Was it worth it

Morning like this, I look back to my past and ask myself "was it worth it? Was I just a fool? Did she ever love me or was it all a lie... maybe all the good memories and happy moments we all in my head, a product of my over imaginative mind, maybe I just conjured up the my wishes and saw them in her even when she was lying in my face

.**********

Three years back.'Mr. Mike opara.... you have been found guilty on the charges of attempted rape and constant abuse of your girlfriend miss Johnson, therefore this court sentence you to three years in prison, your properties would be confiscated after which you would be deported back to your country on that ground of immoral act...........'The balding old white judge read out my verdict. 'But I didn't do it.... I didn't do anything to her , Suzy please tell them the truth for crying out loud' I yell, looking around wildly, why wouldn't they believe me? I never did anything to her, I would never have treated her that way but she sat their, in the first row of the court sit, sniffing and pretending to be I tears and despise.

Till now it still baffles me how she changed so fast, why she would turn against me just because of a little misunderstanding? I thought she was different from the rest, I could vouch she was nothing like those other white women who always victimize their black spouse but once again I was proved wrong about her. Now I only have myself to blame and I wish I had listened to all those warning and stayed away from her. 'Shut up you black ape, you should be happy you got a fair deal instead of rotting behind bars for rest of your miserable life' Mrs. Johnson shuts me up with so much hate and rage in her eyes, she never liked me to begin with and she always made it clear that Suzy deserved better than a 'black ape' like me so I wasn't so hurt by her words, I was used to her demeaning address of me. 'You all have to believe me, I didn't do anything, she tried to force herself on me but I didn't do anything to her!!. 'I argue, screaming loudly at the top of my voice while looking in the direction of the judge and hoping he would see the truth and sincerity in me but he was blinded by sentiment, to him I'm just another black miscreant who assaulted a white and should be prosecuted according to the law for it. Everything happened so fast and I was in a daze, the next thing I knew, my hands where cuffed and I was dragged out of the court room by multitudes of police men who lead me into a waiting van to be taken to prison.... The hell I spent the next two year of my life in misery.*******I spent the next two years of my life in confinement for a crime I never commuted and each day I rued meeting Suzy, I cursed my fate and blamed God for watching me suffer this much... I knew my poor mother back in Nigeria must have gotten a wind of my situation and I can imagine how heartbroken and embarrassed she must be of me... I wished I had listen to her insistent warning to stay away from white girls but I throw her word in the trash as nothing and brought her shame instead. Prison life was rough, tough and hellish but I scaled through. For the first few months I was depressed and lost, I would have killed myself if I had the chance too rather than face the world with misfortune and lost but then three crazy guys came into my life and turned it around real fast. 'Hey buddy! We are going to miss you so much' Joan says, patting me in the back. I never thought I would be saying this but I was going to miss them, miss this prison cell that has become a home for me in the last 24 months... after my terrible ordeal with Suzy, I made up my mind never to have anything to do with whites in my life again, to me they represent nothing but pure bad luck and evil but this three fellow standing in front of me somehow managed to force their way into my life without me realizing it. I will miss you guys too' I replied giving him a hug, Danny and Steve stood far behind with sad smiles, they were happy for me but it doesn't stop us all from being sad. Over the last few months the we have form a strong bind of brotherhood, looking out and being their for each other. 'So you'll be going back to Africa?' "Nigeria i correct Steve who is of the misconception that Africa is a country and that all African speak the same language, he never had the chance to go to school properly because as a young child he was moved from one foster home to the other, his mom was and is still a drunk while his dad abandoned them when he just three years old. Steve took to a life of crime very early in life and became an expert but willingly gave himself up to the police when he realized his life could be in danger from dangerous drug lords who had a score to settle with him. 'Right! Nigeria.... so we will never see you again? 'He asked again. 'Maybe you can come to Nigeria after your prison term 'I try to console him, he was the first person who made it a duty to get to know me regardless of my behaviour towards him. 'If I take a leave out of this place, I would be dead in the next few minutes' He replies casually. "Ooh!' I scratch the back of my head thoughtfully. 'You can write us regularly, Joan would read it to us' Danny is a Mexican with a funny accent, he came here as an illegal immigrants in search of greener pasture, he got arrested for robbing a local store and he has been here since refusing to go back to the street, according to him "I have a roof over my head, and I eat at least twice a day all without paying, what more could I ask for" He's a very funny and lively person who has resigned to fate which is a the exact opposite of Steve with the bad boy vibe. Joan is the most quiet of the group, his story is totally different from our 's. He comes from a middle class family and has been on scholarship all his life all thanks to him being a very bright student, he graduated from college as an honor student and worked for a big insurance firm for a couple of years before he was wrongfully accused of embezzling funds and got jailed. 'Yes, you should write to us, and maybe I would take a trip to Nigeria to see you when I get out' Joan agrees. 'Time's up boys... it's time for the black ape to leave' Officer smith announce, coming into our tiny cell room to crowd it either his bulky figure. He hates blacks so much and he made my life so miserable for the first few months that I was here then I got use to his snide remarks and abuse. 'Its time to go guys, I hope to see you all again' 'Maybe them but not me.... stay safe nigga' Steve says bumping my fist. All the life I tagged the term Nigga as offensive but Steve started calling me that from the first day but never in a demeaning way, in fact it has become some sort of nickname for me .I said my Good bye and was lead away by officer smith to collect what is left of my properties at the prison store. 'Here ape, take your trash' He threw a dirty plastic bag at me, I caught it fast and dig inside to find a a shirt, pair of trouser, sneakers, wrist watch and keys. Those where the things taken from me the day I was arrested at the bar. 'Dress up fast.... a car would be here to take you to the hotel, your flight is due for tomorrow' I couldn't help but thing how fast everything is happening, I was released today and I will be back in Nigeria tomorrow, it leaves a bitter pill in my throat to think of how my fate changes from lucky to being unlucky. 'C'mon move it, I don't have all day ape' He sneers

