To Our Pinky Promises

'We'll have to go our separate ways for college soon.' I typed in my thoughts.

'Yeah.' He agreed.

'But we're still gonna be best friends, right?' I texted.

'Of course.' He texted back.

'Pinky Promise?'

'Yeah, pinky promise.'

~•~•~

4 years later

~•~•~

I stumble out of the door in my heels and felt someone catch me before I could face plant the ground.

The air was a bit chilly but it was still bearable. I caught a whiff of smoke from the burning cigarettes of teenagers that were lounging on the yard, away from the loud music.

I raised my head and giggled at the sight of him. 'You look stoopid.' I slurred.

He smirked, his hand firmly placed on my waist as he pulled me against his body.

Now, now. Yes, I'm drunk. But was I drunk enough to be stupid drunk? No, I was not.

I shook him off me, staggering to stand up on my own. The heels were hurting the balls of my feet and it was almost impossible to balance myself on them. I dropped down to a squat at lightning speed, shocking the guy that was holding me as he took half a step back from me with his hands raised in surrender, as if to say he didn't do it.

I scoffed at his gesture while my fingers fumbled with the straps of my heels, trying to undo them.

The guy crouched beside me as he tried to see what I was trying to do. When he inched closer, his hands reaching out to me, my hand shot out to stop him, halting his movements. I turned to face him, my eyelids half-closed as I tried to fight against the drowsiness that was starting to hit me full force.

'I can do it,' I told him sassily.

He raised his eyebrows before raising his hands again in surrender and moving back.

I went back to work on the straps. When I finally got them off, I hooked the straps to my fingers and straightened up. I shook my feet, trying to ease the pain in my feet. The balls of my feet felt raw, as if a blistering was forming.

As I stood there, trying to get used to the pain in my feet, a few other guys burst through the door behind us, leaving the party that was at full swing, and jumped the guy that was with me.

'Ty! You leaving already?' One of them greeted as he gave Ty a back hug.

Since I didn't know them, I decided to ignore them and started trying to walk gingerly instead.

When Ty saw me walk away, he caught up with me, his friends on his trail. He slung his hand across my shoulder and brought me closer to his side.

'You're drunk, babe, let me get you home.'

Before I could answer, a deep voice interrupted from beside me. 'I don't think that's a good idea, mate.'

I turned at the familiar voice, crunching my face up in confusion. What were the chances that I'd see him here? Oh right, a lot.

'Alex?'

Alex didn't bother acknowledging my presence. He looked down at his cigarette that was already burning short, took one last draw from it before dropping it to the ground and stepping on it, snuffing it out.

'Mind your own business, buddy.' Ty sounded annoyed. His friends were suddenly crowding the both of us, as if trying to make their presence known.

I looked around at the towering men around me and then back at Alex.

What was happening?

'I'd rethink what you're about to do if I were you,' Alex said, pointedly looking at Ty's arm that was slung around my shoulder.

It was just then that I realized it was still sitting there. I frowned at it and tried to shrug it off but Ty's hand latched onto my shoulder and brought me even closer to him, if that was even possible.

I scowled at Ty. My mind was still hazy and everything I did was sluggish but I was conscious enough to know when someone was being a douchebag.

'I know the girl, man. I'm just saying, she's got quite the family. If you know what's best for you, I suggest you back off.' Alex spoke again. His tone wasn't threatening and his body language was relaxed but his eyes betrayed him.

Maybe it was the alcohol getting to me and making me see things but I could've sworn that a storm was brewing behind those grey eyes.

'What's that gotta do with you?' Ty snapped irritably.

Alex shrugged, coming off nonchalant about the situation. 'I'm just worried about you boys. Guys gotta look out for each other, am I right?' He threw in a lazy grin.

I snorted unattractively through my drunken stupor. 'God, still the jackass that he is.' I muttered under my breath.

If any of the boys heard me, they didn't show it.

