What We Want

"Shut the fuck up!" He hit my face for the third time.

I choked on my tears and my weakness as I dropped with a loud thud on the bedroom floor.

What did I do wrong?

I trembled at the sight of him coming towards me as I hurriedly crawled back in total fear before he finally caught me and came on top of me to continue his assault.

"Stop..." I croaked out. I couldn't even recognize my voice.

All I did was love him. Unfortunately.

He didn't even bother to heed my words to stop or pay attention to my pain and groans. If anything, he enjoyed that sight of me in total squirm.

I grabbed his hands, clothes and anything for me to be able to fight him off of me but who am I kidding?

"Stop it Abel!" I tried to scream but he hit me so hard that I coughed up blood.

"I said shut the fuck up bitch!" He bellowed as I frail body gave up fighting his assault.

Then he laughed maniacally and tore my clothes away from my body.

I coughed up more blood as I tried once again to fight him off of me. I had to do this much because I couldn't afford to let him have his way with me.

His rough hands tugged at my undies.

"Nooo!!!"

*****************

On that rainy day, my clothes were torn and I was barely even standing straight and collected in the middle of the road and in the middle of the night. I couldn't tell where I was or how I got there, it was so dark and I felt my feet ache. I looked down at my feet and saw blood, dried blood and more blood all over me. I don't remember anything but strange thing is that, I wasn't shocked or terrified at the sight of it. I just felt...

Just then, bright headlights shown on me, followed by the car halt. I felt numb. The driver's side opened and the car driver got down and came towards me. I didn't move, I couldn't, cause my feet seemed rooted in the ground. It was a he, I couldn't see his face because the lights concentrated on my sleepy eyes and that same light seem to illuminate him.

He appeared to be a giant coming to just flip me out of the way so he could continue his voyage but he didn't do that, yet. He just looked down at me patiently and didn't budge. Is he a psycho? Oh God! I can't deal with such a personality at this time or anytime at all especially this time because I feel a mix of numb and I feel shitty and out of this world at the same time. Or is he someone who had caused the crash and has come to finish me off? I fully noticed a Lexus Rx pressed in two from the corner of my eye. So this is it! This is finally it! This is my end! I'm finally going to be wiped out of this world with no trace, with no family.

Wait, who are my parents? I felt a sharp tug at my heart and I discovered that I couldn't remember a face, or name, or where or how I ended up in the middle of the road and without that information, it was devastating enough and I guess I should feel automatically inclined to completely and ultimately disappear from the face of the world.

I felt cold and I could tell my insides also shiver but one thing that was happening that I begged the stars not to let happen was the fact that my eyes didn't feel like mine. It continued shutting down without my permission and I didn't need it to and not at this time that I'm obviously at the mercy of my captor. Yes him. I still don't understand why he's still quiet in front of me and if not for my current state, I would have toppled him over with my tiny frame and beat the hell outta him but guess what, I'm numb. I'm tired and devastatingly numb!

My orbs hate me. They shouldn't be so tired and weak and sleepy, not at this time at least not until I'm privileged enough to witness my impending fate in the hands of this stranger right now. I'm torn between whether life or death awaits me, but I guess my eyes has decided the latter. Oh God, I'm coming home soon!

Finally, my eyes failed me. They completely close and I felt my frame dissolve to the earth.

I opened my eyes and was immediately met with a pair of dark orbs staring back at me. I jerk upwards and solid hands held me still.

"Stay still", he spoke calmly and my body obeyed without question. I took in his features. Aside his beautiful dark orbs, his... Wait, have you ever seen a Greek god? He's in front of me right now and while I'm resisting the urge to drool at his amazing features and body build, I know I'm not meant to be here in the first place. So I laid back. I remember the incident from last night and the fact that I could have died in his hands but here I am, on a king sized bed, his bed I suppose, because the deco and the photographs plastered on the walls of the room, screamed his face and his calm demeanor. If anything, I like it. I stared at him, I felt a pang of debt. I owe him. He ... wait, I blinked severally, felt my toes and hands under the sheets, my body parts and organs were still intact. So, oh yeah! He saved my life.

