The Barrier On The Eye

Even today I still close my eyes and the darkness will hover my Iris like the veil of the hat's widow. The moment my eyelids shut's, I'll find myself sinking into depression and start to panic. Clenching my fists like I'm about to jump off a cliff.

I was starting to believe I have phobia to close my eyes or It's was the fear of being chased by the memories of the past. Just when I'll be standing still, the traffic sounds will begin to buzz so loud In my ears and people's voices will follow from the past that I know of.

"Please! Detective, please explain this to my son, my husband called just five minutes ago. We we're about to go to a trip, we...."

"Ma'am"

"His only four Detective, only four years old. Please say something to my son"

"I'm sorry"

"No!! no, no please say something to my son. Please tell him it's a mistake!"

My mother's voice will haunt me with agony, breathing so cold next to my ear as she clutched me tight. The scene will feel so current even my body will feel right there present. The glass will drop down and break on the floor the moment they're open again, utterly shaken to even make speech.

Here is my story....

I grew up as a cheerful boy that had a mother that I was raised by. You can say Pen cakes, drawing walls and a soccer ball has always been every boy's perfect diary. And in my childhood years I dont remember not having It all.

Pretty much, I would be frank that I also played under the trees of spring, dodging water guns with my sisters and brothers but please do not question yet, where is that now.

Because the answer will be 'Six feet under' buried from all second chances and up until now those memories are a vanity of a one's flash backs because not even one of us, bare to travel back to the past even if it cost us not to see the pictures of our loved ones. (Sneers) Tell me how can you? face the faces of five deceased people? Who meant the world to you?

Questions began, but thoughts were too young by that time. I remember it happened around December in 2000, before I was in my first grade at school. You can say I'm gifted with a vivid memory.

It was 8 am in Stellenbosch, I was so sure since I heard that time response from my father, right after we packed the bags to the Van's boot. It's been pouring ever since last night and the window is wet from the rain drops but slowly becoming dry, once In a while I'll check. All I could hear Is the wheels steaming on the road, sounding like the bathroom showers as the tyre's hit over the waters that we're a dam after the rain.

I don't think we're too fast but the car was definitely moving a little off speed. That's when I heard Mom's request. "Petterson, slow down please" So briefly at the passenger seat.

There was I, busy smashing a Batman's toy in front of my chest with the ball at my left hand wrestling with each other. I've even gave the ball a character, naming her 'Pluto' it's a tiny woman I crafted with matches sticks attached to the very small ball. Making her a sissy with a wobbly fat head. I know right, I was a very creative little boy back then.

"You're bad wife, give me back my money!"

I muttered bossy. Grooming my voice to thunder like an old man but instead It made me sound like a headless chicken. Gasping It's last breath on the ground as always. The chuckles cracked on top of the roof car, from my siblings. Paige, Zoe and Christopher. It look's like they've been paying attention.

"Sorry buddy you ain't there yet" Zoe giggled even louder at her seat to my left.

"Where do you get these storylines anyways?" Paige Mockingly questioned.

"He watches too much Toy story this one" Christopher added funny. I took a quick glance at him behind me with my peach tiny lips curling and then I sat straight back playing.

Until Bank accounts conversation poped up between mom and dad while we're on that. Made me predict they were talking about the budget. Which I hoped it included a couple of things I was expecting from them. Purchasing my most wanted Dragon toys, Simba chips and Woody from the Toy story. I was watching alot of his movie series those days and Christopher wasn't lying. Though it was irritating to hear him accuse me of watching worn out trailers.

I mean, just because I played repeats every weekend, who'd say Woody the greatest cowboy can be worn out? Is that even possible? I took a gaze at him behind me since I was sat on his lap in the backseat. Rolling my eyes after he has tapped my Batman with his skinny tall fingers. He was sixteen and so I've heard sixteen year old's have temper issues. But never did I thought that of him. He was rather an elder brother who was always hard to read during the mornings. Distant and very quiet across the table with everyone else but except me.

