Mine: Feelings or Family?

"Close your eyes" a sturdy voice said from behind. "Find it with your mind's eye. Feel it with your heart." the voice continued. "It all depends on you and how you feel. Don't deny it. Relax. Open up. Follow it with your brain, see it with your mind's eye. Feel it with your heart. Listen to its rhythm."

"What can you see?" the voice asked.

" A man" I replied fearlessly and calmly. " A lonely man"

"How far away is he?"

"A few meters away from me"

"This is the break of your dawn. This is your calling" the voice said echoing and diminishing.

"Wake up. You have to meet your father today. Have you forgotten? Get ready to go to him. Don't forget to apply enough oil on your skin and shea butter in your hair. Wear the clothes on the table at the entrance." my grandmother said.

"Ok." I said half asleep.

It was all a dream. Whose voice, was that? Who was the man in her dream? Even though he was just a few meters away from me, he looked blurred. I liked his physique. He was tall and well built. Why was he lonely? And what was he doing in my dream? I wished I could go back to the dream world to find out more. After bathing, I applied lavender oil on my skin and shea butter to my hair. I took the pieces of clothes and wrapped them around my breast and my waist exposing my bare shoulders and tummy. The wrapping cloth for my waist was just a few inches above my knee. I felt the beads around my waist shake as I moved but I ignored them. My dark skin was glowing, even though the sun was not yet up.

"Nana, I am off" I told my grandmother.

"Ok, extend my greetings to your father"

"Ok, Nana".

My father's hut was just a few meters away from my grandmother and my hut. He doesn't live with any of his two wives even though he lives only a few meters away from their huts. His heart is a little bent towards me. My mother died a few months after she gave birth to me. My father and I lost her to a plague. He has been favoring me since then because he loved my mother deeply before she died.

"As early as always" Buka, my father said as he walked towards his hut. "You look more beautiful today. Hurry! Come in"

"Ok, papa" I said while entering his hut.

The sweet aroma of brewed pear and chrysanthemum flower greeted me. As always, his lantern was on but dimmed and his mat was rolled. He smiled at me and I smiled back. My father has proved himself to be tough and stern. He hardly smiles at me even though he was always calm in all his dealings with me. He is the general of the Wailand army and trains very hard even though he is aging.

"Papa, I heard you called for me"

"Yes, I did. Serve me some tea and let's talk."

He kept smiling at me and this made me confused. He hardly smiles let alone as wide as he was smiling now. What was he going to talk about? Why was he smiling broadly? Anyway, it will definitely be good news to have him smile like that. He had already brewed his tea, so i just took a teacup and filled it to its brim.

"Here you are, papa"

"Sit" he said as he took the teacup from me.

I sat down by turning my legs backward and sitting on my heels. I looked at him trying to figure out why he was smiling.

"I just noticed how beautiful you have become. If you want to know how your mother looked like, just stare at your reflection in still and clean water. You just like her. Very beautiful."

"Oh, papa" I said coyly.

"You are now a woman. I don't like the idea of you wielding a sword. I have trained you so that you can be happy. But it's time to move on. You are a woman. The performance of the customary rites and celebration ushering you into womanhood is only seven days from today. Prepare to move into your husband's house after the celebration"

"But papa, i don't want to get married now. You know i love to wield a sword and train with your men. You know me very well. Why now?"

"You're now a woman. You should start thinking of having a family. Don't worry, i won't send you off with just any man. I want the best for you."

"Papa, i said i don't want to marry now. I had my first ever period only last month and you are thinking of getting rid of me already" I said with tears trickling down my face.

"I have found you a wonderful suitor. The king has paid for your bride price for one of the princes" he replied ignoring my earlier comment.

I have been training with the fourteen older princes and we were friends. I even saw them as my brothers! They were handsome, skilled, and well trained. They were the dream men of women in the Wailand but not mine. I didn't know they badly wanted to call me sister-in-law.

"Which of the princes?"

I knew he wouldn't answer me because it was a tradition. I would know the person after the celebration, that's if i am lucky. Most girls don't see the men until the eve of their marriage.

"Is it Diemo? Zima? Ndaka? Mbigu? Shyade?" i asked desperately trying to see if his countenance will soften at the hearing of the name. But it was all in vain. "Go back home and get ready for the ceremony"

"Papa, can you re-think this decision? Kindly think of my interest too. I don't want to marry now. No, not now" i said as i stood up to leave.

I knew he had already made up his mind, nothing i would do will make him change his decision. Whoever it is, I will definitely find out during or after the ceremony. And i won't hesitate to walk to him to cancel our engagement since i don't want to marry now.

I walked home feeling very sad. Maybe I can persuade my grandmother. She's the only option I have now. But hey! When my father makes up his mind, not even his mother can make him go against himself. Maybe I should try persuading my grandmother. Maybe, he will listen to her this time.