Their eyes were locked on each other the entire time, unwavering.

I grumbled under my breath incoherently before throwing my head back, hitting Ty's arm that was still there lightly, to look at the sky in frustration. I looked back at the guys, specifically, at Alex. 'Are you gonna keep ignoring me? How much longer are you planning to ignore me?'

I know I sounded like a whiny attention-whore but for some reason, the situation just irks me to a whole new level.

Alex continued to ignore me as his amused eyes stayed glued at Ty. Forget what I said about how a storm was brewing behind the look he had in his eyes. The jackass was probably incapable of feeling that way in this situation.

'Don't you know that taking someone without their consent is considered kidnapping?' He tilted his head slightly, motioning to the arm that was still resting on my shoulder.

I mean, jeez, what was I? An arm rest? I mean I know these guys were giants but there's no need to make a 5'5 girl feel short y'know.

I huffed in annoyance as I crossed my arms, my heels still dangling on one hand by their straps. I started to wonder how Alex knew the exact definition of kidnapping as if he was reciting it off a textbook.

'He probably made it up. That sounds like Alex,' I thought to myself before I started giggling at myself. I must be drunk off my face to have such drastic mood swings.

Even as I giggled to myself like a lunatic, the boys still acted like I wasn't there.

Ty hasn't said anything in response to Alex's warnings and, apparently, Alex wasn't done.

'If you do anything to her without her sound consent, that'll be rape, assault, etc etc, you name it.' Alex's eyes finally flickered towards my direction as he said the next part. 'Now, she doesn't look that sober to me. I don't know if a drunken slur would count as a sound consent, boys.' Alex raised his hands palms up like 'what are you gonna do about it'.

My alcohol induced mind didn't let me process things as quickly as I normally would so it took me a moment longer to fully process what Alex had said. But before I could ponder on it any longer, Ty already had his hand off me. He stepped away, shaking his head with a glare on his face directed at Alex. 'Whatever, man. This shit ain't worth it.'

He took off with his friends in tow and I was left alone with Alex. As Ty's friends followed closely behind him, I felt one of them shove me away. I was lucky I decided to take off my heels, or else I would've broken my ankles for sure. Even without the heels on, I had little to zero balance, so the shove really threw me forward.

I stumbled a few steps, my arms flailing by my sides, trying to find something to hold onto. The dizziness that I was already feeling didn't help as I tried to figure out how close I was from hitting the ground and which side of my body I should brace first for impact.

But I suddenly felt hands slipping under my arm and bearing my weight.

I slowly opened my eyes and relaxed my pain-ready crunched up face. I looked up and met Alex's eyes.

He looked at me silently, his face not giving off any indication of what he was thinking. His expression was wiped clean and I couldn't guess what he was feeling.

I stared back at him, tilting my head to the side as I tried to figure him out.

After a while, a word left his lips. 'Idiot.'

And pop.

There went my bubble.

Alex's arms raised me to help me stand on my own feet again. Maybe it was the disorientation of the whole stumbling and flailing, but my throat had suddenly went dry.

I cleared my throat and took a step back to grant the both of us some much needed personal space.

Before we could say anything to each other, someone yelled my name.

'Em!'

I swung my body around, which was possibly the stupidest thing a drunk person can do.

I stumbled on my feet again, and luckily caught myself this time, arms outstretched like someone learning how to skate for the first time.

Kimmy jogged up to me. 'I was searching everywhere for you! I thought you left with that guy!'

'Who?' I asked.

'That blondie who got you those drinks!' She reminded.

My mouth shaped an 'o'. 'Yeah, nope. This guy got rid of 'em.' I giggled, pointing at Alex with my thumb.

But Kimmy didn't turn to look at Alex. Instead, she squinted at me before grabbing my shoulders and looking at me closely.

Another round of sudden dizziness hit me and I shut my eyes closed tightly before shaking my head to get rid of it.

