prologue
I was known as the Miss Prim and Proper of our university. Always wear long-sleeved shirts, pants, or a skirt that is always below the knee in length. My hair was always tied up, and I never wore bangs. Bangs are just too much of a nuisance on the face, especially when they hit the eyes.
I always carry books with me. Especially when I'm inside the university. I earned respect from the teachers because of that. Also, I was always at the top of the class. So I take care of my title of Miss Prim and Proper. Because that's the only way I get respect.
Many were annoyed, but nobody dared to oppose me. Why? Because I am the best friend of the most beautiful and hottest girl at the university.
Artemis Gallagher.
She has the power, the beauty, the fame, the money, and whatnot. She's like the epitome of beauty. Many men admire her but cannot form a bond because of her two brothers. She was the only girl of the Gallagher siblings, so it would be terrible if her brother could protect her.
And since Artemis is my friend, no one tried to fight with me, even though many were jealous. Many girls want to take my place, but they can't do anything.
"I hate Apollo."
I looked at the speaker who just sat in front of me while I was reading alone here in the library. It was my best friend, Artemis. And her face is frowning again. And for sure, her twin is probably the reason she looks like this.
"What now?" I asked, looking back at the book I was reading.
"He saw me talking to Joshua and just pulled me out of there! I left Joshua there! I mean, I was only talking with him! What's wrong with that?"
I put down the book I was reading because I'm sure I wouldn't understand anything there either. I arranged my scattered things and stood up to leave the library. With Artemis's noise, I'm sure we'll be scolded inside, so it's better if we talk outside.
"He's annoying!" Artemis continued as we got outside. "I don't say anything when he changes from woman to woman, but I'm just talking to the man; will he be banned? That was so unfair!"
A lot of people we meet greet her, but she doesn't pay attention because she's busy ranting to me about her brother. When we entered the cafeteria, I immediately looked for a seat.
"You know what, Daphne? Why don't you seduce my twin brother? Maybe he'll stop with me when he falls in love with you."
I looked at my best friend to see if she had grown a third eye. What the hell was she saying?
"Are you kidding me? You know I don't like playboys," I said, and as if on cue, we saw his twin entering the cafeteria with a new girl.
"That bitch is a slut. I hope he at least chooses a decent woman, right?" Artemis complained. Well, what does she expect? A playboy is for sluts only.
When I got home, I stood outside the gate of our house for a few minutes. I don't want to go inside. I don't want to go home, but I have no choice.
"Is Mama there, Manang?" I asked Manang Rosi when she opened the gate for me. She smiled sadly at me and nodded. I held my breath.
The usual day, huh?
When I entered the house, I was immediately attacked by the smell of alcohol. I sighed even more. I saw Mama in the living room, and it looked like she was drowning herself in alcohol again. When she saw me, he laughed out loud.
"Ah! The devil's daughter is here!"
I froze at what she said. Even if you say it every day, I still can't avoid being hurt. I approached her to steer, but she shook my hand.
"Don't touch me!" She tried to stop me, but because she was so drunk, she was no longer pointing directly at me. "You're the reason why my life is ruined! You! You two and your demon father!"
I sighed for the ninth time. I turned my back on her and went to my room. I know she will never stop saying hurtful things about me.
I did my routine. I showered and got ready. I put on my red lipstick and a smokey eyeshadow for my eyes. Then I blow-dried my waist-length hair and curled it. Then I wear a red halter dress that almost fits my body.
Then I got into my car and drove to the bar where I often go. The bouncer outside didn't even pay attention to me, and I continued to enter. I immediately went straight to the bar counter and ordered a Bloody Mary.
I was prim and proper at the university, but at night this bar filled me up.
I don't want to be at home. I don't want to see Mama. She always blames me for what happened in her life. She is angry with me, I know. and if it was possible for my parents to shop, I would have done it.
Want to know why my own mother hates me?
She was raped, and I was the result. Her then-boyfriend break up with her because of what happened. She can't put my father in jail because he's rich. And to make up for what he did, he sent us money every month. That Mama only consumes when she drinks alcohol.
God. I hate my life.
"Hi, miss. Can I buy you a drink?"
I looked at the man who spoke to me. He's good-looking. but I'm not here to hook up. I'm not new to being approached by men when I'm here at the bar.
"I'd love a drink, as long as you're not under the impression that offering me one will entice me to hook up with you later." I said it flatly, and the man frowned as he just left without saying goodbye.
I shook my head. Boys and their pick-up lines
"Did it hurt?"
