Trapped in his arms

When my mother departed, I was nine years old.

One of my earliest memories is being at home and pleading with my younger brother to stop sobbing. Unfortunately, there was nothing in the fridge for him to eat. We were hopeless, young, and stupid enough to believe that she would eventually return. There was never a time when she did.

It took me approximately four days to make up my mind to do something about it. I got my younger brother, who was seven at the time, ready and off to school we went. I went to the only school I knew how to go to, so I guess that's why I picked it.

Avery stated, "Alex, I'm very hungry," while gripping his stomach and seeming uncomfortable.

I assured him, "I'll get you food now, just give me a few minutes" as I dragged him by the hand down the road.

We ask, "Are we going to die, Alex?" Avery inquired, worriedly.

The honest truth is that I had no idea. When I was nine, I was worried about what would happen to my brother and me. Perhaps I even feared for our lives. A child's imagination may be both terrifying and enchanting.

We'll be fine, I murmured under my breath, annoyed by his barrage of inquiries.

After Avery began, "But what about-" I cut him off.

"Would you guys please be quiet?" I pleaded, exhausted, hungry, and irritated. I saw the tears start to fill up in his eyes as he dropped his head in defeat.

After patting his head and saying, "I'm sorry Avery, we're almost there ok," I tried to soothe him. I took it as a consoling gesture at the time. Avery's stomach was growling, and he continued to cry out in anguish.

When I saw a convenience store along our route, I dreaded the inevitable but knew I had no choice. While Avery distracted the shopkeeper, I stuffed as many candies as I could into my pockets. The shop's proprietor came back in and gave me the once-over. I pretended like I was searching for something and it worked.

Greeting: "Can I be of assistance?" Already suspicious, he inquired. He saw that I was malnourished from my thinness, my dirtiness, and my youth.

A fast "No, I'm okay" was my hasty response as I tried to cover up my guilt, but I failed. Unless my bulging pockets gave it away, the guy could tell I was stealing.

He groaned, grabbed me by the neck, and threw me out of the store, saying, "You little shit." After striking my head and falling to the ground, I was dazed and confused for a while. My head hurt so badly that I started to cry. I held back my tears because I needed to be a role model of strength for Avery. Avery was standing there, looking concerned. Tears were already streaming down his cheeks. He had a kind disposition.

With a sneer, he told the kids, "Keep the candy you little thieves" and then retreated inside his store. I put my hands on the floor and dragged my sluggish self up. Avery, shocked at the wound on my temple, covered his lips. The scrapes and scratches on my knees didn't hurt quite as much. When I was younger, climbing trees was my favorite activity, so the occasional scratch or bruise wasn't a big deal.

As I cradled Avery in my arms, I said, "I'm okay."

Often heard: "Why are people so mean?" Tears were falling from his eyes as he asked.

The words "I'll never let anyone be mean to you, not like that" left my mouth. Even when I was very small, he was the only thing on my mind.

Avery was becoming hungry, so we sat on a low wall while we waited for me to return with some food. When I reached beneath my shirt and produced a bottle of water, I saw a smile spread over his face. He snatched it from my hands and opened it at once, drinking from it in great gulps. I took out some cookies as he did that. When my mother performed these kinds of things for me, I always felt better.

For the first time in days, Avery and I sat contentedly on a little wall, with our feet still dangling over the floor, munching on cookies and sipping water.

I couldn't compare to Avery. His hair was black, not white, and his eyes were emerald. My hair and eyes were white and blue. Even though I suspect his biological father was different from mine, I always simply considered him my younger sibling.

I said, "Okay, time to go," and he returned my grin with one of his own. It took us around 10 minutes to cover the distance to our school on foot.

Asking, "Why are we going to Ms.Jane?" Avery, trailing after me in bewilderment, asked. His feet obviously pained, as did mine.

I'm stumped. There is no one else we can turn to. My voice was soft as I let the truth sink in. When I was nine years old, I had to accept the fact that my sole family member besides my brother didn't care about me.

With a mournful "Oh," his demeanor changed.

We walked some further, but eventually arrived at our school. There was no way for me to tell whether it was still school hours or not. The massive gates we were approaching were locked as we got closer.

To ask, "Do you know what day it is today?" I gave him a puzzled look and inquired. In a firm nay, Avery shook his head. Someone was passing the school, so I dashed over to greet them.

"I'm sorry, but can you tell me what day it is?" I replied timidly, although I was aware that keeping track of time was essential.

It's Sunday night, honey, and you need to hurry home before it's too late. Where has your brain gone? When she received no reaction to her soothing tone and kind smile, the lady walked away.

