My life, my baby

THIS WASN'T HOW February was supposed to be.

'Hey, Kylie!'

Kylie hayes stood as her friend came out of her office but she was unable to return Alora's smile. 'I've just got to go up to maternity to see a patient and then we can.....' Alora didn't finish her statement. Now she was closer she could see that her friend was barely holding it together, Kylie's eyes were brimming with tears, her long curly black hair looked as if she has been whipped up by the wind and she was just a thought breathless, thing as if she's been running. it quickly became clear to Alora that Kylie was not here for the Royal for their shopping date.

She wasn't.

Kylie has walked out of their antenatal appointment at the hospital where she worked and, like a homing cookies, had taken the underground to the Royal, where Alora was an obstetrics registrar. She has sat in panicked silence on the tube and, despite being five months pregnant and wearing a maxi dress and sandals, she has been one of those people up the escalator rather than standing and letting it take them to the top.

You are not here for our shopping date, are you?'

Alora checked, and Kylie uncertainly recalled a date that they had made a couple of weeks ago. They were both supposed to finish at four today and the plan had been to hit the shops, given that kylie would know by now if she was having a baby girl or boy.

They had all planned it - they were going to head off for a late afternoon tea and kylie would reveal the sex of her baby. Then they would shop for baby things in the appropriate colours and choose shoes for Kylie and Jamal's wedding, which was just over seven weeks away.

That was how it was persumed to be.

This was how it was.

'You know how we discussed keeping things separate, remember?' Kylie felt as if her voice didn't belong to her as she spoke to her closet friend. 'Can I change my mind about that?'

And, because she and Alora has been friends since way back in University, and medical school she didn't have to explain what she meant.

'Of course, you can,' Alora said battling the feeling of fear. 'Let's go into my office.'

When Kylie had find out that she was carrying a baby she had discussed with her family doctor, and also her fiance, the potential downfall of having your closet friend as your obstetrician.

Against her own wishes, an esteemed colleague of Jamal's was now overseeing her pregnancy.

She has walked out on both of them today.

Now Kylie walked into her friend's office on shaky legs frightened and, for the first time as Alora's patient, took a seat, wondering how best to explain what has been going on in her life. The past four weeks she had dodged speaking with Alora as best as she could.

Alora poured her a glass of juice and kylie took a long drink as her friend waited patiently. At last she caught her breath enough for her to speak.

' I had an ultrasound a couple of weeks ago,' she started. There were some disturbing issues.... I know I could have spoken to you but Jamal wanted to wait for all the test results to be out before we told anyone. If we told anyone.....' Tears were now flowing thick and fast but she has run out of sobs and so was able to continue. ' The results are not good, Alora. They are not good at all, very bad. I had an amnio and my baby has EDWARDS SYNDROME....' Kylie explained further full form Edwards syndrome.'

She looked at her friend and saw Alora small swallow as she took in the diagnosis.

'What does Jamal say, what does he think about all of this?'

Not only had Kylie found out her baby was terribly sick, but also in these past four weeks her relationship had crumbled.

'Jamal says that it's not part of the plan.....well, he didn't have the guts to say it like that. He said that as a paediatrician he knows better than most what the baby would be up against and what we'd up against, the anomalies are very terrible. That there is really isn't much hope that it will survive the birth and if it does it's likely to live only for a few hours.' Her voice was starting to rise. 'He says that it's not our fault, that we've every chance of a healthy baby and so we should put it behind us and try again....' Kylie eyes flashed in anger and lightly kicked the table with her leg. 'He's a paediatrician for God's sake and he wants me to have a late abortion.....'

'What do you want, right now Kylie? Her friend gently broke in. 'Do you know even know what you want?'

' A healthy baby.'

Alora just looked.

And that's not going to happen,' Kylie said.

Finally she had accepted it.

She sat there in silence. It was the first glimpse of peace she had had in four weeks, since the first ultrasound, at Jamal's strong suggestion, they had kept the findings to themselves and so she had been holding it all in -Somehow working as an emergency registrar, as well as carrying on with their wedding plans and doing her best to avoid catching up with Alora.

At first Kylie had woken up in tears and fear for her baby each morning. Today, though, she had woken in anger and, looking at the back of her fiancé's head and seeing him deeply asleep, instead of waiting for him to wake up, she had dug him in the ribs.

'What's wrong?' Jamal had turned to her in rage and she has told him they were done. That even if, by some miracle, the amnio came back as normal today, there was nothing left of them.

The amnio hadn't come back as normal.

Kylie had known that it wouldn't; she'd seen the ultrasound and nothing could magic the problems away.

It had been confirmation, that was all.

