WEIRD FEELING

I stared at my reflection as I slowly stroke my eyebrows into waves with a small comb. I must confess I look quite feminine with my fair complexion, my small eyes, thick eyebrows that are well curved, and eyelashes that bash lightly. My tall and scrawny figure makes it more of a girl in a boy's body. I dropped my comb as I suddenly started feeling emotions seeping down my body, sad and happy ones at that.

I am sad because I will be leaving my former school, my old friends, classmates, and teachers. I am happy because I get to attend my elder brother's former school which happens to be one of the best schools in the state.

"Brother Michael, my dad calls for you," the voice of my younger brother Mark jolted me out of my thoughts. I smiled sweetly at him giving him a reply that I would join them soon. I slowly packed my bag and headed downstairs.

My parents have tried to convince me to attend my brother's school but I had refused politely. I changed my mind 'out of the blues' the night my brother graduated from Secondary School and they were quite pleased with my response. I am the only one that knew the reason behind my change of heart.

Whenever I think about the fact that I had a kind of liking for the same-sex makes me wonder why I was developing that kind of feeling.

I had this type of same-sex admiration, as I call it on three different boys. I decided to change my environment hoping the so-called admiration I am having will stop.

I opened my dad's car and sat down quietly wondering how my new life would be in Beatitude College, my new school. We were caught in a little traffic as I looked outside the car window only to see two students whose hands hung around each other's shoulders.

I smiled bitterly knowing fully well that I cannot be in such proximity with boys. I just wish I can make contact with them without feeling any kind of sensation or sparks especially when around the handsome ones.

I sulked in my breath when a little event of how I had my first admiration.

I was the class captain of my class(S.S.S1) and I just concluded giving out instructions to the Sciences, Arts, and Commercial students on that very day. Aishat, one of the sassy girls in my class threw a tantrum claiming I was too forward because I went for our next subject's teachers immediately after our general class. I was shocked and being a gentle and shy person, I just controlled my anger and ignored her even when some students were supporting her.

Kabir, one of the commercial students came to me and defended me stating confidently that no one could perform the role I held as a Class Captain.

I could still remember how his right hand hung around my shoulder and I could not help but feel the sparkle in my body as I admired his handsome figure. To cut the long story short, I ended up imagining that very little moment when he stood up for me. I found myself wishing for more moments we can share.

The second admiration was a strange one as I found myself fascinated by the angry look on Daniels's face. His angry look drew me more than I expected that I sometimes feel like touching his handsome face when he is angry. Every fantasy I had about him kept zoning in and out of my imagination lane.

A new student with a cute smile, exotic high cheekbones, and a narrow straight nose that perfected his looks caught me in another trance.

His abs were obvious from his school shirt that I sometimes feel like touching but my conscience kept making me think.

As much as I love the tingling that happens to me, I still feel something overwhelming surrounding it. To think why I suddenly started drifting into 'my so-called admiration fantasy' makes my stomach churn with different emotions that I cannot decipher.

I always pray silently for a way to control my thinking and I am grateful my prayers are answered in one way or the other.

We finally arrived at the school as I made my way to the School Administrative block to collect some things. I have been to this school during the previous extra coaching lesson and I must confess it was an interesting adventure for me.

I never had any kind of admiration but only felt concerned for some boys who would not stop displaying their taunts even when the teachers were teaching.

They always say 'There is no institution without bad eggs. This left me in a situation as I could not help but try to figure out the life of a boy. He always plays and likes to have fun according to my observation.

I could not help but place him as a chameleon since he constantly changes his behaviors and looks. I think I should mind my business and continue to be the sweet and gentle Michael that I am known for.

After collecting my necessary stuff and completing all formalities which took close to an hour, I could not help but panic a little because I was late.

I bid my dad goodbye as I strode gently to my new class which would be S.S.S 2Alpha(Senior Secondary School 2) meant for the Science students.

As I took each step, I felt a wave of sensation clouding my body, a little bit of nervousness accompanying it. I felt like stopping but the words of my mum before leaving for her workplace knocked at the back of my mind.

"Michael, your classmates are just like you. Do not feel shy or uneasy when you are with them. You have female attributes, do not try to hide them. Be free, keep calm and go along with the flow," she counseled when I informed her about the disturbing factor in my mind.

My face brightened up a bit as I meditated on those words. I knew few students in my soon-to-be class, so I should not worry. I should just keep calm and hope for the best,' I thought reassuringly, feeling more confident.

I entered my new class and all my eyes darted in my direction. The teacher turned away from the whiteboard as his gaze landed on me.