"Do you feel better?" He asked. If anything, his concerned look took to my heart and I felt mushy and I immediately jerked out of the bed, surprised I did that without help. I shouldn't feel mushy and I definitely shouldn't be here and here with a stranger that would have cut me in half and thrashed me but chose to let me in his luxurious house and his beautiful room. All the more reason I shouldn't be here. Yes, I feel grateful to him for having saved me but it's starting to feel so good and too comfortable, a part of me didn't want that plus my feet felt jelly.

"Uh.. yes.. yes, I feel better", I said not looking at him, I shouldn't look at him. Something about him was starting to irk me and I want to disappear and not be here in this room and.. and in this house, my eyes searched for the door. But where will I rather be? I remember nothing before the accident and I sure as hell don't even remember my own name!

"You're sure?" His voice came again and this time, I feel his breath tickle my ears and then his cologne filled my nostrils. My feet didn't feel like mine and my heart was doing a double take and heaving, I couldn't stay still. Why is he so close?

"Ye..ss..", I couldn't even hear myself.

"Even without clothes?" He asked with no trace of surprise in his voice and then I froze. Without clothes? I mentally kicked myself. I'm done! Here I am completely naked and I didn't even realize it until he made it obvious. I shouldn't have gotten off from under those sheets that protected my frame and now I have a stranger this close and I'm still numb and unmoving and obviously can't think of a way out.

"I.. I..." I tried to form words.

"The clothes you had on were torn and messy, I had to get it off of you and hey, I didn't look, I tried not to but you shouldn't have jerked off. Now you make me come so close to you this way because I don't want to absorb what I shouldn't." He muttered to my hearing, his frame towered over me as I slowly turn on my heel to face him. He looked so innocent, like someone who's not capable of doing the worst, but I noticed he looks restrained, like someone who's also trying to keep it in his pants. I looked into his eyes and I know I shouldn't tempt him this way.

"Get me yours." I said, which made his look question me .

"Let me wear your clothes.." I looked down to his nose.

"Please.."I mumbled as my eyes settled on his lips. God no! This is wrong, this feelings are wrong, my thoughts are wrong and I am wrong. I looked down, avoiding that part of his face as I behold my naked self standing bare in front of this man who's only an inch away from me. I almost choked on my anxiety and then I closed my eyes and then I felt him move away from me and was immediately back to his initial place again. Then I felt him put cloth over my head. I opened my eyes and submitted my cooperation to cover up myself. He was gentle.

"There you go." He whispered.

"Thanks." I said not sure if he heard me.

He walked away from me and then I felt I could breathe again.

"Come with me", he spoke with ease. I blinked severally, then noticed my wet eyes. I touched my face, I felt my own tears trickle down my cheeks. I had.. cried? I'm so messed up! I resolved to follow him when I felt my head spin accompanied with a blasting headache. I winced and then heard my groans. Soon, the headache was gone and I felt revitalized and full of unknown energy but my legs were still jelly.

"Fuck! She ended up like this and.." I looked around the room. "Here."

I observed my surroundings. I felt full surge over my body.

I smiled mischievously. "You got yourself a good bang Faye!" I screamed, unknown thrill at the pit of my stomach.

"You have to stay back now." I grabbed an ash coloured pant from the wardrobe, slipped into it and straightened my hair with my hands. "It's my turn now." I dashed out of the room.

He beckoned to me to join him at the dinning table and I scoffed, so loud that he stared at me like a weirdo. I don't care. Let's go see what we're having for breakfast.

I settled my ass on a stool and decided to stuff myself with pancakes. I never knew he made them so good. Well, it's not like I actually know anything about him but his pancakes are damn good. I watched the way he sipped his tea and immediately thought about making out with him after breakfast.

"You like?" He asked referring to the pancakes.

"I love.." I said amidst eating. "Trust me", I added with a knowing smile. Pancakes are good.. but compared to him? Nah..

He chuckled. "So what do you remember Faye?"

I froze. Did he just call me Faye? He noticed the shock on my face.

"Don't be shocked, I got to know your name from this", he slipped a tiny note to me with an amused expression. I opened the note and it read, you're everything to me Faye. I squeezed it, "I'm not Faye!"

