Should I Stay or Leave?

I closed the door.

Blag!!

It could have hit me if not for the door. I took a deep breath, went downstairs to pick up my son and leave.

This is one of those days where I asked myself should I stay or should I leave? But until now, I can't seem to decide. All I do is cry at night with only the walls listening to me.

You might wonder was battered. No!

Loved? I don't know!

Cared for? Maybe!

Then the next question you might ask is why?

My name is Kamiah and this is my story.

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She was 2 days late. The tracker had rung its notification to alert her if she has failed to update it. But, she did not.

Three days ago, she started spotting. Usually, that's how her period starts. Then, after a day or two comes the normal menstrual bleeding. But, that's not what happened. Instead for three consecutive days, all she experience was light spotting. She feels weird. It never happened before. So, she got herself a pregnancy test.

After five days of light spotting, she did the test first thing in the morning. She was anxious during that few seconds of waiting to see how many lines would show up. Finally, a LINE showed. And she sighed with relief.

For the succeeding days, spotting is gone but no period as well. She started asking herself was stress the culprit of making her period act unusually. She did not think about pregnancy. She did the test already and it showed that she failed the test of becoming a mom. So, she decided to give it a few more days or even a month.

A month passed; still, her period did not come to visit her. Her intuition is screaming of "Pregnant, Pregnant" again. But she was not feeling nauseous, she doesn't vomit, and she doesn't have food cravings or aversions. Sure, she has mood swings like any other woman and it can happen anytime. But to quiet the voice inside her head, she decided to buy two of those pregnancy tests again. This time, she decided to do the test immediately upon arriving home. She doesn't want to wait until the next morning. If she is pregnant, it should show right away.

There she is again, looking at that pregnancy test doing its job. She feels like it was slow this time. Then, voila, TWO LINES.

"What? Are you serious? It can't be? I tested before and it was negative. This must be wrong. Let me do it again after three hours," she said.

After three hours, she tried again. This time the result was faster and clearer. It was TWO LINES, still. She looked at it shocked with tears flowing from her eyes. She is having mixed feelings about it. A part of her was so happy knowing that she is capable of having a child. She is already in her early 30's with two sisters who were having a hard time conceiving. The other part is sad because she is not ready for it. Firstly, her relationship with her boyfriend is shaky most of the time. She knows that he is not also ready for it so she doesn't know how he will react. Secondly, if Acwell, her boyfriend, is not ready to take responsibility then she must go back from where she is originally from. She does not want to go home because it means losing her job. If she doesn't have a job, how can she raise this child? But, if she stays in Dubai and not married, it means jail time and deportation for her. All of those thoughts made her cry even more.

She lies down on the bed and covered herself from head to toe with a comforter. She does not want her roommate to see her crying. She was even holding herself not to be loud when she wanted to cry as loud as she can to take it all out. She sent Acwell on Whatsapp, the screenshot of the pregnancy test with a message,

"I did this twice and the result is the same. We need to talk. I want to hear what you want to do."

Acwell replied after 5 minutes, "Are you trying to say, you are pregnant? I don't understand that two lines."

"I am if the test is not mistaken but I did it twice. So, what do you want to do?"

"It's too early for me to talk about this. I just woke up and even not feeling well. We will talk later. I need to go to work."

That is exactly what she expects him to answer. He just confirmed that he is not yet ready to be a father. So she replied,

"It is not hard to answer if you know what you want. Anyway, we have to talk as soon as possible. I can't stay here for too long. I need to plan my life. I need to look for a job and get ready to raise this child."

He did not respond to her last message. "What I am going to do?" she thought. She closed her eyes and covers her mouth. Her cry is getting louder and louder. She is worried that her roommate might wake up because of it. She wanted to calm herself. So, she opened Netflix and decided to watch "The Notebook". She wanted to divert her mind from thinking and worrying. She wanted to fall in love and cry through Nicholas Sparks story. And she wanted to be able to give a very good excuse if in case her roommate wakes up and asked why she is crying. But, actually, the main reason she wanted to watch it, is because she wanted to believe in love. She wanted to feel and believe that she has that kind of love. She used to not appreciate the movie that she could not even finish watching it. But now that she is so sad and has a lot on her head, she was able to finish it. And surprisingly, she loved it.

