Our Fate

I don't know how many years have passed. It's about him, my late husband. He's not here anymore. Leaving us, in this world. It's hard. I know. But reality hurts.

I don't know what I did wrong. What I lacks. Am I just too boring. I just can't find my fault here.

We met at company dinner. He's a head department at the company. Both of us is from different department.

He is the one who hit on me first. Eventually, we hit off right away. After being friend for half a year, he suddenly asked me to be his girlfriend.

Our feeling is mutual. I like him at first sight. But too scared to go further our relationship. Scared I'm the one who feel this way. So, when he finally confessed, I agreed to it right away.

After a year of dating, he finally proposes for marriage. I can't help myself. I love him. So I agreed.

Our marriage life is like any other couple. We try to take thing slow. A misunderstanding between both of us is normal. But we talked about it. So the fight didn't take a long time.

We were happy. But look at me now. I'm alone. No, I'm not alone. I have my son with me. My ex husband didn't know about it.

I just knew about my pregnancy after I sign the papers and he take it with him. Since he's happy now.. I don't want my baby to have any relationship with him. And he also can't know about my son.

When we were dating, we will have lunch together. All the staff at the company knew about our relationship. And we start to living together at the second month of our relationship.

After a month of marriage, we had lunch with each other's departments. Since he's from different department. But out relationship have no problem at all. We just agreed to have dinner together at home.

Cuddling and make love is our routine. We never had enough of each other. But what did I do wrong? I gave all my love to him. My body and soul. But he didn't notice it.

One day, he told me. He met his ex-girlfriend. They had known each other since they were young. But end their relationship because the girl need to get married with another man her parents arranged. But their marriage didn't last long. She is a single mother now. She is working at the cafe near our company.

My husband told me, they exchanged number with each other. Since then, he had been holding his phone all day. I know I'm stupid to hold the marriage. But I had to. I love him. And he is honest too. He told me that they got in touch back together. So I don't have a reason to hate him.

After a month of their first encounter, my husband suddenly told me to get back home by my own. He used to drive me. But then, I need to drive by myself. He said he will have an overtime since our company have a big project coming on.

I trust him. The next day, he bring me out. We had a date like we used to. There's nothing different in our date. He's treating me like usual. Loving and caring.

After our date, we got home. Suddenly his phone rang. He looked at the caller and excuse himself. He used to answer the call in front of me while we cuddling. But not now. I'm wondering, who's the caller?

But I know, I just try to convince myself. It's probably that girl. I feel pity for her too. But, her husband cheat on her. Do she have to make my husband cheat on me too?

I try to talk about it to him. But he just got angry at me. When I'm sulking, he will coax me with sweet words. I'm easy. I accept his apology right away. I'm not sure I'm that easy or an ignorant human.

But I love him.

One day, his friend told me he had been off work on time now. I just nodded. It's weird. I'm home after work. Prepare his dinner but he will be back in the middle of the night.

Didn't he back on time now? Why didn't he be at home? I always sent him a text. Asking his whereabouts. He will just reply at work.

I text his colleagues. His colleagues said he's not at the office. I just keep quiet about it.

There's a woman's scent at his work attire. And he will be home with his shirt crippled all over. I know what he is doing behind me. But I just shook it off.

It's all because I love him. I will wait for his explanation. But no. He never said anything to me.

I look at myself in the mirror. Thinking, am I too ugly for his liking after staying together for more than a year? Is he already get bored living with me?

But, didn't he and his ex-girlfriend been together for a long time? Didn't he get bored too being with her?

I spend my fortune buying skincare and makeup. Buying some sexy lingerie to seduce him. Me buying the lingerie works. But while we're making love, he accidentally let out that girl's name.

While he's having his orgasms, my mind is not there anymore. He didn't notice his mistakes and just sleep after our love making. Or should I said, his only love making with his imaginary ex-girlfriend.

I cried silently. I'm tired. Too tired. I decided. I need to let him go. He's not thinking about me anymore. He didn't care about me anymore. There's no us in his life anymore.

Finally, I took a courage. I face him. And told him I want a divorce. I gave him the paper that I already sign. He took it.

He asked me if I'm serious. I said I'm serious. I didn't let out any tears on my face when I confront him.

He finally told me everything. He always love her. His long last ex-girlfriend. Or should I say, his only soul.

I asked. Why did he marry me if he still love her. He just told me. To move on. He believe if he is with me, he will eventually forget about her. But no. When they meet, he suddenly forgot about my existence.

I hold my tears hearing his answer. I asked him again. Did he ever fall in love with me?

His answer is simple. No. But he tried. Then reality hit me. He never said the love word to me. It's always me.

I finally knew, it's me who is between them. They love each other. So what am I holding the marriage for?

I told him, I love him. But he just said sorry to me. He used me. To forget about her. I gave up. I asked for a goodbye kiss.

When our lips almost touch, suddenly his phone rang. He stopped and look at the caller. It's that girl. I cursed. Silently. Her daughter is having a fever and asked him to sent them to the hospital.

He took the signed paper and take a step to leave the house. I look at his figure. Hoping he will look back and tear off the paper.

But no. He just leave me. Alone. He is in hurry anyway. He also forgot about our goodbye kiss. His lovely girl calling for him. I finally broke down in tears. He don't care anymore.

I hope he notice how I'm hopelessly crying over him. But that's just my wishful thinking.

I took my luggage. Packed all my clothes and things which I bought with my own pocket money. I am ready. Ready to leave.

I look around the house for the last time. It still feels like a dream. Living here happily. Make love at every corner of the house. But now, look at this house. It feels empty. There's no laugh anymore. Just sadness all over.

I took off our wedding ring and the anniversary ring he gave me and put it at the dining table. Goodbye.

I took a week off from the company to calm myself. My family knew about us. My father was so angry with him. But I told him, it's me who asked for it.

Week passed, and I got back to work. My colleagues knew about us. But they didn't ask a thing. They just talk to me normally.

One day, I just randomly update a status at my social media which I rarely surf when we were married. I just posted saying I'm strong woman. Then, my ex-husband leave a comment.

With one of his comment, I start to update more status just for him to notice me. Yes. I need his attention. But after a week, he didn't left any comment.

I know. I'm pathetic. After he stop leaving the comment, I also stop update any status.