Missing Heaven

Chapter 1

Twenty more minutes. I'm looking at the bottom right side of the computer. Silence starts to rule the place as computers start to dim. The city library closes at five and this cover letter is like taking forever. I don't know why clicking here and there did not bring me yet to cover letter samples. The sight of this piece of paper where I listed the requirements is sickening, and my new coat stained with latte is starting to give me that sticky feeling. Just the thought of not being hired with all of these is honestly annoying.

Five minutes left after clicking SEND and my application is done. I turned off the computer, packed my things then left the E-library area. When I reached the door, I smiled and waved Miss Annie goodbye. She is the librarian on duty that time, and definitely the most kind-hearted one. She is in her late fifties, a bona fide of the hundred-year-old library of Clover City. Her gray hair in a perfect bun and old school eyeglasses remind me so much of my grandmother. Her warm greetings to the library goers are heartwarming, and it tears me apart to ignore such a kindred soul. She instantly smiled and waved in return.

Beside the post office across the Municipal Hall, there is a department store. I dropped by to grab something for supper and midnight snack, and then went home, just a ride away from the town proper. I had put the paper bags on the table, took off my coat and shoes, and then threw my sling bag on the headboard. I opened the window as I pull the chair and there you go, instant air condition. I loosened up my ponytail for my head to breathe as well. It's been tough since my one-year contract at Pluma Publishing had ended. Seven active applications since the start of the workweek. I turned down one due to the location, two interviews yesterday that I didn't see leading to contract signing, and another one this morning that might just end up the same as the two. Instantly, I called Becky and Hero who are in the freelancing jobs for tips. But it's such an inopportune time. Becky's Gucci was snatched and she was in a police station somewhere in Makati. Hero is in a private resort somewhere he doesn't want to let me know. Obviously, that doesn't sound good because it's quite opposite to what I usually know about names Becky and Hero.

"Hello", I heard a voice from outside, followed by several knocks on the door.

Puzzled, I put my slippers on and headed to the door. It doesn't sound like Mrs. Fujiwara, my landlady and I'm not expecting anyone either. When I opened the door, a beautiful lady is standing in front of me.

"Yes?" I asked, wondering.

"Miss Celestine?" she answered my question with another question

"Yes, that's me" I confirmed with a smile

"Oh, thank God, I got it right this time" she sighed in relief

I knew it. Last week, a delivery boy came knocking at my door about an order I didn't order. I don't order online. A woman about my age on another unit across mine was calling out. Silver gate, white door. Then I snapped and the delivery boy will receive his paycheck with a smile.

I see a resemblance with my landlady, but I doubt if she's one of her daughters because Mrs. Fujiwara said her two daughters are studying abroad. So maybe she's a relative. I honestly don't know if I will ask her or will just wait for her to introduce herself.

"By the way, I'm Hikari, Mrs. Fujiwara's niece. She left yesterday for a sudden business meeting out of town and it will take her days before going home, that's why she told me to come over for some errands. It's about the 3-month deposit for the rent Miss Celestine ---" she stated but stopped because I interrupted.

"Oh I'm so sorry! It must be the other way around, me going there instead of you coming here" I said, really embarrassed

"No, I didn't mean coming to collect the payment" she explained. She's about to say something again but stopped when I've already spoken.

"I understand, but since you are here already, would it be okay to give you my payment now because I'm afraid I might spend it for my other expenses." I said a bit worried.

"Oh yes sure, Miss Celestine" she said. "Oh excuse me for a while, I have to answer my call" said she when her phone rang.

"Yes, please. Take your time" I said then hurried inside to get my money.

After a while, I came back with the money I had put in an envelope. She's there standing smiling at me. I handed her the envelope.

"Thank you. I'm afraid I have to go, Miss Celestine. It's auntie who called and I have to leave," she said apologetically.

"No problem, you need to go then. Some other time for coffee?"

"Sure. I do love that," she said then she went.

I locked the door, went inside and tossed my tired body on the bed to give it a rest before I'll have my supper later on. This is really a very tiring week. My nape and back are starting to ache. This interview this morning is really making me feel bad and embarrassing up until now, I can't get it off my mind. I've got few more applications and I think I could lay low this week and just wait for calls.

Stretching my hands and feet like the way people in the gym do, I dream of a one-hour bath, a regular sleep and a real, real, meal. I feel so afraid and pathetic listening to my bones cracking because it doesn't seem to be some kind of exercise or relaxation anymore. I couldn't imagine it would reach this point.

It's getting dark but I can't seem to get up to close the window and turn on the lights. It's getting cold as well even in summer nights. I thought of just letting the window open for a little longer. The air in the evening is even more soothing and calming in the mind. I hope to feel better.

Chapter 2

From John Keats to Fanny Brawne

My dearest girl,

"...I cannot exist without you - I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again - My life seems to stop there - I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I was dissolving - I should be exquisitely miserable without the hope of soon seeing you. I should be afraid to separate myself far from you. My sweet Fanny, will your heart never change? My love, will it? Love is my religion - I could die for that - I could die for you."

