My Bestfriend's Brother Is My Tutor

The flames danced just as much as they hissed, licking up the wood. The smoke went further than the flames and the backyard of the Lewin's house was filled with smoke and much needed heat. It was a perfect night for everyone. It was supposed to be but I couldn't hold my attention enough to be immersed in the night. There was a lot going on. A lot for one to be immersed in. Lisa's dad, Flynn was heating the sausages on the grill. He flipped one and it aroused a cheer from Patricia. Flynn looked over at her and it was clear that only she mattered in that moment.

"You can't have that too!" Declan slapped Lisa's hands. She stuck out her tongue at him before she caught my eyes. Lisa, my best friend, waved at me before she returned to arguing with her elder brother, Declan. Declan and Lisa were often referred to as twins though he was two years older than her. They fought about everything and were always together until I came along. Lisa and I met on a certain Monday morning, as I walked the school halls, keeping to myself and whatever new fantasy I had wrapped myself in to get through the day. Declan had ru y thy n into me while getting away from Lisa. He was a senior, the finest and hottest of them, and I knew better than to make a big deal out of it. I had already started apologising before Lisa had appeared behind him. She knocked him. "Say sorry, Dee," she ordered, and then to me: "Don't mind my brother, he doesn't have good manners." Dark, blue jeans designed with red and pink butterflies bent at the knees in front of me. Her eyes had been hidden behind her golden, brown hair so I couldn't see if this girl was glaring at me. I hoped she wasn't. I didn't know who Lisa was then. I didn't know that we attended the same literature and algebra classes. I didn't know that we would both be trying out for the volleyball team in the next year. But Lisa, who didn't know who I was, and who I didn't know either, helped me pick my books. "You don't have to." I had tried to stop her. It was what my default reaction to stop people from helping me because when people helped you, you owed them. If you were unlucky, you owed them all your life. Owing someone at home was bad enough, owing another person in school was not my plan. "These are some steamy covers," Lisa had said. We had finished packing the books and Lisa was handing me a three-novel stack. I didn't have the answer for her. All I did was smile and let the red creep up my skin. "Thanks but you didn't have to." "I don't mind," Lisa said. It was the second time she was brushing away my apology. Lisa had given Declan a moment to apologize but when he didn't, she bumped her shoulders into his. "Ouch! I'm sorry..." he didn't know my name so he trailed off. I helped him. "Stacy." "Stacy," he completed. "And now I have to be on my way. See you later, Lis." Lisa had watched her brother run along and I had done the same too because it was going to be rude to just walk away when she was still there. When Lisa faced me again, she said, "Like him?" "What?" I almost choked on my spit. "No!" My eyes had bulged out and my throat had dried. It was the best answer. "Good," was what Lisa had replied. "I like you already." Back to the present evening..... There was smoke and there was laughter in the air yet nothing seemed to be enough for me. Nothing had ever really been enough and I believed it was mainly because I wasn't enough myself. Dad couldn't stay long enough to watch me turn three because his other family needed him. It was either they needed him more or he needed them more because I only saw the man during some holidays. He wasn't even my dad. He was just the man who I occasionally bumped into thrice in a year. I didn't get why mom still let him have access to our house. I would prefer running into him at public places like the library or mall but it only happened at home. It felt like he was intruding on stuff he shouldn't be having access to. Sometimes if I was extra unlucky, I would bump into him in my mom's room. Those were my worst ones. It was embarrassing to even think about it. Embarrassing and disgusting. The last time I asked mom why Jerome-that was my father's name-still came around and slept in her room when he was in town, mom had simply told me that they were not the perfect couple and so they couldn't be understood. It was a stupid answer then but now, I was agreeing with what she had said. Mom was right. They were so far from being the perfect couple. They were the absolute worst and no couple on planet Earth could take that title from them-that is if they should even be considered a couple. Jerome wasn't my dad. Flynn did a better job at being a father to me. The plates on my table were snatched by crystal, accessorized hands. "You okay?" Patricia asked. "You seem distracted." "Yeah." I didn't sound