THE DARKER SHADES OF WHITE- A love Story

White

White

White

It is such a common but ceremonially worn color.

I understand it, yet I do not understand it.

I love it but I also hate it now.

As I keep on going through this lonely road, I make so many discoveries in the realm of white.

And they appear to be getting deeper, hidden, and sinister and. . . DARKER.

And these darker shades are giving birth to something inside of me which isn't me. . . it's something more insidious-something that is against all my fathoms or my perceptions.

Now, I seek revenge. And the trait that I loved the most, seems to have become volatile and will evaporate on the least bit of exposure.

Plz vote and comment and hold tight....its coming soon :D

The warm breezes of the Arabian Sea greeted me when I stepped out of the plane. As soon as my feet touched the Pak ground, I fell to my knees and touched it after such a long time.

It has been six months since I left and I'm back again. After thirteen hours of flight, I was back at twilight without feeling any vestige of tiredness.

"I'm back." I whispered to myself as I inhaled the Pak air and headed for the check post. It felt great to be back, but I was still tensed.

So much has happened to me in the last couple of months that now just thinking about it makes my head spin.

With all the drama between me and Shehzad, I cannot believe that it came to end like this. When I told him that I decided to come back to Pakistan, he didn't stop me even once. He didn't even bother to drop me off at the airport-maybe he just didn't have it in him to face me anymore. He has hurt me way too much. I don't know if I will ever come to hate him for doing all that he has done.

He underestimated me-he thought that I would forgive him, but not this time. A woman is always taken for granted because people think that she is so starved for affection that she can be used for anything and then they expect that they can be easily understood and forgiven. But this time, I had my own internal struggles that led me to be harsh and unforgiving towards him.

But I'm sure that I will be able to forget about him-after all, we had nothing special between us. For whatever it's worth, I will not let it get to me. I will stay strong and act normal.

As I collected my luggage from the baggage terminal, I headed for the exit. My face contorted into an exciting smile when I saw two familiar faces. "Shumaila! Hina!" I called and waved my arm in the air. They saw me and waved their arms in the affirmative.

"Oh my God!" Shumaila squealed and locked me in a tight embrace as soon as I approached her. "I can't believe that you are back. We missed you so much." Hina chirped and hugged me after Shumaila. I smiled at them and embraced them tightly.

"It's good to be back." I mumbled in a strained tone, a tear almost fell from my eye but I contained it. I felt so overwhelmed.

"What happened? You look so tired and weary, Khadijah." Shumaila assessed, examining my face with her fingers withholding my chin. I smiled a tight smiled and urged her to take me to the nearest cash exchange. After changing the three hundred dollars I had left.

They led me to their car after we were done and we were soon on our way to the city from Jinnah international Airport. I cannot believe that so much has changed since I left. I think that it's been six months since I was gone. I rolled down the window on my side and breathed in the Karachi air which was cool and moist. It seldom winters in Karachi. But at least the weather is mild-neither too hot or too cold, just an intermediate.

The big bill boards were the same especially the one near the air port with the same advertisement on it since I left. As we entered Shahra-e-Faisal, I noticed that it had gotten even better. All the buildings were tightened and the fountains were running. As we made our turn into the Karachi Defense area, I stumbled upon my old neighborhood of DHA phase I and II.

"Hey, mind stopping by the Defense Market, I need to pick up a few things." I asked. They nodded and had the driver stop at the market. It was a good thing that I had a few dollars that I exchanged into Rupees at the airport. I'm sure that there won't be anything to eat. As we parked the car, I laughed at myself when I saw that Bata was on sale again.

"Is the winter stock on sale again?" I asked sarcastically. Shumaila giggled. "Yeah, looks like the sale just started."

"Hey, that reminds me, when we had sent you back to Punjab, Bata was on spring sale, wasn't it?" Hina pointed. We all burst into quiet laughter as we made our way into a Super mart.

"Hey, you don't need to worry about anything Khadijah, we will take care of everything." Hina proclaimed when she saw me put a few necessary items in the cart. I ignored her gestured and continued. "No, it's fine. Besides, I'm here to stay now." I mumbled and placed eggs and bread in the cart.