'Em, are you..' she hesitated before spitting the word out, 'stoned?'

I snorted at what she said. 'Me? Stoned? Yeah, right.' I laughed.

After three seconds, I stopped laughing as realization hit me.

'Shit.'

I looked at Kimmy in horror as the situation hit me.

'I'm stoned, aren't I?'

Kimmy gulped and nodded as she looked at me worriedly.

'Did they give you anything?' Kimmy asked, knowing I wouldn't have consciously gotten stoned.

I shook my head, 'Just the drink..' I trailed off.

'The drink.' Kimmy and I said simultaneously, me with a groan and Kimmy anxiously.

I bit my bottom lip. 'My folks are gonna whoop my ass.'

'Let's just get that ass whooping over and done with, then.' Kimmy told me before finally turning to Alex and acknowledging his presence.

'Can you stay with her for a bit? I'll just go back inside to grab my things and then I'll take her home.'

Alex nodded mutely and Kimmy jogged back to the entrance of the house. The party was still full on blast and if I wasn't so stoned, I'd probably be able to notice how the ground under my feet was slightly vibrating from the loud speakers.

After Kimmy left, Alex led me to the nearest short stone wall. The stone wall went around the perimeter of the property but it was only as tall as my chest.

I placed my heels on the ground by the wall and hoisted myself up the wall clumsily with my wobbly arms.

I was wearing a crop top and shorts but I couldn't care less. If they saw anything more than what they're supposed to see, it's their fault for seeing it.

But Alex didn't seem to have the same mindset as I do as he shouted, 'Woah, woah!' and turned around to look the other way in lightning speed.

I ignored him and made myself comfortable as I plopped down on the wall.

When I finally stopped fussing around, Alex finally turned his head to peek over his shoulder.

'Yes, Alex, it's safe to look now.' I rolled my eyes.

He finally turned around to face me, shaking his head and muttering 'dumbass' under his breath.

A frown immediately formed on my face as I called him out on it. 'Hey! Who're you calling a dumbass? Dumbass.'

There was a pause before I responded to myself. 'Oh wait, that's me.'

I started giggling. For some reason, what I said sounded ridiculously hilarious to my own ears, causing my giggle to grow into a full-blown guffaw.

Alex sighed, shaking his head. He walked towards me and picked up the heels I dropped on the ground earlier.

He bent over and started to brush the dirt off my feet.

My feet felt ticklish so I started squirming, pulling my feet away from his hands while giggling.

'Stay still,' Alex snapped as he snatched my leg by my ankle.

'But this wall is cold! My butt is cold!' I whined, rubbing my bare thighs to bring some warmth to them.

Alex grumbled incoherently under his breath but he straightened up and took off his jacket, throwing it on my lap before bending down again to continue cleaning my feet.

I accepted the jacket and tucked it around my legs and under it to keep them from touching the cold hard surface of the wall.

I looked at Alex silently as he worked on slipping my heels onto my feet and strapping them up. He had a frown on his face as he tried to figure out how to put them on me.

'Why are you so grumpy? You weren't always grumpy.' I asked him out of the blue in a low voice. I was scared that he'd snap and leave

His frown deepened as his finger continued to fiddle with the straps of my heels. 'What are you talking about?'

Finally, Alex managed to figure out how the straps worked and fastened them. He started to work on the other one as he threatened, 'If you're gonna start blabbering about the past again, I'll leave.'

That shut me up for a while. I watched him brush off more dirt my foot before putting my heels on me.

After taking a deep breath, I started blurting out things I wouldn't have if I was sober and turned into a blubbering mess. 'I'm sorry I called you all those names. I didn't mean to.'

Alex froze just as he was about to fasten the straps. He raised his head to look at me as I sniffled and ugly cried, wiping my tears away furiously. My make up was probably a mess at that point but I couldn't find it in me to care.