convincing so I sat up and tried to sound convincing "Yeah. I'm good." "Hmm mmm. Whatever you say. How's your mom?" "She's good." "Does she know you're spending Thanksgiving with us?" "She doesn't care." I tried to laugh it off but Patricia was so good at seeing the sadness and a cry to be cared for in my eyes. "You have us. You have me," Patricia said. She had set the pile of plates on the table so she could rub my forearms. "Thank you. I need some water." "Oh yeah, check the kitchen. The ones outside have finished." I jumped from the stool, nodded one last time at Patricia, and walked back into the house, just as I heard Lisa giggling. On some days, it was exceptionally hard to not be jealous of all that Lisa had. I loved her so dearly but love didn't make you look away from what other people had. Sometimes you loved them so much more because you loved what they had. It was a messed up and twisted thing to be thinking so I shut down the thoughts with several gulps of my water. "Who are you?" The water bounced off my lips just as I heard those words. They caused me to tremble with fear and shock, combining to bring my muscles to a halt and into a frenzy. It was a miracle that I was still holding the bottle when I spun at the sound of the voice. A rough mixture of words like the surface of the hairbrush mom let me borrow whenever I was at home. Rough and full, taking up space around me and in me. I didn't recognize the voice and I didn't recognize him. At all. "Who am I? Who are you?" I asked the next question. He gave me a once over. He glanced at the door, then back at me again and I wondered how long it would take me to melt in his line of vision. I had never seen someone with such perfect hair. It was richly dark, full, and curled, shrinking in length but not in its abundant thickness as it traveled down his face and under his chin. It didn't matter that he had trimmed his jawline, the dark hair still made a statement just like the yellow stud in his right ear which sparkled under the kitchen lights. His thighs stretched the blue shorts he had on while his top covered up all of his upper body, leaving nothing for my eyes. Humans could be fit but this guy here, barely three steps away from me was molded to near perfection. I could tell already that he worked out a lot, and it was dreamy to think about him lifting weights until I remembered that he was in the kitchen with me while the rest of the family were outside, existing in the fullness of their moment. If he sliced my throat or stabbed my stomach, it would take them at least an hour to recover my body. Life was shitty. Dad was coming to town soon-I knew this because Mom had recently restocked the house and sent Phil, her newest bed warmer, home. Andy had broken up with me a week ago. Nothing was fine in my life but it was funny the amount of will to live I gathered at that time. It was enough and full that it crept into my chest and caused me to scream the loudest I had ever screamed. The problem was nothing got out. The man moved with speed and muffled my screams with his palm. That's when I started to struggle. His fingers were digging the flesh of my arm, the same place Patricia had rubbed to offer comfort, his palm was pressing down on my lips and his musky Cologne was wrapping around my nostrils, nearly hypnotizing me. "What the fuck is wrong with you!" I continued to shake my head beneath his hold. If it meant 'nothing is wrong with me,' I didn't know. I didn't know a lot except that I was in danger and my body had gone into fight or flight mode or rather, fight and flight mode. "I'm not going to hurt you for crying out loud. I just need you to shut the hell up." I nodded at his words, eyes stuck on his creased forehead. I paused my breathing, waiting for the moment he would let me go. I was going to bolt out of this room and scream for help. That was my plan until he said something that changed those plans. "I'm not ready for my family to find out I'm home. If I'm being honest, I don't want them to find out at all but I can't get everything I want, can I?" Though his hands had moved, the warmth still wrapped around my face. "Your family?" I found my voice after a moment. "Yeah. Lisa, Declan, Dad, and Mom." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "They're my family. Now who the hell are you?"

I was still looking for what to say even after a minute had passed. All the talking was going on in my head. He had Patricia's strong gaze, though his manifested in dark, blue orbs. His facial structure, the perfection of it was also something that ran in the family. It was nearly impossible for Lisa to have any issue with contouring her cheeks while I struggled with mine. When you had a perfect jaw and a diamond-shaped face, you didn't have to bother about some things, unlike my face structure which was slimmer and longer.

