The One He Never Put First

On our wedding day, he had to rush to take his ex-wife to the emergency room because she was going to give birth.

I'm not a terrible person, of course I understood - she was having a baby. I just wish he would've called. Or come to our wedding at all that day.

A text would've been better than nothing.

It wasn't always like this, for a while it was great. For a while, it was the best thing I'd ever had. I'd even go so far to say it was like that for him too.

We were never perfect but I think that was what made it work, that was what made us work.

He put in the effort and I did too.

He cared.

So much that he would've given anything and everything to see a smile on my face.

He used to leave me little notes about how much he loved me on random days. Sometimes it would be cute little sentences about how much I mean to him and how I was his saving grace.

Sometimes he would leave me words like 'beyond' in the morning, he would then come back from work later that day to explain to me that it meant he loves me beyond comprehension.

The one time he left a note inside my jean pocket that ended up in the washing machine without my knowledge. I'd been so mad because all the clothes I'd been washing ended up messy from all the wet paper that got on my clothes because he was trying to be cute.

"Your jeans can always be replaced, but my love for you won't." He'd whispered to me and we'd made love the whole night that evening.

He used to insist on picking me up after work every day, he'd always said a queen like me should never bother herself with mundane activities like that, of course I'd rolled my eyes.

I knew it was because he'd always thought my colleagues had a thing for me so he wanted to make it very clear that I was taken.

To him, everyone had a thing for me, even our security guards. I think all is partly to do with the insecurities he'd accumulated through the years.

He used to be my biggest rock no matter what I was going through. Talking to him was my calm, my serenity.

We were each other's cheerleaders.

But now?

He hasn't been home in a week. I wish I could say that's something odd but it's not. It started off happening every now and then, he would miss dinners because of 'work'. And then there were never-ending business trips. Now he just disappears without saying a word.

But see, I know for a fact that he's not cheating on me. That's not the person that he is, at all. Especially having been through the things he has with his exes.

He's got a lot going on, which is something I understand.

Aaron Miller is the busiest, most successful man in the country right now. He's also my husband of a little over three years.

We met when he'd given up on love. He'd gotten a divorce from wife number four and had officially decided that was it for him, relax - he married young and the marriages didn't last very long. He'd decided that love was something that was simply not for him until I showed up... at least that's what he said.

He said that I was a light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

See, Aaron is a lover. He's the kind of man that gives himself wholeheartedly to someone that he loves. But when you keep giving yourself away like that, you end up depleted.

When you marry an older guy, you've got to be prepared to face the demons he'd accumulated through the many years. In my case specifically, the demons he'd carried from his other marriages.

It gets worse...

Aaron still keeps in contact with his ex-wives, for various reasons ranging from the fact that he's got three kids in total with three of them to the 'simple' fact that these were people who meant the world to him at one point, so he wasn't going to just throw them in the dirt once he was done with them.

I'd been 'ok' with this explanation, enough to not lose my mind. But also, it couldn't have been that bad, could it? Yes, they were his ex-wives but I was the one that he was with now. I needed to focus on that, and I did.

But when they started calling in the middle of the night as we laid in bed, and when they would show up at our home unannounced, it became a problem.

He used to say that one of the things he loved about me was the fact that I was understanding, I'd always felt like that was a trap. Because he'd said that about me, I was forced to then be 'understanding' all the time, even when I really didn't understand, and that happened to be all the time. I'd conformed over and over until it became too much. One could only keep it in for so long.

So I'd finally confronted him about it, it was something that messed my mind up for a while until I'd decided I wasn't going to do that to myself anymore. If he loved me he would understand, right?

Wrong.

This is still something we fight about three years later.

I don't like to bring it up anymore because it's something that I know will never change. So when they call, I put a smile on my face so he doesn't walk out on me because I'm 'starting again'.

When they show up to our home unannounced, I make them a nice meal because that's what a good wife does right?

And when his adoptive kids who are older than me disrespect me, I 'try to understand', because this is 'something new to them'.

But when we're all alone, when his ex-wives aren't calling and showing up, when his kids don't come around, we're great. More than just great, we're the happiest.

He sings me lullabies because I struggle to sleep most nights. He spoils me rotten. He loves me, a lot.

But is that enough?

Is it enough that I have to suffer through the misery of always being put last and being disregarded?

Is it enough to be the one he never puts first?

I guess so because this baby is not going to raise itself.

I coincidentally hold my slowly protruding belly at the thought then swerve a little to allow the aggressive driver behind me passage.

"Hi Siri, please call my husband."

