Mr. Vain

Zanders POV (Point of View)

I'm looking at my dad, who I think might die of a brain hemorrhage if he keeps yelling at me like this. That one vein keeps popping out on his forehead. I think he might have high blood pressure or something because he's turned about one hundred shades of red. He should probably get that looked into.

So, here's the situation. I changed my last name, and he's flipping out like the world is about to end. I thought Mom would be the one to blow a gasket over this, but she hasn't spoken a word. She just keeps staring at her dinner plate, not blinking.

Humm... that's not good. I think I might have broken my mother. Maybe I should see if she's still breathing.

How does that woman not blink? Yikes. Now her left eye's twitching. I must have really messed up this time.

"Zander, you're better than this. What in the hell has gotten into you, boy? Have you lost your ever-loving mind? This bullshit is all over the damn media. My phone's blown up all day with people thinking you're completely insane. I have to say, I agree with them. Your grandmother is having a fit and you know how she gets when she's like this. It's going to take me forever to get this to blow over."

That's my dad, Mason Kane. He owns the biggest movie production company on the East Coast. He also used to be a male model and actor himself. I usually keep my dates away from here because they all hit on the old man. He keeps in shape and we look a lot alike It sure comes in handy sometimes. I pretend to be him to get into elite parties, and I've met some cool people with his connections.

He and my mother are well-known celebrities, but he hates California and Hollywood. I think it's the traffic. He used to bitch about it all the time. He moved us to Miami when I was in high school and never looked back. His movies are up there with Star Wars and the Titanic, from what I'm told. Hell, I don't know. I can't remember any of the films he's made. He won't let me be in any of them anyway, so I couldn't care less.

My mom was a popular actress and model in the 90s. She plays super-homemaker and dragon lady mom now. Seriously, if there was a superhero for doing laundry and cooking, it would be my amazing mother. She's smart too. I mean, look at her set up. Marrying my dad made sure she's financially set for life. She doesn't need to work outside the house if she doesn't want to. She has a cooking blog that seems important. I guess it keeps her busy.

My old man is loaded so I don't know why mom doesn't just hang out on the beach drinking mimosas with her MILF friends. He's so rich she'll never have to work another day of her life is she didn't want to.

I wonder what she would say if she knew I banged her friend Vivian. Viv is a cougar and now on husband number four. Mom and Dad have been together since college, so Mom doesn't realize her friends are far from being as innocent as she is.

I finally reply to his rants. "It's just a name, pops. Relax."

My dad banged his fist on the table, setting my teeth on edge. I hate when he does that.

"Don't tell me to fucking relax, you half-wit! And don't call me pops! I'm your damn father for gosh sakes! I brought you into this world and..."

"And you'll take me out. You said that like five times already."

"You're getting on my last nerve, boy. Are you even thinking about your future? You want to be a big star, but this YouTube shit and reality show nonsense won't cut it. You're just looking for your fifteen minutes of fame. A real star works for it. It takes dedication and determination We can't even get you to get out of the bed before noon."

I shrug, rolling my eyes. "My way works so far. I'm making big money off YouTube and Instagram."

"Not enough. You live off my money like some spoiled, entitled brat. Zander Kane, I should slap the stupid off you. If you want to be taken seriously in this business, go take some acting classes. Get a damn job and get an agent. You graduated from college two years ago in film production and you've wasted away a good education. Not to mention my hard-earned money. You could start working at the studio and pay your dues, while still doing auditions. I'm sick of this shit. Show some initiative."

"Why? I'll be taking over for your old ass anyway when you retire. It's not like I need to go look for a job. I'll just work at Kane Studios. In the meantime, I can have some fun. You told me to enjoy my youth while I can, and I'm only twenty-six. I have my whole life ahead of me. Mom didn't take acting classes. Why should I?"

"Your mother has a unique natural talent for acting. You... you're a buffoon and too old for this shit." My dad grabs his glass of bourbon, shaking his head in disgust.

"Buffoon? Dude. How old are you? Oh, and it's Zander Vain now. Not Kane. Mr. Vain if you want to be fancy about it."

My dad is now rubbing his temples, pouring himself his third glass of bourbon straight. He takes a shot like a pro. I love messing with him. I may have broken my dad too. He doesn't realize that I just do this shit to piss him off. It's entertainment for me. Everything else around this place is boring as fuck.

"Okay. Tell me one more time why you thought this was a good idea?"

He sat back, looking as if maybe he might get on board with this. Okay, Zander give it to him straight. It's a good idea, and I could use an investor if this goes well.

