The Secret Confession

In the night, the moon glowed on my face as I gazed up at the sky. Like my life, the night was silent and dark. There was nothing more that could be lost. I was sick of hearing, "A woman compromises her entire life." She is expected to keep her wants hidden and act as though everything is fine. In a conservative society, her sexual choice is unacceptable. A lady who talks about her desires and sex is a woman of terrible character who is unfit for society.

She has been stereotyped as someone who should be meek and simply accept what a guy says, and she has spent her entire life making changes and compromises.

I was certainly not one of those meek women, yet love takes precedence over physical contact with a man. My soul should be the one that mates with my lover. As a romance fan, my expectations for a romantic hero were unrealistic, and finding them all in my husband was an arduous task.

Yes, I was a married lady who prioritized my responsibilities as a wife over my sexual urges. I believed that taking care of my husband's needs was more essential than looking after myself. I didn't want to marry a stranger, but I had a hunch that one day my arranged marriage would be full of love and commitment.

However, after only a month of marriage, I felt that there was a disconnect between us. I was so in love with him I will go to any length for him, yet my inner self, as a woman, was still unsatisfied. She yearned for more. She desperately needed more. As a wanted woman, The Spark never piqued my interest. But I was married, and that was the end of my story!

For me, thinking about any other man was a sin. I desired to stay faithful to my husband and to be his wife for the rest of my life... I hid my deepest desires deep within my heart, where I'd never have to look for them. Because we had a life to spend together, I preoccupied myself with taking care of him and focusing on establishing our friendship......

My hopes seemed to be fulfilled when I fell pregnant after only a few months of marriage. When I heard my baby's heartbeat coming inside from my womb, tears welled up in my eyes. Nothing in this universe is more valuable than having a child of your species. I was a content woman. Lord Almighty gifted me with my husband's entire attention, love, and care. Our infant child offered us all the joy in the world. My inner self was ecstatic and danced joyfully since she had a perfect life, spouse, and child.

But I had no concept that my life was not supposed to be easy. Instead, it stung me with thorns of battle and misery of pain... I did not know that my dark days were about to begin...and they began on the fourth day after my baby's birth, when my husband abandoned me in the hospital bed, alone....leaving me to my fate.

" I am not your bloody slave who will look after the baby while you return to work. Myra, I have a life and a career. Staying with you and this baby, I don't believe, will help me achieve my goals. My personal life and job are more important to me than you and this child."

When your dreams disintegrate, even the drop of a pin causes you to shiver from your heels to your head. I was solely responsible for the upkeep of my home, as well as my own and my child's costs. My husband's only work comprised either blaming me for how pathetic I appeared or accusing me of attempting to ruin his profession and life.

Our sex life was smoldering. He was never fond of touching me. My body ached for a man's touch, but his constant body shaming was the worst smack in the face I'd ever had. He used to make fun of me for having a cracked tummy and sagging breasts. He even stopped caressing me after a year. If I tried to touch him, he would invariably flinch and remark that he wasn't in the mood.

With each passing day, I lost confidence in myself as a woman. The need to be desirable and wanted having vanished, leaving just a terrible ache in my stomach. When I called Ray, he said he was busy and wouldn't pick up the phone.

It was getting increasingly difficult for me to return to work while keeping my Lil baby away. Earning money was also vital because I didn't have anyone to help me with my costs and my children. I had to make the worst decision of my life...to leave him with my mother and continue forward in my career...with a heavy heart. It was the hardest decision I'd ever made, but I didn't have a choice.

Ray refused to stay with me, claiming that he was ambitious and that I was the largest stumbling block in his career. I was head over heels in love with Ray and will go to any length to keep us happy and close. For him, though, I was nothing more than a money vending machine who was supposed to earn and labor for the family.

The excruciating agony of life without my husband was killing me at all hours of the day and night. And with his constant nasty remarks, I believed that I had lost all of my feminine allure. I stopped looking in the mirror because I was embarrassed by my weight. Sleepless nights and loneliness were the only things left in my existence.

Living alone was the greatest fear I'd ever had, and I was nearly living it. I was out of my league in looking attractive or appealing. I had accepted the truth that love was no longer in my life and that there was only one thing left to notice...my repressed sexual cravings buried deep within my soul.

I never tried to seduce Ray because I was already in love with someone else when he entered my life, but the decision I made in life was not supposed to be mine. With my romantic relationships, I was unlucky. I believed that a married relationship would provide me with the peace of mind to live with someone for the rest of my life. Someone who I can fully claim as mine. I wanted to give Ray the happiness of the world, but he didn't want it. He had other plans, so he gradually abandoned me one day...without warning, and I was left to fight my own battles in life.

"I was under the river in a single piece of fabric covering my essentials, and the path was dark. Water dripped down my face, across my exposed breasts, and finally onto my stomach. Although the water was freezing, the brightness emanating from my body in the moonlight begged for a man's touch. I saw him staring deep into my eyes the instant I stepped out of the river, and he never left them. His aura was menacing, and he had a firm grip on me.

When he removed the last piece of clothing and grabbed my exposed breasts, his presence affected my insides, and I began panting with his single touch."

With a sigh, I awoke. Even though it was only a dream, the man of my dreams was not my husband. Even in my dreams, I longed to daydream about my husband, but his physical presence did not terrify me in the least. We only had a few minutes of intercourse where he was on top of me and penetrating me, but the sensation never penetrated my soul. As if my thirst couldn't be quenched.

But I tried to console myself by reminding myself that I am a devout woman who would never be scared by another man. But this dream stayed with me every night since I couldn't place the man in my fantasies. For me, he was a mystery man who I could only think of...and it was through him I dumped my lethal desires in vain...

After six months...

The black night's silence was syncing with my breath as if we had a link. I stopped crying because I was no longer in love. My marriage was doomed, and there was nothing I could do but stand and watch him walk away. Ray was no longer a part of my life. I put forth a lot of effort to improve my marriage and make it a success. He, on the other hand, was not intended to be with me. Bitterness and his abuse of me washed away the pain, effort, and misery. Finally, he called me a slut because he couldn't think of any other excuse to leave me.

I had reached the limit of my tolerance when I heard that word from his wise tongue. I had gained all of my confidence and power, so I begged him to leave me and move on. It would be an understatement to say that it was simple. Those restless nights of agony and unending tears were sufficient compensation.

My dream house had been shattered, and the pain beneath those dazzling eyes was too much for me to bear. The smile got lost on its way to my front door. His departure seemed like a void in my life, but I had to hang on to my feelings and move on...

However, was difficult for a young married lady like me who was also a mother of a child. Leaving my kid with my mother and battling alone in a metropolis with no one to help me was the hardest decision I had to make, but I had the responsibility of my child. In those dull eyes of mine, my lone child is the source of my happiness.

I had effectively confessed that my sex life had ended. Who wants to be attracted to a large woman with a lot of baggage? I stopped looking in the mirror since my face had lost its allure, and the most important thing that I was ashamed of was my belly fat and stretch marks, which were slowly eroding my confidence.

When I looked in the mirror, I was surprised to see my bare body. To be honest, I didn't think I could face myself. It was impossible to face the world with such low self-esteem. My huge eyes were filled with tears as I realized that here was the conclusion of the road...that was not taken. My eyes, on the other hand, made a promise to my soul that they would never allow these wonderful tears to come out of my eyes again...

The true, beautiful, and untamed self was my choice...