He looked confused. He's crazy! I'm not that soft bitch! I liked the confusion written all over his face and at the same time, I hate it. I'm not her and can never be! I squeezed the paper further and tried to calm my nerves. I could make due with a glass of wine right now, my eyes searched the kitchen to find my route to complete relief. I went to the fridge and opened it, damn this dude is loaded. I felt the initial thrill again, I love being happy alongside getting what I want. I made my choice and moved to settle on my stool not forgetting taking an appropriate glass with me.

I poured myself some and gulped it and oh, there's nothing like this feeling. My eyes then met his and he looked totally undisturbed but appeared to be closely observing my every move. I Ignored him and downed some more wine.

"Who are you then?" He asked softly and I slyly settled my gaze on him, feeling superior. I love superior, I love me.

"Faya.." I said meeting his eye balls. " My name's Faya and not Faye" I clarified cheerfully.

"Faya?" He looked to be in deep thought. It's his business. I'm here and in charge. Faye's stupid. I'm the bearer not her. I do whatever I want.

"Yes and pls, I'd like to enjoy my drink in peace." I eyed him and departed to the sitting room. I relaxed myself. Oh God.. it's been so long I had a little treat. This feels nice. I threw out the cushion pillows and laughed out loud. It's his house but it could be my rules. I giggled, not caring about anything in this world.

"Faya.." hearing his soft voice from behind made me feel a tinge of guilt. Is he an asshole or what?

I looked at him like he's nothing where I stand.

"Do you remember what happened before the accident?" He now sat beside me. I gulped a glass full of wine.

"Of course I do.." I giggled. "It's fucked up".

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked.

"Well, it wouldn't have happened if Abel didn't fuck up. He's a douche.."

"Abel? Who's Abel?"

"He's an asshole Faye fell in love with.."I winced, of course I remember it all. "That soft bitch!" I laughed cynically.

"And who's Faye?" I gulped another glass full of wine as I tried to shake off the upcoming effects.

"She's.." I tried to keep my eyes open and at the same time, tried to think of what to say. Why have I become dump and blank?

"Who?" He pressed.

I was tipsy and I like the feeling of being light, of feeling light, like the whole world is light and weightless. He came close and robbed me of my glass and bottle. He's crazy. I tried to keep my body still as he held me still.

"You've had more than enough Faye," he tried to control my movements.

"I told you I'm.. no..t Faye.." I slipped in and out of consciousness.

"You shouldn't have had so much," he said.

I giggled out loud. "I .. told you.. I'm not.." I giggled more. " I'm not.. Faye you ass.. asshole!"

A strange conviction etched his features and I felt if anything, I felt relief that he finally caught on. I tried to keep my eyes open. "Y.. you.. cute asshole!" I smiled at his features. Even in my state, I resolved that with that cuteness? He's worth a thousand stitches and that made me blush red. I caught a hint of genuine smile from the way he seemed to read me like a book. "You're cute".

I fell on him with my head over his shoulders. I want to sleep, the rest of the world can wait. I feel him grab me like a baby. I loved the feel of him against me and I immediately felt sorry for him. I'm Faya, not Faye. I drifted to sleep.

I felt warm contact on my hand as I slowly opened my eyes and met his eyes. Has he been here all day? Soft groans escaped my throat. Have I been sleeping all day? He's been watching me sleep? I held back a scoff and looked away feeling weak on my legs.

"Are you practicing to be a guardian angel or something?" I mumbled under my breath. He looked concerned.

"How long have you been watching me for?" I asked as he adjusted himself.

"It's good you're awake now." He said and moved away from the bed. What's up with him?

"Where are you going?" I asked after him.

"Now that you're awake, don't you think I should put myself to good use?" He walked out the door.

I sighed and immediately felt bile rise to my throat, I rubbed my tummy, thinking it'll ease up but no, and then it got worse. I quickly left the bed and rushed into the washroom. I threw up, so much that my belly hurt and I felt empty. Was I drunk? I took some water and then spat it out as I stared at myself in the mirror, my eyes were puffy and my face, pale. I looked terrible plus I felt hungover. How long has it been since I actually took good care of myself? I walked out of the washroom and then sat on the bed as I noticed a crumpled paper on the bed table, I grabbed it and read its content. A wave of pain hit me as I bit my lip. I recognized those scribblings and I remember it now. The memories hit me like musk and like every other time I've been through the inevitable effect of every thought and memory, I felt drained yet again. I started to feel tears blur my vision and I tried to blink them back.