I'm sure Siri is tired of that request because I am too.

But I need him to come back home. I don't care about the stupid fight we had before he left, I just need him to be here with me. I crave his proximity, I crave his love.

The deep love he used to have for me. The incredible passion that we shared. I miss it all.

But I guess he doesn't because,

"You have reached the voicemail box of ..."

I let my disappointment come out in a form of tears.

If he wants me to never utter a word about his ex-wives again, I won't. If he wants me to be his pretty little wife who doesn't voice any concerns, I will be.

All I need is for him to answer his phone and tell me that he's ok and he'll be coming home to me soon.

I let my tears stream down my face, so much that I don't notice the aggressive driver has stopped in the middle of the road.

I try to stop the car with all my might but I'm too late because not too long after our cars collide and everything goes dark.

.... for a while.

Until my eyes pop open. I ignore my seemingly disfigured body and the shattered glasses all around me.

I feel water dripping down from my head and I almost wipe it off until I realize it's too thick to be water and it's dripping out so much that I wouldn't manage to clean it all off if I tried.

I then focus on my mission to find my bag then internally smile when I reach it without having to stretch too much because I'm not sure if I would've been able to do that.

I don't have any other family, not anymore. Something about being married to a man who's old enough to be my father didn't sit right with them.

But I was in love. I AM in love.

So much so that even though he hasn't answered my last 200 calls, I still believe in him.

I believe that he will show up for me, just like he'd promised he'd always do.

But when the voicemail message sounds again, I feel my heart getting shattered into a million pieces.

But I still say,

"I'm sorry. About everything. I'm sorry I never appreciated the love that you gave me and I brought up problems. I'm sorry I was a horrible wife to you. And I'm sorry that I don't have any family so you're going to have to deal with the inconvenience that is burying me." I say slowly feeling my flesh leave my body.

"I love you so much Aaron. Never forget that."

I say ending my voice message then I feel my eyes slowly shutting.

I collapse not long after.

"I'm sorry. About everything. I'm sorry I never appreciated the love that you gave me and I brought up problems. I'm sorry I was a horrible wife to you. And I'm sorry that I don't have any family so you're going to have to deal with the inconvenience that is burying me."

Aaron frantically made his way past the many people in the casualty department of the busy public hospital.

"My wife. Where is my wife?"

He'd shouted as soon as he reached the reception desk but it came out as a whisper.

He'd made it to the hospital as soon as he'd heard, unfortunately that wasn't soon enough.

He couldn't wait to see her, his baby girl. He needed to be next to her and make sure she was ok. He needed her to be ok otherwise he wouldn't be. He'd be broken. His wife was his life.

But he'd felt his patience running thin when,

"Sir. Please have a seat, someone will come and assist you soon."

The busy lady in reception had said to him as she'd continued navigating the switchboard.

Although Aaron understood that other patients needed to be attended to too, he didn't know them. He didn't care about them, he cared about his wife.

That was why,

"Have a seat? Do you know who I am?"

He'd internally cringed at his response. He'd never used his status card before nor did he ever think he would. He was a known humble man. But this was his wife.

So,

"Can I please speak to your manager?"

He'd ignored the terror in the young lady's eyes. He could tell it was because she was finally realizing who he was. She'd only raised her head to look at him when he'd asked to speak to the manager.

"Mr. Miller, my sincerest apologies. I didn't at all know it was you..."

"Where's my wife?"

He'd cut her off. He wasn't trying to be rude at all, his wife's life was on the line and he needed to get to her before it was too late.

But when she'd responded saying,

"Sorry Mr. Miller, but who's your wife?"

He'd felt a slight tightness in his chest.

To the world, Aaron Miller was a single man. To the world, he'd given up on love after his fourth and final divorce.

He'd had very public relationships in the past and that wasn't always a good thing, it was almost never a good thing.

So with Kayla, he wanted to do it differently. He wanted it to just be the two of them. She wasn't his secret, not at all. He'd just preferred to keep their personal life out of the media.

He'd never thought that would ever come back to haunt him.

If the world knew who she was then they would've been able to contact him way sooner. He would've been there immediately after the accident, not a week later.

"Kayla Miller."

He'd said softly. Partly to stop the tears that threatened to leave his eyes.

The lady then made an 'o' shape with her lips at his response. Clearly because she'd known of the patient.

"Please follow me, sir."

She'd said and Aaron conformed.

"She got here a week ago, no form of identification whatsoever. Apparently they couldn't retrieve anything from the accident, partly because there wasn't anything. It's a miracle she's alive."

