The Comic English Grammar: A New And Facetious Introduction To The English Tongue

Orthography is like a schoolmaster, or instructor of youth. It teaches us the nature and powers of letters and the right method of spelling words.

Comic Orthography teaches us the oddity and absurdities of letters, and the wrong method of spelling words. The following is an example of Comic Orthography:-

islinton foteenth of my Deer jemes febuary 1844.

wen fust i sawed yu doun the middle and up agin att the bawl

i maid Up my Mind to skure you for my oan for i Felt at once

that my appiness was at Steak, and a sensashun in my Bussum

I coudent no ways accom For. And i said to mary at missis

Igginses said i theres the Mann for my money o ses Shee i

nose a Sweeter Yung Man than that Air Do you sez i Agin then

there we Agree To Differ, and we was sittin by the window

and we wos wery Neer fallin Out. my deer gemes Sins that

Nite i Ha vent slept a Wink and Wot is moor to the Porpus

i'Have quit Lost my Happy tight and am gettin wus and wus

witch i Think yu ort to pitty Mee. i am Tolled every Day

that ime Gettin Thinner and a Jipsy sed that nothin wood

Cure me But a Ring.

i wos a Long time makin my Mind Up to right to You for of

Coarse i Says jemes will think me too forrad but this bein

Leep yere i thout ide Make a Plunge, leastways to aUThem as

dont Want to Bee old Mades all their blessed lives, so my

Deer Jemes if yow want a Pardoner for Better or for wus nows

Your Time dont think i Behave despicable for tis my Luv for

yu as makes Me take this Stepp.

please to Burn this Letter when Red and excuse the scralls

and Blotches witch is Caused by my Teers i remain till deth

Yure on Happy Vallentine

jane you No who.

poscrip nex sunday Is my sunday out And i shall be Att the

corner of Wite Street at a quawter pas Sevn.

Wen This U. C. remember Mee j. g.

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Now, to proceed with Orthography, we may remark, that a letter is the least part of a word.

Of a comic letter an instance has already been given. Dr. Johnson's letter to Lord Chesterfield is a capital letter.

The letters of the Alphabet are the representatives of articulate sounds.

The Alphabet is a Republic of Letters.

There are many things in this world erroneously as well as vulgarly compared to "bricks." In the case of the letters of the Alphabet, however, the comparison is just; they constitute the fabric of a language, and grammar is the mortar. The wonder is that there should be so few of them. The English letters are twenty-six in number. There is nothing like beginning at the beginning; and we shall now therefore enumerate them, with the view also of rendering their insertion subsidiary to mythological instruction, in conformity with the plan on which some account of the Heathen Deities and ancient heroes is prefixed or subjoined to a Dictionary. We present the reader with a form of Alphabet composed in humble imitation of that famous one, which, while appreciable by the dullest taste, and level to the meanest capacity, is nevertheless that by which the greatest minds have been agreeably inducted into knowledge.

THE ALPHABET.

A, was Apollo, the god of the carol,

B, stood for Bacchus, astride on his barrel;

C, for good Ceres, the goddess of grist,

D, was Diana, that wouldn't be kiss'd;

E, was nymph Echo, that pined to a sound,

F, was sweet Flora, with buttercups crown'd;

G, was Jove's pot-boy, young Ganymede hight,

H, was fair Hebe, his barmaid so tight;

I, little Io, turn'd into a cow,

J, jealous Juno, that spiteful old sow;

K, was Kitty, more lovely than goddess or muse;

L, Lacooon-I wouldn't have been in his shoes!

M, was blue-eyed Minerva, with stockings to match,

N, was Nestor, with grey beard and silvery thatch;

O, was lofty Olympus, King Jupiter's shop,

P, Parnassus, Apollo hung out on its top;

Q, stood for Quirites, the Romans, to wit;

R, for rantipole Roscius, that made such a hit;

S, for Sappho, so famous for felo-de-se,

T, for Thales the wise, F. R. S. and M. D:

U, was crafty Ulysses, so artful a dodger,

V, was hop-a-kick Vulcan, that limping old codger;

Wenus-Venus I mean-with a W begins,

(Veil, if I ham a Cockney, wot need of your grins?)

X, was Xantippe, the scratch-cat and shrew,

Y, I don't know what Y was, whack me if I do!

Z was Zeno the Stoic, Zenobia the clever,

And Zoilus the critic, whose fame lasts forever.

Letters are divided into Vowels and Consonants.

The vowels are capable of being perfectly uttered by themselves. They are, as it were, independent members of the Alphabet, and like independent members elsewhere, form a small minority. The vowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.

An I. O. U. is a more pleasant thing to have, than it is to give.

