The Space Spoon

Floating through the vacuum of space wasn't Tejeda's thing. Not knowing which way was up or down made him want to puke his guts out. But he couldn't. Not in that spacesuit. That would have meant staying in his own puke indefinitely. The image made him want to vomit even harder.

What was the point anyway? Weeks, months, or even years could pass till a spaceship would drop out of hyperspace in this god-forsaken part of the universe. It would have been best to take out his helmet and breathe in the void. But the cold touch of the spoon that hung on his neck strengthened him. Tejeda's resolve was mightier than ever. He wasn't about to let his poor lovely Carmen float in space forever.

The Nubilae slowed down his breathing to preserve the oxygen and entered a peaceful state of meditation. His plan to pass as a human hadn't worked out too well for him and led him into this predicament. Tejeda sighed. He should have known better than that and not mess around with his prey.

The contemplation of previous events was abruptly interrupted by a ragged ship that passed by at impulse speed. A beam of light caught him in its gentle embrace, moving him towards the ship's hangar bay. Tejeda came close enough to observe that numerous patches covered the vessel's exterior. It had more stitches than he got after his body was almost torn apart in his fight with the Alpha Pirates.

Once he reached the entrance to the hangar bay, the beam dropped him from two meters above the floor. The familiar feeling of gravity was a delight. As a result, Tejeda overlooked the little back pain produced by the fall. This would not have been an issue if he had been in his normal form, since he didn't have a spine to maintain. Humans were such fragile beings!

The Nubilae took off his helmet and took in the air from the ship. It was better than the one from his spacesuit's tank, but it had a horrid taste of mold. Was that what glued this ship's pieces together and kept it running?

When he shifted on his side to get up, Tejeda glimpsed a pair of black boots. As he slowly raised his head, a woman's figure came into view. Her bodily shape was flawless even beneath the ragged grey uniform. Several thoughts raced through Tejeda's mind, most of which revolved around the physiological differences between males and females.

'Maybe next time, I will try to turn into a woman. That would be interesting.' As this idea rooted in Tejeda's brain, a dumb smile appeared on his face.

"Get up, scumbag!" The woman's voice was rough and showed she was accustomed to giving orders.

Two other men dressed in similar grey uniforms helped him get up and out of his spacesuit. The woman measured Tejeda from top to bottom with a disinterested look. He was tall and a bit muscular, his shoulders broader than those of the men next to him. Was that a good thing? Was he handsome? Tejeda never understood the standards of human females.

"I am Shayla, and I am the second in charge of this ship," the woman introduced herself. "Who are you?"

"Tejeda." He gave her a plain, simple answer. If she wanted more details, she would have to ask.

It was not long before she raised another question. "What is that?"

The woman vaguely pointed toward his neck. For a second, Tejeda wavered. Had he lost his human form? Moving a hand to his neck, he found his beloved spoon and laughed. "Oh, this? Shayla, meet Carmen, my trusted companion."

The second in command raised an eyebrow before asking, "And what exactly is Carmen?"

Tejeda giggled, remembering that almost no one knew what a spoon was since now the air provided the needed nourishments directly into the body and eating had become obsolete. "Carmen is an ancient tool used to insert food into the body through the mouth. It is called a spoon."

The mere mention of inserting food into the mouth caused Shayla to gasp in revulsion. She clicked her tongue and gestured to one of the men to come closer. "Trey, check Tejeda to see if he is a Nubilae. We can't have those bastards infiltrate our ship."

The smile on Tejeda's face widened before he opened his mouth, letting the man check his mouth's palate. The guy gave the verdict. "He is clean."

Of course, the Nubilae was grinning. It wasn't for nothing that he extracted the poisonous fang that was growing on the palate of each member of his species. Without that surgical procedure, Tejeda couldn't properly do his job. Indeed, he had fewer weapons at his disposal now, but to hear how people cleared him out every time because of this made all the pain worthwhile.

Shayla gestured for him to follow. The inner part of the ship was in even worse shape than the outside. Wall panels hung off from their hinges as wires sparkled electricity into thin air. Maybe Tejeda was better off drifting in space than being crushed inside this vessel when it would fall apart.

The woman stopped when they reached a vast cargo hold which had been transformed into an arena. More than a hundred people crammed next to the walls leaving the center of the room free for something.

A man even taller than Tejeda came next to him. The man was more of a monster than a human, showing muscles in places where the Nubilae didn't think he needed them. Shayla pointed to a weapon's rake. It was full of axes, swords, spears, and other stuff that Tejeda couldn't name. He smiled, thinking that humans were still using ancient weapons to inflict pain, but they had forgotten what a spoon was. Their sadistic tendencies were interesting indeed.

"You two will fight to the death. The winner will become a member of the crew. The loser will be floated. Pick a weapon." Shayla gave her speech and then joined the crowd.

The muscle man picked a hammer. Tejeda smiled and liberated Carmen from the chain around his neck.

