My husband, Donavon, was a serial cheater, but I was always one step ahead, catching him in the act. Then, I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.
The only person in the world who could save me with a bone marrow transplant was his latest mistress, Jazmyne.
To make matters worse, Donavon cut off all my funds, including the money for my mother's critical medical care. He forced me to publicly apologize to Jazmyne, humiliating me on a live stream while my mother died because the funds were delayed.
"You will make a public statement," he sneered. "Acknowledge your harassment of Jazmyne. Apologize for your past erratic behavior. And you will do it on camera."
Desperate and broken, I faked my own death by jumping into the Hudson River on that same live stream.
I needed him to believe I was gone.
Now, secretly saved and hidden away by a friend, I must fight for my life while navigating the twisted reality that my survival depends on the very woman who helped destroy me, and the man who orchestrated it all.
Chapter 1
My husband, Donavon Anderson, would always find new women, but I, Ava Rich, would find his affairs faster than he could even have them. That was the New York elite' s cruel joke, the whispered truth that followed me through every gilded hallway and whispered conversation. They called me the queen of public confrontations, a fiery spectacle always ready to defend her gilded cage.
I was the poster child for the trophy wife who fought for her man, no matter how many times he strayed. The tabloids loved me. My image, meticulously crafted and fiercely protected, was that of a woman who wouldn't just sit idly by. I was a fighter, a warrior in designer heels, battling for a love that, looking back, was probably never truly mine to begin with.
But behind the whispers and the flashing cameras, they called me something else. "Pathetic," some would sneer. "Desperate," others would pity. They didn't understand. They couldn't see the fear that drove me, the quiet desperation to hold onto a life that was slipping through my fingers, thread by thread.
Then came the day the world stopped spinning. The paparazzi, a ravenous pack, cornered me outside my favorite boutique. Their cameras flashed, their questions a barrage of accusations. They had irrefutable evidence this time – photos, videos, a timeline of Donavon' s latest betrayal. Jazmyne Buckley, a young intern at his company, her face plastered across every front page.
Instead of the usual volcanic eruption, the dramatic scene they craved, I just stood there. Calm. So calm, in fact, it felt like my blood had turned to ice. The silence that followed my non-reaction was louder than any scream I could have mustered. Even the paparazzi, usually so relentless, seemed to falter, their lenses briefly lowered.
Donavon, who had been watching the live feed from his office, called me immediately. His voice was laced with a mix of confusion and triumph. "Ava? What was that? No fireworks? No tears?" He sounded almost disappointed, as if I' d ruined his carefully orchestrated drama. He expected the rage, the theatrics. That' s what he fed on.
"I' m tired, Donavon," I said, my voice flat, almost unrecognizable even to myself. It wasn't just physical exhaustion. It was a weariness that seeped into my bones, into the very core of my being. "I'm just so tired of fighting."
A smirk, I imagined, stretched across his handsome face. "Ah, so the great Ava Rich finally surrenders," he mused, a cruel edge to his tone. "Took you long enough." He misread my compliance as surrender, as a sign that I was finally broken, pliable. He saw it as a victory.
"Yes, Donavon," I confirmed, my voice devoid of emotion. "I surrender." The words tasted like ash. My surrender wasn't to him, or to Jazmyne. It was to something far bigger, far more terrifying.
He chuckled, a sound that grated on my ears. "Good. Because there's something you need to understand." He paused, letting the silence hang heavy. "Jazmyne is more than just an intern."
I closed my eyes, a wave of dizziness washing over me. More than just an intern. The phrase echoed the doctor's words, twisting them into a grotesque parody of hope. I knew exactly what he meant, but not in the way he thought. The irony was a bitter pill I had to swallow.
"She's... special," Donavon continued, his voice dripping with possessiveness. "And she's not going anywhere." He thought he was delivering a crushing blow, twisting the knife. He had no idea he was twisting it into my own self-inflicted wound.
I clutched the crumpled diagnostic report in my hand, the paper crinkling softly. The stark truth printed in black and white stared back at me: Acute Myeloid Leukemia. And the chilling addendum: Only one known bone marrow match identified: Jazmyne Buckley.
Donavon, oblivious to the silent scream trapped in my throat, rambled on. "You're unusually quiet, Ava. Are you actually speechless for once?" He tried to goad me, to provoke a reaction. He always wanted the fight. He thrived on it.