He wouldn't miss to make funny faces at me on top of his cereal bowl, everytime his eating breakfast and the jokes worked like a charm at my chair. But on the evenings? oh he'll be fixated on his phone like his life depended on it. Perhaps a girlfriend making him behave that way? I heard girlfriends and boyfriends make you do unusual things. Well, I really thought he was the coolest brother anyways. I'm still playing along while thinking all of this, you can say I was a restless thinker as a child. And Christopher keeps tapping my Batman's head and my tolerance was running out.

"Stop it! Mom, Chris is breaking my toy!" I loudly exclaimed at the back.

Christopher quickly block's my nose, one of his favourite things he liked playing with me and I chuckled feeling the squeeze of his masculine arms, wrapping around me like you'd hug someone "Thomas Shush! I'm talking with your father here, Jesus Christ"

We are both now laughing, still irritating each other's space. That's when I heard Mom exclaimed, she has forgotten her purse at home. Shortly I watched the van pulled over on the grass beside the road. Dad insisting on turning back so she can go and fetch It. Everyone remained startled at the backseat as her voice firmed:

"Cooper, it's only few streets away. I'm not going to melt, just by catching few drops of rain for Godsake"

"I bet you haven't notice the weather outside"

"But the wea...."

"No" Dad firmly declared.

"That's It I cannot stand this authority" Mom immediately moved away from passenger seat. "Rosey! wait, God forbid are you seriously walking out on this?

Her door soon shuts and dad immediately followed her stepping out of the vehicle. I slowed down playing and so as my siblings heads also followed dad as we watched him chased through. Because we knew mom too well we knew this scenario was not going to turn good. Mom has always been hard-headed and sensitive most of the times. So we knew It was going to be flames of scenes. But their gazes ended too brief then mine, continuing to be glued on their phones. Others just minding their own businesses. Though I was only worried If mom would get away. She can't leave me here.

We then witnessed them argue a little on the rain. We all now closely watching them again.

"The tickets have been paid! The cab needs to lessen the overload. Has been paid, can't you see..."

"What overload are you talking about? The kids are fine I don't see anything wrong with It. Or you mean that couple of luggage we layed at the car seat?" Dad declared, with the absence of his facial access since he had turned away.

"Are you for real right now? are you seriously declaring all this? Tom doesn't have a seat belt but his only four! four! Petterson. what will happen If the police checks the car, huh? What will happen If.....God, I don't even want to Imagine this"

"Now you taking this out of proportion"

"Cooper? When did you become like this? since when are you so ignorant about kid's safety? On top of that you want to follow me around Instead of heading to the airport or what? are you friend's with flight attendants? We gonna miss our flight! "

Her voice even passed the car windows straight Into our backseat. Though her tone sounded so afar and quite drawing from my take In. Like someone who'd place their mouth Inside an empty glass and started speaking. That's exactly how she sounded like and the argument was really moving to where I was seated.

I heard one of my siblings sigh's, probably thinking we'll be on standby longer then we intercepted. I knew each of their sighs meaning and I was very certain this one came from Zoe. The others all had different meanings as well. Right after I thought this. I heard her say.

"Are they ever gonna finish?"

Another sighs expelled from Christopher's voiceless speech. Seating back to pull out his cellphone and began drifting away with his texting addiction. But as we all silenced waiting for them, I knew Christopher's sighs only meant one thing. His probably getting irritated by Zoe's response just cause he always thinks the worst whenever Mom and dad argue's and that is one thing: divorce.

"You know Zoe. If you can just learn to hold onto your thoughts maybe someday just maybe...."

"Oh Wow! what did I say now?" Zoe turned provoked looking up to her right shoulder, gazing at Christopher.

"Geez! mom and dad is arguing and all you can think about is going faster?"

"Hallelujah! and what is so wrong with going faster? even mom is admitting that. Didn't you hear? and besides mom and dad sometimes fight's and It does not mean they're about to forget their vows and divorce. It's normal, chill"

"O-kay! back up now, I think we're done here. This is definitely not getting cool now"

Clock voiced with his cocky deep voice. Hissing loud out of the blew in the car, at his front seat ahead of us In the middle of the Van. We are all packed in a BMW navy Van that was not too old but an attention stealer in large wheels.