Yours forever, John Keats

13.10.1819

I'm sipping a mug of coffee while wiping my tears away. I'm silently reading this letter I saw while looking for cover letter samples. I don't know how on earth did cover letters got into love letters. 'What a coincidence', I thought. Then Jaimee Sullivan on A Walk to Remember popped up in my head saying, 'Nothing's coincidence'. I don't know how to react.

It's Sir John Keats's letter for his Fanny --- on the day I was born. I pitifully hid my face in the right corner of my unit, wiping my tears when I've read this at the library, now I'm wiping my tears again. Something inside really hurts.

I saw a picture of Crim on Facebook hugging a woman, and there's no more birthday cards since we graduated. It was actually Crimson at first but when he asked me to tutor him on some major subjects, I realized Crimson is like for the ones whom he doesn't want to let in, the way he lets others in. He's a bit aloof but is a kindhearted guy to the core.

This woman he's hugging is Pepper Hermosa, but Peppery Pepper or Pepper the Peppery for some. They won't call her that way if they just want to call her that way. I'm not fond of name calling, some colleagues are. Even when I saw Crim hugging her and it seems like she likes it so much in an ugly way, I don't see her flaws --- I see how she looks at Crim. I've never been this know-it-all kind of person but I can never be mistaken on that one. Pepper calls him Crim too.

Nearly done with my coffee and I keep on scrolling on my phone. No new e-mail messages. No calls. One new text message. It brightens the day. I opened it, read it and did what it instructed. E-mail sent. While waiting, I did the dishes and took a bath --- an hour bath that I've dreamed of. Almost two hours had passed but there's no reply. I sat down pondering. A few moments after, my brow raised automatically. "Scam", I mumbled in disappointment. This is definitely one of the things where I wanted to believe the saying, "When it rains, it pours".

Putting my socks on, my phone blinked. Another text message. 'Oh, give me a break. How could I be so dumb' I thought to myself, twitching my lips. Absentmindedly, I tossed my five-year-old phone up in the air that fell on my bed. Suddenly, I'm trying to remember what I'm supposed to do. "Oh yes", I snapped and flied to my closet. I'm drying my hair with a towel while my eyes wander on the four corners of my closet, as if I have varieties of garb to choose from. Checkered long sleeves, navy blue jeans, brown coat, and my high-cut. After putting some make-up on, I grabbed my backpack hanging on the wall, put my things and I think I'm good to go. I pulled down the fuse and finally left the apartment.

An absolutely perfect spot at the town plaza is much better. I turned my laptop on that instantly connected at the city Wi-Fi and worked on replying to some unread messages on my e-mail. Then a couple showing some PDA passed by. My brow raised automatically and looked down when the woman happened to look in my direction. I'm worried that she might think of anything wrong. I gulped on my bottled water hoping she would think I'm nonchalant. I really am nonchalant. It's just that, I rarely see couples who are that public. I smiled at her. She smiled back sweetly. 'Thank God', I sighed in relief. My head is now pinned on my laptop. I swear I'm not going to look at the passersby anymore. When I put the bottle aside, another couple approaches, old ones this time. They are holding each other's hand. The old man's hand with a tissue landed on the old woman's mouth savoring a mouth-watering shawarma. My heart melts as much as my tummy growls. 'Didn't I say I'm not going to look at the passersby anymore?', I thought to myself, feeling so pathetic. 'I can't take this anymore', I thought of leaving the place.

"I should be afraid to separate myself far from you.", the line from the love letter popped up in my head. I came to a halt. My eyes surely didn't mean to look at the old couple I feel my eyes hurt, being disgusted with the view. My chest is starting to feel burdened, my hands shaking. I want to look away but I hated myself when I realized, what I should have done is no to look at all. Tears are falling down my face again. 'Crim'. I whispered his name. My phone vibrated indicating a call, and interrupting a melancholic atmosphere. It's Becky. I wiped my tears.

"Becky" I said trying to sound okay

"You okay?" she asked

"I'm okay" I answered

"'Cause you sent me some files" she said

"H-huh?" I said, my brow raised

Confused, I looked at my e-mail. Then I snapped when I saw that I had sent her samples of essays and academic papers. The company asked me to submit samples of my previous works but I had mistakenly sent them to Becky.

I feel like telling her to come over to help me peel off some potatoes and we're going to make some mashed potatoes and cook her favorite chicken curry for supper but I remember I'm no like Princess Sarah. I could imagine her telling me to join the club instead, and there's nothing to worry about 'cause there's no membership fee.

"I'm about to call you actually" she sounded serious

"And I'm about to leave" I said frowning

"Huh?"

"Never mind. What about anyway?"

"Peppery Pepper announced a reunion for Batch 2010" she stated, saying 'Peppery Pepper' as if it's not a pet name.

"I'm coming over and I'm going to be staying for days", she added.