"Khadijah, you didn't quite tell us the real reason why you came back." Hina mused when we reached the counter. "Well, there isn't much to tell." I grumbled and took out my wallet. I cannot believe that the simple groceries here are so cheap. Within a thousand rupees, I bought so many things-that's equivalent to about $ 9.99.

"I'm so glad it hasn't gotten worst. America was so expensive. I couldn't afford even a milk carton without the expenditure of five dollars." I joked to divert their attention. Shumaila arched skeptical brow at me.

"Something happened, didn't it?" she asked seriously. I pouted with a shrug. "It's nothing serious. It just didn't work out between us." I said nonchalantly, though it hurt me so much to say it. My face was gonna fall any second to reveal my true feelings but I just needed to hold on till I was alone at my home-then I can cry all I want with no one around to ask me painful questions or to judge me.

"Well, I'll take your word for it now, but tomorrow, when you are well rested, you will tell us everything okay." Hina complied. I nodded in affirmation.

When we reached my house in Phase VI, I broke into tears as all the memories flowed across my eyes. I remember what had happened here seven months ago and the nightmare that I had had a month ago-but also it reminded me it me of Shehzad's kindness and I don't want to remember that; it's aches my heart and I would start crying.

"Welcome home, Khadijah." Shumaila said. I held back my emotions and pursed my lips into a tight line. I carefully got out from the car and went inside. The housekeeper and the security guard were at the entrance.

"Asalam Alaikum Khadijah Bibi, " my housekeeper greeter. I gave her a bear hug and sighed. I gave her my parka and the grocery bags.

"You should get some rest Khadijah; we will come again tomorrow, okay." Hina told. She hugged me again and then left with Shumaila.

"Bibi, shall I get lunch started?" the housekeeper, Ama Kaneez asked. I shook my head. My eyes scrutinized the whole lobby of my house. I can't believe that it's been so long that I have back here again.

"I wish that Shehzad could also be with me." I murmured subconsciously but then I remembered that I couldn't allow myself to think about that jerk. I shook my head and composed myself. I guess that I was tired that's why my thoughts were so messed up. I rushed to my bedroom. As I switched on the lights, everything was as I had left it. Ama Kaneez did a good job in keeping the place intact. I locked the door behind me. My entire luggage was already present. I unlocked my duffle bag and took out a soft linen night suit.

I went to the bathroom and took off my Hijab. Untying my bun, my dark hair rolled down to my shoulder. I gazed at my reflection in the mirror and I could barely recognize myself, no wonder Shumaila was so shocked-I had big dark bags under my eyes and my skin and lips were dry and pale. My cheek bones were visible and my jaw was strikingly prominent. And I couldn't see any life or light in my eyes. It's the same as when I glanced at myself on the morning of my family's funeral.

I sighed and turned on the warm water taps in the shower tray. I hoped in the soothing cascades of water. It untied some of the knots in my back and the knots in the pit of my stomach. After I was relaxed, I dried my hair and dressed in my attire for the night.

I collapsed in my bed and buried my head in my pillow. Now that no one was around, I can cry freely. The tears gushed uncontrollably. My eyes flowed till it began to ache my optic nerves and dried my tear ducts-the pain that came with it was excruciating. Everything that happened in the past ten days, flashed before my eyes. It was such a long emotional experience, I went through a series of so many emotions and sensations that I had never went through before concerning Shehzad. I have finally seen his real face and what a coward I am-I vowed love for him but when the moment of truth came, I ran away from him who is a cheat, an unfaithful man, a murderer and an indifferent man.

When he shot that man in front of me, I was so afraid. It was outside the acumen of my understanding. How can he be like that? How can he betray my trust? After all that I did for him, he ended up violating everything that I believed in.