Mr Williams, the English teacher apparently, taught us during the extra coaching lesson. Dressed in black trousers, a sky blue shirt, and a black bow tie which complimented his looks. I must confess he looks like a teenager who got a handsome look.

"Good Morning sir, I am sorry for being late," I said.

"Goodmorning Michael. Class, welcome Michael, he is a new student. I hope you will make him feel at school," Mr. Williams announced as the whole class said a welcome greeting.

"Welcome to Beatitude College, a place where you learn to be a generational leader," they all chorused and I felt delighted.

I breathe out gently, as I made a short prayer in my mind that I will enjoy my stay here. I could only hope that this WEIRD FEELING would not haunt me again.

I put on a bright countenance as a small smile made its way to my mouth.

"Good Morning to you all. My name is Oyedele Michael. Nice to meet you", I greeted them as they all responded with "same to you."

Mr. Williams directed me to sit in the fourth row with someone to share the English textbook with. I am yet to get my textbooks as my dad received the school email recently that I was given admission.

I pulled a chair and moved to the fourth row as my gaze landed on the person I would share a textbook with. Reality struck me when I realized he was the same guy I was thinking about this morning.

I sat down staring at the comprehension passage that was being read but my mind drifted to the person beside me. He is a 'psycho' but his facial expression looks calm and gentle. I could not help but conclude that he is a pretender or player. I could still remember all the pranks he pulled off during the extra lesson coaching. Not doing his assignments, running like a gazelle, and displaying all sorts of taunts.

I glanced slightly at him and could not help but compliment his side view. His cologne smell filled my nostril, a good mixture of sandalwood patchouli and cardamon.

I broke out of the trance as I noticed we were in the last paragraph of the comprehension passage. The bell rang, signifying the end of the first period. Mr. Williams gave us the comprehension passage as an assignment which has to be submitted the next morning.

The next class started not quite long after Mr. Williams left the class. The classes continued, not until the long break when we are expected to eat and rest for 45 minutes.

I moved to the first row, as directed by the class teacher. I was facing a girl who happens to be quite jovial from my point of view. We have not even talked but I felt like making friends with her.

My mind went back to the incident that happened during the chemistry class. I could feel my heart pounding as I started the periodic law during chemistry class. The teacher suggested I have a nickname since I answered the question, thereby saving them from ending up on the school farm.

All thanks to Quadri, one of the naughtiest students, I now have nicknames like Hero, Michaelangelo, Erudite, Elite, and Prof.

I raised my head a little, as a frown crept to my face when I made a mistake with my drawing. I was thinking too much

"Hey, lend me your eraser," I asked the girl in front of me who I have been yearning to converse with.

"The magic word," her voice resounded back to me leaving me in a confused state not until I figured out what she meant.

I chuckled lightly and said "Please," before she gave me her eraser.

"Hey, I am Rachael, Oyedele right?" she asked as she turned to face me. I was surprised she called me by my surname and not by the new nicknames some of my new classmates are beginning to address me with.

"Yes, I am Oyedele Michael, and you are?" I said

"I am Obayemi Rachael. You look like Senior Matthew, just that you are much taller than him. Are you perhaps his brother?" she asked looking straight into my eyes.

I thought the resemblance is quite obvious and she could probably have guessed from the surname', I thought.

"Oh, Senior Matthew was kind of gentle, and till this moment, I only know his first name," she added as if she was reading my thoughts.

"Yeah, I am his younger brother," I said

"It is quite obvious, both of you are gentle from both looks and characters," she stated as I forced a smile while she revealed her beautiful set of white teeth.

"Hmm," I breathe out staring at Rachael.

"Ah! I am just joking around with you. Don't mind me. I knew all along that you were his younger brother," she confessed and I smiled brightly. She is sure a drama queen,' I thought

Our conversation continued and I must confess Rachael was quite a good person. She was not phony but spoke interestingly. She later introduced me to a friend of hers. Her name was Gloria and she did not stop complimenting my physical features especially my eyebrows and eyelashes. She claimed I looked like a girl with my look. Well, it was not in a bad way, let me just say she admired my looks.

My first day in this wonderful school no doubt brought beautiful tidings to my heart. The well-structured buildings left me drooling. The laboratories were awesome with science equipment properly arranged. I also made some friends with Rachael, Joshua who are Science students, and Gloria who happened to be an Arts student.

It was a great day for me because I never felt that weird imagination that engulfs me whenever I admire a boy. I only felt pity for the boy I sat

down with earlier, he displayed his fun side today.

****************

I stood in front of my new school and I could not help but admire the beautiful structure, colored with blue and white which improved its beautiful scenery. I strode gently holding my younger brother's hand who kept giving me a pep talk on staying calm and not thinking too much about my new uniform.