"That's nice"

"I need to go, okay? See you soon, bye" she said and did not let me say a word anymore.

Chapter 3

Steamed rice, fried milkfish and hotdogs, mushroom soup, chocolate ice cream for dessert, and a half pitcher of iced tea, in my small wooden dining table. I can say that's a real meal, beside the window wide open. I enjoyed my lunch for one hour, getting my head free from work for a while. A burp had confirmed such a wonderful meal. I cleaned the table and did the dishes.

The wind blowing so generously from the window makes my eyes drop, lying a bit relaxed on my bed. 'I cannot exist without you – I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again – My life seems to stop there – I see no further'. Those lines, it's like telling me something. I love what it says and want to give it more thought but...

"Celestine", it's the very first time of hearing my name in a husky tone. My heart skipped a beat, I can't deny. Searching for the voice, I regret I didn't pretend that I didn't hear anything. Walking towards me is Crimson Flores. I hear my heart beating louder. "In Spanish it means heaven or heavenly. Such a beautiful name", he said looking at me intently, maybe looking for some proof of heaven in me, and will surely be disappointed because I don't look angelic.

"It is", I said when I was able to gasp some air. " If not with my last name", I continued

"Really?" he faced me eagerly. I got him wondering

"Falta. It means lacking or missing" I said like blurting out an ugly truth

"Oh, missing heaven. I see. Nevertheless, a beautiful lady" he said, giving me that broad heart-melting smile, left me with the deafening beat of my heart and reddening cheeks.

Usually, it's the typical crying myself to sleep. But that afternoon, I woke up with tears in my eyes. It's something inside that I couldn't always ignore. It hurts so much --- so much that my tears won't stop from falling down my face.

Beautiful dream. That was on the first day of our freshman year, one of the most unforgettable moments in my life I would never write on any slam book 'cause I want to keep it to myself. It's been a decade, and to dream about it so detailed, I cried even more.

"Crimson is a strong, deep red color that means strong, vivid and power. Not very far from the person standing right in front of you. I am Crimson Flores, sixteen years old, graduated from Xavier Academy..."

That was Crimson Flores in front of the class on our first day of school in the never-ending "introduce yourself" portion. I remember him in his white polo, khaki pants and white flat rubber shoes. His dark shiny hair touches his thin curvy eyebrows that reminds me of the young Justin Bieber.

This is bad. I think I really do miss him. Becky's call this morning is starting to sink in. Reunion. It's making me feel nervous. Reunion amidst these. I don't know how to react anymore. The heavens seem like being too hard on me.

April. It's his birth month. Pepper's idea is not a surprise and it doesn't feel good at all. I feel like the heavens worked on something against me while I'm away. I know that I have no right to feel anything against them --- but I feel like I've been cheated. I was Crim's seatmate and tutor. We get along so well and we were more than just that. I felt that I swear. I would never mistake the way he looks at me, the way he calls my name, and Pepper's never there. Now, I'm the one not in there. Something inside really hurts.

***

"And it's hard to let you go,

Though I know that I must try

I feel like I've been cheated

'Cause we never said goodbye"

Headphones on and it's 3:50 in the morning. The lines seem to hit so hard. A name is again echoing inside of a mind at peace. Irresistible. Then as usual, more than ust the name. An image, harboring in such a way.

It's Saturday and someone's trying to get back to sleep 'cause yesterday was like hell, meeting deadlines for next week's most anticipated class reunion. Twenty-ninth of April. The date was set and it's final.

***

"These two are actually daring," Becky said holding a white off-shoulder gown looking at me like a professional fashion designer. "But this looks better for you" she said again holding a hot pink long dress on her right, getting annoyed at me who's having a mouthful of cheeseburger she brought when she arrived early in the morning. I seem to be disinterested to what she's saying and I admit that's true. A black gown too is lying on her lap. She says this and that but they all look daring to me. I'm not that fond of fashion, but I can tell if it looks good on me or not. She gave me that long stare like the way I stare at her clothes.

'Oh no, she's serious', I thought, avoiding her gaze. I want to ask her about the delicious cheeseburger but I held back, thinking it will annoy her even more. I know that Crim will be there since it will be held at their hotel but I don't want him to think that I'm all on the physical.

"You can have more than these cheeseburgers there" said she, looking at me as if I'm a beggar who found a treasure on the garbage can.

"Ouch"

"And you'll gonna thank God, having a friend like me, 'cause you'll not just gonna look like a contractual employee"

"But I am"

"Oh God, give me a break" said she and had a bite of the burger

"Of course, I know what you're saying" I said, this time with a spoonful of macaroni soup. "But you know what, what's on the outside is just easy to hide, but not on the inside", now I'm the one getting annoyed. I know that I don't have to hide from Becky when it comes to me and Crim, she's a friend since college, but there are still times that it annoys me whenever it's being brought to the surface.

"Need to take a bath now, okay?" said she in a normal tone then put her clothes back to her luggage.

"Yeah," I answered softly.