She'd continued saying as they made their way into the ICU department.

"Then how did you know her..."

"She had on a necklace that said Kayla, but we still didn't know who she was. Or if that was even her name."

She'd said cutting him off. Clearly already knowing the question he was going to ask.

Aaron knew exactly what necklace she was talking about. It was the first jewelry he'd ever bought for her. He'd made her promise to never take it off, no matter what. Even if they'd fought or were not together anymore.

She'd kept his promise through the years.

"We didn't know she was married, she didn't have her ring on."

Aaron ignored the recent memory of his wife throwing him with her ring during the fight they'd been having.

It was because he was leaving again, after coming home just a few hours before. She'd cried saying she missed him and begged him to stay. He didn't.

"Mr. Miller, is this your wife?"

On an old bed with a Jane doe sign by the edge, lay his beautiful, unconscious wife.

Her beautiful dark skin had turned pale, she was a little thinner than the last time he'd seen her. Her body was full of marks, bandages, and bruises.

Aaron finally stopped forcing his tears in.

"Baby,"

Was the only word he was able to utter as he got closer to the bed and kneeled right by her head.

The receptionist took that as an answer.

"I will leave you alone sir,"

She'd then said before making her way out.

When Aaron had gone back home two days after he'd left, his wife wasn't there.

That made sense to him.

They'd fought before, many times. But the last fight they'd had was so intense that he'd assumed she'd left.

He'd missed her desperately but he knew she was going to come back. She always did.

Not just because she had nowhere else to go but because she loved him, more than words could ever describe.

He'd called her countless times but her phone had been going to voicemail.

He'd then started finding it weird that she didn't take anything with her. Her clothes, passport, and other important valuables she would've no doubt taken with her were still in the house.

She'd taken out food, clearly to cook that evening but they'd been left on the counter, something else that was extremely strange. The tv was also on, the windows were open and there were clothes in the washing machine.

But Aaron was never an observant person so it took him about a week to realize that his wife had definitely gone on an errand, she didn't leave him.

And then fear struck. Did she get abducted? That certainly wouldn't be impossible. When you were as well off as he was, people went through crazy measures to get something out of him.

So frantically, he'd made phone calls. To everyone they'd ever known, even the people they hadn't seen in years. His next actions required him to make sure that she wasn't just at one of their friends' house. He needed to make sure that she was really kidnapped because people were going to die if she was.

He'd gone up and down, was on a phone call after phone call.

That went on until he'd finally listened to his voice messages.

"Baby I'm so sorry."

He'd continued crying as he held on to his wife like she would disappear if he let go.

"For everything. I'm sorry I failed you."

If he'd just gone back home to his wife. If he'd listened to her cry about needing him at home more. If he hadn't left, then she would still be ok. She would still be at home with him watching stupid romcoms and not in a hospital bed fighting for her life.

What kind of a husband was he?

"Mr. Miller is it?"

He'd heard a voice disturb his sobs.

"My name is Dr. Moodley and I have been looking after your wife."

The short brown man said now moving his eyes from him to the unconscious lady.

"Your wife suffered some extreme injuries to the head and we'd had to operate her on arrival. We obviously didn't know who she was so we couldn't get ahold of anyone to approve the procedure so apologies for that Mr. Miller. But I'm happy to say that because of the procedure, your wife is now stable. Now it might take a bit of time for her to gain consciousness but.."

"Thank you for saving my wife Dr. Moodley."

Aaron had said softly cutting him off. Partly because he was afraid of hearing possible bad news but also because he was genuinely thankful. If they'd waited for his approval then she might not have made it.

"Mr. Miller, while we were able to save your wife..."

He took a small nervous breath and then,

"We regretfully couldn't do the same for your son."

*Flashback*

"That's not fair. Do you even care at all about what I want? No, you don't! It's always been about you! What you want and what works for you! Everyone else can just suck it right?"

Kayla had argued back to her husband that evening. She hadn't been one to raise her voice - for anything really, but she'd been beyond livid.

"Kayla, we've talked about this many times. Shouting will not get you anywhere."

Aaron said softly, clearly in an attempt to calm her down but he'd ensued the opposite. Because yet again, he was shutting her off. Dismissing her.

So,

"See that right there is my problem. You've already decided for the both of us. You never cared to ask me what I thought about that."

She'd kept quiet, too many times. But one can only take so many punches.

Kayla understood that her husband was a bit of a senior in comparison to her. She'd understood that he'd already experienced the thing she'd only been experiencing then - marriage.