I should look as ugly on the outside as I was on the inside. I've hurt this boy in ways I shouldn't have when he wholeheartedly trusted me.

I guess Alex was too stunned to say anything as we remained like that until Kimmy came over.

Upon seeing the blubbering mess I've been reduced to, Kimmy freaked out. 'What happened?' She turned to Alex. In her hands were our things.

I started crying even louder, like a kid who just fell off the stairs. 'It's fault. I'm the bitch. It's all my fault!' I started beating myself, hitting my head over and over until a hand grabbed me and stopped my hand from abusing me any further.

I didn't dare raise my head so I stayed like that, head hung in shame and crying tears the size of bullets.

When I was done crying, I felt exhausted so I let Alex and Kimmy help me down the wall and lead me to the car.

'Kimmy! Kimmy, look! There's another car just like yours!' I clapped slowly in my drowsy state.

'You're a goner, Em. You're even hallucinating now, oh Lord.' Kimmy retorted breathlessly as she helped me into her car.

I giggled, 'But there really is two of your car. There's two of that steering wheel, two of this dashboard and two of you! Oh my God! There's two of you Kimmy! Yay! There's an extra Kimmy to love! I love you, Kimmy!'

'Uh.. after crying that much, she's probably be tired. She's got a lazy eye that acts up when she's exhausted. That's why she's seeing double of everything. Just make sure she gets some rest once she gets home and she'll be fine.' Alex said.

Kimmy's eyebrows rose at that, 'How'd you kno-'

I heard Alex ask Kimmy if she'll be able to drive before she could finish her question.

'Yeah, I was the designated driver so I didn't drink.' Kimmy answered.

There was a long pause and I thought they had gone somewhere so I struggled to open my eyes to check what was happening. My eyes felt like they've been glued shut together but I managed to peel them apart.

Alex was still standing there, beside the car door by my side, eyes looking at something in Kimmy's hand while my friend waited for him to say something with raised eyebrows.

'Huh,' he exhaled, running a hair through his hair as he talked to himself. 'Of course she'd bring a bloody book to a party.'

Finally, he looked at Kimmy and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, 'And uh.. I don't know if you know but just look out for her when you guys are in the mall or walking somewhere and she has a book in her hands. She won't even realize if the world was ending once she opens one of her books so just look out for her, especially on escalators and on the streets.'

I didn't hear the rest of their conversation because I conveniently chose to black out right then and there.

So much for eavesdropping.

'Love you. 😘' I smiled at the text and typed up my own.

'Love you too, bro.' I bit my lip to suppress the grin that was trying to show itself.

I raised my head and watched the dark trees outside my car window pass by in a blur. The occasional yellow lights would flash through the glass and cast a blinking effect over my arm and lower body.

'What are you smiling about,' my driver asked, causing me to turn to face him.

I felt a hand turning my body and shaking it, 'Em! Wake up! You're scaring me with that smile!'

When I came to, I realized that I had been biting my lips, a smile threatening to split my face in two.

The smile was quickly wiped off my face when the pain in my head finally hit me full force.

I groaned, hands flying to caress my throbbing head.

'Yeah, I was expecting that.' Kimmy said as she took one of my hands and placed pills on it.

I squinted through the slits that were my eyes to see what it was.

'Drink,' Kimmy ordered as she held out a cup of water for me.

I forced myself to sit up, throwing the pills into my mouth and taking a swig of water.

The liquid was definitely refreshing. My mouth had felt as dry as sandpaper and I could feel a sore-throat coming.

I handed the cup back to Kimmy and laid back down to nurse my head.

'Are you sober enough to answer some questions? I've been dying of curiosity since last night! If I keep it to myself any longer, I'm pretty sure I'll explode.' Kimmy rambled, bouncing on the bed like a little kid.

My hand shot out and took a hold of her hand, squeezing it to make her stop bouncing and making my headache worse.

