The Bite Cleaner

Dr. Reuben Camacho took a sip of hot chocolate as he walked up his clinic's steps. It was a calm, dry evening out here in bustling, growing city of Elks Grove, Nevada. He looked to his right and saw the tall Sierra Nevada mountains in the distance. His smile went away as he went looking through his pocket for the keys. Giving up, he turned the doorknob as he remembered that Maddy already opened up the clinic.

As he walked in, a strand of his long lusciously brown hair flipped in front of him. A quick puff of air blew it back over his head. Inside, he saw three patients waiting for him. A woman wearing a black miniskirt and stockings looked at her smartphone. She rubbed her jaw slightly. After another quick glance he realized that he never saw her before. To the left of her sat a man in a dingy brown suit. He looked sweaty and uncomfortable. Reuben noticed that he was more than a bit overweight as well. He smiled as the doctor walked in and Reuben smiled back. The smile had given him the best clue as what was ailing him. For Reuben's clinic was not an ordinary clinic. It mainly served a dynamic clientele.

"Documents are already at your desk, " said Maddy as she pointed to his office.

"Thanks Maddy, " he said to his secretary and assistant, a friendly woman from Nebraska who's been with the clinic even before he took it over.

Reuben took another sip of his drink after he sat down and booted up his computer. He opened the first folder and read through what Maddy had gotten on the patient. {It's Gregg again. Damnit Gregg!} thought Reuben. {Thought we'd been over this already! Now look at you!}

Reuben pressed the intercom button and said, "Mr. Eggerston, please come in."

Gregg Eggerston entered the clinic as Reuben put on his gloves. The rash on his neck was a giveaway that Maddy had noted in her files. "I ain't feeling well, doc, " said Gregg.

"I noticed, " Reuben said as he stood up and Gregg sat down on the observation table. "Still need to be sure, though." He looked at Gregg's hair and noticed some hair fall off his hair. {Strike one}. A closer look at the rashes on Gregg's neck revealed some brown sores. {Strike two}. "Say 'Ahh!'" said Reuben as he looked at the man's mouth.

"Ahh..." Reuben immediately noticed some red patches in the man's mouth. Two at both sides of the lips and two on the gums above the fangs. Strike three.

"OK, close." Reuben took off his gloves. "Mr. Eggerston, you have Syph."

"Syphilis?" Mr. Eggerston responded. "Damn that sucks."

"Look, sir, " Reuben said as he went into lecture mode. "We've been over this before. Just because you're immortal doesn't mean you can't get sick nor does being infertile mean you don't need condoms."

"But I like it raw..." moaned Mr. Eggerston.

"You really shouldn't do it unprotected with new partners, Mr. Eggerston."

"Well it's hard to carry protection when flying."

"You can keep it in your wallet. You don't lose that when flying."

"OK, fine. Should I take antibiotics?"

Reuben opened the window. "While your immortality is the cause of this problem, it is also the cure. I want you to fly around the city for an hour."

"That's it?" Gregg asked incredulously.

"Yeah. Bats don't get syphilis. Not human syphilis, anyway. Your bat mode will kill off the bacteria."

"Thanks doc!" Gregg said as he stood up and faced the window. scrrupt! He quickly transformed, his body sucked into his bellybutton and inverted out, forming a larger than average bat. It quickly flapped its wings and flew away into the night.

"I'll text you the fee!" shouted Reuben as the patient flew away.

Reuben walked to the desk and pressed the intercom button. "Next patient."

In walked a man in his late 40s. He wiped sweat from his brow as he quickly sat down. "Doc, my wife's been bugging me all week to come see you."

"I'll bet." He looked at the file on the man. "You've been complaining of chest pains and exhaustion."

"Yeah. It's been a tough month at the job. Lotta nutty calls. I thought it was anxiety at first."

"How long have you been a-"

"Vampire? Six years now."

"I knew that already. What I meant was at your job."

"Also six years. It was a lucky year for me."

"I wasn't living here at the time, but didn't half of Tan Town burn down in the Thomas fire? I vaguely saw it on CNN."

"I remember that. I got hired after the fire."

Reuben steered the conversation back, "Then what do you eat most days?"

"Lasagna- my wife's an excellent cook. Chicken burgers from Mom's Touch. And a salad."