Now Alora gave her the gift of a pause and cat sat, feeling the little kicks of her baby inside her as well as the rapid thud of her own heart. Finally both of them settled down as she came to a decision she had been reaching towards since the news has first hit.

'I understand that it's different for everyone. Maybe if I'd found out sooner I'd have had a termination.' She truly didn't know what she might have done then; she could only deal with her feelings now. 'I'm five months pregnant. I know it's a boy and I can feel him move. He's moving right now.' She put a hand on her stomach and felt him, in there, alive and safe. 'Jamal keeps saying it would be kinder but I'm starting to wonder, kinder for whom.

Alora was patient and kylie waited as she rang through to the hospital where kylie was been seen and all the results were transferred.

Alora went through them carefully.

And she didn't leave it there; instead, she made a phone call to a colleague and kylie underwent another ultrasound.

Her baby was imperfect, from his too- little head to his tiny curved feet, but all kylie could see was her son.

Gently Alora told her that the condition was very severe, as she'd been told, and she concurred that if should the baby survived birth he would only live for a few hours.

'I want whatever time I have with him, as long as I can be with him; Kylie said

'I'II will be there with you, you know I'm always there for you,' Alora said. 'Jamal might -

' I'm not discussing this further with Jamal,' Kylie said. 'I'll tell him what I've decided and it's up to him what he does, but as a couple we are finished,'

' Calm down, you don't have to make any rash decisions about your relationship. It's a lot for any couple to take in.....'

'We're not a couple anymore,' Kylie said. 'I told him that this morning - as soon as things started to go wrong with the pregnancy, even before things went wrong, I felt as if I didn't have a voice. Well I do, and I'm having my baby.'

'Are you sure about this?'

'I've never been sure, I'm having this baby Alora?' Kylie smiled and rubbed her stomach with her palm.

It was a long month, a difficult month but a very precious one.

Kylie cancelled the wedding while knowing fully well she will soon be arranging a funeral but she pushed that thought aside as best she could.

Her parents were little help. Her mother agreed with Jamal,' her father just disappeared into his study if ever kylie came around. But she had Eric, her brother, who cleared out all her things from Jamal's house.

He didn't hit him, much to Kylie's relief.

Almost though!

And of course, she had Alora.

At the end of the February and at twenty five weeks gestitation kylie went into spontaneous labour and Alora delivered her a little son. Thomas Eric Hayes. Thomas because she loved the name. Eric, after her brother. Hayes because it was her surname.

Kylie would treasure every minute of the two precious days and one night that Thomas lived.

Most of them.

His severe cleft palate meant she couldn't feed him, though she ached to. She would never get out of her mind the image of her mother's grimace when she'd seen her grandson and his deformities -Kylie had asked her to leave.

For two days she had locked the door to her room on the maternity ward and had let only love enter.

Her brother, Alora and her new boyfriend, Miguel, a couple of other life long friends, along with the medical staffs helped her care for him- and all played their part.

When Kylie had no choice but to sleep, Eric, Alora or Miguel nursed him and Thomas wasn't once, apart from having his nappy changed, put down.

His whole life Thomas knew only love.

After the funeral, when her parents and some other family members had tried to tell that maybe Thomas's passing was a blessing, it was Alora who held Kylie's hand as she bit back a caustic response.

Instead of doing as suggested and putting it all behind her and attempting a new normal, Kylie took all her maternity leave and hid for a while to grieve for her son. But as her return- to- work date approached she felt less and less and less inclined to go back, especially as Jamal still worked there.

She applied for a position in the accident and emergency department at the Royal, where her baby had been born and where Alora worked.

Five months to the day that she'd lost her son kylie stepped back out into the world .... only, she wasn't the same.

Instead, she was a far tougher version of her old self.

Ten years later

'YOU'RE FAR TOO skeptical about men, Kylie.'

'I don't think that I am,' Kylie answered, 'though admittedly I'd love to be proven wrong. But, no, I'm taking a full year off men.'

Kylie was busy packing. Just out of the shower she was wearing a dressing gown and her long, curly black hair was wrapped in a towel. As she pulled clothes out of her wardrobe she chatted to her close friend Alora, who was lying on Kylie's bed and answering emails on her phone.

They were two very busy women but they usually managed to catch up a couple of times a week, whether at the hospital canteen, a coffee shop, wine bar, clothing shop or just a quick drop- in at the other's home.

This evening Kylie was heading to Madrid for an international emergency medicine conference, where she was going to be giving a talk the following morning. Kylie had got off early from her shift at the hospital to pack and Alora had popped around to finalise a few details for the following weekend. Alora and Miguel's twin boys, Alex and Jaden, were being Christened and kylie was to be godmother to Alex.