Arranged with seven car seats; two seats at the front, two seats In the middle and three at the back. Clock has even turned over, removing the earplugs from his ears folding his white wired sets. Looking like he was more than keen to intervine and break the sour tension. Now that was my first eldest brother of them all, not that I have forgotten. Oh well you'd almost forget If you have a quiet sibling like Clock William Cooper.

A very quiet classic that one. He hardly utter's eight sentences in one day, even Christopher was way better than him. He'd probably even hate me for comparing him with Time. Yes, the nickname that they gave him was 'Time' resembling Clock. You'd think he was told he'd die If he had a proper long conversation with anyone.

Though there was just one thing I found a mystery about him. Is that whenever he opened his mouth, the whole family will drool over him and agree. A big ogre of peace, a walking machine with large hands and biceps. He he! I once wanted to look like him. His one punch literally torn uncle Jacob and left him Into shambles with his knees dancing In tunes. He was very drunk the other day and insulted dad. Unfortunately Clock never wasted time.

"Remember when Zoe used to hide at the dog's house at Charle's? whenever we played hide and seek?" Clock raised the question. While his earphones delicately stayed wrapped in his fingers, gawking at our seats. "Come on man, let's drop it. This is not going to work, not this time broh" Christopher declared.

"Who would defend her everytime she gets caught?"

"Oh yeah, I remember that one at the Slaughterhouse" Paige mimicked with her cheeks immediately stretching wide apart and her brunette ponytail keeps swinging with her every turn.

"And the way he sang it was like a goat drowning at the borehole" Paige and Clock suddenly dropped a bomb of a sharpening laughter. Cracking It's way out from their shaking lungs. As small as I was without comprehending much but the goat part really hit me as well and my lungs just danced from the laughter with them. I even dropped the toy in my hand imagining Christopher's singing out of tune. It must have been the most horrible day of their lives.

"Now that is so not true. Chris never sang!"

"They're lying I never sang at the slaughterhouse. When, when did that happened?"

"Again they are lying! you guys like ganging up on useless staff. If I remember alright It's you! that sang not him" Zoe even brew so forth in her seat, sharply pointing at Clock with her burning index finger.

"Now who's defending Chris?" Clock asked. Gazing at both of them after our giggles has finally dusted. Now Zoe and Chris are reacting sort of embarrassed after receiving Clock's question. Both of them seems to be resorting to their shells on top of their heads. Until one of them finally came through to speak up.

"Oh well...Sorry" Zoe muttered. And Christopher followed,

"Sorry"

"Aw! are my babies making up?" Mom poped the question peeping at the slightly opened window with dad. Only to unexpectedly find that all along they've been on standby eavesdropping to my siblings Pep talk. Another new laughter leaped from all of my siblings.

"Bravo! you finally done. Have the same argument again in front of us and Chris will bite my head off" Zoe murmured. Small giggles started arising again.

"His still has phobia that you might divorce" Paige mocked.

"Shut up!" Chris covered her mouth. "A divorce? Petterson please come and hear this with me"

"That's sure Chris" Dad uttered after hanging on with his big fingers at the window glass. And his beady eyes popped out, scanning each of us to find Chris behind that small gap. "Hey buddy" I got surprised catching his eyes located at my seat after thinking he was talking to Chris.

"How's it like to seat at your old brother's lap? is he comfortable Chris?"

"Yeah but the problem is the size of his head" Everyone laughed in the car right after Chris uttered that and there was I, lifting my chin up to gaze at him with a hideous face to know let him know I heard that. And when I touched my head thinking about his words and the laughter from the car blurted even louder, all of them staring at me.

"Don't worry Tom his just jealous that you too cute to be true" Zoe grabbed my shoulders and squeezed me too tight while she kissed my forhead, burrying her mouth and nose right at the curtain of my hanging blonde. We then saw dad talking with mom briefly before he speeded back inside the car but I noticed mom walking distantly from the car. Immediately, I reached out to the window and hit the glass so loud so she can turn. Paige yelled, pushing my knees that were pricking her thighs.

