Shadows of the past

"What are you going to do after the meeting today?" Lovette asked.

I pushed the hidden button on the side of the pillar, revealing a panel. Placing my hand on the scanner, I replied, "I have a ton of work that needs to get done."

"Of course you do," Aaron said, rolling his hazel eyes.

I gave him a droll stare and motioned for him to enter the newly revealed passageway. He chuckled and stepped past me. Lovette hid a laugh and followed, with Zara right behind her. I walked in after them, and the door slid shut.

"Come on, Rylan! You're a twenty-two-year-old dark-haired beauty! You should be going out with friends and having a good time, not working every single night," Lovette exclaimed.

After the retinal scan the next panel, the door opened, and we walked through. I snorted, "As much fun as that sounds, I have to work."

"Good morning, Agent Rylan. Lovette, Zara, Aaron; it's good to see you," Logan said, scanning us to confirm our identities. The next door slid open.

"Hey Logan!" Lovette said cheerfully. "What kind of pie do we have today?" An x-ray checked for unauthorized tracers.

"I believe Miss Aria baked an apple pie today, Lovette," Logan replied, ever the polite super-computer. We reached the end of the passageway and stopped in front of a large steel door. Logan opened it, and we stepped through.

We entered a large room with metallic silver walls, cubicles on one side, and a kitchen counter on the other. A long table in the center was surrounded by chairs, some already occupied by agents. Victoria and her boyfriend, Austin, were laughing loudly. Josh and Anna were quietly chatting. An apple pie sat in the middle of the table, as promised.

Lovette, Aaron, and Zara joined the others at the table while I walked to the far side of the room toward the bathrooms and back exit. I stopped at a cage next to a door, where a bulldog was waiting.

"Hey Owen! How's it going, boy?" I asked, opening the cage. Owen ran out and jumped on me, his front paws resting on my legs. He licked my hand and sniffed my leather jacket pocket. I chuckled, pulling out a dog biscuit. "Looking for this?" He looked at me pleadingly, and I gave him the treat, patting his back while he ate.

"I just don't get it!" Josh exclaimed from the table.

I looked over to see everyone staring at me. "Get what?" I asked, confused.

"How he lets you get so close to him. If any of us try, he'll bite our fingers off!" Josh explained. To prove his point, Owen growled at him.

I shrugged, "He likes me better."

"It's more than that. It has to be," Zara stated.

I looked down at Owen, my mind racing through past memories. My voice sounded distant as I said, "It's just how we trained him."

"Who is 'we'?" Lovette asked, sensing they were missing something important.

Just then, the door to the only actual office among the cubicles opened. An older woman, around 50, walked out, wearing long flowing clothes and a braid dyed blondish-brown hanging over her shoulder. "Well, I best be off!" she said in a sing-song voice. I put Owen back in his cage and stood up. Aria walked over and hugged me. "I know how you get this time of year. Just take it easy and remember we are here for you." I nodded in response to her whispered comment. "Don't work too hard, dear," she said louder.

I gave her a half-smile. "Me? Never!"

She chuckled as she walked out through the back exit, calling out one last goodbye.

The office door opened again, and another older woman, about the same age, walked out. She wore a business suit, and her hair was short and completely gray.

I walked over and sat on the counter closest to the table. "And what were you two doing behind closed doors?" I asked sarcastically. Ezra and Aria had been together for four years and were still in the "honeymoon" phase. I liked to tease Ezra about their relationship. I was the only one allowed to.

"If I didn't need you so badly to close cases..." Ezra trailed off, shaking her head. I smirked. She sat at the head of the table, right next to me. I threw my feet up on the counter and leaned back on my hands. My combat boots made a loud thump.

"So, what tragically boring news do we have to discuss today?" I asked, looking at Victoria, who usually ran the meetings. She glared at me like I was dirt under her expensive shoes.

I cocked an eyebrow at her. She shook her head slightly before saying, "Well, we busted a large drug deal yesterday at the south corner of the campus." I clenched my fist at how accomplished she sounded. If only she knew how trivial these cases were compared to what we used to do before the suits took over.

"Very good. Anything else?" Ezra asked.

"We have a new tip that seems legitimate so far."

"Okay, put the information on my desk after the meeting," Ezra said, sounding strange.

I pondered what could have caused Ezra to act like that, so I missed everyone going around the table saying what they contributed this week. I also missed Victoria asking me what I had done. However, the clearing of a throat caught my attention, and I looked up to see everyone staring at me for the second time today.

"And what did you do to contribute to our VERY IMPORTANT cause, Rylan?" Victoria asked.

I scoffed, "Important cause? All we do is keep college students from getting the high they so desperately want."

"What we do changes things for the better!" Victoria screeched.

Something in her voice pushed me over the edge.