They were used to catching up on the run. Any plans they made were all too often cancelled at the last minute thanks to Kylie's position as an accident and emergency consultant and Alora bluffing being a mother to two eighteen- month- old boys as well as a full- time obstetrician.

Their lives were similar in many ways and very different in others.

'So you and Rick have definitely broken up?' Alora checked that Kylie's latest relationship was really over.

'He's been gone for a month, so I say so!'

'You're not even going to think about it?'

'Why would I consider moving to Yorkshire when I'm happy here?'

'Because that's what couples do.'

'Oh, so if Miguel suddenly decided that he wanted to move to...' Kylie thought for a second and remembered that Miguel was taking French lessons. 'If he wanted to move to France, You're telling me that you'd go?'

'Not without thinking,' Alora said. 'Given that I'm the breadwinner of the family there would have to be a good reason, but if Miguel really wanted to, then, of course I'd give it some thought. Relationship are about compromise.'

'And it's always the woman who has to be the one to compromise,' Kylie said, but Alora shook her head.

'I don't agree.'

'You've never played the dating game in your thirties.'

'Yes, I have-Miguel and I only married last year.'

'Ah, but the two of you had been going out forever before then. It's different at our age, Alora. Men might say that they don't mind independent working women and, of course, they don't -just as long as you're home before them and have the dinner on.

Nonsense!' Alora responded from her happily married vantage point. 'Look at Miguel- I work, he gave up teaching and stays home and looks after the children, and the house and me...'

'Yes, you are lucky.' Kylie smiled. 'Well you and Miguel are a very rare expection to my well - proven theory.'

' You're right, I'm really lucky,' Alora laughed.

Then Alora suddenly remembered that she had other things to do on her mind when she saw what Kylie was about to add to her case.

'Please don't take them,' Alora said. referring to Kylie's running shoes. 'They're ugly.'

'They're practical,' Kylie said. 'And they are also very comfortable. I'm hoping to squeeze in a little once the conference closes. There's a modern art museum, hopefully I will get some inspiration for this room...'

She looked around at the disgusting beige walls, carpet and curtains and wished she knew what to do with the room.

Alora got off the bed and went to Kylie's wardrobe and took out some espadrilles.

Take these instead.'

'For walking?'

'Yes, kylie, for walking, not striding ...' She peered into her friend's luggage. 'Talk about shades of grey -that's the saddest case I've ever seen. you're going to Spain!'

I'm going to Spain for two nights to catch the end of a conference. I'm not going on a holiday. I shan't even see the beach,' Kylie pointed out. 'I wish that I was flying off for a holiday,' she said. and then sat on the bed.

'I hate February so much.'

'I know you do.'

It had been ten years since Thomas died.

She didn't lug her grief around all the time but on days like today hurt. Alora smiled as her friend went into her bedside drawer and took out his photo. Kylie kept it in there,' it was close enough that she could look at it any time and removed enough not to move her to tears. The drawer also meant she didn't have to explain the most vital piece of her past lovers until she was ready to.

She simply found it too painful.

'Rick also asked how likely I was to have another baby like him,' Kylie admitted. It was what had really caused the end of her relationship. ' I told him about Thomas and then I showed him his photo...'

'He's not a doctor, Kylie,' Alora said. it's a normal

question to ask. it's one you've asked.'

'I know that. It was more the way...' She was so sensitive to people's reaction when they saw her son but she smiled when Alora spoke on.

'I loved how he smiled if you touch his little feet,' Alora said, and her words confirmed to Kylie that she was very blessed to have such a wonderful friend. He's so beauitful.'

He was.

Not to others perhaps but they had both seen his lovely eyes and felt his little fingers curve around theirs and they had felt his soft skin and heard his cries.

And that was the hardest part.

It was late February and she'd be away on those days.

The day of Thomas's birth and also the day he had died.

'Should I take this photo with me?' Kylie asked, and Alora thought for a moment.

'I don't think you need this photo to remember him,' she said.

'But I feel guilty living him in the drawer.'

'Then leave him with me, then,' Alora said. 'I'II have a long gaze.'

Yes, she had the very best friend in the world, Kylie thought as she handed over her most precious possession, and because she was going to start crying Kylie changed the subject. 'Hey, did you have any luck tracking down that dress for christening?'

'Nope.'

Alora shook her head as she put the photo in her bag. 'I knew that I should have just bought it when I saw it. It was perfect.'

'It was very nice, but ...' Kylie didn't continue. A white broderie anglaise halter-neck with a flowing skirt was a bit over the top for Kylie's tastes but, then, that was Alora.