I cast an anxious look at the ground. I was on the verge of crying my eyes out. We had come all this way just to be told to come back tomorrow. It was too risky for Avery to walk home in the dark, and it would take over an hour. In addition, he has a severe phobia of the dark. I was at a loss for action and direction. We needed a somewhere to sleep, but all I could do was wait here until the following day, when classes began.

One of the raindrops struck the back of my neck, causing me to snap out of my reverie. As I looked up, I saw that black clouds were gradually covering the sky. As they came closer, I could see Avery was becoming nervous. The raindrops gradually accelerated their rate of descent.

Then, a thought occurred to me. At school, my buddies and I constructed a stronghold to protect ourselves from tyrants. It was deep in the woods. We needed to pass past these gates before we could find a place to sleep.

As I made my way around the campus, I called out to Avery, "Come on!" One of my buddies used to use this route to go in and out of school undetected.

I told him to "climb under here," but he didn't move.

He said, "Alex, it looks dangerous" as tears welled in his eyes.

I pleaded, "Oh come on, don't cry, I'm here, and you'll be alright," hoping without hope that he would hear me and believe me. I had run out of choices. As I squeezed through the fence, Avery wriggled through it. The chasm was narrowing as I passed across it.

I went beyond our school, where there were a forest of trees. No matter how much pressure there is to chop them down for "clean" environmental reasons, they refuse to do so. I wasn't complaining because I believed we were having a better time than they were.

When it rained, my buddy and I could sit in the base under a tarp he had brought from home.

So that Avery could go under it, I grabbed the edge of the blue tarp and yanked it up. When Avery spotted all of our comics scattered over the floor, he let out a loud squeal of delight.

That's awesome! As he looked around, he chuckled.

For this outpost, we scrounged stolen bedding, playthings, and pillows. I took a flashlight from the principal's office, although he seldom used it anyhow, so it was plenty for our needs. For what seemed like hours, Avery and I sat and read comics. As the night closed in on us, Avery's anxiety levels rose. When I turned on the light, he was grinning from ear to ear. While reading, we shared a single blanket.

His eyes widened as he stared at the comic book in disbelief.

I stared at Avery, who was engrossed in the narrative, and nodded, "Yeah, they killed the good guy." He leaned his head on my shoulder after some time. I was about to brush him off when I saw that Avery was sound sleeping. I gave a satisfied nod, relieved that one of us would be able to catch some shut-eye.

The next thing I remember, the flashlight was still in my grasp and my face was pressed against the tarp's bottom. The dried blood that had flowed down the side of my head from my temple was still there. The schoolyard was alive with the sound of laughter.

Avery's shock at my mumbled "shit" was palpable.

Saying, "That's a bad word Alex!" He became irate and shouted at me. When I realized that no one would yell at me for saying such a thing, all I could do was laugh.

Forget it! Moms not here anymore" I said with a sly grin as Avery almost passed out from amazement.

Avery mumbled something like "shit" and then put his hands over his mouth. As I saw his panic unfold, I couldn't contain my mirth.

Not saying those things to Alex because they don't make me feel good is not an option. Avery's look of unease remained fixed on his face when he spoke. Laughing, I climbed out from under the sheet.

As he looked around the tarp, I pushed, "Come on Avery."

As in, "May I bring one?" With a malicious grin on his face, he brought up the comics and inquired.

I responded, "Yes, now come on" as I yanked him up from the base.

There wasn't much I could do about the fact that my brother and I both looked a bit rough, but we were. I didn't have anything to clean ourselves up with, and we didn't have a change of clothing. It was like trying to find the proverbial needle in a haystack as we walked onto the playground packed with children. You could tell we weren't from around here, yet we showed up anyhow.

I pushed through the school's entrance and led Avery along the corridor. I was worried since I had no idea what was going to happen to us. I gulped as I opened the classroom door and saw Avery and the rest of my students gazing at us. Everyone around us glanced at us in disbelief.

In other words, "Alex, you're back" Ms. Jane, along with the rest of the audience, was taken aback by the news. She came out into the corridor and stood there with the classroom door closed, facing us.

"Alex, what the hell is wrong with your brain?" She let out a gasp that bordered on loathing.

I couldn't go to go to school because I had to take care of Avery, and my mom hasn't been home in days, so we've been starved. I sobbed uncontrollably and rambled, "I'm tired and I just want to sleep." My stress levels finally reached an all-time high.

Inquiring minds want to know, "What about your dad?" She questioned out of natural interest.

I shouted at her, "I don't have a fucking dad," and then I distanced myself from her. Before he started laughing, Avery's mouth was gaping open.

He smiled and remarked, "Alex, you said a bad word to an adult," which made me laugh in spite of my tears.