"Ouch, Tom, get off! mamma's boy" Oh yes, I was the biggest mamma's boy in the house and perhaps the only one. They can joke about anything with me but they absolutely couldn't joke about mom not coming back home from work. Mom was my obvious favourite among the family member. Even dad envied how much I'd stick with her throughout the entire day. Moving around with her whenever she cooked, cleaned or watched her type whatever she was typing from work. Most of the times I couldn't recall what kind of work she does with dad but I do remember mom telling me about it and strangely I'd immediately forget.

"Mom what are you doing?" I'd ask. She'll first sigh and respond, "Typing Thomas" I'll watch her fingers speed off like a lightening. Tapping the black keyboard with her pink polished nails, you can see she spends dollars buying products just to keep them clean.

"Why?" I'd ask again.

"Oh my God Tom I tell you EVERYDAY. I'm an aditor-in- Chief, mom and dad runs the largest company in Johannesburg and so I'm responsible for whatever happens"

"The Chief you said, So it means you get to seat on your throne at work like a King? and commend everybody else to do things for you? Even dad?"

Mom immediately covered her face, leaning over her swinging chair and blurted out loud with giggles, resonating her precious feminine voice.

"Oh my goodness....I cannot, I cannot take this. Thomas you need to stop now. Pitt needs to hear this, you know you only four right? Who made you so smart?"

And that happened very recently but now we we're here. That's me rapidly unlocking the car and ran after her. Could not stay away, I always ran after her. She first refused to give back what belonged to both of us, cornered by what called clinginess. Trying to make me get used to it, I should be restricted, occasionally when she's gone.

No Tom, get back in the car, will meet at the airport. Now run back to daddy"

I fret my needy face pouting my lips so my eyes can look as helpless as I was. Mother stalled with a straight face gazing at me. I could almost mimic. She was getting a dark color in her face. Until a smile rose from her cheeks, and it showed her hand. I smiled and ran to grip the palm of her hand with mine that was only the size of her delicate fingers. The hoots noised from our behind, Instantly I looked back at our father's van and saw him peaking at the passenger's seat so that I can at least see his face.

"Take care of mommy, okay?" I slightly lifted my cheeks, looking at him as he looked back.

"Honey, are you mad at me?!" Mom hilariously turned with an attitude. "Ask me again when I come back, and your hand is holding a credit card. How about that as an apology?!" She murmured.

"Come on, Honey! Munchie, I love you!" He yelled.

I could hear giggles in the car, and so I waved at him as my fingers clutched tighter onto her hand felt ready to go finally. We then left the vehicle distantly walking, once more she looked back and almost stopped footing, pointing at the car:

"Fasten your seat belt, Pitt!" She said while we walked.

When we arrived home, she was so in such a rush to find her purse. I am standing between the door of my parent's room, wondering why it is so important to her; the only answer I came up with was the importance of money. We won't get sandwiches at the garage or sweets, also the need of my new shoes so I can duck on the dam loopholes when Paige chased me, it was springtime, so I asked myself why not? Staring at the passage, and I am imagining.

"Don't just stand there, Tom, help me out!"

She said. At the same time, my hands were put in my navy tracksuit, with the imagination that had just died in seconds. Nothing found, nothing called out fate. I began asking myself if she even had it inside the room. We are both hassled with the little that we touched.

Whole drawers ripped out, bed shifted, and curtains folded if there is any glitch we could see. It did not take several minutes before my mother's phone rang, and she answered it.

I did not hear much; my attention was taken by the search of my mother's purse. Between the conversation, I picked up a drop of her voice and spoke words of not finding her wallet and summoned they can go ahead without us. I assumed she was talking with my father over the phone. I even wondered how far they are by now. Surely, they expected to meet us at the airport. Those words flew by as well.