I came to the United States when I was just seventeen years, fresh out of high school. I still remember feeling so happy and on top of the world when I got the news from my mom that her elder brother wants me to come over and school.... it didn't take long for the news to go round the neighborhood and soon people, families and friends trooped to our house to congratulate me, mom cooked a very big pot of rice and served everyone, it was like a mini fare well party.

All my peers were envious of me, they openly wished to be in my shoes which only made me grow more pompous and proud of my coming accomplishment, I used to walk around with my shoulder up high, forming fake American accent. When I go here, the first thing I noticed was the total difference in the lifestyle unlike the one I was used to back in Nigeria, it took me a while to settle in because I suffered from cultural shock but once that was over, I was up and doing, making friends and fitting in like I belonged all along. I got into college the second year with my third cousin who is a basketball and later got drafted into the NBA College experience was something I would never forget, I studied really hard and had so much fun to balance it up, attending crazy ads frat parties, going for stunts and hiking, visiting casino's and road trips with friends.... I was in a couple of relationship with different girls but it was nothing serious, some people thought of me as a bit of a Casanova but it wasn't so, I'm good looking and girls where always flanking around me and I just couldn't say no, I was enjoying the prime time of my life. It was during this time of my youthful exuberance that I met her.... the woman who later became my downfall, Susanne Johnson Clark. I met her in my final year during a house party, hosted by one bastardly rich Asian guy who was a friend of a friend, the party was going to be the talk of the town and I couldn't miss it for the world... now thinking back to that day, maybe things wouldn't have taken the wrong turn for me if I didn't attend that party despite feeling under the weather that fateful day She was being harassed by a drunk frat boy and being the gentle man I was, I rushed to her rescue and even rode her back to her apartment, some days later she hit me up on social media, asking for us to meet at a small coffee shop on campus and I obliged. I never gave her my number to begin with, she got it from one of her friends who happens to know me through another friend, I was quite popular for a black kid for many reasons so I wasn't surprised

We began meeting more frequently and became good friends, one day on one of our hangouts, she asked me out, asked me to be her boyfriend and I accepted for the fun of it. She's pretty, hot and very smart so I thought why not? What was their to loose? Most surprisingly our relationship lasted years unlike the others, I grew to love her unconditionally even though my family had their reservations about a white daughter in law. I finished college and established myself with the help of my uncle, it didn't take me long to make my first break through as a computer programmer and soon I started my own company. Everything was going well and I was steadily making as name for myself, slowly building the empire of my dream, with my sweat and blood but now it has all gone to waste, all of my properties were confiscated and I was not allowed to live with a single pin, the only thing I have is the cloth on my back and the little stipend given to me by the US government..... everything I worked for went down the drain within the twinkle of an eye.'.......all passengers should please put on their sit belts, we would be landing shortly....' a feminine blare as air hostesses move around to wake sleeping passengers to hook on their seat belts again. I closed my eyes, relaxed back and try really hard to calm my raging nerves.... I travelled out 13 year ago with so much expectation to be one of the greatest men in the history of time but rather I came back a lose, nothing to show for all the years I spent away and it grieves and pierce my heart.