And not to mention Joshua Blacksmith; I could have never thought in a million years that he would catch me in such a distraught condition. He was kind to me at fist but why is it that Satan has such a strong hold on the wits and hearts of men? He treated me kindly like he was a different person, someone that I never thought he could be-he was manipulative and blackmailing cad, yet the face I saw those two days, they were completely different. And how can I forget; he was JTB all along. The world really is small for coincidences. But how I am so confused, who is the real him? The same man I met at central park or the ruthless Student council President or the man who treated me back to health and helped me but then attacked me afterwards?

Khiar, that isn't my concern anymore because I will never see him again.

But what my concerns is the one that hurts me so much just by thinking about it because all of it was a lie-everything that happened between us was a lie-his smile, his caring nature, his warm embraces and his soft kisses and his affectionate kindness, they were false and deceit. It's a good thing that I ran away otherwise the way he had treated me when I got back-the way he spoke and the way he acted almost made me believe and forgive him, but my decision was final, I could never be with a man who didn't possess even a vestige of Islamic morals and ideals. I can never be with such a man because that would corrupt the generations that will follow after me and it would destroy my Akhirat.

Maybe I could have condoned his treachery, his unfaithfulness and his deception and duplicity but when he said that he didn't believe in God, then everything ended for 'US'.

To me, my Allah matters more than a man who doesn't believe in Him-I think that it was a testing time and I have passed it. I just hope that this pain would also decrease. All I have to do is wait now.

I never want to go through all those pretenses ever again. I never want to see his face. In want to erase every trace of memory related to him and I just want to keep moving forward. I must learn to hate him; that is the only way I can forget him.

Ya Allah, please erase the being of Shehzad Atish from my mind and from my life. This shall be the last time I will shed tears for that man. I will never again trust a man or marry again.

I cried all night till I drifted into sleep.

**********

So, here you have it :D

This is the beginning of a new phase of TDSOW :D

VOTE, COMMENT AND PROMOTE :)

I slowly opened my eyes but the sharp rays of the sun hit my eyes and blinded me that I began to see halos. Gradually, I opened my eye lids; my thick eye lashes prevented from more light entrance into my eyes. All these blinding photons of light are forming a new symphony of white in my heart-one that I can describe to be a white of shame and humility yet a new shade that offers liberty from the past.

"It's not going to be easy, Khadijah." I mumbled to myself with my eyes glued to the ceiling. So many symphonies and shades of white crossed me and gave me a new motive but this one; it seems almost too difficult to fulfill.

But it's a new day and a new hope and I must take care of a lot of things. I missed my Fajr prayers because I was so tired and when I checked the time, it was already noon-I never knew that I could sleep so much especially when I'm tired. I slowly crept out of bed my warm bed and staggered towards the bathroom. I slowly brushed my teeth and combed my hair. I knelt down to my suit cases and took out a fresh Kurta suit. My luggage was so less as compared to when I was going to America. I took all of the stuff that I took with me and I didn't dare to take even a hairpin that I had bought from that man's money-after he accused me of being a normal bimbo who was only after his money, I was beyond broke. He made me fall in my own perspective.

I'm glad that our relationship didn't proceed to the next level otherwise it would have been so hard to be the way that I am now. I'm glad that he didn't give me anything that would constantly remind me of him. i had given him a wrist band which he had never worn so it's good that it didn't work out. I even left my own wrist band because I had bought it with his money.

Urgh! I need to stop thinking negatively or else I will go crazy. I cannot lose my nerves now-there is so much to be done.

I applied some Johnson's moisturizer on my face and hands and draped my dupatta on my shoulders and headed down stairs. My eyes gazed upon the once lively house that was vacant now-usually this early in the morning, Harris would wake up late and I would prepare breakfast for the family. The marble floor was cold and so were the beautiful beige colored porcelain walls. My eyes viewed the three large defined lounge areas down stairs. I cleared the high window of the corridor to let some sunlight filter in. this feeling of being back home in my motherland is so superb.

"Bibi, Subah Bakhair, " Ama Kaneez greeted wholeheartedly. I gave her a soft halfhearted smile. I would hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I must dismiss the remaining servants in this house since I will not be able to afford keeping them anymore. With barely

"Would you like something to eat? You were tired last night so I dare not disturb you." She excused herself. I touched her shoulder softly and dismissed her. I wasn't hungry in the least though I was feeling physically weak. The clean air was so relaxing-I can't believe that was away from this Paak environment for so long.

