My Rapist My Lover

I could still remember it clearly, his smell, his touch, his rough hands but the most important thing I needed to remember which was his face was blurry. It happened years ago but it was still clear as a white cat on a burnt grass. I was coming from a party my friend hosted it wasn't really my scene but my friend begged ne to be there and I went not knowing it will be the worst decision I ever made in my life.

My boss brought me back to life banging on my desk oh I was daydreaming again at work I immediately collected myself and asked her if she needed any help, she handed me a pile of documents that needed to be stapled. This is not the life I wanted for myself I was always ambitious I had dreams I wanted to be one of the most successful young businesswomen in our country but I guess God had other plans because here I was running around Mrs Robinston stapling her documents I mean how useless can one

possible be in life. I was a receptionist and that didn't come with any perks except coming tired from all the typing, answering calls and running around from 9AM to 5PM. I always looked forward to my chilled evenings in front of my laptop watching series. I had a new series that I had downloaded at work "how to get away with murder" I mean I worked hard the least they could do is let me use their wi-fi although Mrs Robinston would kill me and bury me on their office garden then plant flowers on top of it. When I got home I defrosted chicken I was running out of groceries I needed to be careful or else by the time my payday arrives

I would be dead of hunger I was planning on cooking it with some salads I was trying to avoid starch I heard it helps when you are trying to lose weight although I wasn't so sure but trying never hurt anyone. I prepared my meal as music was blasting in the background. The knife I was using to cut some cucumbers cut mt finger and already my finger was leaking blood I watched it drop on the floor as soon as it did something triggered my memory.

I begged the guy to stop hurting me I was still a virgin I knew nothing about sex I was never interested but I knew that you had to be wet first before the guy can penetrate you, he forced himself on me I cried but it was meaningless my cries were replaced by sobs silent sobs as he pounded me violently.

I quickly went to the bathroom to try and stop the bleeding after I was done I took the mop and wiped the floor then carried on with my meal. This salad and boiled meat didn't do it for me but I really wanted to lose weight so I had to brace it. I washed the meal with some green tea. I continued with some series.

I was running late as usual this thing of me being late was becoming a habit now I had to rush to the train station just when I was getting nearer there was a commotion and this old lady told me that the trains were delayed oh great just great now I had to go back to the very same rank I passedearlier when I came here I thanked the lady and rushed out of the train station. I looked around and this big car stopped in front of me I might not be the good with cars but I knew that it was called a Fortuner. The driver asked me where was I going I and I told him, I livedin Braamfontein I rented a room there

which had a bathroom so everyday I took a train to work, I worked in the CBD. I thanked my lucky stars and got in the car. He dropped me off by my workplace and sped off I didn't even get to thank him and he didn't introduce himself either well I rushed to my workplace.

"You're so much in trouble" that was my annoying colleague Palesa, she told me that the boss lady wanted to see me.

"Shit!"

"You are swearing" I rolled my eyes at no one in particular because she couldn't see me.

Oh she was still here some annoying person she was, I quickly rushed to the boss lady's office I found her furious, she was a bit exaggerating I was only thirty minutes late okay maybe an hour but what could have possibly gone wrong in an hour what mattered is that I was there breathing I mean that mattered right.

"You are late!" she roared.

"Uhm I can explain ma'am" I was shaking.

To be honest I really had no explanation at all I couldn't possibly tell her that I was watching a series and I overslept.

"This is your first written warning, if you weren't such a hard worker I would have fired you a long time ago"

" I am so sorry it's the last time I do this I promise"

"That's what you said the last time"

"I just i...." I stuttered.

"Take this and consider it as your first written warning and close the door on your way out"

I guess that was my cue to leave. I needed to get hold of my habits if I wanted to keep this job I was lucky enough to get it without any qualification.

YOUR CHILD NEEDS FOOD AND MONEY FOR SCHOOL.

That was a text from my aunt who lived with my son back in KZN, that was a text I always got on my payday even before I got the one notifying me about my salary. I made a mental note to transfer a R1000 which was never enough to her, it's like I had to take care of her too I really needed a better paying job. After reading that text I went back to sleep there was no way I was going to transfer money at at 1AM I still needed my beauty sleep it was a good thing I wasn't working the following day.

I was coming back from the ATM when I noticed this car following me well not really following me but it was like it was watching every move. If I was rich I would think someone was sent to spy on me or something but I really had nothing to offer so that was out of question. I told my friends I was leaving since I didn't feel so good they were occupied so they had no problem I took my coat by the door, since it was really late I rushed hoping no one would attack me I could see home from where I was when this car I didn't see coming stopped right in front of me.