It has been a week since she and Acwell had exchange messages on Whatsapp. She was debating within herself whether to send him a message or not. But, in the end, sending a message won.

"How are you? Are you feeling better now?"

"I am still having a cold and a fever that goes on and off." He replied.

"Let me know when you feel better so we can talk."

As expected, no response after that. But, maybe, he is indeed sick. It is getting colder in Dubai. People usually get sick during the transition from summer to winter. And when you say summer, it means that when you go out, the heat and humidity will make you feel like you are being grilled inside an oven. Even at night, you will hate going out. During the winter, it doesn't snow but the temperature can drop to 6 degrees Celsius sometimes.

She is going on with her life as if she is not carrying a child within her. She would work up to 10 hours a day without break or sometimes she would be standing the whole shift. She is a Reservation Agent cum Receptionist in a hotel that's why. But she likes it because it keeps her off from thinking. Especially that Acwell still won't see her nor communicate with her just to at least check on her. The idea of him running away from his responsibility creeps in from time to time. But she refuses to think that he will. She is still full of hope that somehow they will be together in facing this new and big challenge called parenting.

Another week has passed. She started to see the obvious changes in her body. Her breasts are sore almost all the time. It's even sometimes itchy with stretch marks starting to show. They are growing that some of her bras do not fit anymore. Her appetite for eating is increasing day by day. But lucky for her, she still doesn't suffer from food aversion or morning sickness. Her stomach is becoming bigger and bigger that which made some of her clothes tight. Until now, she is keeping it a secret. She knows how fast rumors spread. She will be in trouble if the authorities find out. But for how long she can keep it, not for long. Soon people will notice the changes in her body. But Acwell, still, would not talk to her.

It's the third week of the month; still, Acwell has not got back to her. "What kind of sickness does he have that he still won't talk to me?" she thought. "Maybe he is running away. No! If he doesn't want to be there for her and the baby, he could have said so. No one is forcing him to take responsibility," she said to quiet her mind. She just wanted him to know because she doesn't want to keep it from him. And so she could make peace with all what if and to be able to think clearly of what she must do.

It's almost the end of the month, still Acwell won't talk to her. She sends him a message again.

"How are you? Are you better now?"

"Yeah, somehow," he replied.

"My stomach is growing bigger. You have to make a decision. I cannot wait for you forever. Tell me if you don't want to be there for us so I can resign and go home."

"When is your off?"

"On next Thursday and Friday, I am off."

"Let's meet up at the same hotel we usually go to on Thursday. I am off that day and doing an afternoon shift the day before. I will make the reservation myself. Message me beforehand at what time you can be there."

"Alright, see you there!"

"Finally! But I would still prepare my resignation letter just in case so I can hand it to my manager when I come back from off," she said to herself. She started checking job vacancies in the Philippines and even sending her resume for application. She must start taking actions so that hopefully if she must go home there is a job waiting for her.

Thursday seemed like forever. But when that day arrives, she is feeling nervous. "You are strong! Whether he will be there or not you can do this," she said while she was at the toilet applying a little make up. She had become pale these past few days. She even vomited for the first time on that day. Her phone vibrated and when she checked, Acwell has just sent her a message.

"I am here in room 424. I ordered pizza for lunch. I hope that it is still okay for you."

"Yeah, its fine. I don't have a food aversion. But I vomited today after eating some fruits for breakfast. It's the first time it happened."

"Oh, really! Well, we will order something else if in case you can't eat this."

"Yes, thanks! I'm on the way now. I am just waiting for my cab."

"Take care then."

She arrived at the Blu Rose Hotel and passed by the reception to hand them her ID. It must be scanned and entered into their system. An ID is mandatory and most of the time even a marriage certificate must be presented before a man and woman can stay in one room. The country is bound to follow Islamic rules and procedures. But, some of the hotels like this one is a little flexible if the guests are not locals. She took the lift to the fourth floor and walk towards room 424. She stopped when she was in front of the door, took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. He opened the door and Acwell is standing there with a smile. He let her in and close the door. Then, he pulled her and hugged her.

"How are you?" he asked.

"I am okay. And you?" she mumbled because at that moment she felt like crying.

"I am fine," he answered and continued, "Let's have lunch first. I am hungry. I did not eat breakfast earlier. Let's save the serious conversation later, shall we?" He ushered her towards the sofa.