'What?' I asked her without opening my eyes whilst massaging my temples lightly. The sunlight was still too much for me.

'Since when were you friends with Alex?' She asked.

I froze the second I heard his name.

I turned to her slowly, fighting the urge to wince from the sunlight like a vampire.

'Why?' I asked slowly as I looked at her intently.

'Don't you remember?' She asked.

I gave her a confused look, to which she shook her head at.

'Wow, you really were stoned.' She mused.

My eyes widened significantly. 'I was what?!'

'You were fine, you were knocked out cold but I called your parents and told them we were sleeping at my place instead.' She said.

I breathed out in relief, 'Thanks, Kimmy. You're a life saver.'

'Don't I know that,' she muttered, before she realized she was digressing. 'Hey! You haven't answered my question, were you close to Alex?'

'And you haven't answered my question. Why are you asking?' I asked back.

'He saved your ass last night and started spewing stuff that even I didn't know. I thought I was your best friend; no one knows you better than I do.' She sounded a bit offended whilst stating the the last part.

'You are, Kim.' I assured her.

'So..' She trailed off, baiting me.

I avoided her eyes, running a hand through my hair. 'It's complicated.' I muttered.

'Oh, don't give me that bullshit, Em!' She called me out.

I leaned away from her, a bit taken aback by her outburst.

'I told you I've been suppressing my urge to find out since last night, this is all pressured curiosity that will explode anytime now.' She gestured to herself.

One end of my lips quirked up into a half amused smile at her antics before it disappeared again once I remembered why she was being like this.

By this time, my eyes have adjusted fairly well to the brightness of the room so I was able to look out the room's window, at Kim's backyard.

'I don't know where to start..' I trailed off. Before she could snap at me again, I held up a finger and said, 'Just give me a sec to arrange my thoughts.'

There was no reason not to tell Kim. She's my best friend. And yes, as of this moment, she was probably the one person who knows me best.

'It's not that complicated, honestly.' I started, 'We were best friends in middle school.'

Kimmy's expression morphed into a puzzled one. 'Then why did you have that look on your face like you're constipated?'

I raised my eyebrows, realizing the my brows were furrowed and that there were creases on my forehead. I reached my forehead with my fingers and tried to smoothen out the lines.

'It's just not something that makes me happy when I remember it.' I told her.

'Happy like that dream you just had?' She asked teasingly, poking my cheeks.

The dream.

Right, the dream.

I casted my eyes downwards, at my entwined hands.

'No..' she gasped. 'Were you really dreaming about him?!' She shrieked as she jumped on the bed to scoot closer to me.

I stayed silent as I nibbled on my bottom lip.

'But.. what?!' She asked incredulously. 'How did a memory that made you smile like that in your dream be something that's painful for you to talk about?'

I shrugged, still unable to look at her.

After a moment of silence, she calmed down and finally took my hand.

'Okay, Em. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Just know I'm here for you no matter what, okay?' She squeezed my hand reassuringly, causing me to give her a smile.

'Thanks, Kim.' I breathed in deeply before asking her if I could rest some more, using the pain in my head as an excuse.

'Yeah, of course. Are you sure you don't want to eat some breakfast first, though?' She asked me.

I never pass up on food. So, the worried look Kimmy gave me was fully justified.

I just wanted to lay under the covers and stay in my own thoughts right now.

A familiar surge of heaviness settled in me. It was an indescribable sadness that shadowed over me. I knew what was causing it. I knew what I had to do to break through it.

But just like 4 years ago, when he had left, I didn't fight the sadness. I embraced it and let it fill up the hole in my heart, even though it caused the organ in my chest to feel like it weighed a few extra pounds.

I knew what professionals call this feeling. Depression.

A lot of people fought to break through it and overcome it. I was one of them. But once in a while, when it pops up out of nowhere during days like these, I just didn't have the will to fight it.