"With thousand island?" said Reuben as he pointed to the beige color stain on the man's tie.

"Oh yeah! My favorite."

"How many bites a week?"

"Two or three. Sometimes four."

Reuben gripped his hands. "Yeah. I know what the problem is. You're ingesting too much fat. Your arteries are getting clogged and you're going to get angina."

"My wife was right..." moaned the man.

"First, I want you to stop biting Americans."

"But doc!" The man threw his hands up. "They taste so good! It's like drinking McDonalds!"

"That's the problem! You're getting too much salt, sugar, and fat from them. You're going to have to lay off them for a while."

"But what am I supposed to drink from?"

"I suggest the community blood tap. But in your case, you need exercise. You need to hunt wild prey. I suggest a cow or two at the big ranch at first. They won't run as much. Then work your way up to rabbits." He took out his prescription pad. "And you're getting a fat blocker."

"I can eat at Mom's Touch?"

"Not their chicken burgers. Only their salads, no sauce. And no lasagna either."

"Urgh! What's the point of being immortal if I can't eat what I want?!"

Reuben got up and closed the window. "You can't die normally of old age. That's the best benefit. But if you don't change your ways, you'll have a heart attack every day for eternity."

"That don't sound fun."

Reuben gave him the paper. "Take this to my secretary. She'll give you a prescription and bill your HMO."

"Thanks doc. I'm glad you're in my network."

"I'm glad your network doesn't require as much paperwork as Kaiser."

Reuben finished off his hot chocolate, then read the final file. "Ms. Philips."

The woman wearing the black miniskirt with stocking walked it. Reuben noticed her black lipstick as well.

"Hey doc, " asked the woman, "can you help me?"

"I went over what you told my secretary, " said Reuben as she sat down. "But I don't know why you refuse to drink from the community pool."

"Ugh, doc. It's so clinical." She shrugged her shoulders.

"It's supposed to be a safe way to get the hemoglobin your body needs. Shifters, especially vampires, can't make hemoglobin in amounts the body needs. Hence you need to drink blood to get it so your body can copy. There's a magic component that has to do with shapeshifting and-"

"Yeah doc, I get the point, " Ms. Philips interrupted, "but I want to bite. I don't want to just suck on a straw. I want to drink organic blood."

Reuben struggled to hold back a laugh. "OK then, you've been a vampire for less than a year. Let's look at your fangs."

She smiled. The fangs on both sides of her jaw barely stuck out. Reuben thought they looked cute. "Have you made any bites?"

"Not with these chipmunk teeth in the way, " sarcastically said Ms. Philips.

Reuben pressed the intercom button. "Hold my calls, " he told Maddy. He then opened the bottom shelf and looked inside. Numerous hand and power tools were wrapped in plastic. He carefully reached down and pulled out a pack of pliers. He got the needle neck pliers out of the wrapping.

"Your fangs are fine. Just jammed because of your teeth. Since you can't go to a dentist for obvious reasons, I'll help you out."

"Thanks doc! This would be so much harder if I still lived in Vegas!"

"You might not be so happy in a few seconds. This is going to sting a bit."

Maddy put on her headphones and typed into the insurance form as the screams of Ms. Philips came from the office.

Elk Grove Night Clinic, 11:00PM

Dr. Camacho scrolled absentmindedly through the insurance docs on his computer, mostly looking for a certain billing code. He had received only two human patients all night, and both were easy to help (free flu shots). {It's quiet...too quiet, }, he thought. He opened up his email and started writing a text message to his girlfriend: Looking forward to your ret-.

His email was interrupted by the front door swinging open. "Help, doc!" screamed a man with a slightly shrill voice.

"What happened?!" Maddy in the lounge asked as Dr. Camacho opened the door to his office. They saw 4 men in hunting outfits carrying in a man, each man holding one limb.

"It's Jake! He fell out of a tree!" said the man holding Jake's left arm.

"Why didn't you bring him to County Medical ER?!" asked Maddy.

"Special case!"

"Bring him in here, guys!" strongly asked Dr. Camacho as he ran to the X-RAY room and opened the door.

The strong men carried their ailing, groaning friend, then as best as they could, gently lifted him onto the X-ray scanning table.

"UNNGH!" said Jake. "My baackk!" he said loudly.