I could have stood there all night and watched him while picking out the things about him that made him a Lewin, I could have become familiar with his body and his mannerisms without knowing who he was, I could have done it so well that he wouldn't feel like a stranger anymore but with every second that passed, concern flooded his stare. Confused concern. I closed my mouth and tightened my grip on the granite surface beside me. I had to start from somewhere. "Who are you exactly? A cousin? A Brother?" He was fast to answer. It was either the had reharsed it a thousand times or he was saying the truth. "Brother and son. Now are you going to tell me who you are?" I welcomed darkness for a second by shutting my eyes. "I'm a friend of the family's. Lisa's friend." "Ohh." There was an amused smile tugging his lips. "You're that friend," he concluded. I was interested in knowing what he meant. "What friend?" "Stacy, right?" "Yeah. What did you hear about me?" "Nothing you haven't heard about yourself." He shrugged. "So tell me." He had moved to the fridge when he spoke. "Lisa said you are mostly here because of some family issues. That's all." "Lisa talks to you about my...issues?" "I'm her big bro. Just because I'm not around most of the time doesn't mean I dropped my role." "But like...she shouldn't go around telling people that I have family issues." He shut the fridge with a loud thud. "She didn't go around telling people," he said, gesticulating with his yogurt bottle, "I'm not people. I'm her brother. You see that's what family do." "You..." I forgot what I wanted to say when I recalled that I didn't know his name. He knew my name and knew I had family issues. He probably already knew what my favorite food was and how I loved my sandwich. "What's your name?" I asked him. It was only fair that I found out his name at least. "Jerome." "Jerome?" "Yeah. Your dad's namesake. Weird right?" "You know my dad's name?" What else did he know? My birthday?? My favorite color??? He walked by me, patting my shoulder briefly. "It's just a name. I'm not as shitty as the man, I promise you." His hand touching me was what it took to remind me that I had a reason to be angry. It shot up from there. I expected him to touch me and get me red. Red in a good way. Red in a desire and passion way but this was rage. This was boiling rage. "Lisa has no right to be telling you my personal business." "Would it help if I told you mine?" Jerome didn't wait for me to answer. "Two years ago, I was in a car accident. My girlfriend died and it was all my fault. Now every time I'm looked at, I am looked at with pity and treated with extreme caution and care. I'm also being blamed too. That guilty is the worst thing to live with which is why I like to stay away from my beloved family out there." He nodded his head towards the door. "Oh." I was at a loss for words. At first, I finished my water, then I threw the bottle in the bin and sighed heavily. "That was a lot." "Yeah. Let's make a deal." Jerome stepped forward, reminding me that he was the guy with the perfect hair. "I don't treat you like damaged goods and you don't treat me like damaged goods. You're allowed to make fun of my predicament, light fun though, and in turn, you'll let me do the same to you. Trust me, it helps more than therapy ever would." I was just meeting him but we were about to have our thing. Something in my chest was unfolding from the intimacy in that. He was Lisa's brother. He was meant to be like a brother to me but there was already something about him. Something intoxicating about his eyes, his confidence, his twisted humor. And his perfect hair. How could I forget that? "Alright, that's fair. Jerome." I mentally winced from saying the name. He noticed. "You'll get used to the name." He rubbed the top of my head like I was a little schoolboy who had just done something right and was getting praised by his coach. That was the act that made me tuck the inappropriate ideas away since he didn't share in it. He may have been in my space so many times today but it meant nothing to him. I was ashamed thinking of how far my mind had wandered. "Is that...Jerome?!" Lisa was at the door when she saw Jerome. She ran into his arms and he picked her up and twirled her, just like Flynn does. "Mom! Your runaway son's here!" She announced. And the rest of the family trooped in and gave their greetings, each one being unique. Declan shared a handshake with Jerome that ended in a side hug, Patricia hugged the crap out of her son before she tipped his chin and kissed his cheek, Flynn just offered a curt nod and a handshake but he was clearly happy, chuckling, and bursting with smiles. All the while, I stood there waiting to be remembered again. How was it that they've always had an elder son and I never knew? How was it that he knew everything about me but I knew