A bitter laugh escaped my lips. "Speechless isn't the word, Donavon. Terrified, maybe. Or just... resigned." I traced the sharp edges of the report with my thumb, a small cut appearing on my skin. The physical pain was a welcome distraction from the emotional agony.
I remembered the old Ava, the one who would have torn down every perfectly manicured facade, every carefully constructed lie. The Ava who once flipped a table at a charity gala when she caught Donavon flirting. The Ava who publicly shamed a socialite for daring to send him a suggestive text. I had fought tooth and nail, clawing for every scrap of dignity, every sliver of his attention. I had been a force, a storm in a teacup, but a storm nonetheless.
But that Ava was gone. The fight had drained her, leaving behind only an empty shell. I was tired of the cycle, tired of the public humiliation, tired of pretending that his betrayals meant I was somehow less. Now, with this new, terrifying diagnosis, the superficial battles seemed utterly meaningless. My life was literally on the line, and the only person who could save me was the very woman my husband was currently parading around.
Donavon, still oblivious, cleared his throat. "I need you to understand something, Ava. From now on, things are different." His voice grew colder, harder. "I'm cutting off your access to the joint accounts. All your cards are frozen."
I didn' t react, my gaze fixed on the wilting flowers in the vase on the coffee table. He was doing this while I held a death sentence in my hand. The cruelty was almost poetic.
"Did you hear me, Ava?" he snapped, his patience wearing thin. "I said, you have no money."
"I heard you, Donavon," I replied, my voice still eerily calm. My mind was already racing, calculating. My mother' s medical bills. Her critical condition. This was the final blow.
Just then, the doorbell chimed. Donavon' s voice softened instantly, a sickening change. "That must be Jazzy. I told her to come over."
A cold dread coiled in my stomach. So, she was coming here. To our home. It was a new level of disrespect, a new form of psychological warfare. My hands trembled slightly, but I forced them still.
Donavon opened the door, and there she was. Jazmyne Buckley. Younger, prettier, with an air of calculated innocence. She wore a tailored pantsuit, a stark contrast to my own weary evening gown. He usually kept his affairs discreet, far from our shared space. This was different. This was a statement.
"Donavon, darling," Jazmyne cooed, her eyes darting to me with a triumphant gleam. Her smile was a predatory curve. She saw me as an obstacle. She didn' t know she held my life in her hands.
"Jazzy, honey, come in," Donavon said, pulling her close, a theatrical display of affection. "Ava was just... understanding a few new rules." He emphasized the word 'rules,' a warning shot.
Jazmyne, emboldened by Donavon's presence, stepped forward. Her gaze was direct, almost challenging. "Mrs. Anderson," she said, her voice dripping with artificial sweetness. "I understand you've been spreading some rather unprofessional rumors about me around the office."
My head snapped up. Unprofessional rumors? She was twisting the narrative, making me out to be the aggressor, the jealous wife who couldn't handle her husband's success. My blood began to boil, a familiar fire igniting in my veins, but it was quickly extinguished by a wave of nausea.
"I've done no such thing," I managed, my voice weak. The fight was gone. The energy had simply vanished.
Jazmyne scoffed, a delicate, dismissive sound. "Oh, please. Everyone knows. You've been trying to sabotage my career, all because you can't handle the competition." She gestured vaguely at Donavon, implying he was the prize.
Donavon, enjoying the spectacle, put a hand on Jazmyne's lower back. "Jazmyne has worked incredibly hard, Ava. And frankly, your outbursts have been... disruptive."
The insult, the casual dismissal, felt like a physical blow. Disruptive? My entire life had been upended, and he called my pain disruptive.
I coughed, a dry, rasping sound that vibrated through my chest. My vision blurred for a moment. This was my new reality. My body was betraying me, and I couldn't even hide it.
Jazmyne's eyes narrowed, noticing my discomfort. A flicker of something, perhaps concern, crossed her face for a split second, before hardening into a mask of indifference. She recoiled slightly, as if my illness was contagious. "Are you alright, Mrs. Anderson? You look... pale."
Donavon, however, saw only weakness. "She's just being dramatic, Jazzy. Always has been." He dismissed my physical symptoms as another one of my theatrics. He refused to see what was right in front of him.