"Abel.." I almost cursed the day I met him but I've cursed myself more times than I'm comfortable admitting for loving him so much. I bit my lip hard.. I still do, I still love him and I hate that I still do.

"Faye.. " I snapped my head to the door and met his eyes. "Abel.." I muttered as I didn't even feel like hiding my tears and in depth pain. I'm too used to doing that over the years and I'm done with hiding. I guess it's solely because I feel so tired and exhausted that it hurts. It hurts so deep I clutched my throat so as to not weep and scream out at the top of my lungs. I'm used to doing that too because I've cried myself to sleep on nights that seemed to hold out fair share of frustration to me and dish out doses of pity that resulted from constant anxiety and heartbreak. I clasped my eyes shut. Who knew a crumpled piece of paper could do more damage than a crashed train?

Before I noticed, he was beside me holding my hands.

"Faye, what's wrong?" He asked softly. "Faye.. open your eyes and look at me."

"Abel.." was all I could mutter as more tears rushed down my face completely drenching the paper. What did I do so wrong?

"Who's Abel?" He seemed to tighten his hold on my hands. "Tell me who he is.." then he slowly brought my eyes to meet his. My eyes was already burning with probing tears but I could tell he was disturbed and.. deeply concerned. I looked down to his grip on my hands. It brought all the cursed memories back to me.

"He.. he.. took advantage of everything I gave up for him.." I mumbled, he gently squeezed my hands urging me on to continue. "He.. he raped me." I tried to meet his eyes but couldn't, how can I? How can I even accept myself.. I'm not the same. I can't be whole again and I sure as hell won't heal from this curse. How could I still love someone so hideous? Someone who didn't give two shits about me!

He pulled me into his embrace. "I'm sorry." And that opened the floodgates. I cried, screamed and struggled thinking it'd make me feel better but it only made me more weak. I've always been weak against Abel and everything he did to me and I never stood up or defended myself. I couldn't. Was it love? Was love that stupid and weak? I hated everything, even more the fact that I still love him.

"I'm truly sorry," he whispered, that was when my hands circled him accepting his embrace. It was one of the luxuries I've yearned for.. all my dedicated years to Abel. He never saw me, he never appreciated my efforts, he took it all for granted. He made me beg for his love. It's all my fault, I didn't back off when I should and the first time he made me cry, I defended him and stuck so close like bubble gum to the wall. I'm all to blame. Even when he passed his scribblings to me, telling me I'm everything to him, it was all an underlying note of contempt and mockery which I bagged with unquestioned acceptance.

I remained in his comfortable embrace till I was calm enough to pull out. I avoided his eyes as he made me look at his face.

"He's an asshole for taking advantage of you.." he said softly, "but your past shouldn't define you Faye", he whispered like he was unsure at the word 'define'. "Don't let it," he added as a genuine smile played at his lips. His smile was contagious and I tried to return it but failed. I'm already broken and can't be fixed or mended.

He then flicked out the threads of tears on my face and caressed my right cheek with care and then smiled more at me.

He sighed. "I've got some feminine clothes in the closet, make your choice and get ready. We're going on a trip". He spoke and left my side. On a trip? To where? I wanted to ask but decided against it.

"Feminine clothes?" I asked instead. "Your girlfriend's?" He stopped by the door not looking at me. His shoulders dipped making it obvious he had sighed heavily.

"My sister's". He said and disappeared from the doorway. His sister's? My eyes settled on the closet for a while, after which I went into the bathroom to shower. Several thoughts ran through my mind and I know I shouldn't trust him but something tells me I could and that it's safe to. I let the water attempt to wash away the feel of Abel from my skin alongside the excruciating memory of desire and also, the height of stupidity.

We boarded a private ship, turns out it's his with a bold scribbling with the name, "Vatzah". It's astonishing enough to discover, it's his surname. My jaw almost dropped when I got to see the welcome banner that read "The Island of Vatzah". Everything was his.. he's a black card billionaire! And I am breathing on his property. I felt dumbfounded enough and even when we arrived in his massive house.