Well, at least if I am empty handed right now, I still have this place filled with precious memories. Thankfully, I still got to keep this house. I covered my shoulders with a velvet cardigan and walked to the lawn. The Sunlight was strong and regenerated my skin and face. The breezes swept my face and my loose hair and I noticed that they shone brightly. I'm happy to see no snow for a change despite loving snow but now I know how it feels like to have to live in snow for the entire winter and I used to make fun of my friends in Murree-a snicker escaped my throat but I still wasn't feeling any better. I glanced at my reflection in the pond. Will this really work out?

My throat felt parched. I went inside to get a glass of water. The water tasted so sweet and refreshing-for some reason, the water in |America always tasted hard and bitter.

"Bibi, there is someone here to meet you." Ama Kaneez informed. I nodded. I felt excited all of a sudden, as if I almost wanted him to come. But I know him better to know that he is too egotistic to do that.

"Zainab baji!" I squealed and rushed to hug her. "You look great." I commended in the hug.

"Oh, Khadijah, I missed you so much baita." She said. I smiled and led her to the living room.

"When did you get back?" she asked as she sat down. I shrugged. "Just last night; how did you know that I came back?"I asked.

"Well. . . I visit this house monthly to check if anything is needed. However, you should have told me that you were coming." I smiled and after all the pleasantries were over, I cut to the point.

"Actually, I was going to call you or come visit you because I wanted to discuss a few things with you." I started. She looked a little nervous. "Baji, did something happen to me when my family had the accident?"I asked.

She was silent and pursed her lips into a hard line. "How much do you remember?" she grumbled and placed her hands on top of mine. I told her what I had recalled a few days ago.

"SO, you do remember everything."

"Vaguely; I still have a few things that are unsorted. But I want you to tell me what had happened the night that they died because I couldn't recall anything from that short span of time."

"Well, when the accident happened, I was first informed about it and when I told you, you broke down. You wouldn't believe what I was telling you. You were in complete denial for three straight days and you kept asking when your family will be back from the party and with that. The funeral was prolonging. But when I told you that they have died and I took you to see their bodies, you broke down again and this time, you were insane with guilt. You kept blaming yourself that you killed them and you wouldn't stop but then one day, you finally stopped and you wouldn't sleep or eat or do anything, all you would do was to stare into space.. I had to call in a friend of mine who was a psychiatrist. She told me that you were suffering from catatonia. After three days of not eating and sleeping, I had you admitted in the hospital. That's when Mr. Fayaz Atish came in." she explained. So the Chairman also knew about it?

"He suggested that the best way for you to get back to normal was for you to forget temporarily. It was presented that hypnosis should be used on you to make you forget about the incident. And since you were already suffering from severe mental and emotional trauma, it worked and you were able to forget and you went back to normal but we were also told that the same mental trauma or emotional outburst could cause you remember again and we were also warned from telling you anything because the results were unpredictable. The doctors did say that your mindset was very raw and they did detect some suicidal tendencies in you at that time." She confided. I was stunned by her last sentence. Was I that out of whack?

"And it looks like that you were through something bad that you remembered everything." She told. I swallowed hard. So that's what happened. I know now; I remember.

"It's a long story but in a nutshell, the marriage didn't work out and I'm having a divorce soon." I responded straightforwardly. Now I have a few more things to take care of. Zainab baji wanted to ask something else but I wasn't in the mood to answer any personal questions related to my

"How are things back in the village? How is our grandfather?" I asked. She looked at me dolefully. "He's not well. Ever since my Uncles Kashif and Anjum died in the fire, he lost all his wits. He's bed ridden for now with depression, reflecting on what he's done to so many people especially you. If you have the time, please go and visit him. He really wants to see you." She drawled. I gave her a stiff nod.

We talked a little about the political situation of Pakistan and she left after an hour. I walked to my garden and stared at the neighbor's house. Hasan should be there. Maybe I should go and see him.

