The Bitter Ends Of Love

What would you do if you knew the exact moment you would die?

My name is Celine, I just turned eighteen, I am here to tell you a secret.

I never knew the impact of being healthy until it exploded on my face.

It was a bright cold day in December and the clocks were striking twelve, we were somewhere around Chicago on the edge of lake Michigan when difficulty breathing began to take hold.

It was the day I was diagnosed with (C.O.P.D) chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. A long-term progressive lung disease that makes breathing difficult.

I was born into a family of four, my parents divorced when I was ten, I followed my mother while my brother followed my father and for eight years I had only my mum.

My mother has been with the doctor for a long time now and I am beginning to get anxious about what news she will be bringing back.

I stayed stuck in my mini hospital room, there was a bed, medical equipment, monitors and iv tanks, oxygen delivery system, a nebulizer, an air filtration system and a chair for visitors.

I write this to you sitting on an oxygen tank, I wish I would be out of here soon.

My mother came rushing into the room, I could see a drop of tears she was trying so hard to hide, even the blind would tell she has been crying for a long time.

I was still curious about the news she received from the doctor's office. I still needed to know what was wrong with me, so I asked regardless. "Mama what did the doctor say?" but she didn't reply. "Mum, you have to tell me, I am me so I should know what is wrong with me, the complication to my health, is there anything I would need to do or take to be able to leave this place, or something to avoid? Mama, you don't have to worry, you know I'm good at taking my medications when I'm sick? But I still didn't get a reply and that was the beginning of my frustration.

"Mum! Say something, anything" I yelled, and my mother's silent tears were exchanged into a loud scream "there is no cure for (C.O.P.D) its progression can only be slowed with medication, and you have to avoid closeness to other lung irritants. she finally said.

That was the last thing I heard.

I was breathless, wheezing, coughing and my chest became tighter and tighter.

The airflow limitation in my lungs became more severe making it harder for me to breathe. I could see my mother trying so hard to pull me up with tears in eyes while screaming for help at the same time.

Uncontrollable hot fresh tears ran down my cheeks and I drifted away.

I woke up finding myself in an emergency room with an oxygen mask. The nurse noticed I was awake and came smiling at me, she helped fix a nasal cannula and directed me to my hospital room.

I sat on the bed scanning around for my mother, but she was not in sight. Looking around, I remembered our conversation from last night, and the point is I will be here, captured by a disease without a cure. The celebration of my eighteenth birthday started with a disease, an incurable one to be precise.

I held back the tears that were threatening to fall, trying to fight my tears back, I did not want to end up in an emergency room again, it is now forbidden to cry.

But my stubborn tears just would not listen to me, they fell down my cheeks and I let myself swim in the ocean my tears created.

The nurse came in for my treatment. After treatment I asked if I could take a walk around the hospital, she said it was okay and told me my dos and don'ts including not getting close to any other lung irritants, And I hurriedly nodded yes.

I went looking around the hospital and I must admit the sight of the hospital was beautiful but what was more beautiful was a young lady I could not stop watching. She had blond hair and blue eyes with a model-looking body, she was stunning.

Her name is Chloe, she was playing with little children and the sight was beautiful to watch. She noticed I was looking and smiled warmly at me, a smile that warmed the heart. I went closer to her straight away and she stepped back asking me to stay five feet away, I looked at her innocent face, she also had a nasal cannula on, which says she was also a (C.O.P.D) patient, but I still asked anyway and when she said yes, I hurriedly stayed away.

I started seeing chole every day and we became so close, and I enjoyed every bit of the time I spent with her. She was a loveable person, a mother, a sister, and most of all, my best friend in the world.

The one person I always look up to seeing every morning when I wake up, after our treatment we hang out together, and every night before going to bed we make video calls chatting and laughing until either of us drift away to sleep.

She was sent to rebuild me. I love her, I love her a lot, she represents my all, most importantly my family. My mum was hardly around, she had to cover up all the bills on her own. Chole covers up for all the pain, all the losses and makes the hospital a friendly zone to me.

I woke up to a bright sunny day, I had a smile on my face while the planned adventure played repeatedly in my head, Chloe had said we should go out on a bestie date and I was supper excited about it, I quickly called on the nurse to help with my treatment and in less time, I was done preparing for a date with my bestie.

I went out and found Chole dressed beautifully and waiting patiently outside my door. It was a perfect moment for a perfect couple, the only thing left out was her being a lady. She came with a five-foot Cain and told me to hold the ends of it, we could not hold hands, we could not get too close, so she came up with that idea. I blushed at her manly behavior, and we left the hospital taking different cars to the location.

We went shopping, went to the lake, visited an amusement park, went to a sporting event, watched movies, visited a museum and went to a coffee shop. We went on and on with a five foot Cain, running around like children. It was embarrassing and sweet. Chloe is my sweetheart, I yelled and laughed.