It was too beautiful to behold and when I finally decided to catch my breath on my already pacing heartbeat, I caught his eyes already on me and as if he enjoyed seeing the look on my face, he laughed at my expression and I became flushed and embarrassed. I walked away not knowing where exactly I was headed but I wanted to escape his sight. Several female attendants approached me and demanded whether I was lost and how they can assist me. I was definitely lost but lack a response to how they can assist me. I opened my mouth to say something to their expectant and curious faces..

"She's with me", he spoke from behind and instantly appeared beside me holding my hand. I looked at our interlocked hands and I became more embarrassed and speechless.

"Welcome Mr Vatzah", they chorused, bowed to him and departed from his presence. I stared numbly after them and then my eyes slowly crawled to look at him. He smiled at me.

"That expression is priceless." He said. "That was what I wanted to say back at the lobby.. and even now.." he tightened his hold on my hand. "I like that look on you". He spoke as he dragged me to his direction not giving me any chance to reply. But what was I going to say? I was overly speechless and numb, if not for his lead, I'd be not just lost but frustrated because the building was too massive with so many rooms and carefree people and with the handful of staff that we crossed paths with, bowing and according subtle appraisal to the man dragging me away. The hallway was to die for, I've never seen such deco in my entire life and in an hallway? The sight made me feel jelly on my legs and all over my body.

We then approached a long double door with the name plate reading "SV". SV? What's that?

"My initials". He response came like a whisper to my ears. I asked that out loud?

"Yes you did", he spoke again. What's happening? I say things even I don't know when I do.

"And before you ask, it means Scott Vatzah." We entered the room as he spoke, an obvious amusement in his voice. Scott.. his name is Scott Vatzah, SV for short. It's.. I don't know, it's overwhelming and I made it obvious.

"You don't have to say anything." He took off his blazers as I took in the features of the room. It screamed luxury and that is me deciding to cut the long descriptive story short. The bed could take like ten of my frame comfortably without any brush of hands and feet or am I the only one whose perspective is on the A level of exaggeration? I moved closer to the glass view, the beautiful scenery of the island all played out like cards and I guess it's one of the perks of being "the boss". I loved it, everything.. I loved it and the way it made me feel. Then instantly, a thought came to me. I turned to look at him and again his eyes were watching me.

"Uhm.." I avoided his piercing gaze. "Are we gonna share a room? This room?" I threw a glance his way.

"Why? You don't want to?" He took a few steps towards me. "I could let you stay here..."

"No I want to." I nervously said as he perked an eyebrow at me. "I mean.. it's fine, w.. we could share.." I stammered. If anything, I'm not permitted to call the shots here.

He came even more close and he's now staring straight at my forehead. " I was gonna say that I could let you stay here if you want to but I won't be confident enough to leave you here alone", he said. "I'll be with you". He whispered and walked away from me. I shivered, dazed from his closeness and the last part of his statement. I wasn't confident to move away from my spot immediately, so my eyes darted across the room to note what to do with myself. He went into another room, came out to pick a towel and immediately winked at me disappearing again. My heart did a double take as I felt its heavy thump against my chest. Will I survive this? Can I? Someone should tell me that I could.. and can survive because I'm already at the point where it'd only take less than a stack of usury to topple me over the high edge of quantum civility after which, the braces of mediocrity will sting and I'll be left with me looking at me in fright and in pieces... A nightmare that embraces me everytime, giving away my impending reality if not addressed with caution.

I can't go down that path, never again. I won't let myself to. Then I sat on the bed feeling overly self conscious. Everything I had dreamt of and wanted as a child, everything I wanted for myself, I mean everything, has been manipulated and destroyed with not a pin to spare. How cruel can my life be? And even more cruel that I live it? This isn't what I envisioned for myself, not even close to what I envisioned as my lot. All the sparkles of light I sought for myself has gone down the drain. I patted my hands to sooth myself, to console myself. I thought I could use an apology from Abel but I wanted more than that, I wanted him to suffer even more than I am, I wanted him to...