MY MESSED UP TEEN

My name is Anna and I'm 16 years old. My life pretty sucks as I am pretty famous at the hospital and rehab. I struggle with depression, I'm emotionally unstable, rape and family issues contend with the leftover pieces of my sanity. Yet for some odd reason my studies aren't really affected.

My life is full of experiences, I know right! I never had a beautiful memory. At least none that I can recall.

Never had someone to love me. I grew up in a broken home where nothing mattered except keeping secrets and pretending to be okay.

If my life had an eulogy, it would go like this ;

"WOE! TO THE PRINCESS OF THE DARK.

she walks amidst the dangerous sea

her soul crieth but all in vain.

Born to a life of dreadful whore...

her tears flow down a lake of sorrows

blood dripping down her flawless skin...

She cries but no one hears her plea...

Her voice echoes a sound of fear ...

Who can save her from herself?

Who would heal her deepened wounds...?

At night she crawls up to the dark

Seeking refuge in her pain...

No one seems to see her tears

for she lives a life of lonely days

Woe! to the princess of the dark..."

I always cried myself to sleep. Never had a reason to be happy. All I ever did was to drown in my thoughts and write my life in a poem; the only means I had of expressing myself. I never trusted anyone. My life was filled with fear from my parent's words "conceal it". A world of lies and deception.

It all started when I was about 6 years old. Mom never had a real bonding relationship with me...nanny did all her motherly duties and my father always had a bad temper.

He lost control with Mom and slapped her. I could remember I sat there crying, mom sobbing next to me. She got so mad she pushed me away and never cared how I felt.

I clearly didn't understand much but I could feel the heat rising in the house. Nanny always took care of me, she did her best, at least to her capability.

As I grew older, mom never seemed to understand how much I needed her, she was always out somewhere, dad never cared less, he beats her up, got drunk occasionally, yelled at everyone and vented his frustrations at me.

I never got the opportunity to share the happiness of being awarded best in my grades, unlike every other kid. I only kept up with average grades to avoid my parents backlash. My father never gave me moral support, neither did mom.

I was their only child; it was the least they could have done but it seemed they had me by chance. I was my moral support, I learnt the hard way, became withdrawn to myself, life became meaningless, days passing away like nothing else mattered.

It might seem like my life is some sort sentimental and pitiful... but I assure you, the truth cannot be left unveiled.

School seemed to be the only place I could get a little silence from, at least better that home. I never mingled with people only had two friends, Sarah and Alexa.

Walking down to school always felt like walking on sharp edges, I could hear the whispers from different sides, "there she goes. She never speaks ...look how lonely she friends, Sarah words worsened my self-esteem and confidence, I could only keep up with fair grades since that was my only positive distraction.

The year I turned twelve, I began my first period, I went to the bathroom, looking at my panties I almost freaked out. I had a little idea of what happened so I decided to tell Mom about it.

I knocked her room door, slowly opening it, she was on her phone as usual, sitting on the bed I mustered all the courage I had left in me and spoke softly, "hello Mom, I need to speak to you about something's replied reluctantly "Go on."I told her all that happened and what I should do about it since I only had little idea about the situation. She just said "go to your nanny. she'll help you deal with it."

Those words pierced my heart so deeply that I even wondered if she really was my birth mother. She spoke so cold to me like we weren't in good terms earlier, I felt so sad because my friends who were a little older than I was told me about their experiences and how their moms helped them lovingly, it made me start wondering if I even had anyone who cared for me. With a sad face, I went to nanny and she helped me cleanup.

We never really went to church on Sundays. Only occasionally. My world was built around pain concealed in my heart.

I wasn't allowed to speak up about my parent's broken marriage, neither was I given a chance to express myself and live a normal life like every other child the same way my friends did. I was always alone because we never had family gatherings. It made me wonder if our family was a secluded one, exempted from social interaction.

When I turned 13, my parents took in a son of their distant friends for old time's sake. His name was Brandon. I could remember the first day he got to our housemother was such a beauty to behold apparently. He was 17 years old. His had dark blue eyes and an enticing masculine structure.

Mom voiced out "Anna, meet Brandon, he's going to be living with us for some time. "I didn't care less if Mom feigned being too happy but was in a hurry to get back to my room. Dad spoke a bit louder. "Anna, why're you such in a hurry? show Brandon to his room."

I remained calm and tried to welcome him in the best happy tone I could find.

Getting back to my room was like escaping and going into my comfort zone. I lay down on my bed dumbfounded, not knowing what next to do as every day seemed the same.

It suddenly came across my mind that I didn't have an ambition.

why would I anyway? life wasn't meaningful to someone like me. I don't hope for nothing, I just lived the day as it came. My friends talk about their dream goals, but I never really opened up to them, only when I felt the need to so there was a limit to what they could talk to me about.

After school I always walked home alone quietly, I preferred that because I always felt at ease that way, my friends never really understood me, who were they to blame? After all, I never said much to them, I was like the odd one out of the trio. Sometimes I laughed with them...but the longer I did, the more I realize my life never had a touch of beauty to it.