With surprised eyes, I looked at the man who had asked me before.
"Did what hurt?" I asked, completely confused.
"When you fell from heaven,"
I was literally tormented by what he said. Lines like that have been scratched. Is there anything new?
"I dug my way up from hell." I said this while smiling sweetly at him. The man looked stunned.
"Oh. Well, this is awkward," he said, and just like before, he just left.
I saw the bartender smiling and shaking his head at me. He always sees how I reject men who approach me. I raised my glass at him before I emptied it and decided to go home.
On my way out, I was stunned. I saw Apollo Gallagher sitting on the couch with two women by his side. I got nervous. I don't want anyone at my university to see this look. That's why the bar I go to is far away, but why is he here? I am Miss Prim and Proper. And if someone sees me, my reputation will surely be ruined.
I quickly walked away, especially when I passed the couch where Apollo was sitting. I didn't look back when I passed, and he might still see me. I drove my way home and immediately got dressed and went to sleep.
"Daphne, I have a date with Joshua later."
I was surprised when Artemis said that. She knows she can't go on a date because she's a closed guard, especially with her twin. But what can I do? That's her life.
Speaking of her twin, did he see me last night?
"When my twin asks, it's up to you to sneak in, okay?" She said, which surprised me more.
"Don't blame me for the mess in your love life, Artemis." I said that and looked back at the book.
"Go ahead, please, Daphne," she begged, but she stopped when someone texted her cell phone. "Joshua is waiting for me at our meeting place. It's up to you, Daphne? Bye!"
I wanted to scream and chase her, but I was in the library. What the heck! That one is also reprimanded! I will still sympathize! This Joshua is becoming a bad influence!
I have my own problems, but it looks like my best friend's love life is even worse. I'm here.
I saw Apollo enter the library, so I stopped complaining in my mind and pretended to be reading. I almost caught my breath when he sat in the chair in front of me.
"Where's Artemis?" he asked, using hard words.
"I do not know." I answered because I couldn't think of an excuse. How brilliant of me!
"Liar." he said. "I saw her come out here, so I'm sure you know where she's going."
I looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. And I saw it. his piercing blue eyes that everyone in the Gallagher family is obsessed with. And now that I saw the man's eyes up close, I couldn't help but be amazed.
"Done admiring me?"
I blinked and saw his smile at me. Shame! He caught me staring at him!
I immediately tried to hide my embarrassment.
"You saw your twin come out here. Why didn't you just follow her instead of asking me?" I asked him bluntly, and I saw amusement in his eyes. Then he chuckled before shrugging his shoulders.
"Because I mean you," he said while still wearing his smirk.
"I?"
"Yes, you. Miss Prim and Proper, who goes to the bar every night,"
I immediately got a nervous attack because of what he said. Confirmed! He saw me last night! And I don't know how I can get through it!
"I'm not what you saw." I tried, but I knew he didn't believe me because he laughed.
"Alright. Try to deny it as long as you can, Miss Prim and Proper." He leaned forward, so I could almost smell his fragrant breath. "I'll surely get you out of your shell," he said before leaving me there alone.
My fists are clenched. My secret is out. Someone already knows my secret. And the bad news is that Apollo Gallagher knew then. And I'm scared that everyone will know that I was a product of rape.
How doomed am I?
chapter 1
"I'm leaving, Mom."
I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Mama sitting in the living room with a bottle of wine in her hand. There is nothing new there. She's like this every day. but sometimes it's tiring to see her like this with each passing day.
She stood up and looked at me with wide eyes from drunkenness. She staggered toward me. I waited for her to come closer before I spoke.
"It's early, but you're drunk again." I said. She was already drunk at nine o'clock in the morning. But as I said, there is nothing new to her.
"You know why I'm drunk? Because of you." She raised her hand and stuck her index finger on my forehead. She pushed me with her index finger.
I didn't move, and I let her push my head. I bit my lower lip to stop the emotion that wanted to escape from my chest.
"Can you not come back? I don't want to see your face." She said this and gently slapped my cheek. I shook my head.
"This is my only house." I said it in a soft and low voice. I can't count how many times we've talked about it, but we've talked about it over and over again. Maybe because she's drunk, that's why she always forgets what we're talking about.
"Ask your demon father for money. So you can move and I won't see your face anymore!"
I sighed. I know exactly where this is going. I brace myself for whatever she will do to me when I see the anger in her eyes.
And I wasn't wrong. Just for a few moments, I felt the strong application of her palm on my cheek. My head was thrown to the side because of her hard slap the strong application of her palm on my cheek. My head was thrown to the side because of her hard slap. She wasn't satisfied yet and slapped my other cheek.
