The Billionaire's Wife

PROLOGUE

"Stop."

But I didn't dare to. From the moment I hear his plead for me to stop, I continued further unto my plan. Besides that, my position is rather comfortable and beneficial for my part. I won't trade something so sweet because of a word.

"Elle, NOT TODAY..."

His words made me stare at him for a moment before smirking.

"Elle. Not now..."

I stared back at him before sighing. Now I have to deal with the snappy old Gabe, again. I get off his desk and strut around his chair, earning another groan from him.

"Elle--"

"Okay, Okay. I'm going out now." I stated in a non challant tone but before I completely went out, I gave him a thought to remember.

I lean down on his seat. Grabbing his cheek using both of my hands, I kissed him and pulled his lower lip with my teeth."El-"

"Elleana Cassidy!" Oops, almost full name. Oh, well. I still won't stop, Mr. West.

They thought he was heartless and I thought the very same thing when I married him. It's not like we marry because we really love each other. It was all just a partnership. A partnership which results to a very powerful company, the Greene-West Holdings Inc.

It all happened a year ago.

When my father called me from Paris to get my ass back here in New York right at that very moment, I know something's up. I am worried sick of course, because he won't tell me the reason. I thought it was my mom or something that concerns my past. But as I step down from the cab, I know that the reason why I'm here has nothing to do with my family. Or even me.

It was for the freaking company.

The memory was so vivid that I have to smile every time I reminisce that day. The day that me and my husband met back at his father's office. We both have gone mad when they announce the agreement but opted to do nothing about it. We are born to comply.

The craziest thing is that we even have to marry before the end of August. Not to mention that fact that we had only two weeks to prepare. Not enough time to plan for a very grand celebration. The wedding was simple and closed from media. It happen inside a chapel in Italy with only our relatives and close friends witnessing it. But the privacy is not maintained. Soon, a couple of paparazzi's came at our reception, spoiling our supposed to be first dance.

Of course, a billion worth of marriage is a breaking news! Two rival families joined as one is a century worth history.

It was that kind of clichè.

But the fact that he'd actually move unto his penthouse after the reception had finished was insane. For me at least. Not to mention the week-long honeymoon vacation spent by only me in Miami. Only me, swimming on the beach while he type away on that piece of metal they call 'laptop' somewhere inside his 'cave'.

Yet the assumption of us not going to have a chance on this marriage change the moment we went back to New York.

It was all because of that chocolate cake I gave him for his birthday. If only I knew from the very start that only a chocolate cake was the key to our relationship!

I don't even expect that he will open up to me right after he had his first bite.I guess I'd never get the chance to have his heart if I hadn't force myself to bake that cake.

I was so engrossed on reminiscing about our past when I hadn't realise that I am now sitting on his lap, again. My hands are raking his hair as I moan. "Elleana...oh Dio!" He groaned, crashing his head on my neck as he took a whiff.

I was about to undress him and let him do the DID to me when his phone rang. "MIO DIO!" He spat, pulling his phone from his pocket.

"West, " he answered looking at me as his lips flattened themselves into a line. A slight frown developed on them as he listen on the voice from the other line.

I sighed, getting up from his lap only to sit on his desk. I watch him as he talk on the phone. He was speaking in Italian so fluent that I haven't had the chance to understand a single thing.

I was almost ready to give myself to him completely but, I guess now is not a perfect time. I am surprise when he stood, ending the call as he look down at me, his eyes wild with emotions.

Fear, anger, lost, and guilt.

"What happened, Gabe? Tell me, bello..." I tried to geab his arm but he pulled away, raking his hands on his hair, "It's Papa..." He stated, his voice breaking before he ran out of the door.

"Gabriel, " I ran down the stairs following his steps but his strides are longer than mine, "Gabe!" We were out of the house now, he entered the garage and click a button, unlocking his car.

"Gabe..." He abruptly stopped and stare back at me before he made a move to open the car door. "Gabriel, " I latch myself on him like my life depended on it but as he kissed my forehead and say "Tiamo..."

I know that everything will change.?

"We've done all that we could, but we cannot save him, sir."

"There's too much blood lost."

"We found him on his office, already dead."

"The gun is nowhere in sight."

"The company needs you..."

"You are the appointed heir, you cannot escape this, Gabriel."

"We need to process the documents as fast as possible."