"Can you give me more details about what happened?" asked the doctor as he put on his gloves.

"Yeah, " said a man wearing a MEGG (Make Elk Grove Great) hat. "We were bear romping in the mountains when we came across a house. Jake here was going through the garbage when a cat saw him and chased him up a tree."

"A cat? Really?" asked Reuben as he booted up the X-Ray machine.

"I couldn't control my instincts! Aghgh!" Jake complained but talking made him hurt worse.

"So he climbed up the tree. He started waving to us-"

"And the limbs broke, " said a man wearing an orange hunting vest and Raiders hat. "He landed his back on-"

"On a tree root, " said the man wearing the MEGG hat.

"Then the cat bit him and peed on him, " said the man wearing the military sweater that didn't match the color of his pants.

"That pussy! Next time I swear I'll eat him instead!" shouted Jake.

"Hold him on his side so I can take the scan, " requested Reuben.

"OK doc. He didn't shapeshift back well, " explained the mismatched sweater man, "and he's been complaining about the pain."

"ARRRGGGH!" screamed Jake as they rotated him. He gripped the table's metal supports.

"Alright, everyone out now. X-rays are not safe, " said Reuben. The men left the room and Dr. Camacho followed after setting up the X-Ray machine on his back.

After taking the pictures, Dr. Camancho came in with the men and put Jake painfully onto his stomach.

"I'm going to give you an ice pack and a shot for the pain, then I'll check your X-rays, OK Jake?"

"Yeah...I'm just gonna lay here, doc. Not going anywhere."

A few minutes later, Dr. Camacho came back in as his friends sat down in the lobby and helped Maddy with the admittance forms.

"I took a look at the X-rays. You're lucky your bear form can take a hit. That impact would've broken the back of a regular man."

"Why does it hurt so much? I thought in my bear form we don't get hurt as much, " asked Jake.

"It's not that simple. A portion of your body is changed into a bear while the other half sits in the atomic space between your cells. Unfortunately, where you hurt was part of the bear form, " explained the Dr. Camacho. "This is why I always tell shifters to wait for your food to digest before changing back so you don't get sick."

"OK. There...might be...another problem, " said Jake, his eyes a bit open now that the pain was subsiding.

"What could there be that's worse than bursitis and a pinched nerve?"

"I...can't recall well...but...while roaming on my own...I...mighta...sexed another bear."

"Oh. That's not a problem at all, " Dr. Camacho responded as he wrote something on a pad.

"Won't she have human babies because I'm human?" asked Jake.

"No. Because any cubs born will be bear only, since you were in bear form. Animal to human shifters haven't been seen in millenia, though the last one was reported around Oregon by a native tribe long ago."

"Well, that's a relief."

"Also, your spine wasn't broken, but I can't give you opiates. State regs." He helped Jake to his feet. "I want you to take this to the physical therapy department at Folden Medical."

"But the HMO-" Jake complained but Dr. Camacho interrupted.

"-will cover this. I already checked. They might get mad at me for skipping the ambulance, but they'll get over it. Don't do anything strenuous for the next few days. That includes shifting!"

"Aww, doc.."

"I mean it! I'm not sure how Dr. Li will handle your care, but I believe he'll want you off your feet for the next few days. Go to Folden, get checked it, and have your friends bring some clean clothes and stuff from your house."

"Yes, doc..."

Apartment, 5:00AM

Dr. Camacho set his satchel down as he closed the door. The apartment was dark, as always. He switched on the lights and looked around. He looked at their weird Dali-ish art on the walls. {Totally not my style}, he thought as he walked over to the kitchen. Why can't my roommate- oh shit! He quickly raced over to the windows overlooking the city and swung open the side window. A bat flew in and landed on the couch. sccript! The bat transformed into a human. A pale young man an inch under six feet, wearing a thin leather jacket and white waistcoat, was on the couch. He casually flipped his lightly curled hair up as he looked up to Reuben.

"Sup dawg. Couldn't leave a window open, could you?" he asked with a biting tone.

"Forgot you were working tonight, Lucas, " said Reuben as he closed the window. He walked over to the fridge.

"How many roommates do you have that fly in thru the window?"

Reuben threw him a beer. "Does Sam count?" He took out a bottle of tea.