I quickly erased the thought and told myself to breathe in and out surely that incident would never happen again and I mean God can't really hate me that much in such a way that he would continuously send people to attack me. When I got to my place I called my aunt to ask her if she got the money, she picked out almost immediately.

"You know that money is not enough, food is really expensive nowadays surely you know that"

I don't know where she thinks I worked, I needed to survive too I couldn't send her all the money I had.

"I am sorry anti but it's all I can afford right now."

"Awu cha kodwa ke yona ingane idinga okuningi kunalokhu osinika kona iyadla phela lengane"

" I will send more when I can I promise"

Family!

On my way to work the following day I saw the very same car following me but quickly brushed the thought away and rushed to the train station. Luckily this time around I arrived right on time at work and Mrs Robinston was there already you would swear she had no husband or family to take care of she was always the first one to arrive and the last one to leave it was annoying really because shewas always watching us like a hawk nothing never gets past her or so she thought.

During lunchtime Palesa came to me and said that we should go get lunch the girl was trying so hard to be my friend andI was fine on my own but I went with her anyway. She was telling me about how her husband is always working and hardly give her his attention and the kids are always asking about him blah blah I wasn't really interested im rich kid's problem.

"Can you atleast pretend to be interested geez you are so mean."

"Excuse me" I widened my eyes.

"You care about only yourself"

"That's not true" I defended myself although I knew it was true.

"Oh is it? How come no one is friends with you at the office?"

I raised my eyebrow she really thought I cared.

"No, but I know you will tell me why?"

"You are selfish" well not having friends doesn't make one selfish in my vocabulary.

"I think we should go back to work."

"OOOkay" she dragged herself behind me, maybe I was a bitter person.2 Okay this car following me was becoming a habit now I was also scared I mean who would take time out of their busy day just to follow me around. This one afternoon I was coming back from work it was a public holiday which meant half day for us I noticed this white BMW just outside my place it wasn't the same car that used to follow me around so I had no worries I just passed it. I heard someone calling for my name I turned, it was the guy the very same guy that gave me a lift the other day.

"What?"

"I am sorry I caught you on such a dreadful day"

"How can I help you?"

"I need some I..."

"I'm sorry but I'm rushing somewhere" he asked sincerely.

"Can I take you home?" I huffed, I could use some comfortable leather seat rather than those from the train that can make your butt swell in a minute but I didn't trust this guy

"I promise I don't bite"

"Fine" I said as I was going to the passenger seat.

"So, is a this a coincidence"

"What?"

You, here offering to give me a lift"

"Oh, I actually came to finalize a deal"

I raised an eyebrow enquiring him to go on but he kept quiet and drove me to this coffee shop I know it because Mrs Robinston always asks me to get her coffee there it's not my kind of place very expensive.

"I didn't know we were going to a coffee shop"

He smiled a bit but quickly collected himself, it's like he wanted to be this tough guy who doesn't take nonsense.

I thought you would love some coffee"

I looked at him with my eyebrows raised.

"Did you see the sun out? Its scorching hot and besides I don't even like coffee"

He looked hurt by my words, was that harsh? Well I don't like coffee.

"So can you take me to my place?"

"You really don't have to be this cold not everyone is out there to hurt you"

"What?" People really think they have me figured out.

I can see right through you it's like you built this wall around and you don't want anyone to break it"

"So, two seconds around and already you think you have me all figured out wow congrats Mr"

"My name is Sandile"

He said as he stopped in front of my house I was about to get off and it clicked I never showed him where I live I looked at him sternly.

"Sandile how do you know where I live?"

"I like the way you call my name well you showed me where you live"

Mxm it seems like I won't be getting any answers from this Sandile guy I made sure I bang the door when I got off.

My feet up on the coffee table, coffee on one hand and some snacks catching up on some series is what I always look forward to after a crazy afternoon at work. Being a receptionist is not my idea of fun and contentment but what choice did I have. I decided to check on my son he was grow up fast. I needed to go home soon I had avoided them for a long time it was time I went back home. I avoided home because it brought memories I had buried at the back of my head.

As days went by this Sandile guy made sure to be in my face forever, he never takes no for an answer. He took me to this secluded place once for shooting lessons I mean who does that but I have to admit I enjoyed it ever since he has been acting like I am his girlfriend I don't get it because he has taken me out once or twice well maybe five times it doesn't mean we are now dating or friends even because he has never asked me to date him I don't even know what gave him the idea, I can never say no to free food though.