nothing about him? The questions were endless. How old was he? He looked really older than Declan and Lisa. I was guessing there was at least a five-year gap. Where had he been all these while-I had frequented this house for two years and never had I gotten an idea of his existence. Jerome Lewin. Even his name sounded unreal. But he was real and he was smiling at me as he answered his mom's questions. Lisa hooked her hand in mine like all was normal. Perhaps it was normal to her to have her brother return home. It wasn't to me. A minute ago, he didn't exist in my world. "I never knew you had another brother," I said as we both watched him. "I know. Sometimes I forget too." "He really is your brother? This isn't a joke?" Lisa took a deep breath before she answered, beaming with pride. "Yes!" Then she shrieked beside me, like his return made her the happiest person alive. *** "You can't be drinking alcohol," Jerome said. He popped the beer bottle open, two of them, and handed one to Declan. Lisa's legs dangled across the chair's armrest, her back nestled on the opposite side. "I drink alcohol. I just don't do it at home." She rolled her eyes and crossed her legs. We were all back outside again and the night had continued like every other night. Flynn had finished making the sandwiches and barbecue and a good portion of it was finished, Patricia had gone back into the house and Flynn had followed her, not before he asked a question that got the air still. "When are you going to see Marilyn's mom?" Everyone noticed how Jerome's throat had bobbed as he tried to swallow whatever heaviness was lying there. I understood immediately who Marilyn was. She couldn't be any other person but the dead girlfriend and hearing her name made the story more real. She had a name, she had a mom, she had a life and now she was dead. Perhaps what I had to live with, deadbeat parents, was nothing compared to the guilt Jerome had to live with. "Do I have to see her?" Jerome had asked. "Yeah. It's the least you can do. Infact, it's all you can do." Jerome had agreed. "I'll visit her but I don't want to think about it tonight." and to that, Flynn had let it slide before he followed Patricia inside. Now it was just the kids outside, watching the stars as the fire dwindled out so the night's chill could wrap us even better. "Who gives you alcohol?" Jerome asked Lisa. Once again, I was present but absent. I could hear them and tell what was happening but I had not yet said a word. I couldn't help but wonder if my dad had come home yet. I left the house two nights ago and though I always told myself that I didn't care for the man, I still found myself wanting to see him when he was around, wanting to run into him so I could have a new reason to be mad at him, so I could remember why I loathed him so much. "It's not me," Declan said. He and Jerome occupied the two recliner seats that their parents normally sat on. I was sitting on one of the red plastic chairs but not in the same way as Lisa. I was hugging my knees to my chest and every ten seconds, I had a reason to hug it tighter as the temperature seemed to be dropping by the minute. I could go in and curl in Lisa's bed but I wanted to be here with Lisa and her siblings. I didn't want to retire for the night and end up behind the sad and pitied girl they talked about. If I was here, I could feel like I was a part of their family though I wasn't and would never be. How can you be part of a family if you don't know everyone in the family? "Stacy?" I looked up at the call of my name. "What?" I was too lost in their conversation make out why Jerome was calling me. "Are you the one giving my baby sister alcohol?" "Oh. No." "It's more like the other way around." Declan laughed and tipped his beer bottle. Lisa took my hand. "Hey, girl. Are you good? You've been distracted all night." "Yeah. I'm fine." "Sure?" Lisa asked again. "Maybe y'all should call it a night," Declan added. "And Stacy, if it helps, Andy is a piece of shit." "What did Andy do?" Lisa was sitting up. "Who is Andy?" Jerome threw his question in. Now all eyes were on me. I didn't like that. A minute ago, I was invincible and I thought I didn't like it . I hated this moment more than anything. "Andy is her boyfriend-" Lisa was saying. "Ex boyfriend." Declan took another swing of his bear as Lisa's eyelids pierced through him. "And how would you know that?" Declan chuckled. It was quickly turning into another banter between the siblings while I and Jerome were forced to just watch. I wasn't just watching. To me, the little left of my life was slowly falling apart. It was going to backfire at me. I had not told Lisa about the breakup yet but I had told Declan. He had suspected and I couldn't exactly lie to him when he walked in on me sitting in the dark living room, nursing my eyes with a box of Kleenex. "Stacy told