"He went out the window, didn't he?" Lucas looked at the beer. "Why'd you give me the cheap shit?!"

"Because your cheap ass hasn't paid the rent!" Reuben noted as he flopped down on the other couch facing Lucas. He removed the hairband holding back his long hair.

"I get paid tomorrow from club Opal, and Thursday I should have enough when Trinity pays." Lucas took a sip, then changed his accent to a drier Nebraska tone. "Why you bugging me anyway? You're a hotshot city doctor. Don't you boys get paid by the busload?"

"I wish my student loans didn't cost as much as two buses. But you see, roommates share the rent. Where's last month's by the way?"

"I'm paying it all tomorrow. God, you're worse than my mother."

"Did your mother make you pay rent on time too?" joked Reuben.

Lucas lifted his lanky legs and put his feet on the ottoman between the couches. "No, she only kicked me out for being gay. I wasn't even gay at the time! How did she know?"

Reuben looked to his left, found the protective cloth neatly folded, and picked it up. "Women have a way with these things, " he said as he lifted Lucas' feet and put the cloth under his shoes then dropped them back down.

"Always heard gaydar was a myth. People always say they have it and they get it wrong."

"Some studies say yes and some say no." Reuben opened his bottle. "How was the club?"

"I was at...Richardo's. Usual scene. Some familiars begged me to drink their blood, so I obliged."

"Did you use the draw kit I made for you?"

"No. I'm a biter, not a phlebotanist."

"It's phlebotomist, dingbat, and I told you about this already. You're going to get an infection. At the very least, it's not sanitary."

"I've been a vampire for around 25 years. I got a nose for these things, doc. Never bite the sick ones."

"Let me guess, AIDS has a smell?"

"Vampires can't get HIV."

"They can certainly get the clap and the burning piss, at least. Use the draw kit."

"But it doesn't draw that much blood!"

"You're a vampire, not a hemophiliac. You don't need as much as the movies think you do."

"It's more fun this way, fits the myth. The legend. It won't impress the girls if I use a draw kit!"

Reuben laughed and then said "You know what would impress me? You doing the dishes!"

"Man, them dishes are fine!" Lucas then turned his head. A pile of dishes were in the sink. A shadow moved around them. He thought it was a cockroach. "On second thought, " he put down his cheap American beer and went over to the sink. "I'd better deal with this before the health inspector shuts us down."

The sink became a blur as Lucas used vampire magic to speed himself up, washing the huge pile of dishes in barely a minute. He turned to Reuben, smiled and bowed. "That's my monthly chore, done and done."

Elk Grove Clinic, 6:30PM

"What did you say your name was?" asked Maddy.

"Montague, Henri, with an i at the end, " said the pepper gray-haired man in the old style black suit.

Maddy checked the database again. "No, I don't think you're in my system."

The man looked up, as if he was searching his memory. He looked at Maddy. "Try Montague, Henry with a y at the end."

Maddy ran a search. "Is your current address in Nevada, Missouri?"

"What? No, that is not me."

"Hmmm, what's your social?" Montague gave her some numbers he thought was his Social Security Number. "Are you a white woman from Nantucket?"

"What? No, wrong number. Sorry, ma'am." He looked through his wallet. "Try this card."

Maddy looked at the worn social security card. Shrugging, she entered the number. "Sir, this says you died at the Pentagon on 9/11."

"What? How? I wasn't even in the US at the time."

Maddy shrugged her shoulders, and pressed the intercom. "We've got a special case."

"Special case or really special?" asked Dr. Camacho.

"Special case."

"Did you just refer to me as special?" asked Montague.

"I'll see the patient now, Maddy."

"Doctor wants to see you, Mr. Special."

"That is my cue to exit stage left. Thank you for your help."

Dr. Camacho looked up at the man and realized he was special. The suit's fuzzy wool and white pattern lines stood out, along with his overall ashen skin and short, pointy hair that was a bit thin near the top. "How can I help you today, Mr..."

"Montague, " said the man as he took his seat. "I'm here for a routine physical."

"What's your insurance company?"

"Barker life and health."

"That's a name I haven't heard of." He pressed the intercom button. "You know a Barker life and health insurance?"

"They went out of business in Oh-six!" replied Maddy.