This one morning I found Mrs Robinston all stressed out at work as soon as I made my way in she commanded me to email everyone and notify them about the meeting at 10am, we all knew that whenever she calls a staff meeting there is a problem brewing she never calls for a raise. I emailed everyone and made sure to tell them also when they get to work in case they check their emails too late. We were all scattered in the boardroom everyone asking those next to them what was happening, I was silently praying that I don't get fired if there was one person Mrs Robinston would fire first it would be me I mean I had never been on her best books ever. As soon as she got in we all sat down and kept quiet.

"As you all know that the place hasn't been doing good for the past two years management has decided to close it down, someone has already bought the place and will do whatever they want with it which means that we have no business you will all get your rightful packages. Should anyone have any questions people do come to my office. This will be our last month unless we get a miracle".

We all gasped we did not expect this at all I mean yes, we knew about low profits but we didn't know it was that bad. In a month's time, I will be joble

Okay this car following me was becoming a habit now I was also scared I mean who would take time out of their busy day just to follow me around. This one afternoon I was coming back from work it was a public holiday which meant half day for us I noticed this white BMW just outside my place it wasn't the same car that used to follow me around so I had no worries I just passed it. I heard someone calling for my name I turned, it was the guy the very same guy that gave me a lift the other day.

"What?"

"I am sorry I caught you on such a dreadful day"

"How can I help you?"

"I need some I..."

"I'm sorry but I'm rushing somewhere" he asked sincerely.

"Can I take you home?" I huffed, I could use some comfortable leather seat rather than those from the train that can make your butt swell in a minute but I didn't trust this guy

"I promise I don't bite"

"Fine" I said as I was going to the passenger seat.

"So, is a this a coincidence"

"What?"

You, here offering to give me a lift"

"Oh, I actually came to finalize a deal"

I raised an eyebrow enquiring him to go on but he kept quiet and drove me to this coffee shop I know it because Mrs Robinston always asks me to get her coffee there it's not my kind of place very expensive.

"I didn't know we were going to a coffee shop"

He smiled a bit but quickly collected himself, it's like he wanted to be this tough guy who doesn't take nonsense.

I thought you would love some coffee"

I looked at him with my eyebrows raised.

"Did you see the sun out? Its scorching hot and besides I don't even like coffee"

He looked hurt by my words, was that harsh? Well I don't like coffee.

"So can you take me to my place?"

"You really don't have to be this cold not everyone is out there to hurt you"

"What?" People really think they have me figured out.

I can see right through you it's like you built this wall around and you don't want anyone to break it"

"So, two seconds around and already you think you have me all figured out wow congrats Mr"

"My name is Sandile"

He said as he stopped in front of my house I was about to get off and it clicked I never showed him where I live I looked at him sternly.

"Sandile how do you know where I live?"

"I like the way you call my name well you showed me where you live"

Mxm it seems like I won't be getting any answers from this Sandile guy I made sure I bang the door when I got off.

My feet up on the coffee table, coffee on one hand and some snacks catching up on some series is what I always look forward to after a crazy afternoon at work. Being a receptionist is not my idea of fun and contentment but what choice did I have. I decided to check on my son he was grow up fast. I needed to go home soon I had avoided them for a long time it was time I went back home. I avoided home because it brought memories I had buried at the back of my head.

As days went by this Sandile guy made sure to be in my face forever, he never takes no for an answer. He took me to this secluded place once for shooting lessons I mean who does that but I have to admit I enjoyed it ever since he has been acting like I am his girlfriend I don't get it because he has taken me out once or twice well maybe five times it doesn't mean we are now dating or friends even because he has never asked me to date him I don't even know what gave him the idea, I can never say no to free food though.

This one morning I found Mrs Robinston all stressed out at work as soon as I made my way in she commanded me to email everyone and notify them about the meeting at 10am, we all knew that whenever she calls a staff meeting there is a problem brewing she never calls for a raise. I emailed everyone and made sure to tell them also when they get to work in case they check their emails too late. We were all scattered in the boardroom everyone asking those next to them what was happening, I was silently praying that I don't get fired if there was one person Mrs Robinston would fire first it would be me I mean I had never been on her best books ever. As soon as she got in we all sat down and kept quiet.

"As you all know that the place hasn't been doing good for the past two years management has decided to close it down, someone has already bought the place and will do whatever they want with it which means that we have no business you will all get your rightful packages. Should anyone have any questions people do come to my office. This will be our last month unless we get a miracle".

We all gasped we did not expect this at all I mean yes, we knew about low profits but we didn't know it was that bad. In a month's time, I will be jobless life can really be unpredictable one minute you have it all well not really have it but surviving and the next you have nothing. Yes, I did not have the best job in the world but I was content.