Ms. Jane spoke quietly, "Come on boys, come with me" as she led us down the corridor.

He added with a guffaw, "I can't believe you said that Alex."

I chuckled, relieved to have let out some of the pent-up rage I'd been feeling against my mother.

Ms. Jane spent some time chatting with the headmistress.

To better hear what was going on outside, I pressed my ear up to the door.

Mr. Reid, the principal at the time, said, "If the boys' mother is no longer around, then they will be put into foster care, it's the only way."

I just need one night alone with the boys before we have to involve social services. We have no idea whether they will be separated. She begged him to reconsider. My heart was pounding, and I had to move away from the entrance. I didn't want to be without Avery since we were both dependent on one other.

The question, "Alex, are you okay?" Avery saw my astonished appearance and enquired curiously.

Nodding my head, "Yeah, it'll be okay," I told myself that it would be.

Yes, of course it will, your mother will return. He grinned naively and kicked his tiny legs beneath the seat of the chair. I wish I could say that I believed you, but deep down I always knew what was in store for us.

The door swung wide and there was Ms. Jane.

I'm taking Alex and Avery back to my house today while we look for their mom. But first, let's stop by your place and pick up some fresh threads. She beamed as if it were fantastic news. Nothing more than a "okay" came out of my mouth. I wanted the best for Avery regardless of whether she ended up living with me or not. I hoped he'd grow up in a family where his parents prioritized their care for him. instead of a helpless older sibling.

Alex, come with me, and Avery, you wait there," Ms. Jane said with furrowed eyebrows. While I turned the bend of the corridor with Ms. Jane, Avery nodded dutifully.

After she cleaned the blood from my temple, she set me down on a counter. She attempted to bandage my head in the hopes that it would heal on its own.

You and Avery will be OK; I know you're not stupid, Alex. How ready are you for that? She took a step back to gauge my reaction and then questioned suspiciously. My response was silent nods of agreement. I wasn't naive, but I also wasn't selfless. If Avery's new parents can make him happy, then I'm all for it.

She just nodded and helped me off the counter. I walked back and Ms. Jane drove us away. She recruited a substitute instructor to keep an eye on us.

*****

Looking around my room, I told Avery, "Grab everything you own; we're leaving.

"Why?" He inquired perplexedly, apparently unaware that we were soon to enter foster care. I locked the door to our room.

We don't have a parent and we can't survive on our own," I said as I straightened his unkempt hair.

The question, "Why can't you take care of me?" His eyes were welling up with tears as he asked.

I smiled reassuringly and caressed his head, telling him, "I'm still a kid too, they would never allow it."

The question, "But what about mom?" The sight of her picture on our wall brought him to tears.

Avery, she abandoned us; you knew your mother was ill all the time; you knew she would eventually leave us, I said, feeling dejected.

Saying, "How about we leave her a message?" Before I saw the sadness lift from Avery's face, I stated it cheerfully.

After saying, "Okay," he wiped his cheeks dry of tears.

Sorry, Mom, but we had to get out of here. We are now staying with Ms. Jane before entering foster care. You will be greatly missed. Involving Avery and Alex.

If you're asking, "Do you feel better now?" When I asked Avery, all I got was a nod. Avery let up a loud stomach grumble, and I heard it.

I spoke my inner thought: "We need food."

Before leaving the room, I retrieved my piggy bank and a picture of Avery and me.

"Ms. Jane, could we get Avery a happy meal at McDonald's?" With my piggy bank in hand, I requested.

As in, "What about you, Alex?" She held my piggy bank and asked me.

I comforted her, "Oh, I'm not hungry, it's okay," as I looked at my brother, who was beaming. In my heart, I had always suspected that I was fibbing. Even if I didn't fear I'd die of hunger first, I didn't think I had enough money in my piggy bank to feed us both.

Sure, why not, fellas? With a soft grin on her lips, she nodded. She cast a troubled look back into the kitchen, and I caught it.

Have no fear of the needles. I told my dad proudly, "They're my mom's medicine" as we walked out of the building. Her face suddenly took on a melancholy expression. Why she was so down about it, I can't say.

Always knew they were drugs, but pretended otherwise when around Avery or adults. I didn't understand why they were awful, but I saw what they did to my mom and I understood. They caused her to become weak and ill. Neither she nor I ever enjoyed seeing her perform. She did her best, but she wasn't a great mother.

I was nervous for the first time while we sat in the parking lot eating McDonald's. What would happen to Avery and me, I couldn't say. I was worried about losing him, but I wasn't going to allow things to go that far. Even though Ms. Jane persisted on buying me food, I quickly ate it all up since I hadn't eaten in days. Before taking us back to her place, she stopped to get ice cream.