"The company depends on you now, "?

I am almost there.

I've never seen this coming and I never expected this after all that had happened from a couple of months ago. I've never imagine that something like this will change everything I've worked for. That this kind of happening would alter the current "US".

I thought that everything is perfect.

I thought that things are going alright, that he will finally accept me. That we are going to have a chance in this relationship but, I'm wrong. So wrong, I haven't seen this coming.

And now, he's beyond my reach; like a billion miles away. He's so cold, so rude. He doesn't care, nor would he even care. He's now back to being an insensitive jerk like he was a year ago. He had shut himself off not only from the me but to the world, also.

He's back to that heartless facade of a man.

Gone is the one I have fallen the most. Gone is he, to the deepest of the earth. I know that he's not going to come back, but I'm still hoping. I am waiting for him to fight and resurrect; give me his smiles, those smoldering looks and he'll hug me to death. Too much wishful thinking it is, because I know that it's IMPOSSIBLE.

We've had so many fights these days that I thought about giving up. It had been five months now since he changed because of what had happened to his father.

He blame me for it.

He thought that it was my family who plot the murder of his father. I thought it will change when we already found who the killer is but as the days pass be, he choose to forget my presence. He choose to dwell more on his grieve and forget that he has a wife to lean upon.

I'm now extinct in his eyes.

Sometimes, in a mere second, his cold mask is gone and he'll gave me a smile, but as fast as it came, is as fast as it fade. He'll gave me that poker face again and let me suffer into oblivion. I don't understand why he blamed me for it. I didn't do anything wrong for him to suspect me. I really missed him and even though he's so cold to me, I still love him...

I lost track of seconds to hours and days, and nights. Those memories we've had from the past few months faded in the background.

But I want something he doesn't want.

I'm determined to have my way. I would do it one way or another.

(C)S A F I E

CHAPTER 1

ELLE

"So, Elle, Gabe, when are you going to give us something like this cutie?"

Mom carried my niece up on her arms as she give us that look. I can feel Gabriel's arms tensing around my waist as he clear his throat.

We are currently in a party thrown by my mother for our first anniversary. Yes, it's been a year since our wedding; a year since all these started. This is the first party after the incident that has happened, the very first party on which Gabriel had agreed to go with me.

I am startled when my dad suddenly piped in, "We're so old and we still wanted to chase our grand kids, play with them, or see them grow." Dad muses as he snatched the baby from mom, "Oh, you little pumpkin, don't you look a lot like your grandmother?" He laughed making my niece cry.

"Dad, let me take her back to Cassandra. I'm sure little Cassie here wanted to be with her mom now." I smiled at them as I took the baby in my arms before looking back at my husband.

He's frowning down at his shoes like he's trying to solve a very complicated problem, trying to bear some pain. If only he would tell me what to do or how I can help him.

It had been six months ago since that nightmare destroyed everything I've worked for. Ever since then, I find it hard to reach out to him and tell him how much I love him. It was like we have started where we had been a year ago; living like total strangers.

I can almost remember the very first encounter we had before this arranged marriage. That day at their company, The West Holdings, is where our love/hate relationship was born.

* Flashback *

"I don't want to marry her! How can you do this to me, Pa? Of entire New York, you chose her, for me?" There is some pause followed by a bang on the table. "Her family is our enemy. You of all people should know not to pair me up with some spoiled rotten brat! Look at her; she's not even my type..." The door opened as I struggle not to look at the tall man who went out of the room.

"You, " I look at him and tried not to drool. He's Adonis in real life, not to mention that ocean blue eyes luring me. "Hey! Are you even listening?" I am surprised when he grips my shoulders, making me quiver under his gaze.

Oh, this man! He should be thankful that he looks so beautiful or else....

"Hey! I'm talking to you..." I turned my gaze back on those ocean orbs trying so hard not to melt.

"You--"

"No. You!" He pointed back at me with his finger as his frown deepened, "Are you happy now that our parents agreed to marry us both, huh? You're now fucking ecstatic because you've been dreaming about all this shit!"

I didn't answer but as he leaned down on my shivering form, I can almost hear my conscious mind screaming..."Danger"

*end of flashback*

"Gabe, are you okay?" I tried to grab his hand but he shoves it inside his pocket. He looks down at me and to little Cassie before giving me half a smile. "I'm fine, Elle. Maybe, I just need a drink or two." He held out his two fingers, biting his lip as he look at me.