me." Lisa had an incredulous look when she faced me. "You and Andy broke up?" "It's not a big deal." I shrugged it away hoping it was that easy to push things aside. It wasn't. "This is going to be interesting," Jerome snickered. "It is!" Lisa was paying her brothers no attention as she tackled me. "And you told my brother instead of telling me, your bestfriend?" "Lisa, please." "Why?" I stood up. "I didn't tell you about Andy and I, you didn't tell me you had another brother-" Lisa was stopping me already. She got on her feet and waved her fingers in my face. This was quickly turning into a fight. "They're not the same thing." "It is, Lisa especially when you tell Jerome about my fucked up life when I don't even know he exists. It is and I don't want to talk about it." I stormed out with the rage still active in me. "You know what?" I said, taking a full turn and returning to the cooler. "I get to drink alcohol and no one stops me because I'm the fucked up kid with daddy issues and a pretty messed up life. Goodnight, Lewin family." The beer bottle was the coldest thing I had touched all night but I held on to it like my life depended on it, twisting my fingers around the glass. There was no way I could crush it, after all. I was done with everything. Tomorrow, I was going to return to my house where no one had enough time to look my way or give me pity. It may be shitty but it was the shit I've grown up with and I was more than used to it. Now I just needed to get through this night in Lisa's room.

Lisa brought the bedsheets from the store and she helped me dress my bed. She was tucking the last piece of the sheet when I walked in. I didn't come back with much stuff, just a small-sized duffel bag seeing as I was only going to be here until after Thanksgiving which was just tomorrow. Knowing Mom, she would make me stay till after the weekend and I was going to object to it at first before I would say yes. That way, I'll be making her feel like her efforts mattered but in truth, I needed this break. I had thought of it before boarding the plane home.

I needed to be here with my family and to be reminded that I was surrounded by so much love that sometimes it felt overwhelming. They were my home and no matter what, there was no place and no people like them. "You are taking the couch downstairs," Lisa said when she faced me. She gathered her hair and held it up. The pink singlet she had on was one of my gifts to her when she turned fourteen. It was such an important year in her life because she was still young and innocent but very much on her path to transition into a woman. It was also the year she got into Highschool. A year later, I left home for a college job. Another year later, she was telling me about her friends and none of them seemed to ever stick until Stacy came along. She may have changed through these four years but my kid sister was still the same person in her core; compassionate, passionate and sensitive. "Go to your room, lis." She climbed into my bed not minding my words and pulled the blankets to her waist. "She needs space." "She needs an apology and an explanation." "She needs space," Lisa said again. She reminded me of how stubborn she could get. I sat down on the edge of the bed. She kept her eyes on the ceiling. I could see that she was filled with a lot of emotions. There was anger, there was hurt and most of all, there was guilt, so much guilt that she was fighting the tears. I recognized guilt anywhere and I knew how it could eat one up. "This was all my fault." I shifted the blame to myself. Lis wasted no time in agreeing with me. "Yes, it was. What did you say to her?" "Things I shouldn't have said." "So why did you say it?" She turned on her side and waited for an answer. Nothing I would say would make it better. She was only going to feel better if she spoke to her best friend the same way I was only going to feel better if I apologized to Stacy. "I was in the mood to share and blab about things." For a second, I was back in that kitchen with Stacy. When Lisa used to tell me about her, I imagined her to be a small, frail girl who wrapped herself inside out so people couldn't get to her and hurt her but the girl I met in the kitchen was different. She was scared but accustomed to the fears, and she was hurt but a beautiful painting of cuts and bruises that pulled one in. I could try to explain it but I would end up with no words that made sense. And it was bad enough that I had gone out of line to say things to her, I couldn't hold any inappropriate emotions for her. I couldn't be attracted to my kid sister's best friend for a sick reason like her pain. I wasn't going to allow myself do that. "Now she hates me." Lisa cried and held her face. "This is nothing but a little misunderstanding. I would go to your room to apologize to her but that would be me interfering