"Here Alex, you hold your blanket, and Avery, you hold yours" She wrapped me in the thick blanket and gave me instructions. She brought down the sofas for Avery and me to sleep on and we down the stairs. I loved that my sofa faced Avery's.

The light was switched off by Ms. Jane.

She wished the lads goodnight and climbed the stairs.

My body was entirely covered by the blanket; just my head was visible. Before Avery realized it was dark, he was smiling as he relaxed on his sofa.

Avery called out to Alex in a low voice. I remained silent.

This time his whisper of "Alex" was stronger than the last, drawing my attention and bringing me out of my reverie.

From the comfort of my sofa, I said "Yes" and gave him a silent glance.

I'm terrified, he murmured, scanning the room. He was obviously scared of the dark, although I can't say for sure why.

I groaned and pulled back the covers to let him in. He raced over and hopped in behind me, grinning.

"I think we'll be fine, Alex." The covers were pulled up to his chin as he requested. I could not have lied to him.

I nodded reassuringly and said, "Yeah, you'll be alright."

The flashlight was still in my grasp when I woke up with my face pressed against the tarp's floor. The dried blood that had flowed down the side of my head from my temple was still there. I heard some giggling coming from the school.

Avery's shock at my mumbled "shit" was palpable.

Saying, "That's a bad word Alex!" He screamed at me in anger. When I realized that I didn't have to worry about getting in trouble with my parents for saying such things, I couldn't help but laugh.

Forget it! As Avery almost passed out from horror, I grinned smugly and said, "Moms not here anymore."

Avery mumbled something like "shit" and then put his hands over his mouth. As I saw his panic unfold, I couldn't contain my mirth.

I can't bring myself to say such things to you, Alex. Avery's face was set in a permanent look of unease as he responded. Laughing, I climbed out from under the sheet.

As he looked around the tarp, I pushed, "Come on Avery."

As in, "May I bring one?" He smiled maliciously and made a reference to the comics as he asked.

I responded, "Yes, now come on" as I yanked him up from the base.

There wasn't much I could do about the fact that my brother and I both looked a bit rough, but we were. We had no clean clothing to change into, and I had nothing with which to wash ourselves. When we walked onto the playground packed with kids, it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It was obvious we weren't welcome, yet we were still there.

I let myself inside the school and took Avery's hand as we made our way down the corridor. I was worried since I had no idea what was going to happen to us. I gulped as I opened the classroom door and saw Avery and the rest of my students gazing at us. Everyone around us glanced at us in disbelief.

To paraphrase, "Alex, you're back" A few people clapped, but Ms. Jane and the rest of the audience were stunned. She came out into the corridor to meet us, but she kept the classroom door closed.

As in, "Alex, what happened to your head?" She let out an almost repulsed gasp.

We've been starved since my mom hasn't been home in days, and I've been stuck at home because I had to take care of Avery instead of going to school. I sobbed uncontrollably and rambled, "I'm tired and I just want to sleep." My stress levels finally reached an all-time high.

Inquiring minds want to know, "What about your dad?" 'Why?' she inquired with genuine interest.

I shouted at her, "I don't have a fucking dad," and then I distanced myself from her. Avery's jaw dropped open before he started laughing.

He smiled and remarked, "Alex, you said a bad word to an adult," which made me laugh in spite of my tears.

Ms. Jane spoke quietly, "Come on boys, come with me" as she led us down the corridor.

He added with a guffaw, "I can't believe you said that Alex."

"I don't know where it came from," I chuckled, relieved to have let out some of the pent-up frustration with my mother.

Ms. Jane had a lengthy conversation with the headmaster.

I leaned an ear up to the door to listen in.

Mr. Reid, the principal at the time, said, "If the boys' mother is no longer around, then they will be put into foster care, it's the only way."

I just need one night alone with the boys before we have to involve social services. We have no idea whether they will be separated. To no avail, she begged him. With my pulse pounding, I took a few steps back from the entrance. We both needed one other, and being apart from Avery was something I really wanted to avoid.

"Alex, are you feeling okay?" Avery saw my astonished appearance and enquired curiously.

Nodding my head, "Yeah, it'll be okay," I told myself that it would be.

That's a given; mum will be back soon. He grinned naively as he swung his legs beneath the seat, which was too low for him to touch the floor. I wish I could say that I believed you, but deep down I always knew what was in store for us.

The door swung wide and there was Ms. Jane.