It was my second day in Beatitude College as I was putting on a sky blue short sleeve with a pink pair of trousers, black socks, and black shoes to match. My imagination sense kept visualizing how some students are prying their eyes on me even though that was based solely on my imagination.

"Brother Michael, be confident and do not get too nervous. You rock in this uniform" my brother said as he patted my shoulder before leaving for his class. I breathed in and out, as I headed upstairs toward my classroom.

The corridor was full of students who were in pairs of two or three. I summoned courage as I walked down the corridor. I could feel some eyes turn in my direction, as whispers filled the air.

"He looks like Senior Matthew". " The school uniform fitted him".

"Not bad, he looks calm and gentle".

They kept murmuring, making me hasten my footsteps. I entered my new class and met Rachael as she complimented my new look. The assembly rang after 15 minutes and I felt glued to my seat.

I felt quite nervous to go to the assembly ground. 'Maybe I should not go' I thought. 'You are meant to obey the rules and that includes attending the assembly', my subconscious reminded me.

I thought for some seconds as I made my way to the assembly, praying silently for the stares I was receiving to reduce. 'I feel uncomfortable inside' I thought.

The assembly ground was crowded, as I made my way to where my classmates stood. I became lost in the decor, as I admired how the students are well dressed in their neat and well-ironed uniforms. I pay accolades to the person who designed the beautiful colors of the uniform.

The beautiful drawings and decorations on the platform were lovely, with beautiful flowers, charts, and pictures to add more beauty to it.

" Michael, stand behind Khaleed for the assembly, you are taller," the voice of Mr. Williams broke me out of my reverie as I slowly made my way to the back of the supposed student.

The assembly started and I marveled at the activities performed on the platform. My eyes drifted to the person in front of me as I gape at his backside.

The figure in front of me is tall and has a slender body, a nice set of legs. His hair was well cut, as it curled. I could not take my eyes off him.

I felt my stomach churn, as a gust of air blew making me develop goosebumps. That was when I felt a DEJA VU. Reality struck me, the same things keep happening again.

The past two months have not been an easy one for me. Apart from reading, stress, academics, and the likes, the admiration I had for Khaleed has been a 'thorn in the flesh'.

Yes, I have had a liking for him since the second day of my schooling. His backside that I saw during the assembly that day sent my body trickling with different emotions.

The fact that I eventually saw his facial features and front view makes my stomach churn with different sensations I cannot decipher. The mixed classes did not help matter as that only makes my imaginations go wild. His well-curved eyebrows, full pink lips, and bobbing Adam's apple are part of those features that are unwilling to leave my head.

I have tried countless times to stop thinking about him but it seems quite impossible, especially when I virtually see him every day. As much as I can distinguish between what is right and wrong, I do not know whether all the feelings I have for the same sex are normal or absurd.

Curiosity got the best of me as I searched using my dad's phone about admiration for the same sex. The only point I could relate to was that admiration might occur if you like a particular celebrity. I gave up on my search when I realized that the people I have 'admired' (If that is the right word to use), are not celebrities but my classmates.

Admiration is said to be a positive emotion filled with high regard, esteem, or adoration for someone. All that my mind could bring into a conclusion was that of adoration even though what I felt was based mostly on their physical features. Admiration is a positive feeling but I cannot help but feel some negative vibes with it as if everything happening to me is weird.

I cannot figure the real meaning of what has been happening to me, I am so confused. I breathe out as I try to solve a particular riddle in my head.

My mind traveled back to the times I had admired the same sex. I tried to reason with what probably triggered the admiration. I have admired four different boys and they are all handsome,' I thought trying to figure out something.

Kabir, being the first person, has a good personality, a good brain, and is funny too.

I felt a tap on my shoulder jolting me out of my daze, a frown building on my face at the intruder, as I turned my head. "You have been thinking too much, Michael," the voice of Gloria settled as she pokes my nose. The frown disappeared immediately as I flashed her a smile which she frowned at. "You love smiling, don't you? I will advise you not to be late to the Civic Class so that you would not be in today's lesson," she said, which made me laugh as we raced to the school hall meant for mixed classes.

I paced my breathing as my eyes ran through the hall, before Gloria and I found our way to join Rachael who was reading a book.

I sat down, as the two girls, Gloria and Rachael began to gist. My eyes scanned the hall, which was filled with my classmates. The noise was on a high pitch as mutterings, talkings, and murmurings filled the air. My gaze landed on Joshua, whose lanky body was sitting on a chair, his legs crossed.