"Okay."

"I hope you could still eat pizza."

"Let me try."

"Ah, it was delicious," he said with a big smile. She smiled back at him and drank her can of Pepsi.

They were silent for a minute. They just looked at each other thinking of what to say and what to hear. It was Acwell who broke the silence by saying, "So, how are you? Don't say you are okay. What exactly do you feel?" he asked while having a serious look.

"I feel scared," she answered in tears.

"I know. But why?

"I feel that I am going through this alone."

"Why is that?"

"I don't think you want this child."

"Who said that?"

"I just feel that way. Our relationship has never been stable. Look, it's been a month before you could even decide to talk to me. You could not message me or call me. I have to do it like a desperate woman trying to catch a man."

"But I do!" he blurted.

"Huh!" she said. She thought she might have heard it wrong.

"I do want that child. I do want to be a father," he said but with a hint of sadness.

She burst into tears as she finally got the answer to the question that had been bugging her for a month. "But why does he looked so sad?" is now the question that she has on her mind.

He hugged her and said, "So, you don't have to cry. Instead, you have to be happy. We are going to have a baby. Where going to be parents. (paused) But there is something I need to tell you."

She looked at him still in tears. As for him, he looks sadder. "Remember last year, I had a fling with a girl during the month we broke up?"

"Yes, you said it was only for a week. But what about her?"

"I was still immature with my actions and choices back then. I feel like I want to try so many things because I was young. Even now I am still making mistakes, I am still learning but better than before."

"I don't see where this conversation is heading."

"Kamiah I made the biggest mistake of sleeping with her that we ended up having a daughter."

There, he finally drops the bomb. This is why he was looking so sad. She did not know that he slept with that girl all the more that they end up having a daughter. Her chest hurts as if there is a dagger stuck on it. She felt betrayed for the second time around. It made her sunk onto the sofa with her hands covering her face while her crying grew louder. He pulled her. She resisted. He pulled her again and she gave in. She was still crying so he held her tight as if he was scared of letting her go. Then, he continued talking sadly in a low voice.

"It was more than a week. But a week was enough for me to know that it was wrong. I did end it after one week. But two weeks after, she called to tell me she is pregnant. We tried to get back together but I can't stand her. I can't stand living a life with her. So, we finally end it and stop talking to each other. But I feel hurt that I abandoned my daughter. I grew up not really knowing my father. I have seen how my mother struggled to raise me by herself before she met my stepfather. So, I went back to communicating with her just early this year. I sent her an email and she replied saying she had a daughter. We decided to at least communicate via Whatsapp for Amara's sake. She would send me pictures and videos of her and I helped her financially."

She was still sobbing while listening to him talking. She feels so helpless that there is nothing she can't do but accept something that hurts her deeply.

"Why you did not tell me this before?" she asked.

"I was waiting for the right moment," he answered.

"So, now that I am pregnant, you feel like this is the right time?"

"For me it is. To let you know that I am not just a father of one but soon a father of two."

Her sobbing continued as his confession. "That day that you showed me the pregnancy test result, I was so happy. I wanted to see you, hugged you and kissed you. But I was reminded of Amara. She came first and I am not there for her. I feel like it was not fair to her. I was sick and got even sicker of thinking about what should I do. I know if I tell you I can't be with you to be fair with her, you will walk out of my life for good. I could not eat and sleep with the thought of losing you. I could not bear the pain. It brought me tears at night. Then, I realized it's not fair to me, to you and our child not to be given a chance. I gave Amara's mother a chance. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness but all we do is bicker."

He looked at her again and said, "I know it hurts. You don't deserve it. I wish I could go back and undo my past for you and our child. I wish I was not that stupid to play around. But, it is what it is. And that experience, made me know who I want to be with. I want to be with you. I want to have a family with you and no one else."

"I don't know what to say. I am happy, angry and deeply hurt. I don't know which emotion is better in helping me decide. You betrayed me once and now for the second time. It is not fair that I have to accept something that I did not choose. It is so unfair that a part of me will always be hurt from your betrayal."

He was quiet fighting back tears as she keeps talking.

"But I am going to try for my baby, I am going to try. I will stay with you rather than walk away. And I hope that starting from now, you would show me that it's not a mistake."

He pulled her in order for him to hug her and then kiss her.