Until You Call Again

I take one last look at the love of my life as he makes his way out of my apartment to go see the love of HIS life. He waves me goodbye and blows me a kiss I happily catch then I smile at his smile. It makes my heart skip a beat and he knows it.

"Bye Nugget," he says then disappears into the night.

It's been 10 years, 8 months, 65 days and counting. He says that I'm confused.

"You don't allow yourself to be loved," he always says to me, maybe he's right. But that's because my heart already belongs to him.

I try not to talk about it a lot because I fear pushing him away. My biggest fear is not having him in my life. So I swallow my feelings just so he's more comfortable in the friendship.

Tristan Brady is my best friend of many years. We met in high school when he'd asked me to tutor him.

I wasn't always into him. In fact, for a while I couldn't stand him. He was a walking cliché and I'd called him out on it.

He'd been shocked because no one had ever spoken to him like that before. He said that everyone always kissed his ass because he was popular. I'd asked him what was wrong with people wanting to be his friends and he'd responded saying they wanted the popularity, not him. He'd had many friends but no one really knew him. I'd realized I was completely wrong about him.

We'd hang out at his house after school and sometimes at mine. He says I'm the yin to his yang and there's simply no him without me. I feel the same way. Except I'm also completely and madly in love with him. For years now.

I've seen him change from being the biggest man whore I knew to falling in love and being monogamous. He's been with Meghan for almost a year now.

He came to my place to tell me he's ready to introduce her to his parents and that he'd like me to be there. Of course I'll be there. I'll be anywhere he wants me to be.

I look through my steamy window the following morning on the cold day of July and contemplate calling in sick for work. Being an accounts administrator for one of the top CAs in the country is just about as dull as it sounds. It's quite literally doing the dirty work while he takes the credit. Like being a nurse. I sigh then make my way to the shower after deciding against not going. My boss would kill me and still call me to come to work.

The wind not so gently touches my skin making me wince in displeasure as I run to my car in the parking lot. The soft calming voice of Alessia Cara fills the car as I turn it on.

"One day, the thought of him won't hurt the same." I sing as I navigate my way through traffic.

"Won't need distractions to get through the day." People always complain about the traffic in South Africa, I prefer it. It's a much needed time to myself.

"I guess I hope I'm gonna be okay," I turn off my car heater, it's making me sweat through my eyes.

"Cause I'm not today." I pull up to my work place, take a deep breath then make my way into the building.

I'm not a very popular person. Not because I'm shy, I just prefer to linger in the background. I'm the girl you always see at work or at the grocery store but know nothing about.

I pass the busy main reception, say hello to a few familiar faces then make my way to the small coffee shop on the ground floor.

"Hi Mia, the usual?" the sweet barista asks rhetorically already working on the order. I return the smile then greet back as we engage in small talk. "Alrighty, one cup of espresso and one cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows," he says as he hands me my usual order. I pay, thank him then hurry myself onto the elevator, almost missing it but a kind stranger stops it for me.

"Which floor?"

"It's already pressed," I answer him with a smile, not making eye contact. He notices this and smiles too. The elevator doors open and I speed walk my way into my boss's office.

"Morning Mr Romano," I greet sweetly but was met with silence so I just put his espresso on his desk and have a sit across from him like I do every morning. I watch him concentrate on the computer screen as I wait for him to brief me. I wonder what goes on in his head. The man is a genius but wasn't blessed much with manners. As if feeling my stare, he raises his head to say, "That'll be all thanks," then goes along with his work, completely disregarding my existence. Nothing new.

I then stand up to leave but my hot chocolate was sent flying through the air after my collision with a muscular figure. "Damn it Mia! Can you just look where you're going?" I hear my boss shout from behind me as I close my eyes in humiliation, ignoring the burn in my chest caused by the hot drink that landed there. I quickly apologize to the stranger then rush out of the office to my desk.