I knew that from here on that things would never be the same for me again, people would laugh at me, scorn me and make fun of me but I'm a survival after all, if a managed to make it through those hellish years of torture in prison then their is nothing worse that can happen. Danny, Joan and Steve have taught me to be strong and optimistic no matter what, their fate wasn't better off mine but those men always life live without regret, they have leant not to dwell on the negativities surrounding them and if I have to survive coming back to my father land, I would have to adopt that mind set and put the past behind me. I made my way to the arrival hall with the other passengers after we landed, unlike the rest I didn't have any luggage to clear out so I just walked towards the exit without a backward look, I knew where I was going from here even though Lagos has become distant in my memory and everything have changed but I never expected for someone to come here for me, didn't tell anyone I had been released and was coming back home. 'Tade! Tade! Tade! 'That voice... so distinctively familiar that I immediately knew who it was though it been years since I last heard it, I turned around in time just as a petite figure jumped into my arms, catching me off guard. 'Tammy! 'I couldn't believe my eyes, my little sister is here at the airport in my arm... who did she get here? How did she know I was coming ''God! Tade, what have does white beast done to my dear brother......'She started crying and caressing my face. 'Tammy it's you!'! II hug her back, letting the tears I didn't know I was holding fall freely, I have missed her so much, missed my mom and every other member of my family. 'Yes it me brother, it me! 'I remained their hugging and crying while passerby shoot is strange looks but neither of us mind them. 'I came to pick you up, thank God I didn't miss you' 'How did you know I have been released? 'I asked as she pulls me out to the parking lot. 'Do you think I would have left with those beast without keeping touch, I have my source and I got to know you were released yesterday, I didn't tell anyone though' I breath a sigh of relive at the last part of her statement. 'I knew you would want some time to yourself first before facing everyone... no pressure Bro, just let me know when you're ready' 'Thank you, thank you so much Tammy' I hug her again feeling overwhelmed by her love and care... I didn't know what to expect from my family when I got back but I was scared of their judging me wrongly.... so fat my little sister have managed to kill that fear in me, I didn't see any look of judgement in her face and that ease my heart. We got into the her car, an Honda and she started driving off. 'Can you help me locate a very cheap hotel where I could stay for the main time' 'Hotel! Are you kidding me.... why would you want to stay in stay hotel? 'I have no where else you go' 'You have somewhere to go.... you are staying with me and that is final.....''But Tammy......''No objections Bro.....'

Six months later

'What would you like to ma'am' I ask, twirling the pen in between my fingers while holding the note pad for taking orders in my other palm 'You!

''Pardon?"

I pretend not to have heard her the first time, maintaining a professional look with a bit of frown.

'You heard me Tad'

She replies giggling, opening ogling me without shame.... I almost shrank away, disgusted by her audacity.

'First of all, my name is Tade not Tad. Secondly you can't have me cause I'm not on the menu so save us the stress of going back and forth' She sighs dreamily and licks her lips, looking me over.