"Khadijah, Asalam Alaikum, " Hina approached me and hugged me from behind. "How are you feeling? Sorry, university just held me up." She told. "Which Uni did you join?" I asked uncaringly, my eyes unflinchingly glued to the house across the street.

"DOW med school, on merit. Sorry that I didn't tell you." she told. I nodded.

"Hey Hina, is Hasan still living there?" I asked pointed at the house by jerking my chin. She was silent so I glanced at her from the corner of my eye.

"You don't need to worry; I know that you were told not to tell me anything. But I know what I did and what happened with me after the accident." I said and gazed at her face. Her eyes contrite but she spoke the truth nonetheless.

"He went on Scholarship to Yale University a month back." She replied.

"I see, " all the memories were coming back to me. I now know what had happened which caused me to commit a sin as ig as having a relationship out of wedlock with a frivolous boy like Hasan.

"Hey Hina, are the entry test submission for NUST still on?" I asked to take my mind of the horrid thoughts that I was having.

"Yes they are. . . why do you ask?"

"Because I want to apply; when is the next test?" I inquired and began to head for the door. "It's after Christmas, but why do you want to give the test, aren't you going back after the winter holidays are up?" she asked in English.

"I'll tell you about it later. Can you please send out my form for me please." I beseeched. "Wait, maybe you could explain yourself tonight. Shumaila is holding a dinner for you tonight. That's why I came."

"Yeah sure I'll be there."

I went inside after Hina left and walked to my bedroom. My brain instructed me to seek something on top of my closet. My hands searched blindly until they collided with something hard. I took out the box; it was heavily layered with dusk. I placed it on the ground and carefully opened it. There were a few pictures in it-of me and Hasan. I cannot believe that I was so na?ve and stupid back then. I remember that I was first told that I would have to be married into the Atish family this April after my finals were over. I remember that I had met The Chairman and uncle Mansoor (Shehzad's father) here at Karachi. I was completely shocked that my own father wanted me to marry a man who lived abroad and was spoiled and maybe corrupt-which I was right about in the present. In rebellion, I started dating the first boy who confessed to me and it happened to be Hasan. And the worst thing was, I actually fell in love with him despite knowing that it was just a means of time-pass for him. and actually hurt my father who loved em so much and for what-a good for nothing guy who didn't even make an effort to ask approval from his parents to ask for my hand in marriage for him.

I cannot believe that I used to be such a brassy girl. Maybe the hypnosis did me some good by altering the very nature of my thinking scheme. And if I'm correct, maybe I was only brassy on the outside and maybe I always possessed a righteous subconscious which took control of me when I lost my memories.

I gasped at my at a horrific realization. The only two relationships that I ever had didn't work out because I was the one who always took it too seriously. I was always too trusting and I was the one who ended up getting hurt and disoriented and betrayed.

Well, at least I got what I deserved for committing so many sins all at once-going against Islamic commandments and disobeying my parents landed me in the gallows without my ever knowing it. I wonder what will happen to me now.

**********

"I'm so glad that you came back for a visit Khadijah." Shumaila's mother gushed and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back. "Thank you for inviting me tonight Auntie." I hugged her back.

"Please come in, make yourself at home." She initiated. Shumaila led me to the dining room. I sat beside Hina.

"Shumaila, please call your brothers and sister." Her mother instructed. I frowned. "Brother?" I whispered to Hina. I can recall that Shumaila's little brother was here but not her elder brother.

"Oh yeah, her big brother Ahmad Bhai is on a holiday from PMA (Pakistan Military academy)." She informed. I felt a blush creep on my cheeks. Oh my Allah, I cannot believe that he's back. I have had a crush on him since I was thirteen; but when he left for PMA five years ago. I was relieved that he was gone but hurt too-I liked him so much. I cannot believe that I have the same crush I have had on him for this long. No, I'm sure that I'm just a little nervous that we are going to meet him after such a long time.

Kay

What the hell? Why did I just hear a sexy and alluring voice and see a pair of shining lustrous turquoise eyes.

No, Khadijah do not allow yourself to think of that man. I must block him out-why is my mind trying to show me his face? I took a deep breath to control myself.