On the contrary, I was more than willing to let it stay. Although it made me feel dark and heavy, the constant weight was familiar and can be quite comforting at times. The weight it carried made it easy to identify its presence and it made me feel like I wasn't really alone.

I stayed under the covers and brought it over my head as I let the sadness consume me.

I heard the door click shut as Kimmy left the room to give me some space.

Tears flowed from my eyes and dripped onto the pillowcase as memories flooded my mind, both the beautiful and the painful ones.

Memories of the laughter we had together, exchanging amused looks, sneaking gifts for each other to avoid being teased by classmates, our text messages, and most importantly how I felt at that time.

But what spoiled those memories was what came next. The reminder of why all of those things were only memories now. The feeling of abandonment as I remembered how he turned his back on me and left. The deep feeling of longing I can't quite shake off even after all these years. The ache that gnawed inside me that I had no permanent remedy for.

These feelings were an old friend to me. I once interacted with them on a daily basis before our encounters got reduced to twice a week, once a week and eventually, a few times a year.

But I knew there was no way I could break free from it forever. No matter how busy I was, how many friends I surround myself with, how happy I try to make myself, the reminder of him, of our old friendship, will still break down my walls and consume me whole.

It was a never ending cycle.

But I can't say that I hated it.

After all, it was the only reminder I had of the friendship I've cherished so much over the years.

The only reminder of the friend I loved.

'Hey, you alright?' Kimmy asked when I stepped out of her room.

I nodded, giving her a weak smile.

'Have some food,' Kimmy gestured to the plates on the table and I gratefully sat down on one the seats to start digging in.

When I finished eating my food, I felt slightly better. The hammering of my head had dulled down to a slight throb and I don't feel nauseous as I did anymore.

Kimmy stayed silent and watched me as I ate, as if she was afraid I'd have another mental breakdown.

I gave her a smile to reassure her that I was better now.

'Don't worry too much. It was something that happened a long time ago.' I told her, waving off her concerns. 'It's just been a long time since I last thought about it, that's why I took it hard earlier. I'm okay, now.'

I wasn't lying, I really did feel okay. I wasn't feeling my best but I was okay. The weight that clung onto me had become familiar once again and once I've adjusted myself to it, it was bearable.

I could tell that Kimmy had a lot of questions she wanted to ask me, and I didn't blame her. She was my closest friend and after having thought about it for the last hour, I figured that she had the right to know.

'We were best friends in middle school,' I started to say, although she didn't ask.

Kimmy remained silent as I continued to tell her the story I've bottled up and buried deep in my mind.

'We had been in the same school since we were in kindergarten but it was only in middle school that we really talked. He had a crush on my best friend and asked me for some help and we became close friends. We talked every day, he was there for me and I was there for him. But we were kids. Eventually, our friends found out about how close we were and started to tease us. I would overreact and lose my shit at them for bringing up something so incredulous and say that I'd never consider being with him even if he did like me. I would call him names to make them think I didn't like him so that they would stop teasing us. I don't know why I did that but I know it must've hurt him. I was the one person he trusted most and I had hurt him with words I didn't mean.' I played with my food as I kept on talking.

I knew if I raised my head and looked at Kimmy, I won't be able to continue the story.

'At one point, I guess he grew sick of how I'd overreact and we had a huge fight.'

My mind flashed back to that day.

'I think we should stop being friends,' He texted.

My mind was still warped around what my friend had said and all I could feel was irritation and annoyance over how these people can't mind their own businesses and leave us alone. I wasn't exactly thinking straight so when I read Alex's text, all I felt was the residual anger and annoyance that was directed at the nosy people around us.

'Fine, whatever.' I texted back, my fingers hitting my phone's keyboard with a little more force than what was necessary.

After sitting there, unmoving, for another 15 minutes, I started to realize what just happened. When everything finally dawned on me, a kind of sadness I never knew I could feel settled in me.

I took my phone and opened our chat once again, typing meekly, 'Remember that promise you made? That if you didn't want to be friends anymore, you'll tell me why?'