'Such a shame.... you're one hot piece of cake, but with a very boring personality she flips her long blond hair over her shoulder 'Thank you! 'That was not a compliment though 'She adds drily picking up the menu like it a piece of trash.... she does this all the time and it gets on my nerves like mad but I have to maintain my cool in other to maintain my job.*********Starting all over again wasn't easy, I knew this but nothing prepared me for all the hardship I faced in upon my return. I stayed with Tammy for the first three months, her husband was in Ghana on a business trip so it wasn't awkward living with her and her little kids, no one knew I got back until after two weeks of my arrival when mom paid a surprise visit to Tammy and I stupidly open the door without thinking to checking who it was... she almost had an heart attack seeing me. As expected their was another round of tears and emotional moments, she was very mad at me and Tammy for keeping my arrival a secret from her and didn't talk to us for weeks, it took insistent begging for her to let go of her anger and grudge. Soon everyone in the family found out and even those from my old neighbor where mom still lives, then the rumor and bad mouthing started.... it got so bad that I would lock myself up in the house for days, I was scared to come out and face their hurtful words and it started taking a toil on mentality. Tammy came to my rescue again this time. After about two months of staying with her, she came back one evening and broached the topic of me getting a job. 'Who would want to employ an ex convict like me? 'Have thought of it a couple of time and it only saddens me the more 'Please stop being pessimistic, you have to get your life back on track or people won't stop bad mouthing you, you have to show them how strong you are by moving on 'She got me a job in less than a month after our discussion, a colleague of hers' was quitting to open up a restaurant in a remote village which is fast becoming a tourist destination, it was a very nice plan so Tammy spoke to her on my behalf, luckily she didn't have a problem with my past, infarct she sympathized with me because one of her cousins had gone through something similar. I got the Job and started working here for the past three months, it was a new change being away from people who know my story and never miss and opportunity to taunt me, here no one knows me and I was starting afresh and getting my life back on track. Everything was going well and the restaurant was moving really well, even more than we expected but peace and tranquility never lasts long, about two weeks ago another nerve wreaking white woman came into my life but this time nothing would make me repeat the mistake of my past.

*********

10:00pm'......... I need you to make a list of all the food items need and send it to the supplier by tomorrow.....'She says, flipping through the account book 'Okay ma'am......'I reply, pulling of the strong of my apron to get to work. 'It Sandra not ma'am..... and you don't have to do it now, it late and you should get some rest after the day hard work 'Today was a very busy day for us, the restaurant was packed full to the brim and I had to work double shifts because some of the waiters were a absent from work. 'Okay Sandra.......''And yes.... thank you very much for today' 'It's nothing, I was only doing my job which you paid for' Sandra is a really cool boss and I enjoy working with her, Tammy was sure I won't regret getting this job and she was right about it .'Have you had anything to eat?' 'Na..... not hungry' 'I'm not going to have that, Tammy will have my head if anything should happen to you' I laugh knowing she wasn't bluffing, Tammy threatened her to take care of me or she would come after her. Sandra packed enough food to feed a family and handed it too me, she does this all the time despite my protest that I can't finish half of it. 'Good night!' She waves me off. I started walking back to my little self con apartment, it was very dark and late and everyone had gone to bed already, unlike in Lagos and new York, the people of this little town always go to bed very early so you hardly find anyone out this late. But for the last few days, I always get this nagging feeling that someone is following me. Who's there?' I stopped and looked in the direction of where I heard footsteps... no one answered for a while and I was about walking away when the stalker made herself known 'Hey Tad!' She calls, coming out of the shadows 'You again? 'The blond white girl. 'Have you been stalking me? ''Yeah.... and it's really so fun 'She came towards me still maintaining that sickening smile, I move out of the way before her hands could touch me. 'what do you want?' "you! 'She keeps saying this every time and it irritates me.... Suzy use to act the same way and I hate anything that reminds me of her, i scoff and turn away from her. I sigh 'It late already, don't you think it dangerous walking around aimlessly little miss blond' 'Oh... so now we're on nickname base, "little miss blond", it sound kinky, I like that' 'Go back to your lodge, it late already 'I dismiss her like a child.... in my opinion she shouldn't be more than 19 or 20, just an hormonal teenager who wants a steamy romance with a stranger... effect of too much movies. 'Maybe you should escort me back, I think I missed my way.....''No you didn't....''C'mon Tad, how can you let me walk all the way back to the lodge, what if something happens to me? 'This girl is bent on driving me crazy, the more I try to keep her at arm length the more determined she is to I trust in my life... she came into town with a couple of her college friends some two weeks back and they came to the restaurant for lunch during my shift so I attended to them, I notice she kept staring and smiling at me seductively and since then she always come everyday and request for me to always be the one to attend to her, sometimes she would wait for almost an hour for my shift time just so I will be the one to serve her.

My Co workers are beginning to talk and gossip especially kemi, they even started calling her my girlfriend and nothing I say would make them believe I have nothing to so with her. 'I didn't drag you out here so find your way back'

'But Tad.....'I walk off not bothering to listen to what she has to say. I know girls like her, spoilt rich kids who east things to go their way all the time, just like Suzy .I'm finally getting my life back on track after so long and I don't need her type barging into my life again, I'm going to keep my distance not matter what, I would never allow her meddle with my life no matter how obstinate she is.