The muscle man looked at Carmen and laughed. Tejeda holding out the spoon in a melee stance was also pretty amusing. The crowd created an echo like pieces of dominoes falling. Everyone laughed, Tejeda included. He had learned long ago that laughing when everyone else did was good, even if he didn't understand why the amusement.

Suddenly, the blonde pack of muscles stopped, his blue eyes shooting Tejeda. "Why are you laughing?"

That question put the Nubilae in a really tough spot. He had felt this way only once before when one of his tentacles emerged during a conclave of the Universal Consensus. Their Grand Admiral was an important man. It was well known that he didn't possess tentacles or other appendages.

All things considered, Tejeda gave the same answer as back then. "It is one of my hidden abilities. That is how I stretch my face muscles. Do you like it?"

His opponent wasn't impressed or amused by the response. Instead, he raised his hammer and took a shot at Tejeda from above. When it hit the floor, the sound of metal clashing metal gave a sour taste inside the Nubilae's mouth. Standing on the right side of the blonde giant, Tejeda hit him with Carmen over the ear. "Take this for creating such an unnecessary distasteful sound."

With his right hand occupied in holding the hammer, the muscle man put his left hand over his ear.

"What a pussy!" The crowd laughed loudly, several leaned on their mates to avoid falling on their asses. "The new guy would better throw that thing and fight with his bare fists. He would have a better chance with both hands free than holding such a worthless thing."

Tejeda clicked his tongue in annoyance. How could they suggest he should throw Carmen away? Was it possible for humans to be so depraved?

His thoughts were interrupted when the big guy took another swing at him. Tejeda ducked, hitting his attacker's knee cap. Carmen didn't inflict any damage.

The crowd cheered. "It was fun!"

"Yeah, it was. Karl, finish him!"

"We had enough of this bullshit."

Rather than swinging his hammer again, Karl used his elbow, hitting Tejeda in the chin, which threw the Nubilae to the ground. A smirk appeared on the muscle man's face as he raised his hammer to give the finishing blow. When he stood above Tejeda, the latter could see a beauty spot under the corner of his opponent's left eye. How could he not see it before? Usually, he was good at spotting interesting details.

As the hammer was about to smash through his face, Tejeda remembered he was in a fight and pushed himself through the attacker's legs. During the slide over the floor, he used Carmen to apply a targeted hit on Karl's genitals.

Tejeda knew that was a painful spot. He was hit there once, and the pain had been excruciating, to say the least. From that moment forward, Tejeda never grew the nerves that enter the genitals ever again. He could live without any sensations in that place.

The Nubilae gazed at his companion, sadness in his eyes. "Sorry, my dear Carmen, for putting you through such an ordeal. I hope you will forgive me someday."

A huge hand snatched the spoon from Tejeda's hands. He reached out after it, but it was out of his grasp. Karl threw Carmen on the floor, yelling. "That hurt! Take this!"

The hammer rose high into the air. It was about to drop over Carmen, and that would have flattened it completely. Tejeda couldn't allow that. In a blink of an eye, he flashed right between Carmen and the hammer.

Karl's eyes widened with amazement as he raised his blood-stained hammer. Red fluid dripped from the Nubilae's head. The big guy pushed him with his foot and overturned him on his back. He was dead alright. Karl signaled it to the crowd, who cheered again.

Carmen was still on the ground. Everyone was so hyped that no one saw how the corpse's hand reached out for the spoon and stuck it into his pocket. When the commotion mellowed, Karl's voice echoed. "I'll throw out the garbage."

His overdeveloped muscles hardened as he grabbed the collar of Tejeda's shirt and dragged him to the airlock. A red trail was left behind by the motionless body, perfectly showing the route to their destination.

Upon arriving at the airlock, Karl pushed the button to open the door. He put the corpse on the floor and was preparing to leave the airlock when he saw a dot under the corner of Tejeda's left eye. Also, his hair seemed a lot brighter than before, almost as blonde as Karl's.

The muscle man never knew what hit him. Well, it was Tejeda's fist, but he couldn't know as he was already in the dreamworld.

After a few minutes, Tejeda was outside of the airlock and the door sealed behind him. His first action was to take Carmen from his pocket and polish it thoroughly with a clean corner of his shirt. Now it was shining, and the Nubilae's reflection was spot on. His short blonde hair, his blue eyes, the beauty mark under the corner of his left eye, all these were his new features.

Carmen seemed smaller now in his hand. Maybe that was because his hands were now bigger. Tejeda hung the spoon on the chain, which barely closed around his massive neck. The Nubilae smiled. He should find a longer chain.

Tejeda grinned, thinking of how lucky he was that he didn't have his central nervous system in the cranial cavity. His thick index finger pressed the red button, and a female's apathetic voice started the countdown. When it reached zero, the outer hatch opened, and the body of the real Karl floated into space together with Tejeda's clothes.

A sheepish smile covered the Nubilae's face as he scratched his head, looking very foolish. "Heh, I forgot to ask him the name of this ship!"

Tejeda was heading towards somewhere, and by saying 'somewhere', that is the most accurate way to put it. Simply strolling through an unknown ship with an unknown name. Unknown faces passed by him, most of them not even noticing his current persona.