Oh, no. You don't. I know that it won't be just two. You will get drunk again and cry of your father's death. Plus, you are driving me back to--

"Okay, " Oh my freaking shoe...where did that came from?!

"Elle, give me back my Casi-Casi" I glared at my cousin and frown when I saw that my husband was long gone.

That jerk, he just doesn't care! He never--

"Elle, Come on, let's have some fun, it's your anniversary! I mean... birthday?" the blonde imp hiccups and smiled. "Either" Frances mused, dragging me to the dance floor as he wiggle his bum like a madman.

This family, I always doubted how I could even be related to them...and why do they always cut my thoughts off?

I removed my heels and stared at my cousin, "What now?" They didn't give me the chance to stand my ground and protest when someone shoves me left and right on the dance floor. "Frances! You're making me dizzy, just put me ba--AAhhh!!!"

I struggled with my wet dress as I look at the crazy cousin of my husband. He freaking pushed me off to the table holding the glasses full of juice!

"Haha-Elle. Uh, I'm so sorry but, uh, " He gave me a constipated look before bursting out, laughing. "You just, hahaha--Look like a cat thrown out the rain, soaked like a wet pussy--Hahaha!!" He throws his head back before strutting back to the dance floor, leaving me with the mess he made.

"Damn it, Frances! Help me out..." I stared at Cassandra as she pulled me up, giving me a disapproving look. She ushered me up on the front door, calling for Taylor–our personal driver, guard, assistant?

I really don't know...

I followed her out of the hotel and to the parking lot. Taylor opened the door for me but before I enter, Cassandra screamed. "Clean yourself from foot to head or else I'm going to give you a bath the same one I always give to little Cassie! You smell like a mini bar, Elle, seriously." She pushed me inside and close the door behind her as I struggled further inside the car with my wet gown and heels.

I wonder why ladies needed balloon skirt and high heels. It's freaking stupid and who made this damn heels? It makes my life harder though it gave me a little addition to my height but who damn care, anyways? They make me slow, which is not so cool with me.

I was surprised when the engine stopped and Taylor opened the door for me. "Mrs. West, let me assist you, " He started to carry my gown which made me stand in haste. "No, Taylor. I can do this myself..." I can feel the heat rushing up my cheeks as I walked pass him.

I was about to open the doors when I came into a thought, "Taylor?" He looks back on me as I gave him a smile, "Mrs. West?"

"Oh, please...stop calling me that, just call me Elle." I gave him another smile as he bowed, ushering me inside the mansion. I went up through the flight of the stairs, grumbling with every step I take. I am delighted to reach our room at the end of the hallway. I made my way inside the bathroom and take off every item on my body.

Hmmp....like I care!?

'Elle, '

Wait?

'Elleeee...'

Who's that?

'El-'

"Who's that?!" I jump out of the shower and wrap myself up into a fluffy towel.

'Elleeee!'

Freaking unicorn poop, why is he here?

"Wait up, I'm in the bathroom!" I opened up the door only to see no one.

"Gabe? Stop kidding me!"

'ELLEANA!' oh, I hate that name. I sound like a fucking alien.

I look around but he's not in here so WHERE IS HE?!

"Gabe, stop kidding me! Show yourself right at this moment or--"

'Help me up!' I can hear shuffling from the other side of the room which means he's on the outside.

Oh, I'm a genius! Right..

"Coming, Mister." I turned the knob only to feel his body slump back unto my knees making me stumble with him on the floor

"Gabriel, you're so heavy!" I whinned, trying to pull my husband up, but failed."Gabe, wake up...please?" I look at him but he just gave me a lazy smile and kiss me.

WTF! HE DIDN'T JUST KISS MY LIPS...oh well!

"Gabriel, stop!" he gave me a laugh before deepening his kiss and carrying me, "Gabe--"

He throw me down on the bed as I gripped the towel around me, "Gabe, I think, I think you're not ready. We're not ready and you're drunk. You don't know what you're doing, you just--"

"NO! I know what I'm doing and you don't have the right to correct me!" He yanked the towel off and stared at me, "I want you and I'll have you, now or never..."

JQuery21404263799122820797_1560003526781??????????????????????