But while she understood that he'd been through enough of that, she wished he would understand that it was only her first time. She'd never been married before.

She wanted to experience all of it, but most importantly. She wanted,

"Just one Aaron, just one baby is all I'm asking for."

Tears had started pouring out of her eyes at that point.

Her whole life Kayla dreamt of having kids. That conversation was admittedly one they'd missed in the beginning stages of their relationship. They'd been too caught up with the fireworks and the magic that was their bond.

But in her defense, he'd always been so good with kids that she'd never thought he didn't want anymore.

He was always playing with random babies wherever they'd go she just knew he would be a great father to one more bundle of joy.

But when he'd said,

"No."

She'd felt her heart drop to the ground. Not at just his answer but also how he was just so dismissive about it.

She'd been in the kitchen cooking and he was by the lounge working on his laptop. He didn't even care to look up as he was taking from her something she'd wanted all her life.

He didn't care that she wanted kids, not enough to look up from his computer and at least show a little remorse. He'd just continued like nothing happened.

But just as she'd always done, she'd kept quiet that day. And the other days that followed when the topic would be brought up.

Mostly because he'd always seemed so irritated whenever he'd respond to it and she never wanted to upset him.

But as she started growing older, the realization hit her like a brick. That if he didn't want kids then she won't ever have kids.

Why won't he understand?

It wasn't like they were just dating around, they were married. And that's supposed to be the end-game right? Through thick and thin they say.

"I've got three kids Kayla!"

"Yeah and I don't have any. You're basically telling me that I will never be a mother."

She'd whispered as tears kept on spilling out of her browns.

She loved him so much she was never going to leave him, not for any reason. But it hurt.

"I feel like you've taken advantage of me. Of my youth."

She'd then heard herself say softly.

She'd never thought she'd ever say that out loud but it was true.

"You've taken any and all possible life experiences from me, and now you're gonna take motherhood away too?"

Admittedly, her statement was a bit flawed.

Yes, she'd never had other experiences outside of him but that was because she never wanted to.

She'd never craved any man like she craved her husband, and she never felt that she missed out on anything because she was happy with him.

Aaron found himself looking up from his phone with so much pain in his eyes and said,

"Baby, that's not true."

He'd wondered if that was what she'd been feeling all that time. He certainly didn't want that for her. He loved her. More than words could ever describe.

"You know I love you."

He'd then said, standing up from the kitchen stool he'd been sitting on to make his way over to her.

"I would never want to take away your youth. That's a beautiful thing that I want you to have."

He'd whispered to her as he cupped her face with his two hands.

There'd been plenty of times he'd insisted she go out and have as much fun as she wanted. He'd encouraged her to meet people, party, and just enjoy her youth.

He'd understood that she was a lot younger than him and there were things that she still needed to experience. Things that he'd already experienced.

But she didn't want to.

All she wanted was to be at home with him. He'd be lying if he said he didn't love hearing that.

It meant a lot to him that there were countless things she could be doing but all she wanted was to be with him.

It was one of the things he loved about her.

But now,

"Is that how you've been feeling?"

He'd kept on holding on to her cheeks, stealing kisses every now and again.

Her face softened and then,

"No, I just... I've always wanted to be a mother Aaron. I've said this to you before."

She had, a couple of times. Even before they'd wedded. That was something she wanted with so much passion.

He never said anything then. Only after they'd been married he'd simply said 'no'. As if he was asked if he wanted a glass of water.

"I don't think you took away my youth, not at all. You know how much I love you. I just wish you would just give me this one thing. I don't ask you for a lot Aaron."

That was true and he knew it.

Kayla was definitely the only wife he'd had that didn't care much for his wealth and the things he could do for her.

And of course he'd always wanted to spoil her, and he did - as much as he could. But he knew she would've been okay even if he didn't.

She loved him for him, not for the things that he had.

But as much as he knew this, he just couldn't accept it because,

"You know all that I've been through babe. You know the pain I've had to endure through the years from all my exes. I want to give you the world and anything beyond that, but a baby is the one thing I can't give you my love."

He'd finished.

It wasn't at all that Kayla didn't understand what he'd been through, she did. More than he knew. She'd hated all the women that hurt her husband the way that they did.

What she didn't understand was what giving her a baby had anything to do with that. Did he not trust her? Did he think she would use the baby to tame him or something?

Whatever reason it was, it hurt to think.

So she didn't anymore.

She instead looked at the man who owned her heart, ignoring the pain that overfilled her, and said,

"Ok."