I looked at the side of my bed, caressing it while imagining some things that would make me feel happy.
But even my own imagination feels like betraying me, telling that this is my reality and there is nothing that I can do with that.
I even ask god, do I deserve to suffer for the second time around?
Or maybe I wasn't that deserving to be happy, because after all the sacrifices that I did, all of them are just a lesson and decision that I need to do.
I lay on the left side of my bed, hugging the polo shirt of my husband.
Leion will become my husband at that moment, not until I became so damn immature, running away and still acting like a kid.
My mind is clouded of what ifs, because if I really didn't run, Leion is still alive now.
"Aubrey, you gotta get up now. This is his last day-"
"Sorry, but I can't see him now. I have no courage to face him and his family." I said and close my eyes, feeling the pain on my abdomen, and I felt the fluid came out of my femininity.
I started to panicking and lost my consciousness.
"Stop following me, De Vera, if you want someone to trip over, don't follow me," I said while taking the road to my favorite cafe here in Canada.
I usually waste my time here since all my favorite foods are here and no one will buy me what I want to eat since the source of what I bring is gone.
I accidentally met Nick here in Canada, and he followed me wherever I went, and he also moved to the unit next to mine, so I couldn't do anything but drive him away from the twin. He was following me.
He always follows me wherever I go. It's not enough even when I follow him because of his insistence that he come with me. Sometimes I get annoyed and want to hit him, but of course I didn't. He is the one next to me who will hurt me I still That's why it's okay to be like this sometimes, or I always push him away.
I am in Canada to escape from everything that is bothering me in the Philippines.
First of all, the pain of the issue and the rumors that are spreading, that I'm really in a relationship with Leion, that I know that he's going to have children, I'm hooked like what the heck! They don't know anything about our history and they don't know anything about our affairs. Second is the death of Leon. Of course, his family is angry with me. They blame me for what happened to Leon, and the worst thing is that they said that I don't deserve him at all. I'm the one who cheated and harassed me and even hurt me Wrong! What's wrong with these people?
I cut off all communication, including with my parents. Even Joanna, I haven't talked to them since I ran away. Why? Because I want to live alone, I don't want to go back to the Philippines as long as I want. I'll have too many bad memories to greet me, which I despise.
It's been 3 months since I ran away from them, and I'm 4 months pregnant, and it's so hard to live alone when you're pregnant.
I didn't leave my room for a week. I planned to escape and I planned to leave quietly. First I went to London, and second, to California, where I stayed for one week. And the last one was here in Canada. I applied for citizenship and was accepted. Fortunately, I had money and the processing of my papers was easy. I want my future child to grow up here.
I begged mom and dad not to tell Leion's family that I'm pregnant. I don't want to cause trouble for them, especially since they will be the children of Leion's pregnancy and Deion's child.
I want my baby alone. I sound so selfish, but I don't care. All I want is my baby alone. They are the only things I have that I will lose.
It's better to be like this. Life will be simple for me and my future child.
I will raise them alone. I will not ask for help from anyone. I can do this.
I want a normal life for them.
I will stop everything that I have
Bar hopping, night life, etc.
I left all that in the Philippines and I left only hatred and pain with me when I left.
I always blame myself for what happens to him because I'm such a worthless person.
It's all my fault, and I can't regret that.
"No, Aubrey, I won't leave you. Even if you keep pushing me away." I interrupted him and faced him.
"You are in the stage of cravings and I'm willing to give you a hand, everything that you want," he said and showed a box of donuts and fresh milk. My eyes shined as I stared at Nick's hand.
No Aubrey! Don't let him drive you! "No thanks, I'm not hungry," I said as he put the plastic bag in my hand.
He looked at me and smiled, "I'm okay to order what you want. I'll just stay here quickly so you can go home and rest," he said, then jogged into the cafe while I was left standing on the side of his car.
I smile while staring at the box of donuts given by Nick! Damn! I will eat 'em and I will use them up.
It's like I never ate donuts in my entire life, damn it. My baby is very greedy in the stomach.
"I want mayonnaise with pepper," I whisper while staring at Nick's face as he approaches my direction. His forehead turns and he smiles at me and holds up the plastic with only fresh vegetables and fruits.
"You need to eat all of these, Aubrey. It's for your baby's sake. You know that your problem is severe, but don't let yourself hurt your baby too," he said, and then I sneezed and the bottom of my eyes started to tear. and my vision is blurred.
"My god, what happened to Aubrey? Did something hurt you? Did I say something that made you uncomfortable? Sorry about that, okay?I didn't mean it-" I shook my head, took a deep breath, and he rubbed my cheek, forcing me to smile.
"I want mayonnaise with pepper," I whispered, then Nick laughed at what I said and ruffled my hair.
"What's up, you scare me," he said as he hugged me.
I hugged him back until I saw a guy that I missed so much.
"L-leion," I utter, then let go of Nick's hug and run as fast as I can.
"Leion, wait!" I shouted as I ran to cross the other road and tried to chase leion. I know, I can't be wrong. That's really it and I feel it
"L-leion!" I whispered when he stopped. I'm walking and I'm behind him, I'm about to hold his shoulder when a blonde woman hugs him tight
"Hey, Leiondhale" I said then grabbed him by the shoulder and hugged him tightly
Damn it. I miss him badly "Shit! Sorry, she's hallucinating again" Nick suddenly turned me back to him and hugged me as if he was holding me in his arms
"Stop it nick! He's Leion-" I said trying to get out of his embrace and faced Leion when the face in front of me was different
What the heck, he was here and I even hugged him.
"Come on Aubrey, stop fooling around. I'll take you home," he said while holding my hands so tight while I didn't know how to walk properly at the speed of his walk.