"Donavon," I said, my voice barely a whisper. "I need to talk to you. About my mother. And the bills." The words were a desperate plea, but they were lost in the roar of his ego.
"Ava, I told you," he cut me off, his voice impatient. "Your access is cut. If you want money for your mother, you' ll have to earn it." He paused, a cruel smile spreading across his face. "Or perhaps, you can apologize. Publicly. To Jazmyne. For all the trouble you've caused."
My jaw dropped. Publicly apologize? To her? The woman who was sleeping with my husband, the woman who was my only chance at survival? The humiliation was suffocating.
"I... I can't," I choked out, tears welling up in my eyes, not for myself, but for my sick mother.
"Oh, but you can, Ava," Donavon said, his voice cold and unwavering. "Or your mother's medical care ceases. Effective immediately." He knew my mother was my only weakness, my Achilles' heel. He was using her against me.
The world tilted. My mother. Her fragile life hanging by a thread. My pride, my dignity, against her survival. There was no choice.
"Fine," I whispered, the single word tearing through my throat. "I'll do it. I'll apologize."
Donavon's eyes widened slightly, a flicker of surprise, quickly replaced by triumph. He hadn't expected me to cave so easily. He thought I had a limitless well of fight. He was wrong.
"Good," he said, turning back to Jazmyne, who was now beaming. "See, Jazzy? She's finally learning her place."
He started to walk away, his arm wrapped around Jazmyne's waist, pulling her closer. My gaze lingered on their retreating figures, the perfect picture of betrayal. The diagnosis report, forgotten, slipped from my grasp and fluttered to the floor.
My mother's bill, a stark reminder of my new reality, arrived in the mail that very afternoon. It was astronomical. The numbers swam before my eyes. I couldn't pay it. Donavon had ensured that.
I picked up the phone. My doctor, Dr. Elena Ramos, answered. "Ava? We need to discuss your treatment plan. The scans are concerning."
"Cancel it," I said, my voice hollow. "All of it. I can't afford it."
"What? Ava, this isn't a choice!" she exclaimed, her voice filled with alarm. "This is aggressive. Without treatment..."
"I know," I cut her off. "But I have no options." I couldn't tell her about Jazmyne. Not yet.
I hung up, the receiver heavy in my hand. My body ached, a deep, persistent throb. Donavon had just left with Jazmyne, his new conquest, his weapon against me. He had stripped me of my finances, my dignity, and now, my hope.
But a new resolve, cold and sharp, began to form in the shattered pieces of my heart. I reached for my phone, my fingers flying across the screen. I opened a new browser window. "Divorce lawyer. New York." The words appeared on the screen, a beacon in the darkness. My fight for a life worth living had just begun.
The sterile smell of the hospital clung to my clothes, a stark reminder of the conversation I' d just had. Dr. Ramos's face was etched with concern, her words a frantic echo in my mind. "Ava, this is completely irresponsible! We need to start treatment immediately, or the prognosis-"
"I understand, Doctor," I' d cut her off, my voice flat, devoid of emotion. "But I simply cannot afford it. My husband has... cut me off." The lie tasted like ash, but it was the only explanation I could offer without revealing the grotesque truth about Donavon, Jazmyne, and my impossible situation.
Her eyebrows furrowed. "Ava Rich? The Ava Rich? I find that difficult to believe." Her eyes, sharp and scrutinizing, tried to pierce through my carefully constructed facade. She knew my husband was obscenely wealthy. My explanation didn' t hold water.
A bitter laugh bubbled up, quickly suffocated. Ava Rich. The name, once a symbol of privilege, now felt like a cruel joke. The irony was a punch to the gut. I had no money. No access. My entire financial world, once boundless, was now a barren wasteland, controlled by the man who was systematically destroying me.
Outside the hospital, Donavon' s black sedan idled, the driver, always impeccably dressed, holding the door open. He was a constant, unwelcome reminder of Donavon's omnipresent control. I slid into the plush leather seat, the silence of the luxurious car a heavy blanket. Donavon' s instructions, delivered through the driver, were chillingly clear. "Mr. Anderson expects you at the office. He wants you to issue a public apology."
My stomach churned, a knot of dread tightening with every mile. The office. His domain. Where Jazmyne now reigned.