"Hey, Zui!" Feya, my only friend said. "Why that long face? Wait! Are you crying? Who dares bully you this early morning? Are you coming from your father's place?"

Feya can talk for hours without getting tired. She has been my only friend so long as I can remember. What do I tell her now? She always has a way of helping. She can come up with a bright idea as soon as possible. That's why we have been friends for so long.

"Feya, help me!" I said with a sad face. "I badly need your help now."

"With what?"

"My father is trying to send me away."

"To where?"

"To the palace"

"To do what?"

"To marry one of the princes"

"Isn't that good news?" she exclaimed. "Wait! Are you crying because of that? Are you serious? Who doesn't want to be a princess?"

"I don't want to marry right now!"

"Really? What do you want to do right now? Be a female Buka?"

"Yes, or even better"

"Do you understand yourself?" she looked puzzled. " Listen, some roles are for men. Running, climbing, battling, and fighting are for men. All a woman has to do, is to eat well, look good, have children, raise them diligently, and love her husband. So simple!"

"Feya, I always thought you were smart" I said shaking my head.

"Do you like someone else?"

"Feya, come back home! You think too much." I said and began to walk away.

"I have a plan. But I don't think it can save from getting married but at least it can save you from getting married immediately after the ceremony"

"What plan?" I asked anxiously

"Feign illness, immediately after the celebration. At least, it can save you some time to think about what to do next."

"Feya, you're a genius!"

"That's me!" she replied happily.

"I have to go now. We'll meet at the riverside"

The thought of getting married didn't scare me much, as compared to the thought of entering the palace. I could recall my grandmother saying "the palace is full of people, yet everyone is lonely. It is full of riches yet, all those who live in it are poor" almost all the time. I don't want to be lonely and poor, I thought as I entered my hut.

"Zui, what happened? You don't look happy" my grandmother asked.

"Nana is always complaining about her poor sight, but she can see in this dark hut" I exclaimed.

She coughed and replied "I am not blind. Just that I can't see as I used to. Come and sit beside me"

I sat beside her on the mat, still looking sad.

"Now tell me, why are you like this after returning?"

"Nana, father said I should prepare to move into my husband's house after the performance of the customary rites. But you know I don't want to marry right now."

"Is that why you are crying?" she asked. "When do you intend to marry?"

"A year or two from now"

"Why not now?"

"I want to learn archery before I marry."

"You can still learn after you marry."

"But I don't think papa will allow me. He told me; those things are for men."

"He's right. But I can talk to him to let you learn it after you marry"

"Hmmm," I sighed. "What if he objects?"

"You're a woman. You should focus on what women do."

"Nana, you know me more than anyone does"

"Don't worry, I will talk to him. Go and sweep the compound. Prepare something for us to eat after sweeping. Make sure to go and wash the clothes at the riverside before the sun appears."

"Ok, Nana." I replied and went out to perform all the household chores.

Maybe I can wield the sword after all, maybe I can learn archery after all. But do I want to marry right now? No, I don't want to. The palace is a place where people are so concerned with manners, customs and traditions. I have spent most of my time learning swordsmanship and didn't really care about manners, customs and traditions. The palace will suffocate me, I thought. I won't be able to move about like I do now.

"Good morning, Zui" Mbola, one of my stepsisters greeted.

"Good morning, Mbola. What brings you here this time of the day"

"Papa has asked me to bring these things to you. He said keep them well, you will be using them during the ceremony. I will move in with you, tomorrow and stay here till the ceremony is over. Is Nana in there?"

" Thank you. Yes, she's in there but she is still asleep"

"Ok, extend my greetings to her when she wakes up. I am leaving."

"Ok, I will. Take care"

The clothes and beads for the ceremony have been sent to me. I only have to exercise patience for some days. I will surely know whom I was going to marry. Now my greatest fear isn't getting married, by how to survive in the palace. The palace walls look beautiful and strong and protective, yet they were the most defenseless walls ever.

Seconds turned into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days and soon it was the day for the ceremony. My heart was filled with excitement. I was so excited that I forgot all about my fears. Mbola woke me up immediately the cock crowed. She was kind and respectful than all her sisters. She kept a peaceful aurora and was hardworking. That's why papa sent her, I guess.

"Mbola, help Zui to dress up. It's getting late. We have to get there before the queen and wives of the king arrive." Nana said.

I went out a few minutes later, stood in front of Nana and proudly asked,

"How do I look?"

"Stunningly beautiful!" she replied. "Your father will be here very soon to accompany you".

"Ok, Nana"

Buka appeared a few minutes later, looked at me for a few seconds and said;

"My heart skipped a beat when I saw you. You are the most beautiful girl in this land"

"Thank you, papa" I said smiling shyly.

"May I?" he asked and helped me to get on a horse.