"What the hell, Nick! Let me go! I'm tired and I can't make a mistake, I saw Leion! I hugged him and he's gone because you pull me away lately!" I shouted because of frustration.
"You're suffering hallucinations these past few days, because you cannot accept that Leion is gone," he said then I removed my hand from his hand and slap him hard while I breathe heavily.
"Yeah, maybe I can't accept that he's gone and he will never come back ever again, but why? Why I can't stop myself, I can't stop my my mind on hoping that he will come back. Because he promise, he said, he'll never leave again," I said and let the tears run down my cheeks and let the pain speak how devastated I am.
"I'm tired of everything, and all I want is Leion here with me. He's all I ever need," I whisper and wipe my tears away and close my eyes.
"Thanks" I thanked him then patted him and got into my car and drove away, I want peace. I need to breathe, I feel like I'm being suffocated by everything, at all times and opportunities. All I want is rest and shut down my whole word.
I drove away, and I don't know where I went. I had just turned a corner when I saw one. I hate this feeling. Why does it have to be like this?
"I'm having too much trouble and pain. Why? " I whisper and let the tears run down my cheeks while I'm heading in an unfamiliar way that I've never seen before.
"I wish Leion was here with me," I said, and wiped my tears gently while I kept looking at the surroundings. I was passing by.
It's getting late, and as time goes on, the road becomes full and the cars I meet become fewer and fewer. I feel lonely and the pain is killing me.
"Leion," I whispered, and his face flashed in my mind. He looked happy and lovely.
"I love you, Aubrey. I'm here for you. I will always love and save you, even if the exchange is my life. "Just for you, my Aubrey." He said and caressed my left cheek while staring straight into my eyes and his smile. It's so sweet and makes my heart melt, and the butterflies in my tummy are acting wild inside, and my mind is shaking.
"I love you too, Leion. I can't imagine myself without you." I said and smiled at him while holding his hand. He closed his eyes and put our foreheads together.
"You're my one and only, Aubrey," he whispered, and his lips gently brushed mine.
"You're my one and only too." I said and parked my car. I used the hood of my jacket because it's really cold in Canada, but I'm not allowed to be offended, especially since I'm pregnant and pregnant women are very delicate.
"Wow," I said with amusement in my voice while I couldn't shift my gaze in other directions because of the beauty of city lights.
This scene makes my system relax. I wish the lion was here taking care of me.
"Please, hug me if you hear me," I whispered while closing my eyes and feeling every breath that passed through my body.
"You will catch a cold and your baby will catch a cold," he said, then hugged me on my back.
"N-nick," I uttered, then closed my eyes and my tears fell one by one. I leaned my head on his shoulder and held his hand that was on my stomach. I could feel his warm hand on my stomach and caressed it gently.
"Thank you, thank you for always being there even when I push you away, Nick," I said, then leaned my head on his shoulder.
"I'm always here for you, Aubrey, even if everything leaves you, I'm here for your baby," he said and caressed my tummy.
"You're such a good man, Nick. It's funny how we met. It was unexpected, even this. I didn't expect you to be with me. I thought I would face these battles alone, but you taught me how to share my problems when they are too much to solve." Then I smiled as he presented me to him and looked into my eyes.
"We were here for you, Aubrey it would be my pleasure to take away all of your problems, so it won't be difficult. I can't see you that way. "It's hard for me to see you suffer that much," he said, sighing.
"I will be okay too. Time makes the wound heal, and the scar will be the trophy that reminds you how tough a person you are." I whispered and let my tears run down my cheeks. It's just too hard to accept that he's gone, that he's left. It's me. I thought he would never give up on me.
I wish I hadn't run out of the garden. I wish I hadn't agreed to get married right away that day. I wish I had let him explain. I wish he had let me give him a chance to be with him. I'm not ready to lose him, not this time, not even the other time. I want him to love me and have a happy family.
"Aubrey's happy wherever he is now, so stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault, okay?" I just nodded and wiped my tears, then he put my jacket on and we looked up at the sky. The snow was falling.
"Snow flakes, oh god," I said, then turned around while feeling the snow hitting my skin. It feels so good.
"When Lianna Snowe is a girl, it's Leiongrei Flyames, and when it's a boy, it's Leiongrei flyames," I said randomly as Nick watched my every move and smiled.
I call out his name and smile. I mean, I show my biggest smile.
"Thank you for everything and taking care of me," I said, and then he came to me and hugged me tightly.
"Honestly, could I stay at your side and let you take care of me, including your baby?" He asked, then I smiled quickly and held his hand.
"You can, but if you feel ashamed of me because of my situation, well, don't oblige yourself. I'm not your responsibility. You're free to do everything that you want to." Then he laughed softly.
"That's because you're a tough lady." I smiled, then he held both of my hands.
He looked straight into my eyes, and his eyes told so many stories that he never told others.
"If you're ready, just tell me, okay? I'm not-damn it! "he cussed and looked away as if he was ashamed of me and turned his back on me.
"What is it, Nick? Come on, spill it," I said, and then he shyly faced me and took a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly.
"I said I really like you," he uttered, then turned around and his ears started to turn red. That made me laugh hard.
"What a confession, Nick, but I like the way you blush like a tomato," I teased him, then I sat down.
"Stop making fun of me! It's difficult to admit my true feelings when I see how bad your situation is, and all I can do for you is help you stand again and help you with everything I have," he said, burying his face in my arm, and I sighed as I looked at the city lights.
"Everything's going to be alright, it's just that I'm not ready to let myself move forward." Then I grabbed Nick's hair and gently caressed it, and he hugged me tighter.
"I'll make you feel better, I promise."