>>>r-scene down here<<<

(skip it if you're below 18)

I can see his tense muscles beneath his dress shirt as he lower himself down at me. He unbutton his pants and slip them down to reveal himself

Camping in those boxers; his very excited mate trying to poke out of it.

"Gabe, please. You are drunk, we can't--"

"Stop it!" he pulled my hand up and place them above my head as he straddled me. His hands skimming through my chest as he brushed my hair aside, "Don't push me farther away, Elle. I've had enough."

"But we can't-"

"I need you. I NEED YOU GIRL..."

That made me gulp. Damn, he is turning me on with his words. So hot!

He interrupted my thoughts as he leaned down, making me speechless as my thoughts run wild in my cranium. I am unable to comprehend. What I should do?

I am surprised when my body suddenly response in such an intensity I didn't know I'm capable of doing. I am now relying on my instinct.

I was kissing him back with so much passion that I found myself leaning up. I want to kiss him with all the want I have been bottling up for the five whole months that he showed no affection to me. He shut himself away because of the incident on which I'm not responsible. All the feelings we tried to suppress for the past months came rushing back with a hard recoil. It was making us shake with the passion of our feelings. Our fingers traced each flesh, wandering unto every part of our body.

He skimmed his hands on my face, pushing tendrils of hair on the side as he reached my neck. He leans in to imprint a love bite. "Beautiful. My beautiful girl. All mine..."

I cannot help but moaned, my hands struggling to break free as he sucked and bit on my neck. He slip his mouth down on my chest as he took one of my nipples, nibbling at it.

"Gabe, " I mentally shook my head as I heard my own voice. So, demanding. Pathetic, even. I cannot just moan here and let him do it all.

I need to move.

I yanked my hand off his grip and unbuttoned his shirt, trying to memorize every countour of his sculpted chest as I slipped my hand down his biceps, pushing down his white dress shirt as I reached his hips, slipping my hands lower and lower...

"Gabe!" I tried not to shake as he slipped his finger in my core turning them into circular motion. "Don't--" I plead but my husband just look at me. His eyes twinkling with amusement as he pushed another finger.

So, he want it. Then let us just make things, just.

With that thought, I slipped my hand in his boxers and pushed it down. His body stiffened as he look at me with eyes wide as saucers, "Mio Dio! What are you trying to prove, amóre?" he asked, his voice stopping in an edge as he used the same endearment that almost made me stop.

"Shit, Elle..." He moaned in my ears as I pulled at it and stroke, his member hardening at every move. After a while he recovered, pushing his fingers to move farther in my core. He circled them in my folds as both of us scream each name.

I've never expected this to happen cause I never would have imagine to do this with him.

Especially him.

I am brought back to the situation I'm at as I felt his member enter me which made me stiff. I whimpered as it penetrated deeper making me cry out in pain and he stopped, "You're a virgin!?" He frowned, trying to pull his member out of me. "God, I'm so-I'm so sorry I--"

"Shhh...No, I'm not." Lie. "I'm.. adjusting. I need you, Gabe. Please, don't stop...just do it, now." I pulled him back and started to kiss him but then I was surprise when he stared at me, his eyes looking deep inside my soul. I gave him the same intense stare making his desire ignite once again as he pounded on me. Faster and harder this time, our bodies tangled and sweating. Our breathing labored as I tried to remove my hands from his grip and entangle them in his hair. I dig my nails on his back as I arched my hips to met his. His hips buckling on me as he move in a haste, pounding my body as the bed shook.

I gripped his hair with my hand, pushing myself up as I tried to keep up with his speed. I can feel such heat building up inside my stomach and then it happened; his hips buckling as he had his release. I can feel his seed flowing down inside of me, giving a warm feeling on my lower stomach as we grabbed each other. We are trying to catch our breath as we glistened with sweat; dazed with passion.

I was surprise when he suddenly turned me, throwing me down as he lay me on my stomach, entering me from behind. "Now, I'll fuck you..."

We've done it for three times, his breath hitching on every trust. I am surprised when he suddenly collapsed on me after his third release, knocked out cold and asleep. I caressed his face as I whisper, "I love you, Gabe. Why can't you see that?"

?S A F I E

Chapter 2

ELLE

I woke up in haste.

I could feel the cold wind hit my back as I stretch out. Feeling sore and tired as I moved unto the side, I groan as the sun burned my eyelids. I'm closed to sleeping again only to hear the devil speak, "You're awake now..."