Chole and I went back to the hospital before nightfall, sat on the roof top to enjoy nature together. We stared at the stars and from the stars we stared at ourselves Longer than we stared at the stars. To me, Chloe was a precious star. My precious star, and I couldn't help but say "DON'T EVER LEAVE ME CHOLE, NEVER EVER IN THIS WORLD SHOULD YOU DIE, WE SHOULD LIVE, FIGHT AND SURVIVE THIS ILLNESS TOGETHER" she replied to me with a dashing smile, a smile that says a thousand words, that smile was the only thing I needed for an answer.

"It is almost midnight," Chloe said quietly but sweetly, "I think this is a goodnight, " I replied with a smile. We both stood up to leave, and I said a goodnight greeting "goodnight chole" but before I could take a step, chole dragged me towards her for a hug, holding me firmly. I gasped, she was embracing me so tightly, I loved it, but I knew it was dangerous.

I tried to pull away reminding chole of the danger there is in being close to each other, but she didn't let go, instead she spoke "IT IS JUST ONCE, I REALLY WANT TO HOLD YOU FOR A WHILE." My refrain shattered and I hugged her back giving the same energy, and she whispered in my ears "don't ever die" a while became hours standing in the same position.

It was almost daybreak when we separated into our different hospital rooms, and I slept with so much peace and happiness.

I woke up late that morning. It was a beautiful day in my life. A flashback of yesterday's event played repeatedly in my head, how we ran around enjoying each other's company and I smiled childishly.

I went out looking for my chole, my girlfriend, it was like a normal routine in my life since I got to the hospital, I knocked repeatedly at her door but no one answered, I walked into her hospital room but she wasn't there either, she has gone looking for me the same way I came looking for her, I smiled.

I went back to my room, waited for hours, searched for hours but Chloe still wasn't back yet. I went out again and saw the doctor coming from the emergency room and I immediately stopped him. "Doctor?" I asked, where is chole? I searched everywhere for her but couldn't find her, I am getting restless. "Celine" the doctor said, with a serious face "your chole" he tried to say more but got choked up, I gave the doctor a puzzled look. "What about chole?" He lowered his head and I knew he was finding the right words to use, but I'm not a child, I could take it, just tell me already. "This morning, while you were still resting, chole was, um, chole health was triggered." Okay so she is in the emergency room taking treatment, is it okay I go see her? I asked. He took a moment to respond, his head lowering again, and he caught a lump in his throat.

"not anymore" I cocked my head to the side a bit, not anymore what? Please answer me now, your suspense might kill me before this news I blunted out. He held my shoulder telling me softly "she is dead sweetheart. He said and walked away.

What do you mean gone? I asked no one in particular, my eyes flashing angrily, my body convulsed with the weight of my sorrow, and my attempt to stifle the rising tide of emotions proved futile. Uncontrollable tears streamed down my face, cascading with unrestrained fervor. Each sob reverberated through the hallway, punctuating the overwhelming anguish that consumed me.

My voice choked with grief, gasping for air between fits of inconsolable weeping.

You told me to never die chole! So why did you go? I shouted angrily and my every word was choked by the relentless tears that betrayed the depth of my emotions. In the midst of my despair, tears erupted like a thunderstorm, drenching my cheeks and leaving me gasping for breath, each drop carrying the weight of a thousand unspoken word refusing to be contained by my trembling resolve and in a blink of an eye, I collapsed to the ground breathless.

Weeping and struggling to breathe at the same time, I could not stop the pain, the ache and the memories. Just yesterday, we made a promise to survive together, why was she the one to die? Will I die soon? And with this last word. The light in my world went off.

I woke up in the emergency room, I looked everywhere but no one was around. Images of my last incident began to replay in my head. "Chloe is dead" I mouthed out. she died, she left me alone to survive this world, she left me to fight alone, she asked me not to die but she did, how could she? That sick feeling, when you actually feel the pain in your chest from hearing something or remembering something that really breaks your heart.

I am so offended, why did my body decide to be sick? Like I gave you so much care so why? I let myself drown in the sadness that was created in my heart, I cried till I found it hard to see, health is really not valued till sickness comes.

I miss Chloe so much that I felt both physically, emotionally and mentally sick. There comes a point where you no longer care if there is a light at the end of the tunnel or not, you become sick of the tunnel. This is my case, chole was like my home, and there is no place like home.

I wanted to cry some more, this pain is stocked, and I am trying to let it out, but no tears came out, so I just stared blankly into thin air while feeling my heart break into pieces.

I wanted to sleep until I felt better, this too shall pass. No, I am not stressed, it just feels like someone is rubbing my brain with a cheese grater. And now I could neither breathe nor see, I decided not to struggle to breathe this time, and I was soaked in darkness again.

My eyes flew open but this time, I woke up in my hospital room, I asked the nurse how long I have been out, and she said I have been out for a long time and I was transferred by the nurses back to my room. The nurse reminded me of my medication and things to avoid, including not going close to other lung irritants, so I promptly asked the nurse "could I die if I get in contact with another lung irritant?" "There is an eighty percent possibility that it would happen honey, so I advise you to strictly avoid them" she replied and left.

