The Love we lost

The screen of my phone glows in the dark. It is the only light in my room as i stare blankly at it. My right thumb hovering over his name. No profile picture, no blue ticks, no last seen and no response to the last messages i sent. What I see now is just an empty space where he used to be. I keep telling myself that I would not do this again. That I would not try and reach out again, that I would not search for him, that I would not reread the last messages he sent to me before he blocked me from all social medias and shut me out completely.

But here I am, scrolling through my gallery looking at his pictures, breathing in memories that feels more alive at night and typing messages I know I would not send.

I should move on. I should rest my head and sleep. I should accept that I messed up and lost him. I should accept he does not want me anymore. I should accept that he is gone.

But my heart refuses to listen neither do I want to accept what has come to be.

I tried closing my eyes and before I knew it I am back there. Reminiscing about the time we first met and when everything was still untouched by my mistakes.

WHEN I MET YOU

AVA

I was nervous when I first walked into the auditorium. Rows of empty chairs and a quiet hum of people talking amongst themselves or doing what they want to do. I did not know a single person in the room except my room mate who I had met a few days earlier.

The fluorescent lights of the after study hall shun bright almost blinding me as i wrestled with a particularly stubborn textbook. The air hung thick with the scent of different perfumes and nervous energies as a turmoil formed in my stomach. Medical school was everything i had ever imagined, and it is more terrifying than i had ever anticipated. Nothing other than the knowledge overwhelming me, with each day came a desperate rush to learn before the time runs out. Between lecturers, lab sessions and endless hours of reading i could hardly sleep as i had to study long hours so i could pass her exams with ease. The pressure was relentless, which weighed a lot on me. The exam was like a life or death situation and i found myself comparing myself to my classmates.

Dr Matt had promised to connect me with a reading group for the medical examinations and i am very sure he would not send me off to just anybody. t was a Thursday when we met outside the school auditorium. I met the lady like he promised as she spotted me first, waved and came over with a warm smile. ''you must be Ava'' i nodded with a relieve. ''i want you to meet someone'' and she turned slightly as we walked towards the car park.

Then i saw him.

And just like that my heart skipped a beat. I never believed in love at first sight or at least i never believed until the moment i saw him. I forced myself to look away before i could get caught staring in his direction but it was too late and something inside me knew i was already in trouble.

He was standing by his car with his brother while I walked towards him with a the mutual friend of ours i just met, the person Dr Matt had connected me with. When he glanced in my direction, I froze awkwardly, hoping he would look past me as I try to scroll through my phone. No such luck. Instead, he stared right into my eyes from the rare view mirror of his car as I sat at the back seat while he drove. With looks at though he was trying to remember my face from somewhere. We had never met, I am very sure of that because I would never forget a face like that. I remained still, my face buried neck deep into my phone whilst trying to steal glances of him as I took him in. He had nice incandescent dark eyes alit with energy that demanded attention. His mouth was moving as I was staring at him from behind, but I could not hear a word he was saying as all I could think about was how cute he was. The eyebrows that framed his eyes beautifully and his skin looked like it would taste sweet on my tongue.

Oh my GOD. I am thinking about what this boys skin tastes like. "Your name?" "Huh?" I blinked "I asked what your name was" He smiled "i am Ava. "Nice to meet you," he said. "Do you have a name?" I asked "Nath." He responded staring at me from the rare view mirror. "So, Nath" I said after he told me his name "What was your first major?" "Animal Science." He responded before continuing the conversation "Ah, so you look a lot like my ex "Really?" I asked looking puzzled. I reminded him of someone. I was hoping it was someone he liked but now it is someone he does not like anymore. After we arrived at the after lecture hall, the other people stopped to go look at the fishes at the aquarium. But Nath and I stood by the stairs waiting for them to finish so we could continue about our day. He turned to go up the stairs but not before asking what I first majored in. I moved past him to get a head start unto the stairs. With my head lowered looking into my phone, I spoke to him. "My first degree was in physiotherapy. I finished two years ago before I decided to apply to medicine and surgery." "Really? he asked. Yeah. I responded not taking my eyes off from my phone. I lifted my head to steal a glance at him and our eyes met for a few seconds too long, and we both looked away. He engaged me in conversations, and I was nervous talking, but I did not want him to stop either. "Do you want to go with me to get an empty class to study before the others join us?" "Sure."i responded climbing up the stair cases .