"I have a huge social media following. People are always saying I'm vain. So, I went with it. I can turn this into a brand."

"And it's now your legal name?"

"Yep."

Well, that didn't work. Any second he's going to call me an idiot.

"Son, you're an idiot. So, tell me this. What are you going to do when you want to get married? Do you think any lady will want to become Mrs. Vain?"

I'm laughing hysterically now. He believes I will fall in love with some dream girl and give him perfect grandkids. They should have had more kids because I want no part of that life. At least not right now. I'm still playing the field.

"You assume I want to marry someone who I have to answer to. There is way too much pussy out there for that shit. I'll stay single and ready to bang bitches whenever I want."

My mom Grace's eyes just shot up to me. Oh shit. I probably shouldn't have said that.

"Alexander Mason Kane! Watch your dirty mouth! Don't ever talk about women that way."

Well, there it is. I've woken up the dragon lady by saying too much. She said my full name, so that's a sign I might die tonight. Mom has come back to life and is now looking at me like she's ready to drag me to the pits of hell with her perfectly manicured talons. She got her nails done with those sharp tips and pokes me with them when she's pissed off. Hence the name dragon lady.

Maybe I shouldn't tell them the rest? Too late. It's coming out like word vomit at this point.

"Oh! Mom. Dad. I wanted to let you know that I am getting married. You're invited."

My father sighs dramatically, taking another shot from his rock glass. "Please don't say what I think you're about to say."

"I'm going to marry myself...!"

"I'm going to marry myself! I have the whole thing planned. The wedding is in a month and I'm throwing a huge party. My buddy Justin is getting ordained, and I'm having a full bar. I have a raging bachelor party planned too. I sent invitations yesterday. The media are going to eat this shit up."

"The idiot actually said it."

The old man may die right now. He looks like he's not feeling so well. Maybe I should ask if he needs his meds?

...Wait? Does my dad take meds?

My mom practically growled at me just now. Is that normal?

"What... the... fuck?" she yelled.

Yep. I broke my mom. She just sits there and stares at me like she's possessed and is now pouring bourbon for herself. Mom doesn't drink, and she said fuck, so that confirms I officially broke her. She never cusses and is always complaining that Dad and I need to watch our language.

"Mom. Come on. Think about it. No one could ever love me as much as I love myself."

My dad's laughing now. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

"Well, that's for damn sure, dumbass. Son, I think you broke your mother. Grace, it'll be okay."

Dad rubbed Mom's shoulder, and she waved him off. She must really be mad.

"Shut up. You're both idiots. Mason, call your friend, Camron Hicks. Have your idiot son meet his daughter."

My mom stabbed at her stake, eating it like a rabid dog. I'm getting a little scared now... and what with this date thing. Does she think I'll stop the wedding if she sets me up?

"Mom. No setting me up. I can get girls on my own."

"She's not a date, you moron. She's a therapist. Olivia is at the top of her field. If she says you're not off your ever-loving rocker, we'll go along with this crazy scheme of yours... for now," Dad groaned.

"Dad, I'm fine."

"Son, you're far from fine. You're a nutcase, but we love you. See the therapist and I will consider not cutting your trust fund."

Dang, it. He said the T-word. Cutting off my money means I have to be normal. I hate normal. He'll expect me to work for him soon, too. Shit.

"Fine. I'll meet with her."

"Good. I'll set it up."

***

Mason's POV

My son is a complete moron. He can't possibly think this is okay. Shit. Yes, he can. Sadly, it will all work out for the dumbass. Everything works out for him. No matter how stupid his cockamamie schemes are, he comes out on top. Where did we go wrong with this boy?

Climbing in bed after this ridiculously long day, I can see my poor wife is ready to have a nervous breakdown. She knows all too well Zander will go through with marrying himself. It's probably not even legal, but he'll do anything for shock value.

"Grace? Honey? Are you all right?"

"Our son is the most brain-dead idiot I've ever known. What is he thinking? No... he's not thinking. He never thinks. He just does whatever stupid shit the pops in his head. And you! How could you go along with this? Don't think you're getting any tonight."

Figures. Zander screws up and I get cockblocked from my beautiful wife for the next week, or so. I'm going to put a hit out on my damn son. There is still a mafia in Miami, right?

Nah. Too easy. He would just annoy the piss out of them until they decided he's certifiably nuts, and they'd feel sorry for him. Or they would hire the moron. He is persuasive. He'd end up the mob boss in a week with as many women as he can handle. Lucky bastard.

"Mama. He's our son. He's stupid, but we love him."