The day goes by fast. My boss drops paperwork for me to sort out every now and then. I have about a million other things I'm having to do but I don't mind the busy. It takes my attention away from my ranting mind.

Before I know it the day's over and I make my way onto the busy roads of the peak hours in Johannesburg.

"Oh, you don't know what sadness means," Alessia Cara sings, I always feel like she talks to my soul.

"'Til you're too sad to fall asleep," I look outside my window after stopping at a red light. A lady looking too unwell to be standing on the side of the road asks for change and I hand her a few coins.

"One day, I'll be snoozin' peacefully," I decide I'm going to have McDonald's for dinner as I turn onto the road leading there.

"But surely not today," I beg my heart to slow down. "Surely not today," the song ends and I decide to listen to something a little more upbeat to change my mood.

I enter my freezing apartment after a long day at work, immediately switching on the heater and heading into the shower. I close my eyes as the warm water travels down my cold body, massaging it. I feel him standing behind me.

He kisses my neck and draws circles on my nipples as I moan in pleasure. He turns me around and grabs my butt roughly making me flinch in satisfaction as I stand on my tiptoes to meet his lips. He tastes like a dream.

His lips move back to my neck and I turn my head slightly to allow him access. I feel his hard length on my thigh as he pushes his body against mine. He slowly moves his hand down from my chest, to my abdomen and eventually reaches my soft, wet folds and starts rubbing in a circular motion. I then grab his hard member and start stroking, slowly. He moans in approval then crashes his lips to mine again. His kisses are now hungry and urgent. He barely gives me time to recover before entering me. Rough, fast, deep. Our moans are in sync. He's the base to my harmony. I feel my climax nearing as I moan louder. His strides are faster and needy, I barely survive it as my legs go weak and my insides spill out. He follows suit.

I open my eyes after my episode then slide down the shower walls to sit on the floor. I imagine him kissing my forehand and letting me put my head on the crook of his neck, holding me lovingly. I sit there for a while before coming back to reality. He's probably with her right now. Holding HER lovingly. I have to accept that one day. But Not Today.

Mrs Brady is a sweetheart. She takes time to get to know people instead of just judging them by how they look. She's been like a mother to me for as long as I've known her and I feel indebted to her. I sometimes fear that her personality doesn't always allow her to see the bad because she's always looking for the good in people.

So as we're all sitting and relishing in the savory meal she prepared, I see her conversing with Meghan. She touches her arm as they laugh and her smile lights up the room. She likes her. I was afraid of that.

Meghan is not a bad person, she's just a bad person for Tristan. He is all party, alcohol and weed on the outside, but all computers, books and ted talks on the inside. She on the other hand models for a living. She's beautiful yes! but she doesn't seem to have much depth to her. Tristan likes substance, that's why I'd been surprised when he introduced me to her. I thought it was just a moment's thing - just like with the others, until he told me he'd fallen in love with her. You can imagine my shock at that.

"Mia darling, are you alright there? You've barely said a word," the older lady sings in her thick Irish accent. She makes everything sound so fancy.

"I'm just enjoying this incredible meal Shauna, you've really put your heart into it," I say making sure not to call her Mrs Brady as I will not hear the end of it. She smiles sweetly and thanks me then continues her talk with Meghan.

Everyone seems to like her. Tristan's stern dad who I'm still not sure likes me and his ever sarcastic sister who basically hates everything in existence seem to have warmed up to her. I can't help but wonder if I don't like her because I don't want to. Maybe I've judged her before getting to know her.

"Yea I feel like if you're not gonna do your nails then what's the point you know?" Meghan says, reminding me why we're not and will never be friends. Everyone laughs at her comment and I sit here wondering if they've lost it.

She talks about how passionate she is about her job and how she loves that she gets to travel the world because of it and I can't help but envy her. It must be nice to do something you absolutely love for work. When I was young I wanted to be a writer but was told it wasn't sustainable and I couldn't make a living off of it. So I had to study something that would guarantee me a job after. I have a well paying job and I'm able to afford things most people can't but I still wonder what life would've been like had I followed my heart and did what I loved.