The soft hum of the fluorescent lights above me filled the room as I sat at my desk, surrounded by textbooks and scattered notes. It was late, much later than I intended, but the looming exams felt like a giant boulder pressing down on my chest. Medical school was a dream I had held for as long as I could remember, and now that I was finally on the brink of achieving it, I was drowning in the pressure of it all. My name is Ava. I'm twenty years old, with dark hair that cascades in soft waves around my shoulders, and deep brown eyes that often reflect my thoughts more than I'd like. I had spent countless hours in the library, poring over anatomy textbooks and clinical guidelines, trying to absorb every detail I could before the exams. But tonight, as I stared at the screen of my laptop, everything felt too difficult to overcome. After a long week of studying, i was resting in my room for the weekend. It was the first night after i had met my study group for the first time, I had spent the evening scrolling through social media, trying to distract myself from the stressful week i have had. But what i could not shake away was the thoughts of Nath. That was his name. He had exuded so much confidence with his charming smile. Although he introduced himself calmly i could have sworn my heart raced a bit and time slowed down as our eyes met. There was something different about him, he had this charisma that drew me in despite my best efforts to maintain my composure and it was magnetic. ohh the way he spoke, his voice smooth and inviting. I remembered the way he spoke, his voice smooth and inviting. "Do you want to go with me to get an empty class to study before the others join us?" It was a simple request yet it had sent ripples of excitement through me. Although i was nervous, his warmth eased my tension and i found myself catching a glimpse of him any chance i get, hoping he had not noticed the blush creeping across my cheeks.

The next day, I arrived at the after lecture hall where we were to meet, my heart pounding with anticipation. I was dressed simply, in a cute little top and shorts with my hair styled in a pony trying to look cute and casual at the same time trying to look comfortable. I took a deep breath as I pushed the door open, stepping into the room where they waited for me. Lucy, the girl i met some days earlier, who had introduced me to the group waved as soon as she saw me. i felt a warm sense of belonging from the way she called my name as soon as she saw me. When i got in, i noticed Liam, leaning against the wall, engrossed in a conversation with Lisa who wore stylish glasses that accentuated her features. They seemed comfortable together, laughing easily, and i could not help but feel a pang of envy at their easy camaraderie. I reminded myself that this was an opportunity for me to connect and make new friends and to break out of my old shell.

"Okay, everyone!" Lucy clapped her hands to gather everyone's attention. "Let's get started! I'm so excited to study together!"

The group settled down together into a circle on the floor, and I found myself sitting beside Nath. I could feel the excitement bubbling in my stomach as I tried to focus on the discussion. He was animated as he shared insights about the exam structure because he had taken it a year before and has knowledge about it. His eyes sparkled as he talked and i found myself getting lost in them.

Every time Nath laughed or made a witty comment, i could not help but smile along with him even though the others did not do so.

"Okay, let's take a break!" Lucy suggested after a particularly intense session on human anatomy. "I brought snacks! "she shouted.

I watched as she opened a bag of chips and passed them around, the atmosphere lightening as we all settled back into casual conversation. Nath leaned back against the wall, his gaze wandering around the room, and I had a feeling of nervous excitement as he turned and caught my eyes.

"Hey, Ava," he said, his voice low and inviting. "What do you think about the exam format? Are you feeling prepared?"

I swallowed hard, as my cheek filled up with heat. feeling my cheeks heat up. "I am a little nervous, to be honest. It feels like there is so much to do and cover. But I think having a group helps. It is nice to have support."

Nath nodded, a thoughtful expression on his face. "I get that. I felt the same way last year. But if we work together, we will be able to tackle it. Just take it one step at a time."

His encouragement was reassuring, and I found a bit relaxed.

"Thanks, Nath. That means a lot."

As the day came to an end, i felt more at ease and comfortable with them. most especially to Nath. Our conversations were whole full and with each interactions i felt a spark. When it was time to leave he offered to drop me home which i gladly accepted. When we got to my gate he called out to me as soon as i stepped out of the car.

"Hey, Ava," he called out, his voice cutting through the chatter. "I am glad you joined us. Let us keep this going. We can help each other through the next few weeks."