And this was her.

She pulled on some white linen pants and a coloured top and added the espadrilles.

'Am I girlie enough for you now?'

'You look great.' Alora laughed. 'It's once you get there that worries me. With those clothes you'll just blend in with all the others...'

'Which is exactly my intention,' Kylie said. ' I have to go soon.'

'But your flight's not until nine.'

'I know but I've booked in to get my hair blow-dried on the way.'

Her long black curls would be straightened, just as they were twice a week. Kylie always washed it herself before she went to the hairdresser's, though.

It saved time.

They headed downstairs, chatting as Kylie did a few last minute things. 'You are speaking in the morning?' Alora checked.

At nine.' Kylie agreed. 'I'd have loved to have flown last night but I couldn't get away. Hamish isn't back till tomorrow and Mike is covering for me this weekend. Same old. It would have been nice to stay for a few days in Madrid.

'Are you ever going to take some time off?

' I'm off in October for three weeks.' Kylie smiled. 'My exams will be done and I'm going to celebrate by decorating my bedroom. I can't wait to turn it into something that doesn't make me want to sleep downstairs on the sofa.'

'You've done an amazing job with the house.'

Last year, after a year of looking, Kylie had bought a small two- bedroom home in a leafy London suburb. It was twenty minute drive to work at night, which meant, if Kylie was on call, that she had to stay at the hospital. Yes, perhaps she could have bought somewhere just a little bit closer but the drive did mean that when she left the hospital, she really left the building.

Here, she could pull on tatty shorts and a T-shirt and get on with her second love-Knocking down walls, plastering and painting. The house had been a real renovator's delight and kylie had delighted in renovating it.

The ghastly purple carpet had been ripped up to expose floorboards that, once sanded and oiled, brought a warmth to the house. A false wall in the lounge had been removed to reveal a fireplace and the once -purple - themed bathroom was now tiled white with dark wood fittings and had a gorgeous claw - foot bath.

'Will you sell it once you've decorated the bedroom?'

'I really don't know,' Kylie admitted, tipping milk down the sink. ' Initially that was the plan, but now I love the place and want to simply enjoy it, but...'

'But?'

'I've really enjoyed doing it up bit by bit. I'm going to miss that.'

'After your bedroom you've still got the garden to make over.'

Oh, no!' Kylie shook her head. 'I'll get someone in to do that.'

As they headed out, Kylie locked up and Alora looked at the small front garden.

'It's the size of a stamp,' Alora pointed out. There was just rickety path and two neglected flower beds, and the back garden, Alora knew, was a small strip of grass and an old wooden shed. 'You could have it sorted in a few days...'

'Nope!' Kylie smiled. 'I have black thumbs.'

They said goodbye on the street.

'We'll catch up properly soon,' Kylie promised. Both women knew that they wouldn't get much of a chance to gossip at the christening. 'I'll come over to yours after the conference. I haven't seen the twins for ages. I'll bring them a stuffed horse each back from Spain.'

'Please, don't!' Alora winced and glanced at her phone to check the time. 'ooh, I might make it home in time to give them their bath before bed. Miguel's cooking a romantic dinner for the two of us tonight ...'

'Enjoy Spain,' Alora called. 'You might find yourself some sexy Spanish flamenco dancer or matador...'

'At an emergency medicine conference?' Kylie laughed. ' I don't think there's much chance of that.'

'Well a gorgeous waiter, with come - to - bed and-'

'Oh, please!'

'Why not?' Alora winked. 'If you can't manage a love life, then write down a few flings into that overcrowded diary of yours.'

'There's another conference in Spain the following week that you might want to consider attending,' Kylie in a dry voice. 'Sexual health. You, as an obstetrician, better than anyone must know the perils of casual sex.'

'Of course I do, but sex is healthy.' Alora grinned and then she looked at kylie. She wanted to pick up an imaginary sledgehammer of her own and knock down the wall that had gone up around her friend since her baby's death.

'Do you know what's brilliant about a one-night stand, Kylie?'

'Alora...' Kylie shook her head. She really didn't have time to stand and chat but her friend persisted.

Alora loved to talk about sex! 'He doesn't have to be perfect, you don't have to worry how you might slot into each other's lives and whether he leaves the toilet seat up or is going to support you in your career and all that stuff, because you're not looking for a potential Mr Right. He can be Mr wrong, Mr Bad, Mr Whatever- It- Is - you- Fancy. God, but I miss one -night stands.'

'Does Miguel know your theory?'

'Of course he doesn't.' Alora grinned. 'Miguel still thinks he was my second...' They both laughed.