Later that evening Tristan takes me for a stroll around the neighborhood. He holds my hand and it brings me a sense of nostalgia. When my parents died from a freak accident back in high school he took me for a walk. I kept telling him that was the last thing I wanted but he'd insisted. We'd walked quietly feeling the the wind blow against our skin.

There was something comforting about being outside when everyone else was inside. The reality that I was left all alone hadn't yet set in and I just felt numb. He held my hand and led me to an empty sports field where we just sat on one of the bleachers. He still held on to my hand as we stared at nothing in particular. That's when the tears came down, one after the other. He held on to me really tight and told me that he would always be there for me, and that he would never leave me. He kept his word all those years.

"It's freezing," I say scolding him as we continue our walk in the dark.

"Yes I know genius," he responds getting on my nerves.

"Then why the damn are we out here? I swear to god Tristan," I threaten but he just laughs it away.

"I feel like I don't see you enough anymore, I miss you and I wanted to steal you away for a bit," he says with a pout.

"I guess that's inevitable isn't it? You've got someone now," I say making him stop in his tracks.

"About that..." he trails of. He almost says something but stops himself and pulls something from his pocket instead.

He then opens the small box as I pray that what's inside is not what I think it is. But alas, words fail me as I stare at the gigantic diamond attached to a silver band. I feel my world collapse. The numbness I felt the last time he took me on a walk returns as I beg my tears not to come out. He's going to propose.

"I know she's not your most favorite person in the world. Or at all," he starts, making me smile through the sadness.

"But how I feel for her I've never felt for anyone. Ever." he trails off. "I'm ready. I've been ready for a while now," he says now looking at the ring.

"Nugget, your approval means the world to me. I want to do this but I need you to be okay with it."

Tristan is the kind of man who's not afraid to be vulnerable. Someone asked me once why I'd fallen for him. Easy, his heart. Tristan is the most selfless person that I know. He gives and gives and expects nothing in return, that's not always a good thing as he would often be taken for granted. He is standing in front of me and asking for my permission to marry the love of his life. How can I ever say no to that?

In that moment I felt myself understand the true meaning of love. In a perfect world, he would be mine and we would live happily ever after. But in reality, he loves someone else and he wants to marry her. This is the part where I have to love him enough to let him go.

So I look at my best friend right in his eyes and say ,"You're getting married!" before I hug him like I'll never see him again.

I stare at my computer screen as the thin line blinks for me to start typing. My heart is beating a mile a minute and my head is on a rampage. I shut my eyes tight and take a deep breath to keep myself from going crazy. In and out. And then it starts, just as I remember it. The words slip through my fingers like a song I know all too well. One word after the other, never ending. It's been so long that the feeling is so alien. I missed this.

I finish a chapter in no time and find myself sighing in satisfaction. Writing has always been my calm through the storm. My drug.

I save the draft and get ready to start my day. Mondays aren't that great but I decide I'm going to have a good day. A better day.

I haven't seen nor spoken to him in over three months. I needed time and he respected that. I heard the proposal went great and I'm happy for him, I really am. His happiness has always been the most important thing to me.

"Healing and patience are lovers." I sing at the top of my lungs as I back my car out of the driveway.

"Don't place the blame on your heart, just to shut 'em up," Alessia Cara continues to sing to my heart, she does that a lot.

"There ain't a rush to recover," people stare at me funny as I make my way out of my apartment building but I don't care. I guess they're not used to seeing me ... happy?

"'Cause it's easier said, it's easier said than done." The song ends and I decide to drive the rest of the way in silence. Three whole months of crying and self-pity might have actually helped. I mean saying I'm over him is completely pushing it but the time off from him made me focus on me.

I finally confronted the huge baggage on my back that I'd been carrying for all those years. I can't even blame him because it's all my fault. I made myself believe that the only happiness that exists in this world for me is if we're together. I never allowed myself to make new friends because I told myself he's the only person I needed.