As much as I did not want to I found my self calling Sandile I mean he is the only person whoever showed interest in me and so I regarded him as my friend because well I'm a loner.

"Why, what happened?" he asked me after I told him that I was jobless I then explained the whole thing to him and he listened attentively.

"I am sure the buyer will turn the place around but he could at least think of our jobs"

"But your manager sold the place" how did he know that.

"Sandile how did you know she sold the place?"

"Because I am the buyer!"

It's been a month since Sandile bought the place he offered me a job but my pride wouldn't let me take it. I had decided to go home for few days just to clear my head I was worried about the next chapter of my life I really didn't know what it had im store for me but I could tell that I was on a road to struggle and poverty. Also, I had a son to think of in whatever I do I wanted my son to have everything I ever wanted as a child with me having no job meant he will not go to a private school as I had wanted to. His father, that is a story for another day.

I am squashed in a taxi backseat with three huge ladies who have been eating since the taxi took off if I had a choice I would have taken a bus but I decided on a last minute that I was going home. Sandile will find an empty house when he comes to my place he really has helped me over the past two months after I lost my job I even agreed to be his girlfriend for the benefits not that I loved him, I hope he finds someone who loves him as he deserves to be loved he is such a kind person just not for me. I found myself smiling thinking about him, could that be love. Not! I enjoyed his company that's all.

I got to my home town Mandeni around about 5am I called my drunkard of a cousin to come and fetch me I knew he was still coming from a party now or accompanying his "one night stand". He picked up almost immediately and told me he would be there in a few minutes. My aunt had just woken up sweeping the yard that's what she does every morning before she can do anything at all. She stopped what she was doing and looked at me as I made my way to the house.

"Ngiyathemba awuxoshiwe njalo" she just had to. (Let's hope you're not fired)

"Morning, I am really tired can we talk after I wake up"

She just looked at me then shook her head not thatI blamed her I was known to be the troublesome one in the family. I dragged my suitcase to the house amd took it to my room. My son was still sleeping I was going to see him when I wake up.

My name is Minenhle Zuma I was born and bred in a small town called Mandeni in KwaZulu-Natal. I am the only child from my mother's womb she died while giving birth to me. My father is somewhere in our location he drinks day in and day out he is just useless, he always asks for R10 when he sees me. My aunt took me in she had no choice really. At the age of 16 I was raped but I never told anyone about it that is how I conceived my son, I did not tell anyone because I was ashamed I thought maybe there was something wrong with me that made provoke the guy. It must have

something I was wearing since I liked short things and I was half drunk since I was coming from a party. Till this day I don't remember the face of the guy who raped me my mind must have blocked it to protect me. At first, I didn't love my child he was a constant reminder of what happened but as time went on I grew fond of him he loved me tirelessly, he showed me love I never got I connected to him in a way

I can never connect to anyone. I made a vow to live for him.

At the age of 18 I passed my grade 12 at that time my son was 2 years old, my results were not that good so I was luckily accepted at MUT to do Diploma in HR which I dropped out on second year since I had no financial means of carrying on so I had to that is love I ended up in Joburg earning peanuts.

I woke up to find my son playing with my eyes trying to open them, I smiled and woke up.

Look at you all grown" I said tickling him he laughed while trying to hide his face he was still shy even at 6 years old. I decided to wake up anyway it was round about 3pm. Lihle was following me around, it's like he was scared that I was going to disappear well I last saw him 2 years ago I don't blame him. My aunt gave me my food and told me to do the dishes after I was done even at 21 years I was still ordered around like I was some child.

"You will cook supper for the whole family"

I agreed well it's not like she was asking me, well my aunt is strict and rude at times we don't really get along but we love each other if you get what I mean. She raised me I will forever be grateful for that.

This place is always crowded I woke up very early just so I can do everything I want peacefully but here I am stuck in this queue it doesn't help that it is two days before Christmas I always do Christmas shopping late. A tap on my shoulder. Okay it's probably someone who wants to pass by. Another tap. Can't a person just talk like normal people instead of poking my arm. I turn with the meanest face and stunned to find the most handsome dark soul on Earth, I didn't know we had those in Africa. Jokes, but Mandeni is the last place you would expect to find a handsome guy like that.

"Sawubona"

Okay he speaks Zulu. Well of course he speaks Zulu he is in Mandeni after all.

"This line is moving really slow"

I was starring, I flushed embarrassed.

"Yeah it is"

"Monde"

He says with his hand out for a handshake.

"Minenhle"

"Beautiful name for a beautiful lady"

Next customer please! That is my cue I am out of here. I rush to the till hoping he won't follow me.