"You ruined my life! You two and your demon father! You are demons! Animals!" She shouted while slapping me again and again.
I didn't move from where I was standing and just let her slap me. I accepted each touch of her palm on my cheek, and I didn't try to fight. I was just bending over and biting my lower lip hard.
It looks like I'm going in again with bruises on my cheeks.
Mama was not satisfied and violently pulled my hair. I pressed harder on biting my lip so that no noise would come out of it. She will get even more angry when I say something, so I should just be quiet, even though I feel like my hair is separating from my scalp.
"Beasts! Demons! Die!" She continued to say while still tweaking me.
"Clarita! That's enough!" I heard Manang Rosi say it and grabbed Mama's hands that were tightly clinging to my hair. "You're hurting her!"
I tasted blood on my lips as I bit down harder on it. Manang Rosi tried to remove Mama's hands from my hair, so it was more than that. I feel like my scalp is bleeding. I just breathed a sigh of relief when Manang Rosi completely removed Mama's hands.
"They ruined my life, Manang! They are demons!" I heard Mama say it, and she started crying while Manang Rosi held her hands. Little by little, Mama sat on the floor as if she had lost her strength. "They are demons!"
My eyes were emotionless as I looked at Mama. I'm numb. I couldn't even feel my scalp as well as my cheeks that he slapped again and again.
"Alright, Daphne. Come in. You might be late for your class," said Manang Rosi, who is now letting Mama. I nodded and picked up my shoulder bag that I had dropped earlier when Mama was tweaking me.
"I wish I had aborted that demon's child!" I heard Mama say this as I walked out of our house.
I got in the car and drove like nothing happened. But even though I try to forget what happened earlier, I still can't help but feel heavy in my chest. The corners of my eyes started to heat up, and my breathing became deeper.
"Don't cry. Don't cry. You're strong, so don't cry.
I don't care if something bad happens to me. I hate my life anyway.
My mom was raped, and I was the result. My mom can't do anything about that guy because he's rich. And I have said several times that she should not accept the money that man is giving if she has any dignity left. But she said that there has been nothing since that man raped her. After all, her dignity has just run out, so she accepts the money. It is also said to be payment for raising her me.
I never met him. That guy. And I have no plans to meet him. All I know is that he is British. My mom was a waitress in London back then. She has a boyfriend, and their relationship is long-distance. That man tried to persuade Mama, but because she had a boyfriend at the time, she refused. But that man did not stop, even though he was rejected several times. Until he ended up raping Mama.
Yes, I hate that guy. I can't even accept him as my father. I can't call him my father. Mama is mad at me because of him. Mama tortures me every day because of him.
And yes. I am also angry with Mom. I mean, why did she even give birth to me if she just hates me? I would have been happier if she had just aborted me.
I freaking hate my life.
Unfortunately, nothing bad happened to me. I arrived safely at our university. Before I got out of my car, I checked my appearance in the mirror. Little by little, the bruises on my cheeks from her slapping me earlier started to show. It will probably only be a matter of time before everyone notices it.
I didn't even bother to cover it, and I got out of the car. What's the use? Not a week goes by without a bruise on my body. And besides being Miss Prim and Proper, everyone knows me as a clumsy genius.
"Daphne!"
I looked at the person who called me, and I automatically smiled when I saw Artemis running towards me. It looks like she just got to university.
"Good morning!" She said to me with a smile. I tried to smile widely, but I felt pain in my cheek, so I couldn't do it.
"You're happy, aren't you? How's your date?" I asked her instead.
"It was awesome! Joshua did-" she stopped and stared at my face. "What happened to your face?" She asked worriedly, so I immediately averted my face from her.
"I tripped and fell down the stairs. first face." I lied and laughed a little, as if something funny had happened to me.
I saw Artemis looking at me intently. She stared at every bruise on my face. I know she doesn't believe every lie I tell every time I have bruises on my body. But she didn't ask. She probably knows that I won't tell her the truth either.
I was a loner. When I first came to university, I was always alone. Others tried to make friends with me, but I knew they were only doing that to get high grades. To be able to copy me for every exam.
not until Artemis sat with me in the library while I was busy doing an assignment. She had an annoyed look on her face that day. I knew her from the beginning. Besides being my block mate, she is another Gallagher. The famous Gallagher siblings that I think everyone knows at that university Rich and of good race. Especially those beautiful blue eyes.
