My Light, My Only Hope

I tried to hold on as I saw the ground move closer and closer to my face as if in slow motion, but my arms had become useless, and then a sickening crackle stirred in the air. I hissed, an animalistic sound escaping my lips as a jolt of pain shifted from my outer to my insides; I desperately wanted to fight back - but I knew that would draw too much attention to my body. So I lay down, as I had so many times before, and a group of girls surrounded me with disgusting smiles on their faces. They all hated retards, they said - they all hated me.

And though I hated them too, I didn't lift a finger against them. I knew I shouldn't. So I didn't.

A kick to my ribs sent a scream over my bleeding lips, and my watery eyes widened as I tried to escape the pain. My thoughts, though battered, were clear as day. I had either ripped open the earlier wounds or they were swelling again. My head ached, and I silently wondered if there was a sedative lying around somewhere that I could take to keep from feeling all the pain inside me.

The leader of the gang, a girl, frowned and kept calling me rough as they kicked and stabbed and laughed. I fought the urge to cry; after so long, those words still burned a hot piece of wool inside me, making me feel like useless stuff walking around in the world when it shouldn't. They called me evil, cursed by God and the devil, a strange piece of shit who shouldn't even be alive - they called me everything they could think of.

There were about seven of them. Even with the blood in my eyes, I could only see the figures blurry, but I could hear them better. Every time I got hit, my eyesight was taken, but my hearing was still fine - it was the best I had.

I felt another metal shoe under my hip. I screamed in fear for my life as the others hit me in the ribs, but there was nothing I could do, nothing I could use against them to protect myself. I had nothing; there was nothing that could have protected me. Money, I had none. Friends, I had none. Allies, no one would even think of it; in high school I was considered a curiosity because I believed being mute wasn't the same as being human. The power, I had it, but I didn't use it - and now I'm sure with all the injuries I couldn't use it either if I tried. The anger I had, but there was nothing to let it out with. I was literally and figuratively alone in the face of all those hateful and disgusted stares.

And it was awful. My only crime was that I couldn't speak. They avoided me like the plague, maybe they thought my silence was contagious, they allowed these girls to beat me up because they thought I probably deserved it; no one was looking for a teacher, maybe it was better that way because these girls were real bullies. So I was alone and abandoned.

"Your parents created a fucking monster... Bitch, it's like you're ruining the world..." scolded the boss. Everyone else showed their approval by courting each other or something, and I was left alone with my whining. That hurt. Really, really hurt - it hurt a lot. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die and never come back. But I knew I couldn't. They wouldn't be able to bully me anymore, and those idiots would find other helpless innocents to beat up. Sometimes life wasn't fair.

"God, you piss me off..." One of the others growled. Cook let out a hysterical laugh. It showed she was fine. »

I felt another hard kick and a few harder kicks before they had enough of me. One spat on me, then another, then the other six or seven, and when they were done, my face was covered with their sticky, disgusting saliva. I wanted to vomit, oh how I wanted to, but I could not. It would hurt my stomach. Then footsteps came, hopefully far, far away, and their voices carried them away from the basketball court. When their voices had completely stopped, I waited a few more minutes before trying to move.

The floor was cold anyway. It would help my wounds.

A scowl and a cough escaped my bruised lips, sending my scratchy throat into a new whirlpool of pain. A little blood splattered onto the floor from that, too, and I had to wonder how the hell I'd managed to bite the inside of my mouth so hard that it bled so much. Carefully, I pressed myself against the wall, making sure my breathing was slow and shallow and my stomach was not on the floor. My hands were shaking as I did this. At least the wall was cool - a good feeling for my bruised cheek and aching mind.

The world around me was quiet and I was glad for it. After my public punishment, everyone returned to the school buildings in a silence that suggested nothing had ever been there.

No one came to inquire about my condition or to call emergency services. They all left the training ground without a sound and that was good. The sounds would only hurt me. I would not like that at all. My head was already hurting and my bones were already shaking - I was broken in the middle of this immoral school. I had no idea how I was going to get home or what I was going to say to my sister - or if I even would. Usually they did not hit me that hard, so I did not have to hide the injuries. But this time they hit very hard and I have severe bruising, even my face is horrible. If I were sitting here, the blood would keep flowing and not stop... Would I bleed to death here in the cold? Will they finally make it?