"They did? No wonder your secretary cannot find my records, " Montague replied. "I suppose I need one to get medical care these days in America?"

"Only for more intensive cases, " explained Dr. Camacho. "If you've got a credit card or cash, but any rate, a routine physical will set you back fifteen dollars. If you don't have the funds-"

"Sorry, doctor, but is paper money still taken? My credit cards have long since expired." He took out two hundred dollar bills and passed it to him.

Dr. Camacho, ever the curious sort, looked at the bill. The print date read 1996. He looked at the other bill. The coloring was a bit worn. He checked the date. It said 1966.

"Yeah...the bank guy might look at me funny, but it's fine. We can make change if you need it."

"Thank you doctor. I notice that you seem aware as to my identity."

Dr. Camacho returned the bills and asked the man, "So how long were you out of the states?"

"I've been living in Costa Rica, Panama, and Belize. Mostly Belize, for the past 25, 30 years. I admit I haven't kept track since the middle 80s."

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Let's have a look, shall we?" asked the doctor as he put on his gloves.

While going through the physical, Reuben thought about the situation. {Clearly this man is not a poser or familiar posing for someone. I can't help him much more than this. I'm not a paperwork faker. I wonder if he knows-}

"Do I have a clean bill of health, doctor?"

"You look remarkably healthy for a man born during the Napoleonic Wars, " said Dr. Camacho. "I can't help you with the magic circuit stuff, since I'm still trying to understand the Shifter Guidebook."

"I helped in the copy-making process. Do you have your copy in the office?"

Dr. Camacho reached into the desk and pulled out a large leather-bound book and handed it to him.

"The days I spent writing each word by hand. We partially industrialized the process. I only wrote chapter 7: Shifter weaknesses." He then softly spun the book to its side. "Oh, Seltzer, how fond of you I was. He was like a brother to me in those wild days of 1855."

"You can tell me more at a later time. As far as your paperwork dilemma goes, I know someone you can talk to. Do you know of the NSA?" explained Dr. Camacho.

"I've heard of the agency but only in news snippets and whispered conversations in Spanish."

"There's someone who works there who handles cases like yours. Would you like to meet her tomorrow?"

"I suppose that, if I want access to my fortune, I am to go through her?"

"Considering you can't remember your SSN, then yes she's pretty much your only hope."

"Certainly, then. Doctor, go ahead and arrange a meeting."

Denny's 24 hour restaurant.

6:00AM

Reuben sat down and looked around. He wondered how Mr. Montague would find him since he didn't live in Elk Grove nor had a phone. He checked his smartphone. Tanya hadn't called in a few days and neither had the NSA contact. He did notice the four messages from insurers asking about the weird injuries he constantly treats and one from his sponsor Folden Medical.

He was about to check them when Montague sat down in the diner in front of him.

"I like this semi-classic americana feel. Don't you?" asked Montague.

"I like the fact that it's open 24 hours, " said Reuben. "My night hours make it hard to do power lunches with colleagues."

"Yes, we shifters are a night people. Much easier to shift away from prying eyes."

"Why did you return to America, and specifically here?"

"I had heard from other shifters in Belize that a conclave had moved here and that humans here were somewhat shifter friendly. They said something about fan fiction and I don't know the rest."

A woman with dark brown skin, short straight hair and wearing a purple blazer that screamed 'don't trifle with me' sat down next to Reuben. Reuben slid over to give her elbow room. "We keep meeting like this, doctor. It makes a girl wonder if you have feelings for her, " the woman said.

Reuben blushed a bit and said, "Nothing of the sort. Just the usual business."

"Good morning. You must be the NSA officer that the kind doctor wanted me to meet, " said Montague. He offered his hand.

"Pleased to meet you. Call me Faviola, please. Wouldn't want the locals to get any ideas."

"Faviola? ~Is your family from Brazil?~" asked Montague in Portuguese.

"~Yes, Mr. Montague. I even speak the family language. ~"

"~I should not be surprised. It takes a sharp mind to work for America's finest.~"

"That's a first. I should enjoy the compliments while they last."

Montague opened his coat and took over several papers from the pocket. Fabiola looked at them and said, "I'm glad at least one of you long lived vampires keeps paperwork. Almost always it's 'I lost it in World War I' or something, "

"I prefer the term 'biter'. I can tell by your tone that you've encountered others like me. I hope my concerns are not a burden, but I do have many problems my long absence has caused."