Many times I wondered why I was born into the world since I never did anything special, I felt like a seed mistakenly dropped and sprouting on the land of earth.

When I turned 14, I instantly got attracted to an elite student at my school.

He was more like me, at least in my definition, he spoke less, had fewer friends and studied more.

His name was Dylan Mcleir. I couldn't explain how I felt but I knew I wanted his closure. Somehow, I felt he would be there for me whenever I needed. All those fantasies came clouding my judgement as I began to daydream about him hugging me, thought I'd probably get my first kiss from him.

It felt like my life now had a bright touch to it. Like It somehow now had a meaning. (call it serendipity but I found hope in something so futile). I was a bit careful trying to conceal it but out of my curiosity, I told my friends at the school cafeteria, they almost chocked.

Sarah looked at me surprised "I didn't think you would share such kind of news with us, I'm happy you're beginning to speak up more" Alexa added "we also have people we admire, we just thought you wouldn't want to hear about it but..." she giggled. "I think you're ready to have your first boyfriend".

For some reason I blushed and told them to keep quiet about it, but I should have guessed. Those lousy mouth of theirs wouldn't stop running. Sooner than we expected, Dylan walked past our table, little did we know that he sat opposite us and would literally hear all our conversations...As he walked past us, he smiled. "Hi."

At that point I felt like my heart was going to explode, never felt that way before. I literally couldn't talk, only my friends were able to reply him. When he left, they made fun of me. I tried to laugh but I knew Dylan must have heard every word and that left me with a heavy heart and unable to gulp down my food.

At home I couldn't stop reminiscing about what happened during the day, clouded with inexplicable emotions.

"I am so doomed!"

Just that moment, I could hear mom and dad arguing. " just an added burden..."I took my pillow, covered my ears and forced myself to sleep.

******************************************************

Getting to school, I was stuck up in my head, my mind just couldn't stop avoiding the fact that Dylan already knew how I felt about him and I worried so much of what he must have thought of me after that incident. I tried my best to avoid him every time. I felt like a prisoner escaping an ambush.

One day at school, I sat in the library. Trying to get my head stuck up in something other than my present embarrassment when I saw Dylan walk up to me.

He sat close to my table and I honestly couldn't feel my breath as he pressed on to hold a conversation. "Hi, I'm Dylan. Just wanted to say hello." he added "Do you maybe have a few moments to spare?".

Trying hard to catch my breath I replied in a low whisper. "yeah sure, what do u want to talk about?" He smirked looking into my eyes he says. "I want to be your friend, I like you and if I'm not mistaking, u like me too..."he paused and for a brief second I wondered how he could be so confident to walk up to me

I was caught up staring at his beautiful brown eyes before I was interrupted by his words. "I overheard your conversations with your friends." and that was it! I just sat there staring like a log of wood. I tried to pierce my skin and double wish for it to be over.

But it wasn't a dream, Dylan leaned forward and kissed my cheeks and I could swear that was the most magical day of my life. I chuckled as he held my hand in his; "I felt so dumb, but I knew I would even go numb for his beautiful palms. His hands were tender and gentle, brushing softly against mine as I felt a cold feeling gush from my head to my entire body. I could barely explain it, who cares anyway.

I was just too anxious and overwhelmed to inquire. We talked a bit more and believe me, feelings grew more, when I got home, I swear I had never been happier in my entire life.

I couldn't stop fantasizing about handsome Dylan. I couldn't control my excitement as I wrote them down in a poem dedicated to my dreamy Dylan.

" Behold the handsome shining knight.

For he draws his princess out the dark...

Amidst the troubles she faces alone

He has come to rescue his love

For she dies in silence and her heart is weak

she sights him from a stone afar ...

She is caught up in his web of love

A journey she thinks of no return...

His eyes, enough to drown a soul

the beauty of his heart seems pure

I hope his love is true and free

For the princess has fallen for his charm."

I lay down on my bed, smiling to myself.. imagining what he would do to me if we were alone ,then it came across my mind to know what physical intercourse really felt like. I heard silent gossips during football practice but none came close to the erratic feeling I was starting to discover within myself. Within a second i picked up my phone and searched about it,glancing through videos of erotic passion filling the air. Silent moans getting me heated in places that it shouldn't.

My gaze burned in intensity at each penetrating scenes. I watched several of the videos and felt my clitoris get harder as my heart beat increased . Feeling the urge to touch myself for the first time.

I placed my index and middle finger to my clit and started working my way towards a circular rhythm. The faster I did, the more my intensifying the pleasure.

I wanted more ,I just didn't want to stop. With each self inflicting pleasure,I continued the act routinely. Until my body convulsed into a crashing climax.

I lay back on my bed tired and exhausted...enjoying every moment as I drove off to sleep...

Getting up from bed, I was lost in my thoughts and fantasies. A sheepish smile spreads across my face while I walked down the hallway to the dinning room. Lost in my head that I didn't notice Brandon sitting in the living room. His words brought back my awareness to the present.

"Morning Anna, you're looking really good today, wow your legs are so nicely shaped, I love it". His words caught me by surprise and I didn't know how to respond to his oddly detailed pleasantries. I simply replied. "thanks".