It's never been this bad before. I was usually able to get up and walk away - limping, but I could still do it. That's what scared me. Would I die here? Would I finally fall into the hands of eternal sleep? Maybe I would escape this world... But would I go to hell? Everyone thought that. Everyone thought I was a monster and that the devil had created me to be consumed by the flames. Maybe I would. But it could not hurt like it does now.

I took a deep breath and continued to lean against the cool, soothing brick. Just as I groaned, I felt my vision blur, and the next thing I knew, my body was collapsing in on itself...

The last thing I heard was an overwhelmed growl.

My body feels heavy as I open my eyes and realize I am lying in a bed... a bed?

I straighten up as if I have been stung and turn to study my surroundings... big mistake, I did this way too fast and now my neck hurts a lot.

I raise my hand to massage the sore spot and see bandages on my forearm.

Someone has taken care of me.

So I decide to find out where I am, and when my mind finally calms down, I recognize the room. A small drawer, a window with the dimensions of an A4 format, a work table with some books and notebooks... exactly as I left it this morning, and a dressing room with no more than twenty clothes.

Yes, it's my room, I am in my room on my bed and its gray sheets... as gray as my life.

I hear footsteps and turn around as the door creaks open. There she appears, my big sister Jeanne, who, by the way, is my legal guardian.

She looks at me with watery eyes and I know she must have cried a lot because her eyes are red... red and swollen.

I feel really guilty for doing this to her, she has done so much for me.

I was not born yet when my father, a policeman, was gunned down while patrolling the seedy alleys of this city, my sister was only eleven years old and my mother, a housewife, had reason to worry with a child to come and one to feed.

My sister told me that she died in childbirth, but since she said it so cold and dry, I rather think she left... but that's what I believe for sure, that we are really orphans of father and mother.

She was only eleven years old when she became my mother... at that age I do not know if it's possible, even I who am 16, I do not think I could take care of a baby if that happened... but my sister did it and she made it... she is my hero.

I will not ask her what she had to do to raise me either. She sacrificed her life to raise me and I think she did it I do not want her to deal with my problems.

Mostly because I know she feels guilty.

When I was 4 years old and got sick... very sick. She was only 15 and did not know how to react and apparently even the neighbors did not know.

They had thought it was a fever and a stomach problem because I was vomiting and losing my appetite. They had used some medicines they had with them. My sister did not have the money yet to take me to the hospital, we did not have health insurance.

We had thought it was fine, but I was having a crisis and the neighbors who had helped get me to the hospital...by then it was too late.

Hib meningitis (Haemophilus influenzae type B) a form of bacterial meningitis in children under 5 years of age.

There were vaccines to prevent it, but I had never gotten vaccinated...although the Hib vaccine does not protect against the other diseases.

Given the severity of my disease, I should have been deaf or had neurological sequelae, but not even the doctor can explain it... I have become rather mute, or almost, because I can make some sounds and say a few simple words, even if they are so ugly to hear that I had to stop speaking and just wave.

It is also because those who harass me do so all the more eagerly when they hear me growl like an animal... their own words.

I learned to speak only sign language and so never again did a sound come out of my mouth.

My sister has always blamed herself for this... she does not say it, but I know it.

She often sits in her room and starts crying and blames herself for my misfortune... but I do not blame her, she was just a child and always treated me well.

If I had not been there, I am sure she would have been happier and accomplished so many great things, so no, I am glad to have her as a sister.

It's not her fault that fate has not been kind to me and that the people around me are so backward.

"Why did not you tell me? Why did you hide that you were bullied at school? "

I remain silent. Why? I do not know, maybe because I did not want her to bend for me again. And why ? Because I did not want her to worry and feel guilty about me... no, I did not want that anymore, so I preferred to keep it to myself.