I felt a smile bloom on my face, warmth flooding through me. "I would like that," I replied, my heart racing. As I stepped out into the cool night air, I could not help but feel a sense of joy and happiness. Perhaps this was the start of something beautiful, something beyond just studying. This was love.

The pre-med classes had a high level of intensity. The rigorous subject we had to read for was demanding and it had a stressful workload. I would not lie but i had missed the simplicity of my undergrad days which were the freedom to explore other interest and the time to simply breath But now my entire existence was based on getting into medical school. There was barely enough time for other activities between reading, study sessions and hoping Nath would notice me.

Although friendships felt strained and relationships seemed impossible, I was confident on the feelings i had growing in for Nath that i can not shake away.After our usual study session, Nath offered to drop me home but i refused because i did not want to be a bother .

''Do you need a ride?'' He came asking nicely. offering me a ride home after our usual study session.

I hesitated, not wanting to be a bother but before i could say anything Lucy nudged my hand asking me to say yes since we were all going to the same direction anyways.

I got into the back seat with Lucy and Lisa and was very careful not to take up too much space. As the car moved it was silent. I wanted to say something or at least ask how his day went but i was shy and did not want any awkwardness between us. I knew then that he would not only be a friend because he would soon be the one person i could not forget.

The next evening after an utterly drained study session, our conversations went from academics to other topics. I do not remember how it stared because i had stepped out of the reading hall to take a walk when i had a stumbling headache. when i got back everybody was arguing about the best food for an all night study session which i found ridiculous and also cute.

I listened half way as they talked about whether coffee was best for an all night study session or it was a scam, not saying a word as scrolled through my phone.

''Water is best'' i hear Nath say and i turned around to look at him. He was leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. then he continued. ''You people do not know what you are talking about.

Everybody laughed before Lisa responded saying ''Water? Be serious.''

''I am serious.'' He replied with his tone calm and his confidence exuding. Caffeine does not help you out in an way, it is just stress in a cup'' He went on to further explain.

I look up to finally join in their conversation by asking him if he does not drink coffee.

He turned to me for the first time and spoke directly to me, his eyes holding mine and i was getting ready to get lost in them.

''No. I never have.''

That moment was different, it was a few words but it was deep.

The conversation about food did not stop there. it somehow got stuck.

''You do not eat much, do you?'' Nath asked looking at me as his curiosity piqued.

''I eat.'' I said as i shrugged.

''You do not.'' He said leaning back with his arm crossed as he studied me like i was some puzzle. ''I have noticed.''

I have noticed that people often notice this about me but i never thought much of it because i felt it did not mean anything.

But then later that night, a friend request popped up on snapchat.

He added me.

I stared at the request for a few seconds because it was like a dream and i felt a small rush of surprise. it was not weird but it did something to my heart, making it beat faster and faster.

I accepted.

Seconds later his message appeared on my screen.Nath: Hey love... Vanilla or Chocolate ?Me: sorry?Him: Pick oneI smiled before replying to his question.Me: ChocolateHim: Noted.

I had to know what he meant by that so i asked him and he said he was getting me snacks because he noticed i do not eat. I stared at the message. it was so thoughtful yet unnecessary.

Me: You really do not have to.Him: I know

The next morning he brought me snacks and insisted i eat before classes started. It was nothing fancy but it was the thoughts that counts. And the next day it happened again and again and everyday without fail even though i had told him so many times it was not necessary.

Somewhere between those moments made me feel special. and everyday i started looking forward to his messages.

One evening, after an utterly stressful day of lectures, i stumbled out of the class, with my shoulder slumped and my head throbbing. I had this feeling of nausea wash over me. I could barely think of the activities going on around me because my mind was preoccupied with other activities. The world around me seemed muted and the chatter of students reduced to a dull drone. I just wanted to go home, I just want to take a long shower and collapse into bed. I was not even thinking about food at the moment because it was the last thing on my mind.

I walked along with my heads down and my gaze fixed on the pavement as i ty to get down the stairs when i heard his voice.

"Whoa, are you okay?" The voice was warm, and welcoming as it was a voice i had grown to love hearing.

"I... I think so," I managed to say, with my voice a little hoarse from lack of sleep and the strain of the exam. "Just a long day." I self-consciously brushing away a stray strand of hair from her face, feeling the exhaustion etched into my very being.