As I stepped out of the elevator onto Donavon' s executive floor, the hushed whispers of employees buzzed around me. Their eyes, usually averted, now darted to me with a mixture of pity and morbid curiosity.
"Did you see her?" one whispered, too loudly. "She looks... terrible."
"Yeah, Jazmyne is so fresh and vibrant," another retorted, clearly intending for me to hear. "No wonder Donavon chose her."
The words stung, each one a tiny cut. Chose her. As if I was a discarded item, replaced by a newer, shinier model. The public humiliation was a familiar cloak, but today, it felt heavier, suffocating. My head throbbed, a dull ache behind my eyes.
The double doors of the boardroom swung open, revealing the scene of my impending execution. Jazmyne, a triumphant smile plastered on her face, stood at the head of the long mahogany table, surrounded by a dozen eager employees. She was basking in her new power, her new status. My replacement, reveling in my downfall.
Her eyes, cold and calculating, met mine. "Mrs. Anderson. So glad you could make it." Her voice was sweet, but the underlying malice was unmistakable. "I believe you have something to say."
My breath caught in my throat. The room felt airless, every gaze a burning brand on my skin. I straightened my shoulders, a desperate attempt to cling to the last vestiges of my pride. But it was fleeting. My mother' s face flashed before my eyes, pale and weak in the hospital bed. I had to do this. For her.
I took a deep, shaky breath, the metallic taste of fear filling my mouth. I bent my head, a profound humiliation washing over me. "Jazmyne," I began, my voice barely a whisper, "I... apologize. For any distress my actions may have caused you." My body felt heavy, each word a stone dragged from my soul.
Jazmyne' s smile didn' t falter, but her eyes held no warmth. "Oh, is that all, Mrs. Anderson?" she purred, her voice sweet as poison. "I expected a little more... conviction. A little more... sincerity." She walked slowly towards me, her heels clicking ominously on the polished floor. The scent of her expensive perfume, fresh and floral, made my stomach clench.
My hands clenched into fists, nails digging into my palms. Sincerity? From me? The woman whose life she was callously destroying? Rage, hot and volcanic, surged through me, threatening to erupt. I wanted to scream, to lash out, to expose her for the conniving opportunist she was. But the image of my mother, frail and fading, held me captive.
"Perhaps," Jazmyne continued, her voice rising slightly, "you could elaborate on why your actions were so distressing? And perhaps acknowledge the depth of your wrongdoing?" She was twisting the knife, enjoying every agonizing turn. "Perhaps you could apologize for attempting to sabotage my career? For all the nasty rumors?"
My head snapped up, my eyes blazing. "I never-" I started, but a sudden sharp pain shot through my chest, making me gasp. My vision swam. The room spun.
Just then, the boardroom doors opened again. Donavon. He strode in, his eyes fixed on Jazmyne, a look of indulgent affection on his face. He hadn't come to save me. He had come to witness my public execution.
"Is everything alright, Jazzy?" he asked, his voice tender. He completely ignored me, my trembling form, the tears in my eyes. It was a new kind of pain, sharper than any public betrayal.
I remembered a time, long ago, when his gaze was only for me. When he would fiercely defend me against any whisper, any slight. He had been my protector, my rock. Now, he was the architect of my torment. The man who once promised me the world now watched gleefully as I was dismantled, piece by agonizing piece. The contrast was a poisoned dagger straight to my heart.
"Donavon," Jazmyne cooed, a single tear tracing a path down her cheek. "I just... I just want Mrs. Anderson to understand the pain she's caused." She glanced at me, a theatrical sigh escaping her lips.
This was it. The breaking point. The final splintering of my spirit. I stood straighter, my body trembling, but my voice, when it came, was clear and steady. "I have nothing more to say." My words hung in the air, defiant, a last gasp of dignity.
Jazmyne's eyes widened, then narrowed. Another tear, this one more convincing, welled up. "Donavon, she's... she's refusing to truly apologize. After everything." Her voice broke, a perfect performance.
Donavon's face hardened, his eyes turning to ice as he looked at me. "Ava, don't make this harder than it has to be. Apologize. Properly." His voice was a low growl, a threat.
"No," I said, the word a steel rod through my own heart. "I won't."