"No! No, it doesn't! It doesn't change a damn thing!" I yelled. At this point, I had jumped up from my lounging position on the counter. I was standing with one fist clenched tight and the other pointing an accusatory finger at Victoria. Everyone was shocked at my outburst. It was so different from my usual laid-back attitude. I was shocked too. Aria's warning about this time of year affecting me was perfectly timed.

"Rylan, are you okay?" Lovette asked, concerned.

"I'm sorry, but I can't be here right now," I said gruffly.

I dropped my arm and turned on my heel, marching toward the door next to Owen's cage. My body was stiff with tension as I threw open the door and marched through, slamming it behind me. To my left were the bathrooms, and in front of me was the back exit leading to a small parking lot. On my right was a blank wall. I marched over to it and ran my hand down it in a specific pattern. The rock work swung out to reveal a door. I punched in the code on the panel, and the door swung inward.

I stalked through the doorway and into the elevator. The door and wall slid back into place, and the elevator took me down.

I stepped out of the elevator and looked around. I hadn't been in here for over a year. Nobody had. Ezra and I were the only ones from the agency who knew about this room, and neither of us ever came down here.

This used to be the training bunker for AMF agents. To my left was a wall full of targets. On the adjacent wall, there were guns, knives, hand grenades, and any other weapon you could imagine. They were all displayed on the wall in an orderly fashion with a table below them filled with bullets, knife sharpeners, and so on. The wall opposite me had different rooms leading off of it. There were boys and girls dormitories and there was a recreational room with a TV, game consoles, some arcade games, and a pool table. There was a door that led to the back exit of the training room and another that lead to a storage closet full of supplies. There were a couple other doors as well. The last wall was full of pictures.

It was started seven years ago by two agents. It was full of pictures of them during training, on missions, and in recovery. Starting on the right side of the wall and heading left, there were pictures from the four years they served in the agency. It was my brother and his best friend who started the wall.

I looked at the pictures of the class of agents that my brother, Liam Rylan, and his best friend, Finn Steele, were in. I worked my way along the wall, looking at them making stupid faces at the camera while the other agents trained in the background. I moved on to where they were pretending to have gunfights and kill each other. Then, they were preparing to jump out of a helicopter for a mission and were giving the camera a silly thumbs up.

I finally reached their fourth year. It's safe to say that that was the year where they truly came into their joking nature. There was a picture of when they started a water balloon fight as "grenade training." There was the time they used some of the sniper rifles and grenades as golf clubs and golf balls to play mini golf. There was one of them posing next to their "artwork" that they made by shooting patterns into the targets. As I went through, I found the class picture. In it there was Ezra, standing next to a very tall guy with brown hair, bushy eyebrows, and an easy smile; Liam Rylan, my brother. Next to him is another tall guy with black hair and piercing blue eyes; Finn Steele, Liam's best friend. Next to them is a girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a shy smile; Taylor Star, my best friend. Finally, there was a girl with dark brown hair, deep brown eyes, and a huge smile; me.

I wiped a stray tear from my eye as I looked at the picture, remembering happier times when these were taken.

I heard the elevator open behind me and Ezra walked over. She stood in silence for a moment before I finally turned around. She wrapped me in a hug and I laid my head on her shoulder as we continued to stand there in silence. After a minute, I took a step back and she let her arms fall to her sides.

"I know you miss them. I do too. But they aren't coming back, Lovey, and that is why things are the way they are. I know you want to do the missions like we did before, and the truth is, I wish we could. But we can't. After they left, we were losing agents. And those agents had actual training! Can you imagine how these kids would do? They wouldn't last ten seconds in that world and you can't do it alone. So, we take the missions we can do, and we do the best job possible with the sources we have available."

I sighed as I listened to her, practically know the speech by heart. I knew she was right; I just wished it was different. "I know. It just kills me not being able to make a real difference."

Her face softened and she smiled a little. "I know."

She looked at the wall behind me. I turned and looked at the pictures with her. She put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "It's going on three years. That just doesn't seem real." I nodded as she turned and walked back to the elevator. As the doors were about to close she said, "They were just cutting into Aria's pie when I left. They saved you a piece. And I'm sure everyone would understand if you took tomorrow off." Then the doors closed, and Ezra was gone.

I turned away from the wall of pictures and walked over to the weapons wall. I picked up a handgun and tested its weight. We didn't use real guns anymore. We had switched to dart guns that knocked people out, and even now we didn't use those

I hadn't held a real gun for two years.

Despite the long separation, it still felt familiar in my hand. I picked up a clip and loaded it into the gun. I walked over to the paper targets that were still hanging on the wall in the range. I stood there, still staring at the gun in my hands. Finally, I switched off the safety and looked up at the target. I adjusted my feet and lifted the gun.