"I love him, but I don't have to like it. Did you hear him talking about women like that? Who taught him that? I should wash out his dirty mouth with a bar of soap. He is about to meet the other side of his mother. No more miss nice mom."

Nice mom? When did that happen? My wife is a hard ass, and that's why I love her so much. She's my little spitfire. Zander better watch his step or crazy dragon lady will be on his ass. Truth be known, they're just alike. She used to come up with crazy schemes too when she was younger. I wonder if she remembers how we got Zander.

A group of women were burning bras on the college campus at a protest and she gave me her bra instead. She told me it was a free pass to her lady parts. She got pregnant with Zander that night.

Damn it. Now I'm thinking about sex. If I just move my hand on his wife's hip and give a little massage...

"Not a chance, slick. Go sleep on the couch."

Shit, I'm banished to sofa city. I'm killing that brat myself. Damn you, Zander.

Zanders POV

I don't know why I need to see a stupid therapist. I'm not crazy, I'm just being a smart entrepreneur.

My dad is such a douche. He doesn't understand social media... and --

Wow! This doctor is smokin' hot! Good choice, Dad. This may not be so bad after all. I love older chicks. Hell, I love all women. Big, skinny, tall, short... bring them all on.

"Welcome, Mr. Kane," the therapist said with a voice as soft as silk.

"Vain. It's Vain now."

I hear my dad groaning on the couch beside me. It's so funny. He's still freaking out, and it's been two days since I dropped the bomb on him.

Dad grumbles like an old man, "Zander, shut up."

"You must be Mason Kane. Mr. Kane, can you step out in the waiting room while I speak to your son? We can have a family meeting soon."

Look her over I can see it. She's checking me out. This chick definitely wants me. Good move, Doctor Hottie. Get the old man out so we can have some fun.

Well, that's interesting. My dad just left with no protest. I need to find out how she did that.

"Mr. ... (rolls her eyes) Vain. Let's begin."

"Sure thing, sweetheart."

What do I do? Start taking off my clothes now or let her take the lead? What's the protocol here? This escalated rather quickly, so I wasn't prepared, but I like a woman who knows what she wants. I wasn't expecting to get laid at the therapist's office, but hey... if she wants it...

"Zander, is it?"

"Yep."

"Grammar, please. Yes, ma'am, or call me Doctor. Why are you unbuttoning your shirt?"

I look up at her, expecting her to be naked by now. "So, we're having a therapy session?"

"Yes. What did you think we were doing?"

I'm dumbfounded. "You sent my dad out."

"And?" She rubs the bridge of her nose under her glasses and groans, just like my dad does. "Jeez. You are an idiot. Put your shirt back on."

I may have read that wrong. Damn it. She's hot too.

"I see this Mr. Vain thing is more of your reality than I expected."

Buttoning up my shirt, I try to state my defense. "I'm not vain, I'm just confident. I mean... look at me. I'm eye candy."

"Be that as it may, Zander, you're here for a reason. Your parents believe you may have some sort of mental illness you're struggling with."

I'm annoyed now. I can't believe they think that. "You think I'm crazy too? Just freakin' great."

"No, I don't. I think you have a huge ego with narcissistic tendencies, but not mentally ill. I saw your social media and videos online. From your actions since you walked into this room, I see you are exactly like you are online. By-the-way. Get your hand off my thigh before I ruin your manhood for life."

Dang, Doctor Hottie has a bit of fire in her. I like it. She's still checking me out, though. I give it one more session and she'll have me bending her over her desk while calling me daddy.

"... Earth to Zander. Are you with us? Turn your listening ears on. Don't make me have to treat you like one of my child patients."

Sitting back in the chair, I can see this won't go my way. "Fine. What do you want to know?"

"Let's start with the name change."

"It's gotten me tons of publicity and the paparazzi are eating it up. I'm on all the entertainment news shows, and it's lit my social media up with new followers."

"So, you want to be a celebrity like your parents?" she said, crossing her legs and tapping her pen on her lip. This is feeling like a real therapy session.

"Doesn't everyone, Dr. Hottie?"

"It's Olivia or Dr. Hicks. And no. They don't."

Yikes. She looks like mom when she gets mad at me. Dragon lady, part two.

"Yes, ma'am. I like the attention."

"So, you feel you don't get enough attention?"

"No. I said I like attention. Big difference."

"Okay, fair enough. Your father says you plan on marrying yourself in a month?" The clicking of her pen is driving me nuts.

"Yep. If I'm already married, no one can expect some lame romantic fling. I don't want to get tied down. I have my whole life ahead of me."

"So, It's a commitment issue?"