We became friends. like me because it seems that others only use Artemis. If not to gain popularity, she is used to getting them closer to her male brothers. I know the feeling of being used, so I agreed to be friends with her.
I came to my senses when I heard her sigh loudly.
"Are you okay?" There was concern in her eyes when she asked that. She held my hand before smiling at me. "Just, Daphne. I'm just here, huh? Don't be shy to tell me."
I nodded and smiled back at her. Sometimes I envy her. It's like her life is so fun. Not like mine.
And I thought about it once too. How does it feel to live as Artemis Gallagher?
chapter 2
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SCENES THAT ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNG READERS. SOME SCENES CONTAIN SELF-HARMING THAT MAY BE TOO DISTURBING, WHICH COULD ACT AS A TRIGGER FOR SOME READERS. Reader discretion is advised.
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"Oh, look. The bitch is here."
I looked at the person who blocked my path. I saw the Powerpuff Girls standing in my way. I sighed. I carefully adjusted the fastening of my shoulder bag.
"What else do you need, Blossom?" I asked, and I immediately saw the anger on her face.
"It's Tiffany, you bitch!"
I just nodded. The truth is that I know her. I just called them the Powerpuff Girls because the three of them are always together. And it's funny how they always want to ruin my day.
Tiffany is one of the top two in the batch at our college. I am the top one. She does everything to get over me. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. But she can't pass me because I don't give up. She only has the thing between her legs, while I have my brain. And I won't let her be the top one. That's all I have for everyone to respect.
"What do you need, Blossom?" again, just to annoy her. I have too much restraint not to correct her because of the things she calls me.
It worked. I saw that her face was even redder because of the thick makeup and because she was annoyed with me.
"You flirt! First, Artemis, and now Apollo? Isn't it enough that you stole my first place title?" She said it angrily, and I frowned.
Come on. What does it say?
"If this is about me being the top one, I suggest you just move on, Blossom. I know what you are doing. But look at you. Still in second place. Why don't you use your brain instead of spreading your legs?"
I saw how my words angered her, but I didn't care. Everyone knows what she does for grades. To beat me. Spreading her legs and stooping low to get high marks. She lowers her dignity just for that matter.
So unlike me. clinging to intelligence and personality just to get the respect I couldn't get from my own mother.
"Bitch! I'll do everything to beat you! I'll do everything, Madrigal! Everything! Bitch!"
"Are you calling yourself bitch, bitch?" I said I was grinning, which angered here ven more. She was about to hit me when someone stopped her hand.
I looked at the person who stopped her and saw that it was Apollo. He looks so serious while gripping Tiffany's hand. I saw that Tiffany paled when she looked at Apollo. Then the man let go and looked at me with a smile.
"Artemis is looking for you." Apollo said while smiling at me. Then he looked at the Powerpuff Girls. "I'll let it go, but if you do it again, I'll send you to hell, okay?" He smiled sweetly at the three girls, but I could see the blade in his eyes, so the three nodded one after the other with pale faces.
I couldn't help but be shocked when Apollo pulled my hand away from the Powerpuff Girls. I don't know why he intervened in the women's fight. It's just so weird that Gallagher would get involved like that.
I only came to my senses when I saw that a student saw us with wide eyes. I tried to yank my arm away from Apollo, but he wouldn't let me. I don't want anyone to see him with me. Apollo is a playboy and a happy-go-lucky guy, but he's also a Gallagher. The news that we were seen together would definitely spread, and that would ruin the reputation I was keeping.
"What?!" I said it angrily while pulling my arm. Fortunately, he also let go of me. When he faced me, I could see the annoyance in his eyes.
"Why didn't you fight back? You're about to get hurt, but you're still thinking about being Miss Prim and Proper?" He said it angrily, which surprised me even more.
"What's the point? Then you're still going to insist that I'm the girl you saw at the bar?"
He didn't pay attention to what I said and just stared at my face. His stare was so intense that I almost trembled where I was standing, so I averted my gaze from him. But he cupped my chin and stared at my face really hard.
"What happened to your cheek?" he asked weakly. I removed his grip on my face and stepped away from him.
"None of your business." I said that and slapped him. But before I could get away, he spoke.
"You're my twin's best friend, so you should take care of yourself. She will be sad when something bad happens to you."
I quickly walked away from him. I know. I know Artemis will be sad. That's why I don't tell her. That's why she didn't know who I was until now. What I do at night she doesn't know. Because I don't want her to sympathize with my problem.