I noticed there was something off about Brandon's unnecessary compliments, he always tried to find an opportunity to say something to me.

One cool afternoon, I was in my room sorting out some of my stuffs in only pink cotton lingerie and beach bra . As I tucked my hair strands behind my ears ,my eyes met Brandon staring at me .

Immediately he apologized. "I'm so sorry, I didn't think you'll be busy that's why I barged in... but I must say you're looking so damn hot today "he added and left. Leaving me with a look of worry and perplexed expression.

*******************************************************

Its been weeks since my friendship with Dylan began. we went to the cafeteria together ,spoke more often and even walked each other home. My friends were really excited about this improvement. Sarah commented "Anna ,I'm pretty sure you're gonna have sex with Dylan anytime soon, we've had ours and it really was the best experience, right Alexa?" to which she also nodded in agreement.

I wasn't too sure if I wanted to have sex with Dylan cause it felt too soon to predict and I felt too young to make such decision.

I was more into the idea than the actual deed. I wondered what it would feel like," how come I never heard the word 'sex 'from mom"? I wasn't surprised anyway at least I had the support of my friends.

A week passed and one cool Friday, Dylan invited me to his home. His family seemed like normal couples, very different from the parents I had at home. They were really nice and I could tell Dylan was living a free life. He led me by the hand to his room and we played cards ..then he said "let's play a mind reading game".

I was confused. He further said 'you would look me in the eye and tell me what is on my mind and I'll do the same to you". Naïve and excited, I agreed. I looked him in the eye trying hard to figure out his intentions then I said shyly in a low tone "you're thinking of placing your lips on mine considering your stern look.

He replied smiling."true..now it's my turn."

He looked me in the eyes and kept staring at me and it felt like we were in the moment. I wasn't thinking, my mind stopped wandering about as all my attention was on him. he came closer and whispered "you're anxious and you want me to go down on you right this minute "my heart began to beat faster and I swear I could feel my blood rising.

I just kept mute and stared at his beautiful eyes. He gently places his hands around my waist as he pressed his lips on mine gently sucking it in while I closed my eyes. His kisses we're sweet and soft, even better that I imagined as they landed on my lips making way into my mouth.

He engaged his tongue in mine and laid his hands on my breast; squeezing gently as he placed his other hand beneath my chin , supporting my neck. A soft moan escaped my mouth, then he looked me in the eye and smiled gently placing his lips to my earlobes biting them softly, I moaned louder and held him closer and could hear him whispering softly "oh Anna, I want you...I want you Soo bad!..

"His words were like sweetener to my ears as I felt an intense urge to have him to myself, I drew him closer and kissed him passionately as his hands touched me so gently moving down to my lower body, caressing my delicate skin with his hands .

He laid me and lied untop of me and I swear I could feel his penis close to my vagina with only clothes keeping them apart. Dylan kissed my neck making my moan intensify and I loved every second of it as his home theater played heaven by Julia Michaels.

He pulled my shirt and I helped him with his ,exposing his muscular chest as he kissed me hungrily. I just can't describe the feeling .He unhooked my white lace bra and made traces on my breast with his tongue ,the head of his penis tingled unbearably as I could feel the tip harden.

My entire body squirmed on the bed as he placed my nipples between his lips and fondled them with his teeth sucking them in fast enough to let them out, the soft noises of his sucking were making me go nuts ..I loved the pain and the sweetest all together making me suck in air "urgh!.."I just didn't want him to stop. He kissed every part of my breast leaving no section behind as I placed my hand on his back ,my legs around his waist.  

Dylan moved his lips gently beneath my breast as he kissed my navel and went further lower, i could feel his warm breaths on my skin. He came forward and kissed my lips even more as he raised my legs upwards slowly pulling my soft cotton lingerie leaving only my short skirt which he pulled up.

I whispered gently to Dylan "I'm really nervous. I don't think I'm ready yet.."he looked me in the eye reassuringly, "don't worry, just trust me okay ?"I nodded.

He pulled my legs and crossed them over his shoulders, holding my waist he leaned down to my already lubricated vagina .He kissed my clitoris, sucking it between his hungry lips, releasing it and gently sucking it back in .It felt like haven as I moaned louder gently running my fingers through his hair. "oh Dylan. I want you more." I said as I gasped for more air..

He kept sucking faster and rubbed my clitoris with his hands so fast, the pleasure was so intensifying as I groaned louder. "Dylan.. umm..oh yes urghh.."

He didn't let me go until my body couldn't take the pleasure anymore, I squirmed and moaned as my juices spilled over his face. he didn't care less as he licked every drop of it .I felt so exhausted, breathing heavily.

Dylan came closer and kissed my lips softly as he whispered to my ear

"you're Soo damn sweet Anna."

*. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *

Getting home I was beyond thrilled, I felt tired and happy, I felt quite hungry. Getting to my room I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, smiling. Just the thought of my lips on me made me bit my lip for more.

I concluded in my thoughts "I might have not sex with Dylan but I sure did squirt on his face. that was more than enough for me, I giggled.