When I first started seeing my therapist two months ago, she'd asked me to name people I have the most interactions with. The list hadn't been shocking to just her and what we'd agreed on that day was that I was going to be more open in meeting new people.

I didn't try much if I'm being honest.

As I make my way into my office building this hot morning of October, I feel like a brand new person. I stop and ask my colleagues how their weekend was as opposed to mumbling hellos in passing.

My smile barely leaves my face as I chat with Mpho, the barista. I order a Mocha-chino for myself and he looks at me like I'd grown a third eye. I explain to him that I'm trying something new and that seems to shock him even more.

"Well someone's in a good mood today," I hear a voice sound from behind me while I wait for my order.

"Good Morning Mr Romano," I greet my jerk of a boss sarcastically.

"Mr Romano is my father. Please, call me Jake," he says seemingly unfazed by my sarcasm.

"Nope. Mr Romano will do just fine thanks," I say silently praying my order is ready. It's not.

He gives me a smirk and pulls a chair beside him for me to sit and I happily decline. I look behind me and Mpho is holding my order so I make my way back to him instead.

I take a sip of my Mocha-chino and cringe as I make my way onto the elevator. Change is not always good but it's necessary.

Just as the elevator doors are about to shut, I see a figure running towards it but I let it close. Oops I mouth. I'd be damned if I stop the elevator for that monstrosity.

He thinks because he stopped it once for me we're cool. Well he's also the reason behind my dropping a very hot cup of hot chocolate all over myself in front of my old boss, so spoiler alert, we're not cool.

Mr Romano senior went on a surprise retirement a few weeks ago, leaving us with his douche of a son. All he does is sleep with everyone in the office and makes my life a living hell.

He makes me do all the work while he does whatever he does when he's supposed to be working. I'm convinced being an asshole runs in that family.

I decide I'm not going to let him ruin my good mood as the elevator doors open and I head to my desk to do what I was hired for.

I manage to completely ignore his existence throughout the week. I've found it makes life easier.

Other than that, things are great. I've made new friends, taken on writing again and I no longer eat my lunches in my car. My shrink would be proud.

Who knew having a positive outlook can completely change your life? I guess every self help book that exists.

I manage to keep this new found frame of mind, at least until this Friday morning. Because as I stare at the three worded text he sent, I feel envious of the hold he has on me.

I continue to stare as if the words would disappear. Only he can ensue this out of me.

'I miss you.'

So simple, yet my heart doesn't seem to think so. He misses you as a friend idiot! my conscious screams at me. Why does he always do this to me?

I want to reply. I want to tell him how I've made new friends and how my new boss is such an asshole. He would reply and say I should give him a chance and tell me how proud he is that I've opened myself up to meet new people. He would be even prouder to know that I've started writing again.

It takes me a while but I finally manage to put my phone down. Leaving him on read as I make my way to the shower to get ready for work.

Baby steps.

Later that evening, my colleagues and I go to a bar. I'd found out earlier that week that they go out every Friday after work and they'd insisted I joined. It wasn't like I had anything better to do.

We're sitting at a corner booth and I see Lebo sitting on top of Thabo.

"Uh, don't you guys hate each other?", I ask genuinely curious. The two can't stand each other at the office, at least that's what it seems like.

"It's all an act," Katie answers as everyone erupts in laughter.

"Yea, they say it's so no one finds out but I think it's 4play," Ruan comments earning a punch from Thabo as everyone continues to laugh.

It's only been just under a week but I've really warmed up to them. I told them I'd always found them intimidating and they'd laughed at that.

We're taking shots after shots and I listen to my body begging me for more. I'm not much of a drinker but I can't help but welcome the feeling of numbness that comes with it.

I hear everyone cheering as I'm about to take my umpteenth shot. Stopping in my tracks, I look over to see my boss with a smug look on his face.

Well damn.