He rode with me on the horse till we got to the venue. The stool-like stones were arranged in a circular form. I was among the fifteen girls who were going to be ushered into womanhood, before dusk. I was asked to sit on one of the stones and I did. The rites were performed immediately the queen arrived. When the ceremony was halfway through, three eunuchs, two palace maids and two elders from the palace were seen approaching the venue. The queen and the other wives of the king were surprised to see them but remained calm as they approached the venue. They stood behind the crowd until the ceremony was over. The two elders went to greet the queen and told her; they were there to pass on a decree from the king. She gave them permission to go ahead. The eunuchs placed the stool in the middle of the circle and one elder began to talk.

"Zui Mwaga, obey the King's decree!".

I stood up, feeling tensed, walk towards the elders, and knelt down in front of them. The two palace maids helped me to sit on the stool.

The elder continued, "On this day, you have been betrothed to a member of the royal family. The marriage rites will be performed in three days. Accept the decree of the King"

"I accept it" I replied and bowed to the elders.

A few minutes later, they sought permission to leave from the Queen and carried the stool along.

The Queen and the other wives of the King kept smiling at me, but I knew beneath their smiles were confusion, hatred and breath of fire. I walked to my father and stood beside him. He smiled gracefully at me while I clutched my fingers and forced a smile. When the ceremony was over, Buka and I walked to the queen to express our gratitude for her presence. She looked fiercely at me and said,

"Judging from the stool that was brought, your daughter will be marrying a high-ranking member of the Royal family. Is it the King?"

Buka smiled briefly and replied " Be rest assured my queen. My daughter will not come after you for your position"

"Hahahahaha....." the queen laughed. "For my position? She dares not!"

The queen then turned to me, and said,

"Congratulation! You will be a member of the royal family soon."

"Thank you, my queen" I replied with a crooked smile while bowing my head.

The queen left the venue immediately. The other wives congratulated me and left. Was I going to marry the King himself? No way! I will never marry that old man. Feya came to hug me and congratulated me wholeheartedly. Little did she know about how worried, mistaken and wronged I felt. I forced a smile and replied to all the congratulatory messages which were flooding at my doorstep. Buka helped me to sit on the horse again rode behind again. After riding for a few minutes in absolute silence, I decided to break the silence.

"Papa, you told me I was going to marry a prince. But it turns out to be the King, right?" I asked.

Buka didn't reply. Silence means consent. I was going to marry the King, certainly not a prince. Tears of frustration and anger began to trickle down my face. A few minutes later, we got to my compound and Buka helped me to get off the horse. He saw my tears and whispered,

"You've had enough today. You need some rest. Go in and rest"

"Ok, papa" I said and walked away from him and entered my hut.

I sat on my mat and cried for hours. I have to come up with something as soon as possible since feigning illness will not be enough to save me from the marriage. Suddenly, I came up with an idea. ESCAPE! Yes, I am going to escape.

I will escape tonight, when everyone is asleep. How can I leave without alarming Nana? She was a light sleeper and would be wide awake if she hears any sound. I have to be extra careful. How I wish it was midnight! But the sun was still up.

"Can I come in?" Nana asked. I knew she was there to tell me to calm me down. She was afraid I would cry myself to sleep. After all, I was going to escape. Why do I have to keep her waiting?

"Yes, Nana" I replied unable to hide my displeasure.

"Let me sit beside you on the mat" she said and tried to sit beside me.

"Ok, Nana"

"You have been crying for so long that, I was afraid you would pass out." She paused when she heard no reply, she continued. "Why are you crying instead of jubilating? This news calls for jubilation. You should be proud of yourself."

"Nana, I don't want to marry the King?"

"Every woman wants to marry the King. Why don't you want to marry him?"

"He is too old for me. He is even older than papa, I guess"

Nana smiled and asked, "What did Buka tell you?"

"He told me I was going to marry a prince not the King!"

"So, you feel deceived. Has he ever deceived you?"

"No"

"Cheer up! Even if you marry the King, you will be better off. Don't cry too much. You don't have to look miserable. You have to look your best, especially now. I will let Mbola bring you something to eat. For the three days ahead, you have to stay in your room. You will have to come out of your hut only at dawn and at dusk. Make sure to have enough rest. I am going to pay Buka a visit tomorrow. Do well to calm yourself down. Help me get up"

"Ok, Nana" I said and helped her get on feet.

She walked slowly out of my hut. Was she going to intercede on my behalf? Or was she going to assist Buka in the preparation?

"Is anyone here?" a husky male voice shouted.

"Yes!" Nana replied.

Nana walked out of her hut to meet him.

"Mbola, bring our guest a seat and something to drink" Nana ordered.

"No need, Nana. I have to go back as early as I can to handle an affair" the voice replied.