"Sorry Ami, he's busy, I'll come later." Shumaila came in and informed. I was sort of relieved with that. "Oh ho, too bad." Her mother exclaimed and sat beside Shumaila. Her father also came and I greeted him.

"So Khadijah, how is life in America?" Auntie inquired. I swallowed the food in my mouth. "It was good."

"That's nice to know. Will your husband also be joining us later in the holidays?"

"No Auntie, actually I have come back for good now." I replied. She seemed confused as well as the others.

"The marriage didn't work out. We couldn't make out an understanding. I will be getting divorced soon." I informed courageously.

"Oh, well that's a pity. It often happens with people like that. Well, what are your plans for now?"

"Well Ami, let's not ask everything all at once." Shumaila cut in. I mouthed a thank you to her.

After dessert, Shumaila and Hina dragged me up stairs for interrogation.

"Okay what's happened with you, Khadijah? How can you blurt out something as big as a divorce to my parents like that?" Shumaila burst. I remained composed though I was also screaming at myself inside for being so calm about something that was killing my heart.

"It's the truth. It didn't work out. He will be sending the divorce papers soon." I replied and sat on the bed. All of a sudden, I felt moisture on my cheeks. It was alright. I was among friends, I can cry as much as I want now. And I did.

I told them everything that they wanted to know and their reactions were just the way that I had predicted. They were beyond enraged.

"You were right to leave him. He was sick to leave a gem like you." Hina said. I shook my head. "It still hurts thinking about him." I whined.

"Don't worry, you will soon and I will help you with it. From now on, you can rely on us." Shumaila responded. I nodded and fell on her lap.

We talked about other things to distract myself. At ten o clock, so I stood up to leave. As soon as I took a step out, I was frozen stiff when I saw Ahmad Bhai standing in the hall way busy on the phone. When he saw me, he quickly hung up and beamed at me. I was stunned to see that he had polished up after all this time-he had gotten so handsome. The Army really did him well. He was so cool, Mashaa Allah.

"Khadijah, how are you." He asked. I tried smiling despite the reddening blush.

"I'm fine, thank you for asking bhai, how is the Army treating you?" I asked. Shumaila and Hina ran downstairs and asked for the chauffer.

"I heard that you had gotten married. Many congratulations." He said wholeheartedly. My smile vanished. I felt awkward because I didn't know how to respond to him. My nerves were on high.

"Thank you." I replied and ran to the exit. I didn't want to face him and lie to his face. I just couldn't allow myself to straightforwardly say that I'm getting a divorce soon. What would he think about me?

When I got back home, I collapsed in bed. Today was so weird. But at least it cleared out a few things for me.

**********

Two weeks passed and I gave my NUST test after Christmas was over. I gained admission in NUST on open merit when the results were announced two days later. I couldn't believe that time was passing by but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Shehzad-how could he be? Was he alright? Was he alive and healthy? Was he having his meals on a daily basis?

Often, I would stare up at the moon and think about all the good times that we had and the tears would follow suit. I'm sure that he wouldn't be thinking anything of me. I'm sure that he's feeling thankful that I finally left him and stopped nagging him.

I would check the email and mailbox everyday for the arrival of the divorce papers. But they didn't arrive. Because was admitted in NUST, I would have to attend university in Islamabad so I decided to shift there and give the house for rent. Hina and Shumaila weren't happy about it but I was finally able to get them to approve.

On the start of the third week, when I visited the mailbox at the gate, I received a very strange letter. It looked like a letter from a bank. I couldn't understand anything that it conveyed so I went to visit Shumaila's father who was a Vice President at a Bank.

He viewed the letter very carefully and frowned.

"It looks like a notice letter. It has given a deadline for a loan that needs to be paid from your father." He said.

"Loan? What kind of loan?"

"It says that apparently your father had received a loan of two billion rupees. And now they want it back." He informed.

"What?!" I panicked. It felt as if the sky had fallen on my head and the ground disappeared beneath my feet.

Ya Allah, what has happened to me now?

**********

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