An hour later, I ended up checking her coat hanging outside the wardrobe that we were watching it for so long. I could not even bother until my hunch sent me to it. Slowly my little hands tucked into that gigantic pocket because I was shorter, I had to use my toes to reach the depths in them. A solid object met the tips of my fingers. My hands are prying deeper. I am busy clutching as it slips and falls back.

"Mom!" I called out. "I think it is here. I think it is here!" She dropped the pillow that she had torn, her whole arm inside it while feathers flew on top of the bed and the floor. I could not even have a chance to ask myself why in the world did her behavior take her there.

Her kisses blessed my two cheeks. I was proud to help her, while she smiled like someone who had won a lottery ticket with a maroon Prada filled in her dirty hands. Juggle of keys came out of her pockets; she instantaneously locked the door while I was waiting for her.

"If it wasn't for you, I don't know where we would be right now." Mom mimicked.

"No dear, don't mention it. I'm only glad we ran into each other. It has been ages I haven't seen your adorable family." Aunty Rachel declared.

My head is leaning on a brown leather seat. We just had a lift on our way back to our neighborhood. A red polo by a friendly middle-aged Indian woman who is a friend of my mother's. The sunlight strongly blazed on the window glass. It upset my iris, instinctively I watched the car stir short left and hit the freeway.

I leaned on my mother's arm playing with the keys in my mother's hands, my mind's getting restless, but subconsciously I'm bored, though as long as I'm with her, the world is a better place. Loud hoots suddenly sounded on the road, I looked up and witnessed the cars so teeming ahead of us. Police invading on the N2 freeway with yellows straps, that was written in black words; I barely could see what was happening before them. Only sighted this gigantic truck among the cars, which looked as if it had lost control somewhere. Something might have happened there; a car accident might have occurred there. Mom summoned the lady to pull over only a few meters away. She unfastened the seat belt and seemed curious and puzzled, thus to see.

"Oh lord, what has happened here? December holidays always pass with tragedy." The lady said. She unlocked the door, ought to walk out. "Stay in the car; don't move." She said.

"I mean it, Thomas, stay." She went out of the car I kneeled on the seat to see out of the car window. Curiosity brought an urge within me to see the same as her, and so I opened the door, and the lady yelled my name. I pushed the door back and ran after her as always. It so unsafe the hoots bloviated chaos. She is fast walking on her black heels.

I am chasing up on her footsteps. "Mom!" I called out inside my head. My fists have tightened up I am running trying to get myself into the picture. She never even realized I was chasing after her. Until I ran and I saw her feet slowed down, I am so young, and I am getting excited thinking favors are on my side.

That when I noticed her left knee bent, her heels cramped, I am confused about what state she was bound to be in. And the navy van that had been run over by the truck still had wheels slowly spinning. My foot slipped on the wet road, and I fell on my stomach, that is when she turned and realized I was there all along, and watched my stomach taking such a fall. My mind stopped, and I am still glaring, confused seeing something so big seemed squashed into something so small, shattered into nothing. Tears glimpsed; the same eyes covered in watery.

I lied there wondering why the car looked so familiar. The police officer grips my arm on the ground gently: "Jesus, what are you doing here? And where are your parents? This is a crime scene.

A child is not permitted to be here." She said while I glared at my mother's image, everything around me started to blur and when her feet crumbled again, and her body got tired for one second. I thought she stopped breathing, I thought she's going to faint and that's when I knew, that's when I knew it was my father's. My arm riddled the police officer's hand. I disappeared in front of her like she was never there. I'm running straight into the car; my feet are not counting.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Mom grabbed me before I could even get nearer, her hands wrapped so tight while she wept in my ears, begging me to stop running. I pinched her skin, clapped her hands so I can get away from her. Instead, her hands pressed to mine, clutched them both and wept so much and I realized I'd hurt my mother, Her hands bled a little from those scratches, and my tears are dripping, I'm not caring about anything else in the world except wanting to get into that van and help out my dad. But do you know what was funnier, is that I knew deep down nobody could live in that wrecked steel that has shrieked into nothing, it is just that, the reality is never easy to accept.