I and Chloe hugged the morning she died; I blunted out. She died because she came in contact with me, I killed chole! I screamed.

That conclusion was the beginning of self-hatred, I hated myself for the death of chole, it was all my fault, chole died because she came in contact with me, I killed chole! Repeated in my head and unstable mental health added to my condition. Emotionally I'm done, mentally I am drained, spiritually I am dead and physically I am sick.

This is the big scary truth about trauma, there is no such thing as getting over it, the five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger.

Chole, I hope you know how much it destroyed me when you left. I was born with a soul that is way too sensitive for this cold ugly world, I have always felt things deeply and differently than most people, that has always been my blessing and my curse.

I stayed in my hospital room for hours, hours became days, days became weeks and weeks became months without saying a word, looking out the window or going out to see the outside world. My mind kept telling my body to breathe, you are going to be okay; you have been this scared, uncomfortable and anxious and you survive, breathe and know you can survive this too, I know it all feels unbearable right now, just breathe, keep breathing, this too shall pass. But my body was too weak to listen.

My mother walked in encouraging me but all effort to encourage me failed. She keeps saying I am only sick, and everything would be fine, but this time mother was wrong.

I am not sick, I am twisted. Sickness makes it sound like there is a cure. The only thing I am sick of is getting my hopes up for nothing, but I still did not say a word. Behind my silence there is loneliness, depression, pain, overthinking, emptiness and a cry for help. Who would have known Chole would die through sleeping, who knew Chole would never wake up that night? What if I also sleep into death? Drive into death with my own hands, what if I suddenly sleep and forget to wake up? What if I speak a word and get triggered to death? What if the weather becomes too hard for my health? What if I catch a cold and cough till death? What if.

I was scared, scared to eat, sleep, smile, dance, walk or talk. I feel like the normal ways of living are now a threat to my life.

RUN! It was a fight with my conscious mind. My skin pricked with clammy cold sweat, goosebumps rising like a constellation of fear, as if my body sought to shield itself from the impending danger. My hands shook uncontrollably, an involuntary tremor that betrayed my inner turmoil, as fear and panic waged a relentless battle within me, I clamped my hands over my mouth, stifling the scream, my eyes darted around, I was surrounded by water.

My breath came in jagged, uneven gasp, as if my lungs struggled to draw in air amidst the suffocating grip of fear, each inhalation a battle against my own panic.

I shook my head continuously in dismissal and my eyes snapped open. I was covered in cold sweat, my heart pounding, I looked around the room suspiciously paranoid that the horror might have followed me here, looking towards the window and watched as the sun shines bright through the window, washing away the vestiges of the horror, leaving me relieved to return to my mundane existence.

A horrible dream increased my fear of sleep. I decided to go outside my room, I wanted to be sure the horror indeed did not follow me here.

It has been a long time since I strolled around the hospital building. After chole passed, all the angles of the hospital reminded me of chole, so I avoided it but for how long? I was about to fall into thought when I heard nurses screaming nearby, the ambulance driver rushed inside the building calling the nurses and a patient was brought in a stretcher rolling directly to the emergency room with the help of the nurses.

The patient was a young man maybe in his twenties, with a cute face and clean cut. I watched as the new patient was taken to the emergency room.

I went back to my room with the new patient's face refusing to leave my skull, the nurse came in for my treatment and I took the opportunity to ask about the new patient, but she only said he was fine. Nurses are always giving advice but mine never wants me to go close to anyone, she sometimes acts like a monitoring spirit.

I smiled at her too careful character towards me, who knows? She might be given extra allowance for evil mirroring me, but my coconut head still wanted to see Mr. Strange again.

I counted the stars that night because of my fear to sleep, what if I get locked in the dream by my village witches I shivered. I used to do this so much with chole, part of the routine I can't help but miss, do what I love best with someone I love most. Sometimes you can't stop yourself from missing someone.

I inhaled deeply, watching as the clocks tick second by second until it was morning. I quickly went out of my room, I was tired of being tied to this bed, going out might make me feel better. I went to the emergency room and watched as Mr. Strange slept peacefully, and from that day on, that became my new routine.

I watched him every day and it felt like I was sent to monitor someone I barely knew, but either way, I enjoyed it, doing it with a smile on my face.

As I entered what I thought was the general medicine ward, I discovered that I had taken the wrong direction, I quickly stepped back to make a turn to my hospital room and I bumped into someone. He was a young aged charming guy, with a muscular, tall, body type, curly hair and a caramel skin tone. In short, he was dead breath taken. I looked at his blue ocean eyes and the breath I was managing seized a beat, it was Mr. strange.

When did he rise from the bed? I asked myself. I quickly walked past him before I got swallowed and hastily marched towards my hospital room like I was being followed. I watched Mr. Strange for days without him knowing it and when he got out, we bumped into each other. I smiled, big, sweet destiny, just don't break my heart or I will kill you, I said to myself.

Getting caught by my thoughts, I felt embarrassed, blushing and tapping my head, what are you thinking in your head? IT IS A NO!