Telling

​Isn't it weird how love starts? By simply seeing someone desirable you become weakened in the knees thirsting to know him. Just to see him begins to bring you joy and stomach aches all at the same time. Then you finally decide it's time for an introduction and make up an excuse to talk to him like "Excuse me do you know where the nearest Library is" of course you're not going to ask a stupid question, you want him to have the illusion that you are interesting.

Soon the conversation unfolds of the beauty of reading and passion for learning new things and then you throw in the occasional joke to insure him that you're not always serious. You try to make sure he knows your interested but you know that you cannot ask him out so you wait patiently during the conversation.

Before long a dinner invitation is extended to you with your choice of location. Dinner leads to a second date at a more secluded location and before long a encounter has become a romance and romance turns into passion and passion into a relationship and before long the relationship is deemed love. And that's the beginning.

​I still remember the morning that I woke up thinking today is going to be a good day and I lean over to get a warm embrace to find only his keys to our Condo and a napkin with the words "I'm sorry" written in pencil. What does "I'm Sorry", really mean? See I thought sorry means I wish I would have never done that or I won't ever do it again or my favorite one, I never meant to hurt you. That is what I'm sorry means, you can't say sorry as you are in the act of doing something completely opposite of the definition.

I felt fear, fear that what if he doesn't make good on saying I'm sorry and return so that he doesn't hurt me. I was afraid that he didn't wish he hadn't done it. I was afraid that he didn't really mean to say I'm sorry, but instead he meant to say I'm leaving. Can you imagine the feeling of not having the use of your hands, feet, eyes and ears? The possibility that the necessary five senses are gone forever and you have to endure living without them for the rest of your life. The very thought of it is frightening. He was my sixth sense; he had become a necessity, a reason for living, the ability to feel and the need to hunger and thirst.

There is some pain so great that your brain becomes confused and tears cannot even form within your eyes. When you can't show the emotions that you have on the inside that's when you have experienced great pain. ​What comes next is every woman's worst nightmare.

Self-blaming. What did I do wrong? Was I not taking care of his needs? Did I forget to be considerate of his feelings? Have I stopped keeping myself up good enough? Reflections of your quarrels over you not cooking enough or making love enough begin to cloud your head and suddenly you feel dizzy and light headed. It's time to lie down. Which is exactly what I did?

I lay down to rest my eyes and the next time I opened them it was two days later when the door bell rang. My body had become stiff. I had to will myself off the couch to muster out "Who is it". "It's Ryan from Stanley Movers." I opened the door and there stood Ryan the very same man that orchestrated our moving day when we closed on the Condo. "Hey Ms. James, Mr. Covin asked me to come and gather the rest of his things. Is now a good time?" NO! I replied. No it is not a good time to rip the remains that I have of him from me." "I understand Ms. James, believe me I understand. I can come back another day when it's more convenient for you" he answered. ​At that moment reality sat in and I knew that I would never see Joseph Covin again. What could I have done that caused him to not even want to get his own things? ​

Some days are so devastating that it stays in your head and heart as yesterday. Months went by and no word from Joseph. You would think that it would bring me some comfort that all the bills still were being paid by him. But No, every time the mortgage statement came showing the previous month paid it sickened me. A person has to really not care for you to rather pay all the bills instead of having a meeting to come to terms of what both parties are responsible for after a break up.

​It gets harder to talk to friends and family the next few weeks. All they want to know is "have you heard from him, is he still paying the bills, have you tried to go out on a date, are you going to look for a job, do you think he's seeing someone else and the classic question is there something you're not telling us as to why he left did you do something?" Don't they realize the emotional state I am in, I mean my fiancé' has just left me on what feels like yesterday which was just four weeks from our should have been happily ever after and to top it off I don't even know why. I mean isn't that enough alone to gossip behind my back about why must I get probed for more ammunition to be used against me later. ​

I cannot keep dwelling on this forever. Maybe I should start applying for jobs. It has been six years since I worked. Joseph said it was unnecessary for me to work. He said his job was to provide for us and I let him do just that. I let him put me up on that pedestal. I allowed myself to believe his lies. To think he had me reading all these books on parenting telling me that as soon as we say I do "I want to have a son".

I wanted to have a baby three years ago but he said we should buy the condo first and start a savings account. Then he said he wanted to be married before we had a baby. Well who doesn't? I wanted to be married. I wanted to be married six years ago when I met him! I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that I would fall in love with him. I knew than that if his intellect was even half as attractive as his outer presence that I would be in heaven and to my surprise the outer beauty was only a tenth of what has mind had to offer me.