When I got home, I saw my mom drinking alcohol again. I saw that there were newly bought wines on display near the kitchen. Maybe that man sent it again. So now Mama is getting drunk again.
I just held my breath. I'm so tired and sick of my life. When I go home, this is what I see. I don't want this anymore. I'm fed up.
"I'm here." I said that and was about to go straight to the stairs when I saw Mama stand up and walk towards me. She was really drunk because he almost fell while walking. And I know what will happen.
Mama becomes more violent when she is drunk.
I was not surprised when she rushed at me and suddenly strangled me. We both fell down, and I immediately felt pain in my back when it hit the floor, but Mama didn't care. She immediately put me down and choked me tightly.
"Die! You devil die!" she said while gradually tightening her stranglehold on my neck. "I wish I never had you as a child! I wish I had killed you before!"
I held her hands to remove the stranglehold on my neck because I was short of breath. I shouldn't do this. I should have let myself die, but here I am trying to fight to breathe.
I immediately took in a lot of air and coughed when she let go of my neck. But that only lasted a moment because she held my hair tightly and hit my head on the hard floor.
"Die! Die!"
I felt my eyes roll due to repeatedly hitting my head on the floor. I screamed loudly and stopped myself from crying, even though my chest hurt because of what my own mother was doing to me.
"I hate you! You demon father! Go to hell together!"
I tried to stop her, but I was too dizzy. I was also weak and unable to defend myself.
Maybe I deserve to die anyway.
"My God, Clarita! Stop it!" I heard Manang Rosi's voice, and then my breathing eased. It looks like she took Mama off me.
"Manang! That girl must die! She must die!" I heard Mama say it while crying.
I felt that Manang Rosi was supporting me to get up. Even though I was weak and had a headache, I forced myself to stand up. I saw my mother looking so pathetic while crying her heart out. She was sitting on the floor and crying.
"I'm sorry, Daphne. I'm late." I heard Manang Rosi say it, and she tried to fix my messy hair. I stopped crying when I felt her sweet caress. "Alright. Go up to your room."
I quickly grabbed my bag and hurried up the stairs. I immediately threw my bag back where it was when I entered the room. I entered the bathroom and locked it before staring at myself in the mirror.
All I can see in the mirror is a girl looking so broken and helpless. Looking so hurt, tired, and sad about her life.
I looked at the cutter that was there by the bathroom in my room. I guess I'll use it again, huh?
I hate my life. So much. If I could change my life, I would have done it. But I know that my personality will also chase me. I am the result of a sin.
I wanted to end my life. No matter how I look at it, I know I shouldn't have lived anymore. Especially when you see your own mother trying to kill you every day.
But I can't do it. I cannot do it. I don't have the courage. Every time I try, I get discouraged and can't go through with my plan. Even though I know Mama will be happier when I'm gone.
I took the cutter and took out the blade then. I put it on my wrist on my left hand. I immediately saw my scars there, which I could hardly count.
I'm not doing this so I can kill myself. I'm doing this so I can feel the pain. I'm doing this so I can see my blood. This is how I know I'm still alive. even though I wanted to give up. But I know that there is a part of me that hopes that my life will change.
I plunged the blade into my wrist and sliced my skin. Deeper, more blood. deeper and more painful. I felt a sense of peace when I saw my blood dripping down the white tiles. I breathed a sigh of relief when I felt the pain.
I didn't mean to, but I just realized that I'm crying. I don't want to cry. I feel my weakness. But I couldn't stop now. Maybe my chest really hurts and feels like it's going to explode. I feel like I'm just a ticking bomb. A bomb is about to explode.
My tears are falling at the same time as the blood is dripping from my pulse. I felt my chest tighten, so I stopped myself from crying. I can take the pain if it's physical. But when I'm emotionally sick, I can't do it. I feel like I'm going crazy. So I transfer emotional pain to physical pain.
Weak, I sat on the floor and leaned my back against the bathroom wall. The bleeding has stopped, but I can feel my weakness. Maybe a lot of blood came out of me, so I became weak. I'm used to it. This is not new to me, so I know that eventually my strength will return.
I laughed weakly at my life. Why do others have a happy life? Why am I sad and full of pain? My own mother has treated me like that since I was a child. I thought I was used to it, but it still really hurts.
I have been asking God for a long time to make me happy. I hope my life will change, but nothing has yet. Either he doesn't listen to me, or it's not true that God exists.
I don't know if I will continue to hope that my life will change. I hope someone can help me. I hope someone can help me get out of my hellish life.
Someone. Someone, please. Help me escape. I cannot take it anymore. Help me.
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