He took a step towards me, his hand raised. I flinched, bracing for the blow, but it never came. Instead, he grabbed my arm, his fingers digging into my flesh, a chilling reminder of his physical power. "You will, Ava. You will do as I say." He dragged me forward, his grip tightening.
A sharp pain shot through my arm as he twisted it, his fingers pressing against a bruise I didn't even know I had. A wave of dizziness, stronger this time, washed over me. I stumbled, my knees buckling. The room started to spin violently. I felt a sudden, inexplicable weakness in my left side.
"Mrs. Anderson! Are you alright?" a bewildered employee blurted out, noticing my sudden pallor and trembling.
Donavon paused, his eyes briefly flicking to my face. A flicker of something, perhaps concern, before his gaze hardened again. He probably thought I was faking it.
"Donavon," I gasped, trying to catch my breath, "I... I need to tell you something. It's important." The words were trapped in my throat, desperate to escape.
But Jazmyne, ever the opportunist, seized the moment. She clutched her head, swaying dramatically. "Oh, Donavon, I feel so faint. This whole situation, it's just too much for me." Her voice was a fragile whisper, perfectly designed to tug at his heartstrings.
Donavon instantly turned his attention to her, his harsh grip on my arm loosening. "Jazzy, darling, are you alright?" He pulled her into his arms, glaring at me over her shoulder. "Look what you've done, Ava. You've upset her." His voice was venomous, filled with utter disgust. "Get out. Get out of my office. Get out of my sight. Now."
The dismissal, the absolute revulsion in his eyes, was a final, crushing blow. I wanted to scream, to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. My body felt heavy, every muscle aching.
I stumbled backwards, the whispers and averted gazes of the employees following my retreat. As I walked away, I heard Jazmyne's triumphant whisper to Donavon, a cruel, mocking sound that echoed in my ears: "She's finally broken, darling."
I held my head high, my jaw clenched, forcing back the tears that threatened to burst forth. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. I wouldn't crumble. Not yet.
The moment I stepped out of the building, my phone vibrated, a harsh jolt in the silence. It was the hospital. My mother's doctor. "Mrs. Anderson," her voice was urgent, laced with panic. "It's your mother. Her condition has destabilized rapidly. We need you here. Immediately."
The words hit me like a physical blow, colder and more devastating than Donavon's cruelty. My breath hitched. My mother. This was all my fault.
The city hummed around me, but all I heard was the frantic pounding of my heart. The taxi sped through the chaotic New York streets, each red light a painful delay. My mother. Her fragile life, now hanging by the thinnest of threads. It was my fault. All my fault. If I had just swallowed my pride, if I had just endured Donavon' s humiliation, she might have had a chance.
I burst into the sterile quiet of the ICU, the antiseptic scent stinging my nostrils. My mother lay on the bed, a pale, frail shadow beneath a tangle of wires and tubes. Her eyes were closed, her breathing shallow and ragged. My knees buckled.
"Mama," I whispered, my voice thick with unshed tears, as I gently touched her hand, cool and unresponsive. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
Her eyelids fluttered open, her gaze unfocused, then slowly sharpened on my face. A faint, weak smile touched her lips. "Ava, my girl," she rasped, her voice barely audible. "Don't... don't fight them anymore. It's not worth it, darling." Her words, a selfless plea even in her dying moments, twisted the knife in my heart. She had always hated the public spectacle of my marriage. She had always just wanted me to be happy, to be free.
I remembered a time, not so long ago, when Donavon used to visit her regularly, bringing her flowers, expensive chocolates. He would sit by her bedside, charming her with stories, making her laugh. He had been a loving son-in-law, or at least, he' d played the part beautifully. He had even set up a private fund for her medical care, ensuring she received the best of everything. That was the Donavon I had loved, the man I had clung to, desperate for his affection. Where had that man gone?
My thoughts were abruptly cut short by a nurse, her face grim. "Mrs. Anderson, we need to discuss your mother's outstanding medical bills. The payments from Mr. Anderson's account were stopped last week."
My blood ran cold. Stopped. Just as Donavon had threatened. He hadn't just cut my access. He had cut off my mother's life support, financially speaking. The anger, sharp and cold, pierced through my sorrow.
I confronted Donavon the moment I found him. He was at his penthouse, laughing easily with Jazmyne, a picture of domestic bliss. "Donavon!" I screamed, my voice raw with grief and fury. "How could you? You cut off her medical funds! My mother is dying!"