A blow in the stomach is very likely to W up.

W is a consonant when it begins a word, as "Wicked

Will Wiggins whacked his wife with a whip but in every other place it is a vowel, as crawling, drawling, sawney, screwing, Jew. Y follows the same rule.

A consonant is an articulate sound; but, like an old bachelor, if it exists alone, it exists to no purpose.

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It cannot be perfectly uttered without the aid of a vowel; and even then the vowel has the greatest share in the production of the sound. Thus a vowel joined to a consonant becomes, so to speak, a "better half:" or at all events very strongly resembles one.

A dipthong is the union of two vowels in one sound, as ea in heavy, eu in Meux, ou in stout.

A tripthong is a similar union of three vowels, as eau in the word beau; a term applied to dandies, and addressed to geese: probably because they are birds of a feather.

A proper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by both the vowels: as, aw in awkward, ou in lout.

An improper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by one of the vowels only, as ea in heartless, oa in hoax.

According to our notions there are a great many improper dipthongs in common use. By improper dipthongs we mean vowels unwarrantably dilated into dipthongs, and dipthongs mispronounced, in defiance of good English.

For instance, the rustics and dandies say,

"Loor! whaut a foine gaal! Moy oy!"

"Whaut a precious soight of crows!"

"As I was a cornin' whoam through the corn fiddles (fields) I met Willum Jones."

"I sor (saw) him."

"Dror (draw) it out."

"Hold your jor (jaw)."

"I caun't. You shaun't. How's your Maw and Paw? Do you like taut (tart)?"

We have heard young ladies remark,-

"Oh, my! What a naice young man!"

"What a bee-eautiful day!"

"Im so fond of dayncing!"

Again, dandies frequently exclaim,-

"I'm postively tiawed (tired)."

"What a sweet tempaw! (temper)."

"How daughty (dirty) the streets au!"

And they also call,-

Literature, "literetchah."

Perfectly, "pawfacly."

Disgusted, "disgasted."

Sky, "ske-eye."

Blue, "ble-ew."

We might here insert a few remarks on the nature of the human voice, and of the mechanism by means of which articulation is performed; but besides our dislike to prolixity, we are afraid of getting down in the mouth, and thereby going the wrong way to please our readers. We may nevertheless venture to invite attention to a few comical peculiarities in connection with articulate sounds.

Ahem! at the commencement of a speech, is a sound agreeably droll.

The vocal comicalities of the infant in arms are exceedingly laughable, but we are unfortunately unable to spell them.

The articulation of the Jew is peculiarly ridiculous. The "peoplesh" are badly spoken of, and not well spoken.

Bawling, croaking, hissing, whistling, and grunting, are elegant vocal accomplishments.

Lisping, as, thweet, Dthooliur, thawming, kweechau, is by some considered interesting, by others absurd.

But of all the sounds which proceed from the human mouth, by far the funniest are Ha! ha! ha!-Ho! ho! ho! and He! he! he!

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Syllable is a nice word, it sounds so much like syllabub!

A syllable, whether it constitute a word or part of a word, is a sound, either simple or compound, produced by one effort of the voice, as, "O! what, a lark!-Here, we, are!"

Spelling is the art of putting together the letters which compose a syllable, or the syllables which compose a word.

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Comic spelling is usually the work of imagination.

The chief rule to be observed in this kind of spelling, is, to spell every word as it is pronounced; though the rule is not universally observed by comic spellers. The following example, for the genuineness of which we can vouch, is one so singularly apposite, that although we have already submitted a similar specimen of orthography to the reader, we are irresistibly tempted to make a second experiment on his indulgence. The epistolary curiosity, then, which we shall now proceed to transcribe, was addressed by a patient to his medical adviser.

"Sir,

"My Granmother wos very much trubeld With the Gout and dide

with it my father wos also and dide with it when i wos 14

years of age i wos in the habbet of Gettin whet feet Every

Night by pumping water out of a Celler Wich Cas me to have

the tipes fever wich Cas my Defness when i was 23 of age i

fell in the Water betwen the ice and i have Bin in the

habbet of Gettin wet when traviling i have Bin trubbeld with

Gout for seven years

"Your most humbel

"Servent

Among the various kinds of spelling may be enumerated spelling for a favor; or giving what is called a broad hint.

Certain rules for the division of words into syllables are laid down in some grammars, and we should be very glad to follow the established usage, but limited as we are by considerations of comicality and space, we cannot afford to give more than two very general directions. If you do not know how to spell a word, look it out in the dictionary, and if you have no dictionary by you, write the word in such a way, that, while it may be guessed at, it shall not be legible.