"Hey, Karl, weren't you supposed to be on duty today?"

The voice came from a short olive-skinned man with small, apricot-shaped eyes who stopped right in front of him. Paying more attention to this man, Tejeda realized that he wasn't so short; Tejeda was too tall. Oh, right, he was Karl now!

The Nubilae giggled with a sheepish smile on his face. That face had such an easy way to make a fool's appearance, and those muscles looked like they were accustomed to make him look like that.

"I," he coughed softly, trying to alter his voice and tonality. Tejeda wasn't used to that low pitch. "It seems like that spoon hit me harder than I thought."

The unknown human's eyebrows furrowed as perfect cylinders. "Spoon? What is that?"

Tejeda shrugged. "Nevermind. Just point me in the right direction. I can't seem to remember where I was supposed to work today."

"You have clearly hit your head! Go up the corridor, and the last door on the right is Shayla's office. She gives the duties, and you are late. I don't want to be in your shoes now."

"You would stump and fall anyway. Besides, I can't possibly be late. The speed of time is a second per second."

Tejeda left the baffled man behind and went straight to Shayla's office. He stopped for a second before entering, arranging his ragged outfit. Was Shayla fond of muscle men, or should he change this body? That thought crossed his mind without any notice. He shook his head as if to toss away that idea.

After he entered the second in command's office, Tejeda went for an official salute. His body froze in the middle of the movement upon realizing that he didn't know what salute to use. There were no clear indications of what faction this vessel belonged to, no badges on people's chests. Most likely, these were hooligans or a rogue crew and, therefore, no salute was necessary. He remained slightly bent, with his right hand awkwardly half-raised in a dumb pose.

Shayla didn't see his gawky stare and posture as she didn't look at him at all. Instead, she greeted him with words thrown at him with harshness. "You are late. I put you on the exterior repair crew. If you die, there won't be any losses, and we are overcrowded anyway."

Tejeda nodded. He was able to get important information from what she stated. That was the reason they put people to fight when new recruits came in. As it turned out, Karl was on the bottom of the list of needed crewmen. He should work his way up the ranks if he wanted to avoid fighting or dying in the near future.

The perfect opportunity for him emerged sooner than he thought. A pair of bickering men in white suits barged into Shayla's office.

"I told you already. There is nothing wrong with it, biologically speaking. I have taken tissue samples, and there is nothing close enough to explain the problem."

The other man pouted and raised a hand. With a swipe-down movement, he opened a transparent screen in the middle of the room. A message appeared in red letters at the top left corner of the screen. "Welcome, Harland King, doctor in chemistry, the leader of the synthetic team. Species: Human. Security level threat: 0/10."

Harland opened data streams whizzing at light speed on the screen, mainly statistics and tables. "Shayla, please come and take a look. You haven't replied to any of our messages, and we are in dire need of you to decide if we throw all our carrots."

"What are the side effects of a non-carrot diet?" Shayla asked, rising from her chair and paying no attention to Tejeda.

"Well, the substances we take from them keep blood sugar levels under control, strengthen bones and improve eyesight."

Shayla nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. "We can make do without carrots for a while. Can't you find the source of this disease and cure the carrots we have?"

The two men shook their heads as their helplessness could clearly be seen in their eyes. "We tried everything. Testing various methods has been done in order to determine if something can delay the rotting process. Nothing worked."

When Harland King finished talking, he saw Tejeda looking at his screen over his shoulder. The blonde muscle man laughed. "I think I have an idea."

The Nubilae pushed the scientist aside and started working on the transparent screen in the middle of the room. Various data and formulas appeared as he continued typing. Shayla whispered into Harland's ear. "Do you know what he is doing?"

The man shook his head vigorously. "I have no idea."

Suddenly, Tejeda stopped and turned around to face the audience. "I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want first?"

Shayla smiled in amusement. "I will indulge you. Give me the good one."

"I have found a way to cure all the carrot stocks in the cargo bay and the hydroponics."

"Wonderful! I could applaud now if it weren't for the bad news."

Tejeda was lost there for a moment because of her smile. He recovered quickly and continued. "The bad part is that the carrots must be in a thermodynamic equilibrium on a descending vector from the orbit of a blue star."

Harland King burst into laughter. "This is the craziest idea I have heard in my entire life. And I work with people having underdeveloped brains. Yours is simply overflowing with muscles."

The doctor in chemistry touched the screen and swiped up, making it disappear. Tejeda wanted to stop him but wasn't fast enough. The Nubilae smiled. "Ha, I can do it too. I saw you doing it once before."

When Tejeda raised his hand and swiped down, the screen reappeared. This time the message in the top left corner was a bit different. "Welcome, Tejeda Hajar, Major in the Interplanetary Police, undercover expert for the Supervising Unit. Species: Nubilae. Security level threat: 10/10."

Tejeda whistled, the right corner of his bottom lip curled in an idiot stance. "Oops, I did it again!"