My gaze shifted to the other boys, which included Khaleed sitting in his handsome glory. His back slightly resting on the chair, his legs spread with a smile plastered on his lips, as his pink lips made a nice curve. His eyes met with mine, as he now bows his head a little before smiling at me. An act that I had become used to, as the boys deemed doing it as a form of respect to me. I let out a smile, my face turned crimson. My gaze landed on my book, which I pretended to keep staring at to pass time, and maybe remove my thought from Khaleed.

The Civic teacher came in as few students gave a disgruntled look at the sound at her arrival, probably for cutting their conversation, which was noise-making.

The Civic teacher, who is a woman in her late 20's is the real definition of charisma, filled with a lot of talking ability. 'She can talk for Africa'. As much as some find her uninteresting, I find her explanation quite fascinating.

She cleared her throat as she glared at us. "Just one minute and you guys are already making noise, huh. Are you babies?" her face twisted showing a disappointed look. I glanced slightly around as some of my classmate's faces were waiting to burst out of laughter. 'Ok, this is bad, 'I thought.

"And you Michael, I thought you were responsible enough to keep them shut," she said as her face landed on me. I thought I was invisible. I have only spent like 2 months in this school. I bow my head slightly, as my eyes could not meet hers.

"We are sorry ma," the voice of some girls sounded through the hall. I raised my head as the same set of girls kept repeating the same words, to pacify our Civic teacher.

"Mtcheew, sorry for yourself. Keep behaving like babies," she said as she turned to face the board to write.

I couldn't help but twist my mouth into a tiny smile, at how easily she calmed down.

She continued the class talking about Democracy. She won't stop stating how Democracy was not put into good practice in Nigeria. She is sure of being a drama queen.

The class came to an end as most of my classmates trooped out of the hall for a break. I sat down going through my Civic notes since I did not feel a longing to eat. Rachael and Gloria left as well.

After a few minutes of checking my notes, my head turned in the direction of chattering and laughter among some boys. They include Joshua(my male bestie), Khaleed(the person I secretly admire), Quadri(the naughtiest boy in my class), and Paul(our class captain). I felt a wave of nervousness descend on me as I stared back at my book.

The truth is I am always close to the opposite sex than the same sex. When my former English teacher at my previous school placed a ban on seeing me with the girls, I tried to mingle with the boys. It did not end well as any time I spent with the boys, any direct or indirect contact with them breeds nervousness, shyness, and sweaty palms. I will often blush at small comments they made especially when with the person I have a liking for. # WEIRD SYSTEM. I have been familiar with Joshua, Paul, and Quadri, hopefully, which will make me less shy around them.

"Hey Michael, would you like to join us? We want to play a game," Joshua called out to me, jolting me back to earth as I turned swiftly to face them.

"Sure, why not?" I said trying to build confidence in myself as I moved to sit down with them.

"Hero, hero, welcome sir," Quadri said as I rolled my eyes, which he smirked at. I felt Joshua's right hand around my neck as I tried to relax a little bit under his arms.

"What is the game about," I summoned the little courage to face Khaleed, who is in front of me. I could feel my body heat up as my gaze met with his.

"It is titled 'A LITTLE GAME," Khaleed stated.

"Oh, that sounds promising, tell me more about it,' I found myself talking quite well which made me wonder why I was not feeling shy.

" Well, each one of us will ask a general question, and we all have to answer," he said and I nodded.

"I told you it is lame. Hero won't even like it," Paul commented as I arch my eyebrows. "I like the game. Trust me, Paul, you will like it. Can I start first," I raised my left hand as they all nodded.

I glanced slightly at the person In front of me as the only question that flashed through my mind was to know more about his personality and principles to judge the 'so-called admiration I have for him,".

I cleared my throat ready to ask a question "What do you admire most about yourself or your personality?" I asked as they started mumbling about who to answer the question first. I raised my hand signifying that I will go first.

"Even though I am gentle, I do not like to pretend. In short, what I like about my personality is my transparency," I explained as Quadri gave out a small clap which I scoffed at, as he winks at me.

Others spoke as well and Khaleed was the last person to talk. Khaleed scratched his head as he kept looking at me.

"Ok, speak on. I don't bite," I said as he chuckled.

"What I love about my personality is that I am a player," he blurted out raising his hands dramatically. The shout of 'THE BAD BOY' rented through the air, making him smile. They started clasping each other's hands wearing those stupid smiles on their faces.

I felt my throat dry up instantly as I just stared at him, wondering whether he was just joking. I felt a piercing in my body, as disdain built in my body. I felt anger gushing down my body, (which I hid well), at the number of girls he had played.

'I only admired a player. I am stupid,' I told my inner self. He was nothing but a player. I fell for a player.