"Can I atleast get your number

This handsome fool followed me and these plastics are heavy. Did he really have to see me in this all sweating and panting with six plastics three in one hand and the other 3 on one hand with 20th century jeans. I put the plastics down and turn to look at him.

"Let me help you with those plastics"

"No, I'm fine really"

He looks at my hands still carrying two plastics and smirks.

"I insist"

Well I could do with some little help around here.

He takes the rest of the plastics and follows me to the... no wait this is not the way to the rank it goes to the parking lot.

"I offered to help with the plastics"

"Sorry uhm Monde but I don't have a car"

"I know"

"Where are we going then this is definitely not the route to the rank"

"Well I'm taking you home"

He says that as he puts the plastics in the boot.

"Please giveme directions to your house"

He says as he starts the car, this is some machine he is driving I'm sure everyone at the place I live at will be looking at me I will surely be the talk of the day. Not that I mind.

"So, tell me about yourself"

I hate this question. The way I get so blank when someone asks me this question I forget my name even.

"There is nothing to tell really, my life is not that interesting"

"I did not ask you to tell me an interesting story, I just asked you to tell me about yourself"

Commanding much. Well were do I start.

"From the start"

He said that as if he read my mind

"It was a rainy morning as my aunt puts it when my mother experienced some intense pains they knew I was on my way(I smiled thinking about it) but fortunately my mother died immediately after I was born after that things took a wrong turn till this day"

"Oh, I'm sorry about your mother but that is a really summarised version" he said raising an eyebrow with a smile I guess to make me comfortable.

"Well I grew up knowing my aunt as my mother but as I grew older I learnt that she wasn't I found a diary. At the age of 16 I was raped I gave birth to my gorgeous son whom

I love so much( his facial expression changed after I mentioned the rape part) a lot has been happening my life I recently lost my job so yeah that is me"

I have never opened to anyone about my life like that I don't know what I felt at that moment but it felt like a relief, like a massive load has been lifted off my shoulder. He held my gaze for a moment.

"Minenhle that is not the way you should describe yourself but thank you"

For opening up to me Oh"

Honestly, I don't know what to say I was really an awkward person especially around a guy Sandile once said this. Why am I thinking about Sandile now?

Christmas at Mandeni is a big deal for kids as they go around wearing new clothes enjoying themselves however this year was different. I was invited by Monde for family lunch at his house, normally I wouldn't have agreed to come but this was Monde we were talking about. How can I say no to him? I woke up early so that I can cook lunch before I leave as much as my aunt wouldn't

say but I knew she appreciated me being here. Lihle woke up soon after me he was one early bird I guess the Christmas excitosis was getting to him. He kept his clothes beneath his pillow after fitting them he couldn't let them out of his sight. It didn't help me that I had lost my job, it pained me just thinking about it. Most people are eager for a new year but I was dreading it I really

wasn't looking forward to it. I decided to but Lihle's uniform with his Christmas clothes and saved money for the fees I was going to worry about other things later. Chronicles of being a single mother come to think about it I should write a book that I'm sure it would be interesting even. For now, let me enjoy Christmas seriously I don't understand why people fuss about Christmas really to me it just any day except it's a day whereby people waste money and food.

Monde arrived later he looked rather dashing while I looked average I was wearing a dress that is just below the knees and with heels that my cousin lent me I don't own any pair of heels I think it's high time I shop for new thing if I'm going to be invited to Christmas lunches occasionally.

We arrived at this gigantic homestead which had several houses it was like there are many homes in one home I'm not sure that makes sense. There was a security guy at their gate I didn't understand exactly how rich the guy was I mean who in their right mind build such a big homestead having not been married. I'm saying this because I didn't see any ring in his finger so I'm assuming his not married.

"Exactly how rich are you" I asked as we exited the car.

"I'm not rich" he said smirking

"If you say so"

"Welcome to my home, I hope you won't be intimidated by my family" I raised my eyebrow

"Your family?" he laughed

"Yes, my family Minenhle why do you think I brought you here" Oh no!

Why didn't I think of this before I really thought it was going to be the two of us maybe not the two of us but I didn't think he was going to bring the whole family here. A very vibrant lady came out of the house.

"Hi!"

She was smiling widely; her smile was contagious I couldn't help but smile too.

"Oh my God you are so beautiful"

Most people always say that when they see me me but I didn't believe them I didn't feel beautiful.

"Okay sis calm down"

He took me in and led me to the biggest house of them all.

"You are late"

One of the men in the table who really looked like Monde said that. There was two of them and the energetic lady who greeted us earlier she got in and kissed the guy who spoke I guessed she was the wife or girlfriend. You could tell that she wanted so much to fit in the family.