in your friendship again so I'm leaving you to this. Go to her, apologize, explain the circumstances of how and why you told me. You weren't trying to bring her down or to gossip about her, you needed advice and you came to me. The way I spoke about it was wrong and unacceptable and I would make that clear but only after you've made your point clear to her." Lisa sniffed, that's how I knew she was crying. She was fast enough to wipe the tears before they fell but her face had reddened just as much as her eyes. She shifted towards me, curving her back as she did so. "What if she doesn't get me? Did you see how mad she was?" "She needed to be mad at something at that moment but she knows you mean love." A heavy sigh left Lis's lips. "Alright." She stayed quiet for a while after that. When she moved again, it was to drop her head on my leg. I drew a line from one end of her forehead to the other one. She wasn't crying anymore. The quiet whimpers were slowing down until they weren't there. "Why didn't you tell anyone you were coming?" In that moment, I was glad that she couldn't see my face. I took a second to calm my breathing. No one needed to know the shit I got myself in. No one needed to know that I had let them down once again. "I wanted to surprise you all." I easily lied. Lisa punched my knee. "You suck at surprises." She lifted her body onto her elbow and faced me, silently pleading before she even spoke. "Come back more often, please?" "I promise to try." I brushed ghost strands of hair back for her. I meant what I was promising. I was going to try but trying didn't mean I had to be successful. Trying could end in failure too, so I was going to try and offer my comfort for the days they had to be stuck with my failures. I was going to try only. *** I could turn around, head home and lie to Mom that I didn't see Elena. It was the easier option. I wasn't ready to knock. I wasn't ready to see her again. What if she was doing better and living a good life? What if my presence was only going to remind her of losing her daughter? I lifted my hand but didn't quite knock yet. I held it up until my elbow and biceps began to sore. I still hadn't knocked. I had picked out a clean, button down shirt for this occasion. I had brushed my side burns and beards, I had applied moisturizer to my hair and I had drenched myself in a light, oud perfume. I wished that was all I needed to do to make Elena happy, to make seeing her after three years easy. The walls of chest began to tighten. It was all coming back. The cry of shattering glass, the tearing of tires against asphalt road, the screaming, the blood, the still and helplessness of the dark. I loosened my tie and stepped back from the porch. It wasn't the tie that was building my discomfort. My discomfort existed because I was here. I stood on the edge of the road and sighed, rocking back and forth on my heels and toes while staring at the house door as I tried to remember the days she was still alive. A neigbor banged a door shut behind me. It didn't matter to me. A figure marched past me, cursing under her breath. "Maybe if you keep the knives where they are, we wouldn't have to borrow everything from the fucking neighbors!" She stopped at Elena's door and knocked. It was crazy that she didn't see me but it was even crazier that it was her. Stacy. Her curves were hidden in the overall, bunny themed pajamas and her chestnut, brown hair was braided down to her straight back. Her feet tapped the floor impatiently and she knocked again to which Elena pulled the door open. "Hi. I'm sorry I'm here again. Mom can't find our knives just like she couldn't find the blender and the lighter. I hate to disturb you-" "Girl, one day your mom is going to send you here to ask for her life." I couldn't believe my eyes. Stacy lived across from Elena. It was like watching the wildest possibility come to be. In a flash, Stacy matched Elena's dramatic vibe. "Didn't she already do that when she sent me here to get painkillers?" Elena burst out laughing and Stacy joined her too. It wasn't the first time I was hearing Elena laugh. She had always been full of joy and jokes but Stacy's laughter was a new tone for my ears. It was hoarse and real, fleshed out in a mellow, velvety trueness. A snort even crept its way in. They were happy at that moment and I wanted to let them be. It was nice to watch them and not disrupt their moment, to have them exist outside of my interruption but I was here for a reason and the faster I got it done, the faster I could leave them to their laughter. "Elena?" Their smiles seized. Stacy stepped to the side, giving Elena space to see me. To have Elena look at me again was surely going to crush me and render me speechless but now that Stacy was looking at me too, I wasn't sure I would be able to say a word even in my heart where no one could hear me.