The gun felt heavy in my hands. I wasn't used to its weight. I looked at the target and put my feet how he taught me, shoulder width apart. I raised the gun and looked down the sites. I put my finger on the trigger, and squeezed. A loud shot went off and I cringed, stepping backward from the force. The bullet hit the edge of the paper, not even close to the printed target. I looked over to see him smirking at me. He got up from his lounging position against the wall and walked over behind me. Putting his arms on either side of me, he wrapped his hands around mine on the gun. He lifted it and aimed at the target. "The trick is in your breathing." His warm breath tickled as he whispered in my ear. He took a deep breath in, held it, and let it go. When he did it again, I copied him, though my breath was a little shaky. This time when we took a breath, he pulled my finger on the trigger and shot a bullet into the center of the target. He laughed and said, "See? Isn't that fun?" I smirked and said, "I don't know. I think you are enjoying this way more than me." I turned around to see his face turn red slightly from embarrassment. He looked down to see me staring at him and he put on a fake smirk to try to hide his embarrassment. "So, are you going to let me shoot? Or are we just going to stand here and cuddle?"

I pulled the trigger and the bullet went through the middle ring. The memory threatened to consume me again, so I fired again and again and again. I kept firing until the gun ran out of bullets. Then, I dropped the gun and walked over to the middle of the room. There was a line of punching bags and a line of ropes hanging from the ceiling. I went to the nearest punching bag and started hitting. I kept hitting until my hand ached and my breath was ragged.

I gripped the swaying bag and rested my head against it. I caught my breath as a couple tears ran down my cheeks. After a couple minutes, my heart beat evened out and I stopped shaking.

I took one final breath before letting go of the bag and walking over to where I had dropped my gun earlier. I picked it up and walked back over to the rack of weapons. I stood in front of the table looking at the gun in my hands. I ran my thumb over it. Then, I reached over and picked up a new clip before loading it into the gun and switching on the safety. I slid it into the back of my pants. My jacket was too short to cover it, though, so I pulled my tank top over it.

I took one more look around the room before shutting off the lights and walking back to the elevator.

"What happened yesterday?" Lovette asked, staring at me with a worried expression on her face as she sat down on my desk.

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to act confused. I pushed my long hair out of my eyes and adjusted my leather jacket. I was the only agent that didn't wear business suits. I always wore my combat boots, skinny jeans, a tank top, and my leather jacket while everyone else wore button up white collared shirts, slacks, and blazers.

"Stop bull shitting me, you know exactly what I mean." Lovette was the only agent that could see passed my charade. I looked back down at the paperwork I was filling out from the last case.

"I just wasn't feeling good," I defended. She looked like she didn't believe me, but then the rest of the agents came in.

I stood up from my cubicle and walked over to where everyone else was sitting down at the table. I took my usual spot on the counter as Ezra walked out of her office.

"Good morning agents. Rylan, I'm surprised to see you today. I thought I said you could take the day off?" Ezra said as she sat down at the head of the table.

"You did," I said simply.

"Well then, Victoria, would you care to start the meeting?" Ezra asked, turning to look at Victoria.

"Yes ma'am!" Victoria said cheerfully. Victoria stood up and started talking. It was much too boring for me and I found myself watching Owen sleeping in his cage. His even breathing was surprisingly relaxing.

I was deep in my thoughts when I heard the front doors slide open. Victoria stopped talking and I looked up, expecting to see Aria, even though she already delivered today's pie.

"Who's that? He's handsome," Victoria commented.

When I saw who it was, my eyes widened in shock and my mouth fell open. I gasped, "No..."

I jumped up from my lounging position on the counter. As I landed, I pulled my gun out from where it was tucked into the back of my pants. I clicked the safety off and cocked it before taking aim.

"How did you get in here?" I asked, my voice not shaking despite how much the rest of me was.

"Through the door," he said, speaking like I was a little kid who didn't understand simple concepts.

"No shit, Sherlock. I meant how did you get passed the hand print scan, retinal scan, and the identity scan?"

"Logan let me in," he said simply.

"Of course he did," I muttered darkly.

"So, are you going to lower the gun?"

"Nope. Why are you here?"

"Can't a guy just stop by to say hello without an interrogation and the possibility of death?" he asked.

"Of course you can. It was just unexpected, that's all," Ezra said, standing from her seat at the table. To be honest, I had forgotten everyone else was there.

When I didn't lower my gun, Ezra took a step forward and put a hand on my shoulder. "Why don't you put the gun down, Lovey?"

Not moving my eyes from him, I said, "I'll put my gun down when he leaves."

"Way to make a guy feel welcome, Jay," he said.

I scowled at the use of the old nickname. Ezra squeezed my shoulder again and I lowered the gun, but didn't change my offensive stance.

Ezra walked forward and embraced him in a hug. "It's good to see you," she said with a small smile.

"You too, Ezra," he said with a returning smile. He turned from

Ezra and looked at me with a smirk on his face. "Lovey Rylan. It has been far too long. It is very good to see you."

"Finn Steele. I'm afraid the feelings aren't mutual," I stated dryly.