His laughter died, replaced by a sneer. "Oh, so now you're resorting to melodrama, Ava? And online attacks? Jazmyne has been getting nasty messages all day, accusing her of being a 'homewrecker' and a 'gold-digger.' I wonder who put those ideas in people's heads." He stared at me with icy accusation.
Jazmyne, ever the actress, dissolved into tears, clutching Donavon's arm. "It's been horrible, Donavon. People are saying the most awful things. And now, this, from her. It's just too much." She buried her face in his chest, her sobs echoing in the opulent living room.
Donavon' s face contorted with anger. He glared at me, his eyes blazing. "Look what you've done, Ava! Making Jazmyne cry? After everything? What kind of monster are you?"
"Monster?" I shrieked, a hysterical laugh bubbling up. "I'm the monster? You are letting my mother die! You cut off her funds!"
"Perhaps," Donavon said, his voice dangerously low, "you should apologize to Jazmyne. For your malicious online campaign. And for disturbing our peace." He was asking me to apologize to the very person who was directly contributing to my mother's demise.
The absurdity of it all, the sheer audacity, struck me numb. "Apologize?" I repeated, the word tasting like bile. "You want me to apologize to her? For your betrayal? For the fact that you're killing my mother?" My voice rose, cracking with despair. "No. I won't. This... this marriage is over. I want a legal separation. Now."
Donavon froze, his arm still around Jazmyne. A flicker of genuine shock crossed his face, a momentary crack in his carefully constructed facade of indifference. He hadn't expected those words.
But Jazmyne, quick as a viper, recovered. She pulled away from Donavon, her eyes wide with feigned distress. "Oh, Donavon, no! Don't listen to her. She's just lashing out because she's upset. You two belong together! Don't let her destroy your beautiful family." Her words were a calculated attempt to maintain her position, to keep the toxic dynamic alive.
The pitying, disgusted glances of Donavon's household staff, who had gathered at a discreet distance, burned into me. They saw me as the crazy, jealous wife, still clinging to a dead marriage.
Donavon, once again, chose Jazmyne. He stroked her hair, his eyes filled with reassurance, then turned his hardened gaze back to me. "A legal separation, Ava? What's your game? Are you trying to get more money out of me? Is that what this is about?"
"It's about my mother, Donavon!" I screamed, my voice raw. "She has days, maybe hours! And it's because you cut off her medical funds!"
His jaw tightened. "If you want the funds reinstated," he said, his voice cold and flat, "there's a price. You will make a public statement. Acknowledge your online harassment of Jazmyne. Apologize for your past erratic behavior. And you will do it on camera, for the media." He was asking for a public confession of guilt, a complete obliteration of my character.
My mind reeled. I remembered his vows, whispered on our wedding day. "I promise to cherish you, to protect you, to love you in sickness and in health." Lies. All of them. He was a monster, cloaked in expensive suits and charming smiles.
My knees trembled. My mother. Her face, etched with pain. The image was a powerful motivator, overriding every shred of dignity I had left. What was my pride compared to her life? "I... I'll do it," I choked out, the words tasting like poison. "But you reinstate the funds. Immediately."
Jazmyne' s eyes gleamed with malicious triumph. "And, Donavon," she interjected, her voice sweet but firm, "I think Mrs. Anderson should wear that hideous dress she wore to the charity gala. The one that made her look so... desperate. And she should break down crying. For true sincerity." She was painting the picture of my complete and utter humiliation.
Donavon actually smiled. A slow, cruel smile. "Excellent idea, Jazzy. Yes, Ava. That ghastly emerald green dress. And make sure those tears are real." He was enjoying this. He was relishing my destruction.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. The man I had loved, the man I had fought for, was capable of such unimaginable cruelty. He found pleasure in my pain.
Just then, my phone rang again. It was the hospital. Dr. Ramos's voice, strained and urgent, cut through the noise. "Mrs. Anderson, your mother's condition has worsened. We're losing her. We need to perform emergency surgery, but without the immediate funds..." Her voice trailed off, the implication clear.
Donavon' s eyes met mine, cold and unfeeling. "Well, Ava?" he said, his voice a chilling whisper. "Your mother's life. Your choice. How badly do you want her to live?"