While we look for your mom, I'm taking Alex and Avery home with me today. Though we'll need to stop by your place to pick up some fresh threads beforehand. She beamed as if it were excellent news. Nothing more than a "okay" came out of my mouth. I wanted the best for Avery regardless of whether she ended up living with me or not. I wished for a home for him where his parents would take care of him. instead of a helpless older sibling.

Alex, come with me, and Avery, you wait there," Ms. Jane said with furrowed eyebrows. Avery dutifully nodded as I turned the bend of the corridor with Ms. Jane and we continued our conversation.

After she cleaned the blood from my temple, she set me down on a counter. She applied a bandage to the injured side of my head in the vain hope that it would speed up the healing process.

"Alex, you're not an idiot; you know exactly what's going to happen to you and Avery. Have you thought that through? She stepped back to gauge my reaction before asking. I didn't say anything; I just nodded. I wasn't naive, but I also wasn't selfless. My brother Avery was a softie and a baby, but if he'll be happier with new parents, I'm OK with it.

She nodded and picked me up off the counter without saying another word. I walked back and Ms. Jane drove us away. She had another instructor observe us for a while.

*****

Looking around my room, I told Avery, "Grab everything you own; we're leaving.

"Why?" We were ready to be put in foster care, but he inquired in confusion. Our bedroom door is now closed.

As I straightened his hair, I told him, "We don't have a mom or a dad and we can't live by ourselves."

The question, "Why can't you take care of me?" His eyes welled up with tears as he asked.

I rubbed his head and reassured him, "I'm still a kid too, they would never allow it."

Inquiring minds want to know, "But what about mom?" The sight of her picture on our wall brought him to tears.

"Avery, she abandoned us; you knew your mother was never healthy," I said, my voice tinged with sadness.

Saying, "How about we leave her a message?" Before I saw the sadness lift from Avery's face, I stated it cheerfully.

He wiped away his tears and nodded, "Okay."

We love you, Mom, but we have to go. Ms. Jane is taking care of us temporarily until we go into foster care. You will be missed. Two people named Avery and Alex.

If you're asking, "Do you feel better now?" When I asked Avery, all I got was a nod. I could clearly make out Avery's stomach rumbling.

Food, I said aloud to myself.

Before leaving the room, I retrieved my piggy bank and a picture of Avery and me.

"Ms. Jane, may we make a quick stop at McDonald's so I can get Avery a happy meal?" With my piggy bank in hand, I requested.

As in, "What about you, Alex?" With my piggy bank in her hand, she asked me.

I comforted her, "Oh, I'm not hungry, it's okay," as I looked at my brother, who was beaming. Obviously, I was being dishonest. I was so hungry I thought I would die, but I didn't have enough money in my piggy bank to feed us both.

"All right, guys, let's go" With a soft grin on her lips, she nodded. I saw her anxiously glancing back into the kitchen.

Don't be afraid of the needles, okay? "They're my mom's medicine," I said proudly as we walked out of the apartment. Her face suddenly took on a melancholy expression. I can't figure out why her reaction was so negative.

I always had an inkling that these were drugs, but I played dumb whenever I was in Avery's or an adult's presence. I didn't understand why they were awful, but I saw what they did to my mom and I understood. They caused her to become weak and ill. Neither she nor I ever enjoyed seeing her perform. She wasn't a terrible mother, but she also wasn't great.

I had my first experience with anxiety while we were eating McDonald's in a parking lot. The future of Avery and I was a complete unknown to me. I was worried about losing him, but I wasn't going to allow things to go that far. After days without eating, I quickly devoured the food Ms. Jane insisted on purchasing for me. Before taking us back to her place, she stopped to get ice cream.

"Here, Alex, hold your blanket, and Avery, hold yours" She wrapped me in the thick blanket and gave me instructions. We went downstairs, where she had already prepared the sofas for Avery and me to sleep on. I loved that my sofa faced Avery's.

The light was switched off by Ms. Jane.

She wished the lads goodnight and climbed the stairs.

Only my head was visible from beneath the covers as I slept off. Before Avery realized it was dark, he was smiling as he relaxed on his sofa.

Avery called out Alex in a low voice. I chose to remain silent.

This time his murmur of "Alex" was stronger than the last, drawing my attention and pulling me out of my thoughts.

From the comfort of my sofa, I said "yes" and gave him a silent glance.

He murmured, "I'm scared," as he cautiously looked around the room. I can't say for certain what prompted his extreme aversion to darkness, but he clearly had a problem with it.

I groaned and pulled back the covers to let him in. He raced over and hopped in behind me, grinning.

Alex, I think we'll be OK. He inquired as he pulled the covers up to his chin. I could not have lied to him.

I nodded reassuringly and said, "Yeah, you'll be alright."