That's stupid, is not it? Maybe it was because of the state I was in after those girls hit me so hard, but I also thought it would be business as usual. That they would just beat me lightly without leaving any marks, but apparently they had decided to take it up a notch and ruin me... to kill me because I was almost dead.

I sigh and talk to her in my own way.

** How did you know what was happening to me? Did the school call you?**

There is a pause because my sister has trouble understanding sign language, so he gives her a moment before he recognizes and understands the signs to answer me.

"No... actually, I gave a friend of yours who lives across the street $10 to call me if you had a problem at school"

Faced with my rather forlorn look, she sighs and continues speaking.

"When you came home a week ago and I asked you if you wanted to talk about anything, you said no... I had seen the bruises on your belly, and since you would not talk to me, there was nothing I could do, so I decided to go see this boy to tell me that he had noticed something.

I lowered my head guiltily... my sister still has to take care of me while she wastes her life savings on me. And could not this boy just call for help? My sister had to give him money to motivate him to help someone in need. Man is running away from his own loss.

** It's nothing

It's stupid to say that when she almost found me dead, is not it? But I do not want her to go to those girls and get into trouble unnecessarily.

She looks down at the floor as she sits down next to me on the bed and strokes my head.

"I am with you no matter who is in front of you. I will defend you, I just want you to trust me with your safety"

I nod and she smiles at me before putting her serious face back on.

"I have been thinking about it for a while and I think I will change schools

I quickly straighten up, no that's not good, she has to save me, changing schools would be too complicated and besides there are only two schools in our small town, the one I went to and the other one that is a bit more elite and therefore more expensive.

** No, it can be good, you do not have to worry, I'll be fine

"It's not fine, on the contrary, everything is a disaster, I have to protect you...I know you are reacting this way because of school fees, but I have savings, you know your big sister is not that poor...nothing is more important to me than for you to be safe, no matter what I have to do for that.

The tears flow on their own as my sister hugs me.

"Starting next week, you will go to high school near City Hall...I promise you that you will be happier there. "

I just nod and hope that will really be the case. After a while, my sister gets up and goes to cook me something.

Tomorrow she will try for a transfer letter and hope that I will be taken. I do not know about my disability, but I have always had very good grades, so I am not worried in that case.

The rest of the evening flies by, my sister taking care of me as night quickly falls over our small town and a new day dawns.

A day that passes quickly and when it's 2pm, my sister comes back with the transfer letter... I feel guilty because she did not come to work again because of me and tomorrow too. She is also paid by the hour, which means she lost a lot today and will again tomorrow.

"Do not make such a face that people can see your thoughts so well..."

She giggles and that relaxes me.

"Okay, honey, I am going to go and get some rest if you need me, come get me, okay?" And most importantly, do not go out yet if you have a race...there are those goons out there"

The thugs...they are young people who take passersby's belongings, little pickpockets that is. Anyway, I was not planning on going out, so it's not really bad.

I nod and go back to bed, because my body is broken and needs a rest.

My sister had had to do and give a lot so that I could see on her sweet face that satisfied and proud smile that meant only one thing: I was accepted in this school.

I smile smugly, not that I dislike in the least the fact that my sister managed to find this place for me and thus protect me from my stalkers, because what my sister does for me is invaluable and I cannot thank her enough.

No, what saddens me is the sacrifices she is willing to make for me. I do not mean to insult her efforts, no, it really touches me and it makes me happy, but the worry is that it makes me feel remorse. My poor sister, who is so young and beautiful because of me, can not take advantage of her youth, she can not even have fun with her girlfriends...if she even has time for that, she can not afford the clothes she likes, and at almost 28 she has not had a real romantic relationship.

She tells me she is happy to take care of me, but it does not make me happy to see my sister so lonely and so unappreciated. She fights for me so much that I would like to comfort her a little every now and then so she does not have to worry and have trouble all the time; so she stops worrying about me all the time when she has a life of her own too.

I even wish the boy she gave $10 to tell her about the problems in high school had just been a little crook and had not told her, at least then she would not have had to go through these unexpected expenses when we can not even eat our fill every day.