I opened my eyes and came into realisation that the man I've slept with last night was again possessed by the devil. The happening from last night made me blush both in embarrassment and anger.

Why does he need to be so cold and heartless now when all things are great?

Without looking at him, I muttered a small, "Yes, I am."

I waited for another minute for him to just go and let me sleep but when I took a peek, I still saw him there. He was sitting on the couch watching me like I was some dirt on his carpet.

"Why are you still in here?"

"I waited for you to wake up, " he snapped, his gaze still lingering on my face.

Oh, how sweet, Not!

"And--?" I urge for him to continue, pulling the comforter high up on my chin as I stare at him. "I waited so that I can apologize about what happen last night." He confessed.

"Oh? That's all you're going to say?" I bit my lip and nodded before saying, "It's oka-"

"No! Don't say that, " He sighed, brushing his hands on his hair. "I want to clarify to you the fact that you shouldn't assume on things that can happen after this. I don't want to make you long for my love. Elle, I can be a husband to you–I can protect you and provide for you–but I cannot love you the same as you do to me. Please, listen..." I am startled when he snapped his fingers at me, pulling my chin to make me look at him. "I'm so sorry if I took advantage of you last night and I promise that it won't happen again." With those words he stood, leaving me shock and cold as he leaned down to kiss my cheek. "I need to be back at the office in ten. I'll see you tonight..."

With that he left, shutting the door behind him. The tears I've been trying to suppress from the last ten minutes he was there in front of me betrayed me. I let the tears fall and sobbed my heart out.

I thought we were perfect last night. That we finally have a chance but he shut himself off again, transforming back to that monster I have feared. It hurts me that he keep on treating me like this--That he doesn't care about me or what I do. I hate the fact that he treat me like a trash after he's done with me.

How could I be so stupid that I give it all to him? And look at how he treat me after he got what he wanted...

I'm used.

I know full well that we married because of the company. It was for the sake of partnership between long time rivalries, and not because of love but then...we fell.

Or so I thought. Was it just me that have fallen to that cheeky bastard?

AM I WRONG? Am I wrong to fall for his tricks and to yearn for him too?

I thought he finally accepted me. That he can already love me back but the last five months seems like it's only from a distant dream. I hated that all the efforts are gone because he chose to lock himself away again after his father died. If only I could, I will bring back the memories like the way we were together only about a few months ago. Living in simplicity and happiness as we culture the love that is developing between us.

But now it seems impossible. He's back to that monster I have married...

I grab the sheets and cringe when I saw blood on them. My virginity, I gave it to him and even lied to him because I am an idiot, an idiot who is in love with a man that has so many issues. I yank it off, only to change it with a new one.

It's my fault. I am the most stupid idiot, ever.

Though I don't care now if he's going to be like this forever. I'm pretty sure the divorce papers are on its way, that he's only waiting for the right time for me to gave in and let him be. To surrender, yet I still wait for him, to go back and be with me...

And I won't be the one that is going to wave the white flag, because I know that in the end, it will be him.

Oh, before I forget, "Happy Birthday to me."

?

"El, "

"Elle.."

"ELLEANA!" I sat up on the tub only to cover myself with my hands.

"W-why are you in here?!" I stared at his blue eyes as he frowned down, though it didn't hide the amusement in them.

He straightened himself before he remove his tie. Looking down at me, he said "Frances gave me a chocolate cake and he told me that you want that flavor, so--"

"What?" I asked, not sure if he is serious. He gave me a look before opening his mouth to continue, "Do you like it?" He stared at me with his hooded blue eyes looking me up and down. His eyes lingered on the level of my chest, half buried on the water and my hair.

I cleared my throat before reaching out for the towel, "Of course! I love it like, like really..."

I kicked him out of the bathroom, resting my back on the door and shaking my head. He just saw me naked again and I hated that I feel different emotions seeing his very happy friend straining against his jeans.

I headed inside our closet and rummage for my clothes. I am quite ashamed of how I acted and the cake, I thought he bought it for me. I guess he already forgotten that it's my birthday.

Oh, this guy.

I grab a tee and boxers on my side of the closet before putting them on. Well, this is what I call sleeping outfit. I'm not a fan of lacy lingerie or night gowns.

I slipped in my favorite bunny slippers and headed down only to see my husband preparing dinner.

