I reached for him and pulled him closer.

"Possessive, aren't you?" he whispered.

His hands rested gently against my neck, and I could feel his warm breath against my skin.

"Kenz? Are you in your room?"

My sister's voice came from outside the door.

Shit.

KENZ'S POV

CHAPTER THREE

"Shit," I muttered under my breath.

Jeremy pulled away from me so quickly that I almost laughed.

Of course, laughing would have been incredibly stupid considering the situation I was in.

"Kenz?"

My sister knocked again.

"Kenz?"

My stomach dropped.

I was as good as dead.

Ellie was a full time chatterbox. If she saw Jeremy standing in my room, my life would officially be over.

Jeremy looked around the room as though he were searching for an escape route.

Then he pointed toward my closet.

"Oh my God. Absolutely not."

He rolled his eyes.

"What? Scared of something, or have you got a better idea?"

Another knock echoed through the room, louder than the first.

"Kenz, open up!"

I grabbed Jeremy by the wrist and pushed him toward the bathroom instead.

He nearly slipped while trying to avoid crashing into the wall.

"Hurry up," I whispered.

The moment the bathroom door clicked shut, I opened my bedroom door just enough to peek outside.

"What do you want?"

Ellie immediately narrowed her eyes.

"Why do you look like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like you've seen a ghost."

"What do you want, Ellie?"

"Relax. Why are you acting so nervous? You're sweating."

I touched my forehead far too quickly.

"It's hot. I was fixing something."

She leaned against the door frame, obviously unconvinced.

"Mum asked me to check on you. She thinks you're sick."

"I'm fine," I answered immediately.

The sooner Ellie left, the better.

Her eyes drifted past me and into the room.

For one terrible second, I thought Jeremy was about to sneeze or knock something over.

The silence from the bathroom suddenly felt much too suspicious.

Then Ellie sighed dramatically.

"You're acting really weird."

She stared at me as though she could somehow read my thoughts.

I snorted.

"Thanks."

"Whatever. Goodnight."

"Yeah. Night."

I closed the door and released a long breath.

A few seconds later, the bathroom door creaked open.

Jeremy stepped out while trying to hold back a laugh.

"That was painful to watch. You looked like you were about to pee yourself."

"Oh, shut up."

"You're such a terrible liar, Kenz. I'm surprised we managed to hide our relationship for so long."

I frowned.

"Relationship? We were never in one."

My mood shifted instantly.

He smiled, and, annoyingly enough, it still affected me.

"So you didn't like what we had?" he asked as he stepped closer.

The smile disappeared from my face immediately.

The room suddenly felt too warm.

I crossed my arms.

"That's all in the past. You treated me like shit."

His expression changed at once.

"I know."

"No texts. No calls. Nothing."

"Kenz-"

"No."

I cut him off before he could continue.

"You don't get to show up here and pretend everything is normal. You don't get to act as though you didn't disappear without saying a word after making me think I mattered to you."

Jeremy rubbed the back of his neck and looked away.

"My dad found out we were spending time together."

I frowned.

"And?"

"He started asking questions."

"And you panicked?"

"Yes."

I laughed once.

There was nothing funny about any of it.

"So your solution was to pretend I didn't exist?"

"It wasn't like that."

"Then what was it like?"

"I needed space."

He sighed.

"I was trying to figure out who I was. A lot happened, and I couldn't deal with it. I'm sorry I let all of that come between us."

Silence settled over the room.

Jeremy stepped closer again, moving much more carefully this time.

It was almost as though he already knew I was seconds away from throwing him out.

"I thought staying away would make things easier," he said quietly.

"For who?"

He didn't answer.

That hurt more than any answer could have.

I looked down at the floor because I already knew what would happen if I kept looking at him.

"You should leave."

He ignored me and took another step forward.

"You don't mean that."

"I do."

I lifted my head and forced myself to look directly at him.

"This was never supposed to work. It still can't work, and I don't feel anything for you anymore."

That was a lie.

A very obvious lie.

Jeremy slowly shook his head.

"No."

His voice was barely above a whisper.

"You make staying away impossible. I wish I could change what happened, but maybe we could start over."

My chest tightened.

I hated that it did.

For several seconds, neither of us moved.

Then he carefully reached for my hand.

"Maybe I shouldn't have left, but I did."

He looked down.

"I'm sorry, bunny."

I rolled my eyes even though I could feel my face growing warm.

"Stop calling me that."

A smile spread across his face.

"You still react every time."

Before I could answer, my phone buzzed loudly from the other side of the room.

Both of us froze.

"Probably your mum," Jeremy whispered.

I walked over to my desk and picked up my phone.

It was an email from NYU.

My eyebrows immediately drew together.

"Who is it?" Jeremy asked.

I didn't answer.

Instead, I opened the message.

My heart almost stopped.

CONGRATULATIONS. YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN ACCEPTED. WE ARE EXCITED TO OFFER YOU ADMISSION. CLICK BELOW TO ACCEPT THIS OFFER.

I stared at the screen.

Jeremy noticed the expression on my face.

"Kenz?"

I looked up.

I still couldn't find the words.

He glanced down at my phone.

"Wait. NYU?"

He blinked.

"That's in New York."

"Yeah."

The word came out quietly.

"Oh."

He looked away.

"So you're leaving Greenville."

"That's..."

I waited for him to finish.

"That's what?"

He hesitated.

"I don't know. It's just a lot."

He lowered his eyes.

"So you really want to go?"

"Yes."

I didn't hesitate.

"It's all I've ever wanted."

His expression darkened.

"But what am I supposed to do when you're gone?"

I knew exactly where this conversation was heading.

And I didn't like it.

I wasn't about to give up NYU for anyone.

Not now.

Not ever.

Before he could continue, I took a step backward.

"What were you doing during all those months when you weren't with me?"

The question came out colder than I had intended.

Silence immediately filled the room.

Jeremy looked down.

"So that's it?"

"Yeah."

I folded my arms.

"That's what it means."