If only I could find a job, a small job after high school like many friends have. In a coffee store, in a store CD, there are so many small jobs for high school students, but the problem with me is... me. I could not work decently with my disability and I do not think anyone would want to hire me. I will be useless until I die and be a burden to my sister because even after I graduate I am not sure I could work.

I would so love to stop going to school for several reasons. First there is the bullying and harassment, but the most important reason is my sister... I think she is struggling for nothing by forcing me to go to school for an uncertain future. But she is so happy when she reads my report cards. She tells me every time that I am very smart and that I have a great future ahead of me. I do not disagree because her eyes shine so brightly and she says that I can not act like an ungrateful person when she sacrificed her education for my education - if going to school can make her happy, then I'll put up with it and promise that whatever happens in high school, I'll do my best to smile and hide it as much as possible so she will not worry.

I want my sister to be able to live her own life, no matter how much pain and suffering I have to put up with to do so. My sister deserves only the best in this world and I will make sure she gets it.

I turn my attention to my sister and smile sincerely at her this time. I will fight on my level not to cause Jeanne any more sorrow.

"Guess who is now a student at Central High?" "

I chuckle and raise my shoulders as if I do not know. I like our moments together when she pretends to surprise me and I pretend to be surprised.

"You sweetie...oh the principal was very impressed with your grades and even said you are a genius, he wants you to go to his high school so you start on Monday right? "

Yes, that's nice, but because of my weakness he did not say anything? I do not know if my sister told him about the fact that I am practically mute, I am afraid she did not, she mostly avoids that aspect so as not to discriminate against me, but she denies it to no avail ... I am affected by mutism and the denial will not change the reality.

I think my face is quite expressive when she puts her hand on my shoulder and smiles tenderly at me before speaking again.

"Do not worry, he knows because in your file I added your medical certificate with all the necessary information. He said that he has no problem with you being a brilliant student and that is what counts"

I contort my face with joy at this news and even if it is a little exaggerated, I am happy, yes very happy, would this be the invitation to a new beginning? I just hope that this time things turn out for the best.

"Alright, I am going... I need to rest, I am exhausted"

I think to myself.

She gets up and wants to go to her room, but I hold the garment out to her to draw her attention to me. She turns around interested and smiles at me, she always has this friendly smile and often I have the impression that discrimination starts here at home, because my sister always protects me, I do not know why, but she thinks when she treats me with so much kindness and sensitivity that I am fragile and weak, but I am not... not anymore, because I have been through a lot of difficult things in my short life, so now I do not think I am that weak. I can do some things that she thinks I can not do.

"What's wrong, sweetheart? "

** I will make food**

She frowns for a moment before smiling at me and sighing.

"Ah, you had to tell me you were hungry, I will start cooking right away"

I make a hurt expression on my face. I am not hungry, I actually just wanted to help her by being home and doing all the chores. Jeanne does not like it when I do even the smallest task and it frustrates me because I feel like I am incapable.Of course, I lower my head sadly. Even if I decide to tell her, I am sure she will not listen to me and ask me to rest. She tells me the same thing every time I want to do something.

I wish she would trust me just once.

"Give me a few minutes and I'll bring you a delicious soup with fish...do you want potatoes with it?" "

I do not budge and she strokes my head before leaving my room, not without asking me to rest because I need it after what happened.

I lie on my bed and stretch out my arms on both sides of my body and the tears flow by themselves, am I so incapable in my sister's eyes? No, I do not think she really believes that, it's just that I never gave her the opportunity to prove to her that I can do it too, that I am capable of things she could not have guessed.

I am not as fragile as she wants to believe.

I do not know when I fell asleep, but I feel my body move as if someone is shaking me and finally I open my eyes.

"We are waking up little groundhog, I am done cooking, are you coming? Before it gets cold"

I nod my head before getting up. My body is heavy from sleep and still aching from the beating my attackers gave me a few days ago.

I groan as I try to straighten my body, and my sister rushes over to help me. It's a caring gesture, but I do not know why it hurts, but I can not tell her. I do not want to hurt her, she does not deserve that.