"Speaking of which, " asked Reuben, "why did you leave the US for so long?"

"I felt like I did everything I wanted to. I made a lot of money on Shell Oil shares and used that to retire to the jungles. I still kick myself for not investing in Microsoft. That's a regret that will last a lifetime."

"I'll have the office make you a new identity and transfer ownership of these assets you gave me by next week, " Fabiola explained. "Just stop by Reuben's clinic around...Thursday or Friday and tell Maddy you're here for the results."

"From the bottom of my long dead heart, I thank you."

"That's supposed to be a compliment, right?" Faviola crossed her arms.

"Yes, yes! Of course!" Reuben quickly said.

"Now what should I invest in these days? My health insurance company went out of business and Shell Oil is probably gone as well."

"No, it's still here. But don't ask me, " replied Reuben. "Damnit Jim. I'm a doctor, not an investment banker."

Montague said, "I am glad someone remembers Star Trek. I saw it on TV once at Hugh Hefner's house. How's the old codger?"

"He's dead, Jim, " replied Faviola and Reuben at the same time.

"Oh. Guess I should not be surprised. But he's a biter like me. How did he die?"

"I don't follow the tabloids, " said Reuben.

"Old age, " said Faviola. "He wasn't on my list of known vampires."

"Then how else but through biter magic did he get a house of beautiful women?"

"That's not my department. But anyway, if you want long lasting companies, there are some always in demand industries. Mostly booze, smokes, and guns, " said Reuben.

Montague looked at him with a strict expression. "I'll have you know that I am a man of dignity. I am assuredly not one of those, " he said the next part with a strong accent and turned up nose, "Southern vampires."

"Car companies have been around a long time, " explained Fabiola. "I could move your assets into automotive ETFs. Everybody needs to drive, right?"

Reuben laughed and said, "Car companies? After the auto industry meltdown in 2008?"

'I'm serious! They're more stable these days than even the overpriced computer companies that are one 16 year old hacker with pimples away from total disaster."

"I fondly recall my first time in a Model T, " explained Montague. "I forgot to lock the door properly and the vehicle took a sharp turn. I went flying out of the noisy contraption and into a thorny bush."

"Always buckle your seatbelt, " said Reuben.

"No seatbelts on the Model T. Better stick to medicine, doctor, " explained Faviola. "Anyway, the breakfast has been fun, doctor, and Mr. Montague." Faviola stood up. "I hope our next interaction is just as pleasant."

After she left, Reuben said, "Be very careful in your dealing with her in the future."

"Why do you say that? She seems very professional yet friendly, " replied Montague. "Certainly more friendly than my fellow sharks on Wall Street in the 80's."

"What do you remember of the National Security Agency?" asked Reuben.

"They spy on foreign governments. Most of the time, when I was in Guatemala, " Montague said as he finished his coffee, "the government officials said many things I took to be drunken myths."

"Are you familiar with the phrase 'deal with the devil'?" he asked in a whisper.

Montague remained calm, but a light began to shine in his eyes. "My good doctor, I attended the first plays of Goethe's Faust many a century ago."

"Yeah...Fabiola's the devil. She will help you out, but ask things of you in the future."

"Why did you have me meet with a threat such as her, then good doctor?"

Reuben looked down, almost in shame. "For starters, I am not a counterfeiter. She's the only human friendly to shifters I know of with the kind of access you need."

"Oh."

"And secondly, she helps my clinic with the shifter community. The shifter conclave doesn't fund my clinic, so I take risks treating them. She sometimes helps with those."

"I sense a 'But'..."

"But the community doesn't like her. She frequently has them take on dangerous assignments. Things they don't like to talk about."

"But like to drink themselves into forgetting. I was like that once, after I lost track of my children."

"What happened to them?"

"Lost to the sands of time. I spent years trying to forget them. Years searching for them. When you're immortal, the cost is time moves on without you." He stood up. "We can talk about my past later. You have done me a great service in my hour of need."

He shook hands with Reuben, then said "I will see about making this conclave help you."

"That's not necessary. Just doing my job." {Really not sure how the medical board is gonna feel about a biter funding my clinic. Or an entire community of them. }