I hesitated before typing the next message bubble, 'Why?'

I waited for a few minutes before his reply came in. 'I don't like how you overreact at everything.'

What was I supposed to reply to that? It wasn't his fault that I acted like a drama queen whenever people made fun of us.

All I could type up was an 'Okay.'

Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I saw in front of the mirror and stared at the girl looking back at me.

Was I really her?

Where was that glow I usually have around me?

Where was that smile?

No, this sadness wasn't one that I could get rid of with a few tears.

The sadness I felt afterwards was the kind of sadness that drew on for years to come. It was the sadness that makes everything reminder of him. It was the sadness that made you smile at a memory and then heavy because of it.

Because you know that's all it's gonna be. A memory.

'So that was it?' Kimmy asked.

I shook my head. 'That's half of the story.'

'After we stopped talking, I had changed into a completely different person and everyone but me noticed.'

'Em, are you okay?' Flo asked.

I turned to look at her, 'Hmm?'

It took me a few seconds to process what she said. That, too, was something that had started to occur frequently. My mind had become slower at processing things.

'Yeah, of course. Why?' I asked her curiously. I didn't think I did anything that would cause her to worry.

'No, I just.. You look different ever since you stopped being close with Alex. You look like a depressed person.' She finally blurted out.

That hit me.

Did I really look like that?

'By that point, the sadness was an old companion that had loyally stuck by my side. It was like a heavy necklace that I had gotten used to wearing. The weight didn't bother me anymore and I had even forgotten I was wearing it.' I explained to Kimmy.

'I had an aunt that would always remind me to smile but for some reason, it was really hard. Smiling felt difficult to me.' I shrugged.

I could feel the look of sympathy Kimmy sent my way as she reached out and grabbed my hand.

I gave her a small smile before continuing on with the story.

'Half a year passed and he had gotten together with my best friend. I was happy for them and my best friend knew what I've done to help him win her over so she tried to 'repay' me. She got Alex to give me another chance at being his friend and so Alex and I became friends again. But he and my best friend eventually broke up and I helped him get through it.' I smiled at the memory, like I always have.

'He'd make me stay up late to keep him company because he was lonely and ring me up in the morning because of the same reason. I made sure not to let history repeat itself and kept my cool the second time around, thinking that we'll be able to keep our friendship that way.'

'But I was wrong.'

Just like that, the memory turned bitter again, and I had to fight my habitual urge to shut it out.

'We drifted apart at the end of middle school. The boy that never kept anything from me started lying. Long story short, I couldn't trust him anymore and it just didn't work out.' I shrugged, trying to make light of it.

It's happened 4 years ago, Em. Get over it.

Silence blanketed the room as we just sat there and let everything sink in.

'You loved him.' Kimmy said after a while.

That snapped my attention. I looked at her.

'Huh? Yeah, of course I loved him. He was like a brother to me,' I told her.

Kimmy shook her head, 'No, I mean you 'loved loved' him.'

I tilted my head at what she said and considered the possibility.

Did I?

I shook my head, 'Honestly, I was so focused in trying to make the friendship last and not fucking up that I didn't allow myself to consider that possibility. I locked my emotions up in a cage and threw the keys away.' I looked at Kimmy and smiled. 'In the end, I got so confused with my feelings that I didn't know what's what anymore. I didn't allow myself to feel because I didn't want to lose him. Now, I'm a mess that is a stranger to her own heart.'

'Oh, Em.' Kimmy had a sad look in her eyes.

'I don't know what you had felt but it sounded like you did love him. I have never seen you get so down over anything before but one mention of him had you locking yourself in the room and wanting to be alone.' Kimmy pointed out.

I guess that's a good point.

'Well, if I did love him then I guess he was my first love.' I sighed, stabbing my food with a fork and shoving it in my mouth.

What a way to end a first love.