The voice was familiar, so I wanted to clear my doubt. I stood up and looked out of my window in an attempt to find out whom it was. Of course! It was Ndaka, one of the princes. He is the son of the second wife of the King. His mother's family was very powerful and his family was in charge of most of the affairs of Wailand. With him, were seven palace maids, four palace eunuchs, two palace elders, Buka and three loaded horses.

"I have been asked by my father, the King, to deliver these things in preparation of the marriage rites. Please, do accept them." Ndaka said and continued "the palace maids and eunuchs will be left here to live with you till the marriage rites have been performed. Seven men from the army will be selected to guard the bride-to-be until the rites are over."

After saying that, Ndaka looked in the direction of my hut and saw me looking at them from the window on my hut. He smiled shyly and looked back at Buka and Nana and said;

"Without much ado, I will take my leave."

"Thank the King on our behalf!" Buka said with a smile "and thank you too, Your Highness for bringing them"

Ndaka nodded, climbed his horse and set off with the elders following closely behind him. The palace maids and eunuchs began to unload the horses and they carried the things into the hut of my grandmother. I sat on my mat and began to think. With the palace maids and eunuchs here, escaping will be difficult. And it will be even harder to escape when the palace guards arrive. I can't lose my guard now.

"Mother, Gjala and Nwa will come here to help you with the preparation" Buka said. "I have already sent a messenger to inform them. They will be here, very early tomorrow morning to help you. Keep an eye on Zui. Don't let her do anything stupid. I will send the guards as soon as possible"

"Ok." Nana replied with no emotion. "Take care. Send someone to Mjoka's house to tell Feya and her mother I need their help"

"I will, mother" he said and set off.

It would be very difficult for me to even leave my room if my two step mothers, Gjala and Nwa, arrive. They never liked me and never cherished seeing me. They will go strictly by the rules and will have me locked up in my hut. I need to think about something right now. I looked around took two clothes I hardly use, wrapped them around my body so that no one would be able to tell I was wearing two sets of clothes. I walked out sadly to prevent anyone from knowing my intentions.

"Where are you going to? Nana asked me.

"To the toilet" I replied.

"Let two the palace maids accompany you"

"Nana, who has heard of such a thing before? I don't want to be ridiculed. I can go alone"

"It's either you go with the maids or you stay in your room"

"Fine, let them follow me!"

Nana looked at them and suddenly two of the seven maids stood up to follow me. They accompanied me in silence until I got to the toilet.

"I want to enter alone" I said.

"Ok, madam" they replied in a chorus and moved a few steps back.

The toilet had two entrance. I would leave through the other entrance I thought. I unwrapped my clothes and unwrapped the two clothes from my body. I wrapped the cloth I was wearing earlier on my body, went out through the second door and hid the two clothes under a cave-like rock. I went back to the toilet and went outside through the door from which I entered. The two palace maids were still there, waiting for me. I can't escape in the day. Because it will be easy for me to be trailed. I would have to leave at night. I knew escaping will be very difficult but I was determined to give it a try. I walked back home with the maids following closely behind me. I washed my hands and went back to my room. I have completed the first plan successfully. I looked around for Rwanwa, my sword. It was given to me on my sixteenth birthday by Buka and I named it after my late mother, Rwanwa. I have kept it safely and never used it. Maybe, time is up for me to use it.

"Rwanwa, keep me safe. I don't know how to do this but I will succeed because I have your blood and Buka's as well" I whispered silently to myself.

I hid the sword under my mat and decided to sleep so that I will be able to wake up at midnight to start my journey. I laid on the mat for more than two hours and was still not able to sleep because my mind kept roaming. I felt excited and afraid at the same time. I couldn't control my ambivalent feelings. I woke up late at night and began to wonder when I slept. I pushed that thought away and began to execute plan two. I looked through the window to see if anyone was outside. I suddenly remembered that guards were around. I also saw three maids and two eunuchs at the entrance of my room. How will I escape? I shook my lantern and realized the oil in it was not much. I looked into a pot in my room and realized there was enough oil in it. I took my sword and placed it on a table. I poured the oil on my mat and spread it across the room. I took the lantern and dropped it. It worked! Suddenly, my mat caught fire. I took my sword and stood a few steps away from the fire. I was waiting for the fire to be more intense before I would take my next step. When the fire got to a point, I shouted;

"Fire!" and ran out of my room. Suddenly all the eunuchs, maids and guards went to fetch water and were focused on putting off the fire. Nana walked out of her room and shouted,

"Where is Zui?" she looked frightened.

"I am here Nana"

"Are you safe?"

"I am alright, Nana"

She walked to me and said, "when you get to the toilet, there is an oak tree on the left of the cave-like rock. Feya is waiting for you there. Leave before they notice it"

"Nana, how did you know I wanted to escape?"

"Hurry, Feya is waiting!"

I set off at once in the direction of the toilet.