Ooooh, that's new.

I've never, like ever, saw a man in black suit preparing dinner; like a really hot guy preparing dinner. Did I just say that my husband is hot?

Well I think I did, but I'm not going to say that again. Not ever. And he won't hear it too, I won't give him a chance!

I sat down on my seat and was surprised when a hand slipped on my shoulder only to put a plate on my line of vision, "Chocolate..." I just nodded as I watch him walk to his seat and look at me.

"El, I have something to tell you..." Oh great, here it is, the mighty announcement.

Elle, we're going to have a divorce....Wtf. What the fu*k or Well that's fantastic?

I stared at him as he focused his eyes on his own slice of chocolate cake "It's about our divorce, right?" I murmurred making him stare at me before nodding his head. "Okay. You'll say that you don't want to be with me now, are you?" He had his head down, determine of not answering me.

"You are tired to try. You are exhausted, annoyed and irritated to see this stupid moron face as you clearly stated it, am I right?" I pointed at my face as he continue to stare down on his plate, playing with his cake. "Well, when do we sign it?" I bit my lips to stop myself from whimpering.

Can't he see that I'm hurt? He's so insensitive, isn't he?

"My lawyer told me that our wedding only last for two years and it depends to us now if we wanted for it to extend. Are you willing to extend?" I grabbed a spoonful of the chocolate cake and let him talk.

Whatever, I know you don't want me.

"So, what are you going to say about it? Do you want to?" He asked again after a few heartbeats. I wanted to explode right there in front of him and tell him of what I feel. Though I know that he will just tease me because I am too weak. Too weak to fell in love with a guy like him.

I grabbed another spoonful and shove it in my mouth. It did not stop him to pester me for answers and as I swallowed the remains down, I look at him and replied "Let it be."

I got out of my seat and wash my own dish, still not caring that he was following me around the kitchen.

I mean, why would he act like this when a few hours ago he can't even look me in the eye. He was telling me that he can't love me the same way I did to him. So why now?

"Elle, I know you want for us to work and I'd be happy to-- " I tune his voice off and focus on the task at hand. After awhile he rerurn to his seat, I can hear him talking on the phone but I couldn't careless. "Elle you can't get away from this forever." He told me before resuming the call with his client.

I passed by him and after a moment, I could hear his foot steps littering behind me as I went inside my room.

"Gabe..."

I warned him as I turned around yet I'm surprise to see no one. Geez, could it be possible that I'm hallucinating about all these?

I sighed once again before I enter my room, dropping myself down on my bed. Yes, it's my bed because he never sleeps here, except last night. He never really sleep here in this house in the first place for he have a freaking penthouse on his building. And I never had the chance to see it, or would I ever have the chance to because I only have a year left. Or less?

Great.

I wonder if my parents know about this or- "El, move your ass off my side."

Oooh, the pillow talks!

I turned to my left only to see the man in suit now dress with white tee's like, Mine? "Who told you that you can borrow my shirt?!" I pinched his sides only to earn a groan instead of an answer.

"Well, this is mine, okay?" He pointed down on my shirt and said, "This is my home, my room, my bed, my shirt, Mine!" he frowned down at me and turn to his side, "I'll sleep now..."

"No, you shouldn't! You promise you won't sleep with me and this is my room, Gabe. My bed and that, " I pulled the tee from his back and tried to remove it.

Keyword 'TRIED'

"That---is--my--SHIRT!"

He turned back before flipping us and trapping me below. He gave me one of those devilish smirk that made my heart flutter before he flicked his tongue, giving me a kiss.

Wtf! This freakin' arse kissed me again!

"This is my room, amore. My shirt, see?" He pulled it out of his body and show the tag that says, GABE

"But, but--" He pulled the shirt out of my head before showing me the same tag, giving me a smirk as he gaze down my chest.

Oh my, oh my my...

I covered my exposed feminity as he chuckled, throwing me his shirt as I scrambled to put it on me as fast as possible. I can feel myself heating up as I tried to cover myself from him.

I can't believe that he saw me naked for the third time.

I pulled the blanket over me as I replayed everything.

God, one minute he talks about our divorce then the next thing I know is I'm lying down below him, naked. I snuggled close to my pillow and close my eyes tightly.

Goodness, this is so embarrassing, but I can't forget it...can I?