"NO... I... didn't say --"

"Now we are getting somewhere. Tell me, Zander. When was the last time you dated long term?"

"I... I guess I was... nineteen maybe? My high school sweetheart. We dated for four years. We stopped seeing each other when she left for college and started traveling."

The pen stopped clicking and now she is writing on her notepad. "Tell me about her?"

"Oh, Ivy was great. We had a lot in common and did everything together. She got accepted to Julliard, and I went to school for film. She was a dancer and got picked up with a big dance troupe early on."

"Have you ever been in love?"

"Well... yes. With her. We even talked about marriage once. When she started dancing, she joined the American Ballet Theatre, and she broke up with me. She didn't care for the way I was in college. I partied a lot and was a frat boy." Deep down, I don't blame her.

"You cheated," she says with brows raised.

"Is that a question or a statement?"

The woman is staring down her glasses at me. Busted. How do women have this cheater radar?

"Yes. On spring break in Cabo my sophomore year of college. I regretted everything I did and hated myself for it. I loved her more than I love myself and would have married that girl."

"If you loved her, why cheat? What happened?"

"It wasn't like I planned it. This chick came onto me at a tiki bar when I was drunk. I didn't even know the girl's name. My girlfriend saw the photos of us kissing online and the truth is, I don't even know how she got them. Anyway, Ivy dumped me, and I was heartbroken. HEY! Why am I telling you this? What are you writing?"

"Never mind that. So, you haven't been serious since then?"

"No. Why would I do that just to get my heart broken again? No thanks."

"You cheated... Mr. Vain. Not her."

Did she just smirk? What's with the snarky attitude? Did my therapist just take a shot at me?

"Well... ya. But I still loved her. It was just a one-night stand that meant nothing. I admit I screwed up. I've always taken responsibility for it."

"What would you have done in her situation?"

Kicked the guy's ass and dumped her, but I'm not admitting that out loud. "I don't know."

"You hesitated."

This bitch. I guess that's why she's the best. I should have known the dragon lady found the one therapist with mind-reading capabilities.

"Fine. I would have done the same thing. I lost her trust, and that's my fault. I never denied I screwed up." There, I admitted it. Dr. Hottie is asking too many questions.

"Do you still have regrets? Things you would like to say to her?"

"Yes. I would have told her I loved her because I never had the chance. Can I tell you something, Doc?"

"Of course, that's why we're here."

"Maybe I cheated because she left me. I was drunk that night, but maybe that's the reason I did it. I don't remember much about that night, but I know I started drinking because I knew I'd end up lost without her. I was depressed that she was going to travel the world and leave me all alone. Ivy was becoming a famous dancer and left me behind. I've told no one that, and if you tell my parents, I'll deny I said it."

"No. This is doctor, patient confidentiality. You're an adult here. Tell me, do you think her newfound fame is why you become so obsessed with being a celebrity yourself? Maybe you're trying to prove something to her?"

Yes.

"No. I don't know?"

Great Dr. Hottie is smirking again. I hate when women are right.

"I think this is a good place to stop. We'll pick this up at the same time next week. I want to take this time to tell you that my methods are very... untraditional. Would you have a problem if I used my designed methods to dig into this? I believe it will help you deal with some things that have been haunting you."

"Like what methods?"

"Let's just take this one step at a time. Can you trust I have your best interest at heart?"

"Well... my mom referred me to you. I trust her, so I guess I trust you."

Doctor Hottie finally gave me a nice smile.

"Good. You'll understand once we get further into this process. Here's a journal. Why don't you spend a few minutes every day writing some thoughts? Try reflecting on why fame has become so important to you."

"I'm not getting out of this, am I?" I roll my eyes.

"No. I told your parents to make sure they encourage you to take fifteen minutes a day to write. There will be no discussions with them unless you tell me otherwise."

"I'll have to think about that. I have to let them know some things for my dad to go along with my plans."

"Your decision. We'll discuss it next week."

"Fine. This sucks."

"Better this than the mental institution your parents were ready to have you committed into."

What? Can they do that?

"What? Are you serious?"

There is that damn smirk again. I'm going to make the old man miserable this week.

"See you next week... Mr. Vain."

Yep. Smug comment. That was definitely a shot. I hate the way she says my name like it's some smart-ass remark.

"Next week, Dr. Hottie."

"Dr. Hicks."

"I could call you a..."

"Don't even think about it!" she snapped.

I'm going to have fun messing with her. "Are you telepathic or something?"

"Maybe... maybe not," she said with a wink.

I think I may have met my match with this one.