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Etymology teaches the varieties, modifications, and derivation of words.

The derivation of words means that which they come from as words; for what they come from as sounds, is another matter. Some words come from the heart, and then they are pathetic; others from the nose, in which case they are ludicrous. The funniest place, however, from which words can come is the stomach. By the way, the Mayor would do well to keep a ventriloquist, from whom, at a moment's notice, he might ascertain the voice of the corporation.

Comic Etymology teaches us the varieties, modifications, and derivation, of words invested with a comic character.

Grammatically speaking, we say that there are, in English, as many sorts of words as a cat is said to have lives, nine; namely, the Article, the Substantive or Noun, the Adjective, the Pronoun, the Verb, the Adverb, the Preposition, the Conjunction, and the Interjection.

Comically speaking, there are a great many sorts of words which we have not room enough to particularise j individually. We can therefore only afford to classify them. For instance; there are words which are spoken in the Low Countries, and are High Dutch to persons of quality.

Words in use amongst all those who have to do with horses.

Words that pass between rival cab-men.

Words spoken in a state of intoxication.

Words uttered under excitement.

Words of endearment, addressed by parents to children in arms.

Similar words, sometimes called burning, tender, soft, and broken words, addressed to young ladies, and whispered, lisped, sighed, or drawled, according to circumstances.

Words of honor; as, tailors' words and shoemakers' words; which, like the above-mentioned, or lovers' words, are very often broken.

With many other sorts of words, which will be readily suggested by the reader's fancy.

But now let us go on with the parts of speech.

1. An Article is a word prefixed to substantives to point them out, and to show the extent of their meaning; as, a dandy, an ape, the simpleton.

One kind of comic article is otherwise denominated an oddity, or queer article.

Another kind of comic article is often to be met with in some of our monthly magazines.

2. A Substantive or Noun is the name of anything that exists, or of which we have any notion; as, tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, apothecary, ploughboy, thief.

Now the above definition of a substantive is Lindley Murray's, not ours. We mention this, because we have an objection, though, not, perhaps, a serious one, to urge against it; for, in the first place, we have "no notion" of impudence, and yet impudence is a substantive; and, in the second, we invite attention to the following piece of Logic,

A substantive is something,

But nothing is a substantive;

Therefore, nothing is something.

A substantive may generally be known by its taking an article before it, and by its making sense of itself; as, a treat, the mulligrubs, an ache.

3. An Adjective is a word joined to a substantive to denote its quality; as a ragged regiment, an odd set.

You may distinguish an adjective by its making sense with the word thing: as, a poor thing, a sweet thing, a cool thing; or with any particular substantive, as a ticklish position, an awkward mistake, a strange step.

4. A Pronoun is a word used in lieu of a noun, in order to avoid tautology: as, "The man wants calves; he is a lath; he is a walking-stick.''

5. A Verb is a word which signifies to be, to do, or to suffer: as, I am; I calculate; I am fixed.

A verb may usually be distinguished by its making sense with a personal pronoun, or with the word to before it: as I yell, he grins, they caper; or to drink, to smoke, to chew.

Fashionable accomplishments!

Certain substantives are, with peculiar elegance, and by persons who call themselves genteel, converted into verbs: as, "Do you wine?" "Will you liquor?"

6. An Adverb is a part of speech which, joined to a verb, an adjective, or another adverb, serves to express quality or circumstance concerning it: as, "She swears dreadfully; she is incorrigibly lazy; and she is almost continually in liquor."

7. An Adverb is generally characterised by answering to the question, How?'how much? when? or where? as in the verse, "Merrily danced the Quaker's wife," the answer to the question, How did she dance? is, merrily.

8. Prepositions serve to connect words together, and to show the relation between them: as, "Off with his head, so much for Buckingham!"

9. A Conjunction is used to connect not only words, but sentences also: as, Smith and Jones are happy be~ cause they are single. A miss is as good as a mile.

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10. An Interjection is a short word denoting passion or emotion: as, 'Oh, Sophonisba! Sophonisba, oh!" Pshaw! Pish! Pooh! Bah! Ah! Au! Eughph! Yaw! Hum! Ha! Lauk! La! Lor! Heigho! Well! There! &c.

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Among the foregoing interjections there may, perhaps, be some unhonored by the adoption of genius, and unknown in the domains of literature. For the present notice of them some apology may be required, but little will be given; their insertion may excite astonishment, but their omission would have provoked complaint: though unprovided with a Johnsonian title to a place in the English vocabulary, they have long been recognised by the popular voice; and let it be remembered, that as custom supplies the defects of legislation, so that which is not sanctioned by magisterial authority may nevertheless be justified by vernacular usage.

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